Yes, I'm back.
Germany during winter time is dark, grey, brown, black, People are also dressed in dark colors. It was calm in the train. The red socks of a woman were the only lively colors in the train, oh, and this red suitcase that stood in a corner. Me, too, I was dressed with a dark grey pair of trousers, black boots, a dark blue pullover, a dark aubergine coat, a bright grey scarf. I carried around a black handbag, a black suitcase and my black camera bag. With these colors I assimilated perfectly to my surrounding.
I closed my eyes and dreamed of India. One day Rani and I looked out of the window: "Look", she said, "he's going to work now". I saw a man in a bright turquois shirt with silver stripes. :) The intensive colors of India became alive in my fantasy: red, green, blue, lilac, yellow, silver, gold. India is not a paradise either and Germany is not that bad, but grey and cold and dark during winter time. It's still winter.
I walked home from the main station. It takes me 20 min to get home from there. To move is always good. Always. I don't want to feel bad because I didn't stay at my parents home for one week till E would pick me up again when he would return from the north of Germany. I knew it would be an issue. We got pampered. And now everybody thinks that I'm ruthless, cold, egoistic and ungrateful. It's never enough. Never. "Be happy that I'm here", I said and they were, but the topic came up again and again. Stay, they repeated. I know the human mind too well. It craves always for more. It takes years of practicing to observe the wishes coming and going without hunting after them if it makes no sense. Everybody begged me and everybody tried to persuade me to stay: E, E's mother on the phone, my father, my mother. And I took the train to my home in Munich to do yoga, to take pictures, to eat my own food, to go to the cinema. I know that time is limited, also for the people that are very close. I know, I know......this is why I enjoy the present moment.
Death, illnesses, pain is present. ....and I flee ......to be alone.......
I turned on the heater when I arrived here in my flat. A Himalaya of washed clothes is waiting for me to get ironed. My desk became a dust hell and all the papers that I need to file grin at me for too long. I have also things to do, also when I'm not an employee with a 9 to 6 day structure. These are all silent excuses why I had to take the train home to Munich where my life is.
Bad and lazy I am and ungrateful in addition. So it is.
I've learned to say no, I set boundaries. Ruthless this seems to be.
I've learned to push thoughts away. Even fears I simply push away. I look through my lens and I'm lost in the here and now. I do Ashtanga yoga and I'm lost in the here and now. Not always I'm able to push thoughts away. I know I don't want to feel bad because I'm at home now, but I feel bad. It will pass......
Wouldn't that have been a really nice weekend........if there weren't this pushing.......
It's good for me that I'm in solitude now.......I don't even want to have music on. The sound of the keyboard when my fingers dance over the keys is enough.
It was a really nice weekend with a lot of laughter also, with a lot of very good food and fun, that ended with me feeling lousy. I feel blackmailed and they feel probably also not as if their wishes were fulfilled. I know that the peace has a click when my father picks up the phone and it was my father who was on the phone when I called to tell that I had arrived in Munich . My bf has switched off his phone, too.
It's dark here now.
It all comes as it must come.