Sunday, March 04, 2012

Back in Munich

Yes, I'm back.

Germany during winter time is dark, grey, brown, black, People are also dressed in dark colors. It was calm in the train. The red socks of a woman were the only lively colors in the train, oh, and this red suitcase that stood in a corner. Me, too, I was dressed with a dark grey pair of trousers, black boots, a dark blue pullover, a dark aubergine coat, a bright grey scarf. I carried around a black handbag, a black suitcase and my black camera bag. With these colors I assimilated perfectly to my surrounding.
I closed my eyes and dreamed of India. One day Rani and I looked out of the window: "Look", she said, "he's going to work now". I saw a man in a bright turquois shirt with silver stripes. :) The intensive colors of India became alive in my fantasy: red, green, blue, lilac, yellow, silver, gold. India is not a paradise either and Germany is not that bad, but grey and cold and dark during winter time. It's still winter.

I walked home from the main station. It takes me 20 min to get home from there. To move is always good. Always. I don't want to feel bad because I didn't stay at my parents home for one week till E would pick me up again when he would return from the north of Germany. I knew it would be an issue. We got pampered. And now everybody thinks that I'm ruthless, cold, egoistic and ungrateful. It's never enough. Never. "Be happy that I'm here", I said and they were, but the topic came up again and again. Stay, they repeated. I know the human mind too well. It craves always for more. It takes years of practicing to observe the wishes coming and going without hunting after them if it makes no sense. Everybody begged me and everybody tried to persuade me to stay: E, E's mother on the phone, my father, my mother. And I took the train to my  home in Munich to do yoga, to take pictures, to eat my own food, to go to the cinema. I know that time is limited, also for the people that are very close. I know, I know......this is why I enjoy the present moment.
Death, illnesses, pain is present. ....and I flee be alone.......

I turned on the heater when I arrived here in my flat. A Himalaya of washed clothes is waiting for me to get ironed. My desk became a dust hell and all the papers that I need to file grin at me for too long. I have also things to do, also when I'm not an employee with a 9 to 6 day structure. These are all silent excuses why I had to take the train home to Munich where my life is.

Bad and lazy I am and ungrateful in addition. So it is.
I've learned to say no, I set boundaries. Ruthless this seems to be.

I've learned to push thoughts away. Even fears I simply push away. I look through my lens and I'm lost in the here and now. I do Ashtanga yoga and I'm lost in the here and now. Not always I'm able to push thoughts away. I know I don't want to feel bad because I'm at home now, but I feel bad. It will pass......

Wouldn't that have been a really nice weekend........if there weren't this pushing.......
It's good for me that I'm in solitude now.......I don't even want to have music on. The sound of the keyboard when my fingers dance over the keys is enough.

It was a really nice weekend with a lot of laughter also, with a lot of very good food and fun, that ended with me feeling lousy. I feel blackmailed and they feel probably also not as if their wishes were fulfilled. I know that the peace has a click when my father picks up the phone and it was my father who was on the phone when I called to tell that I had arrived in Munich . My bf has switched off his phone, too.
It's dark here now.

It all comes as it must come.


Anna said...

A poignant post, Ursula. I've grappled with these issues - personal boundaries and self-interest; versus other people's needs. It always ends in some dissatisfaction. The only thing you can be is true to yourself: to state your need and stick to it.

Even though I am interested in people, I love being alone. When staying away from home I crave my home, my bits and pieces, my food habits - I always feel sick and bloated with the stuff that I can't say no to because I have to make people happy... and I get tired of saying things I don't actually believe. I admire your ability (even if not total) to state your needs and to swat away the guilt!

Ursula said...

I just returned from the cinema with the goal to delete paragraphs of this post. But now you've commented already....hahaha...

I reread the post and I don't think that I stepped on the feet of anybody. I showed the different interests of different persons and how they handle it to get what they want. Words give always room for interpretation.

If I were an advanced yogini who could be at several places at the same time, yes, this would be a solution. But I'm a lousy beginner of the art of yoga......

Time to sleep. Good night to you, too, we're in the same time zone.

DeborahS said...

I too face issues in setting limits with my family. It's very hard, it's always hard. It often seems that people always want more, and yet it is never enough.

When we take care of ourselves, it changes the dynamic, the relationship with others. It's difficult, but it needs to happen.

In the end I think it is for the good. But what a trying journey it can be!

Anonymous said...

I so appreicate your honesty.. I'm having a very dark, grey, brown, black weekend - a weekend of hell with a stressful shocking, agonizing, difficult family situation. Strangely, I found a deep comfort in reading your post. My mantra as I try to sleep will be "It all comes as it must come" May the morning bring us both peace.
Om Shanti

Kitharo said...

Hope you're feeling better now. Because you really have no reason to feel bad - you have to make boundaries even if other people don't like it. Always remember that you've to be happy first to make others happy - sounds selfish at first, but you can't make others happy if you are miserable. It's just as simple as that.
Hope your monday got better ;)

Ursula said...

Thank you everybody and nose up.

Yep we must live our live, nobody is responsible.

Just slept. Another blog post is in my mind: title It's enough what I do. And so it's with you. It's enough.

First I'll take some pictures, it's late already and I need light.


Ursula said...

Dear Debb,
I know you do the best whatever the situation is.

I wish that you can take it easy.
Namaste to you....:)

Ursula said...

Dear Deborah,

indeed setting boundaries is an art, in families, in working places and often also in relationships.

It's important.

Ursula said...

Dear Kitharo,
I'm so glad to be here with myself. I napped a little bit too long. Shall this be OK. I needed it.

I feel recovered.
Happy day for you.

Quentin said...

Always remember you have your yoga practice, all eight limbs, when injured there is still hope. as I awaken at 3 am full of pain from the busted knee from the yoga practice afterwards closing the door to the Riverfront for my students, my left knee is turned and I am restricted with swelling and pain. but I have the tools for a healthy recovery thru Ayurveda practice, foods, messages, rest, ice, compression and rest. Ah to rest and message knee with sesame oil, shower and then place ice pack on the knee. Relief only temporary, but each day shows progress. Walking up the stairs is a challenge and down even worse, but I read your blog and have hope. For yoga and those associated with this practice bind the mind with the body and there is hope. for I have fallen into the dark valley feeling pain, but for each deep valley there is a ridge and then another mountain, and my mountain is reading about your yoga journey, and the discovery of Self. alone, no we are always with the Devine and this is good. Happy Easter....

Ursula said...

Oh Quentin, this is very sad to hear. I read optimism between the lines this is good. you're so right, you can do pranayama i.e. This will improve your practice when you are back on the mat.

Perhaps you can do some asanas around the knee: sitting with straight legs and bowing forward or twist.

I hope you heal soon.