Wednesday, October 26, 2011

So many titles in my mind, I cannot make a decision.....

After my yoga practice I feel always differently, I think differently and I act differently. This practice gives me a deep satisfaction. I love my body and I love to feel it the way I feel it when I practice Ashtanga yoga. This is my thing, this practice fits to me. I don't want to give it up anymore. This might be egoistic, I'd do "almost" everthing to be able to do that morning practice as long as possible. Greedy I feel sometimes because of this, egoistic, ruthless, but this practice is sooooooo goooooood for me.

Self-sabotage I call it now. I used to write differently about it. I used to say yoga always brings me back on the healthy path. I see now the gluttony in restaurants as self-sabotage.
For some time I ate best quality of food, but not much and no alcohol. I feel excellent, light and full of energy. I also lost that extra kilo.  Nevertheless to have the perfect weight doesn't guarantee a perfect practice, but it's more likely that the practices are good. Today I had an excellent practice. It felt so, I don't know how it looked from the outside. It felt great. Highlights happened also:
- My knee was behind the shoulder comme il faut. I never was so far.
- I was able to balance when I pushed me up from handstand to pincha mayurasana with legs in padmasana. I didn't  fall against the fall. :)
No self-sabotage anymore, shall my life-style support my practice and not compensate it.

Another story: I usually give my best when I'm in a Mysore class. This is also something that develops with time, the ability to practice till the limits. This intensives the practices.
A few days back I felt weak, I was not in the mood to drop back into urdhva dhanurasana. Fear was felt, I felt stiff. After my three wheels from the floor and my 3 drop backs against the wall I waited on my mat till M would come to hold me when I drop back. He also lifts me up, hahaha, it's so easy. But M is attentive and concentrated when he teaches and he realized that I omitted to drop back on my own. He told me why it's good to practice it always: Fear can return. Abilities can get lost..........and what I indeed see, too, perhaps I interpreted it: It's not good advice to ask oneself every here and then: Am I in the mood for this today. Simply doing it, is it. No procrastination. This is one of the intentions of the vinyasa count in my opinion. One breath follows the next, one movement follows the next, vinyasa asana vinyasa. There is no time for being moody or for asking basic question like: why all this.
Today I felt the reluctance to drop back, but I did it 3 times and I could hold me. Yep. Not big thing, I thought afterwards. :)
What I observe during my yoga practice is also applicable for other parts of my life. Focus is a key word. Action and not so many questions keep the things rolling.

I must focus on my project, one by one. No self-sabotage anymore. I don't need lousy jobs. I don't feel lonesome without envious colleagues. I have beloved people, men and women around the globe, of course also in Munich. I want to have the time to enjoy these friendships and I have the  time for this for the time being and I enjoy. I don't feel lonesome, not a bit.
I also love that I can pamper my bf a bit. Every night we stroll around to move a bit. :) I motivate him.....hahahaha.......

So, enough now.
Shall I be strong and focus on my projects.
Shall I not feel bad that I've a life that I love.
Shall I not feel bad that I'm so greedy. It also means that I'm passionate, that I've energy.
Shall I not feel bad that I'm not so indepandant as I always wished to be. Enough people suffer already in companies, I don't need to be one of them.

PS: The book my Seth Godin "Linchpin - Are you indispensabe?" is very good.


Anna said...

Well said! You've worked SO hard to get yourself to this position - a place where you are happy. Why blow it all for a place in the corporate rat race?

As I'm getting older, I am starting to believe the old sages who say that continual questioning is at the root of all human sorrow. I do believe that action is power! Maybe I CAN finish the PhD!

Ursula said...

You will finish this PhD. I believe in you. Also tiny steps count. :)

Ursula said...

Lately I met a friend, she knows me for decades. Nobody who knows me for so long can imagine me in the accounts department.
I wanted safety, I had the feeling for some time. But life can never give safety. Everything changes. I trust that new things will happen for me.
And action....:)

Anna said...

Yes, and always remember that one can be most lonely in an office full of people (you were!) or in a poor relationship or at a party. Externals (eg., other people) don't necessarily bring happiness or safety.

Thanks for your encouragement, Ursula.

ionut said...

Feeling,thinking and acting differntly must be a blessing after your yoga practice dear Ursula!Besides reading your blog i read the comments as well and i must say Anna is a genious!I just love the way she thinks , she should also start a blog and enlighten the masses, i am already her fan!
p.s.i wrote this listening to Madonna - Love Don't Live Here Anymore

Ursula said...

Dear Ionut,

Sometimes the comments are more exciting than the blog post. You're becoming an experienced blog reader.

Indeed most of the time I feel more optimistic after yoga than before. And after a good session I don't want to give it up or return to a practice at 5 in the morning. I want to keep my sophisticated life-style.

Anna knows me for years. She read about my time in different companies, and it was not always nice. A book title comes into my mind: those who fear hell, don't know the office. It was a big step to leave this world for new things. They do not yet develop as I thought. Having a joyful satisfying work is important, I think. I'm still searching, I wish I would act more.

Madonna: I don't know this song. I blame her a bit for my passion for Ashtanga yoga. I saw once a picture of her with her leg behind the head and I thought: me, too, I want to be able to do it. I am now. But this shall not be the end.

Have a good day Ionut and it's wonderful when you have a work that you love.

Ursula said...

...and dear Anna,

our society is focused on quick results. What you're working on needs long planning and long acting. It requires a long breath. These long-term goals come with ups and downs, important is to stick to it.

Ashtanga yoga is also something where quick results are seldom.

Have a good day and happy working.

Anna said...

Dear Ursula and Ionut:

Thank-you but I am so flawed! Haven't finished the PhD; failed at veganism; would love to be an ashtanga yogini but do not practice; want to launch a small business but put it off; would love a blog but don't know what to write about... endless inaction and indecision. --and the days just fly by!

Ionut, Ursula's blog always struck a chord with me as she was suffering in the same way as me but doing something about it!

Have a good day both of you - it's misty here in Liverpool but I am off to see friends!

Ursula said...

Dear Anna,

This was now self-criticism enough for the next 2 years. Always remember your perseverance in teaching me the difference between lose and loose. :)

You're wonderful.
When it's time things get done without you doing anything. Then you'll be amazed.

Enjoy your day with friends


ionut said...

Anna , do you think it is bad that i love Ursula?