For I., who wished this topic:
I've to start dramatically. A few years back I watched TV, they broadcasted a documentary about people who had killed their beloved ones, the lover, wife, girl-friend.
- A student had killed his girl-friend out of jealousy. There was no reason for this.
- An actrice had killed her younger lover because he offended her due to her age. (She was a bit above 40 that time.)
- An 80 year old man had killed his wife of the same age. For decades they haven't talked much anymore with each other.
The persons had all different walks of life, they were all different from character and age but they all came finally to the conclusion: love must always me altruistic, otherwise it's no love.
That's it. I get to the point quickly: Love means to be happy when the beloved one is happy.
Everything else is not bad or good, but no love:
Often love is confused with business. I give you this, but I want that, whatever this is. Sometimes we want to get fulfilled our sexual needs. Or we need a partner because we cannot stand it to be alone. Some people fear to be alone when old and this is why they want to make a partner stay with them. All this is often called love, but in my view it deserves other names.
To be happy with oneself and the own life helps a lot to love others or the one and only one.
When I've written my journal (I love to express myself with words), when I've done my yoga practice I've the feeling that I got already something from the cheesecake of life. And my cheesecake portion is rather big. My view. I know nobody who likes to have my life, hahaha.....I feel good, and then it's easier to see others happy, too. It's even a joy to observe it.
Find something that makes you feel good about yourself and your life. This might be a first step to become a good lover.
A few weeks back my E and myself were in a café. He said to me: When we fly to Hawaii this year (now it's out, yep the flights to these islands are booked already for November), then you will have perhaps enough "miles and more" to travel to Rishikish. This made me speechless and this is not so often that I've nothing to say. Yes, he loves me, I think. E doesn't like to travel to India for reasons I can understand. My trips to India are my thing. The "miles and more" idea make my trip so much more likely. His idea. He was finding a solution for fulfilling my wishes. He likes to see me happy. That's it.
I've been already in India twice alone. Of course I was asked if I were married. I answered usually that I had a boyfriend but he didn't like to travel to India. Then he trusts you, was often the next sentence. But this is not the point when we talk about love. It's not that a person tells another person, I don't control you, but I'm sure you only do what I like you to do! No matter what the beloved person likes to do shall be OK, because this is it what makes the beloved person happy. I usually don't discuss this. Why should I.
Liberty-loving little dove U is flying around, but she will return to a man who loves her. So it is.
And then it happens that a beloved person leaves us. This is impossible and scarcely understandable. Nevertheless this happens. We're alone again.
It can help enormously to focus on the sides of this person that were difficult for us, the shortcomings. No person is perfect. It helps to see the difficulties in the relationships, the things that made us mad. I don't think that it's necessary to make this all public. A journal is always a good company. Friends might listen, too. But finally when the wounds are healed a bit it should be possible to think again: If the beloved person thinks he/she is happy without us then this is it what should be OK for us, too. If it's not OK, it wasn't love. To wish him/her luck should be possible.
I often observe other behavior.
A vacuum doesn't remain forever is my experience, but it must be created. Letting go is a skill. Not only broken glasses need to go, but thoughts, too. People cannot be substituted. New people, new experiences wait along the way.
I consider myself open-minded and I meet a lot of people. Only with a few the contact intensifies and remains over years. When such intensive encounters happen, when intimacy happens, I enjoy.
Loving is an action word. It's a skill that we can exercise......
Love and erotic is not limited to the sexual intercourse. It starts much earlier. Love and erotic can infiltrate an entire life. It starts how a person moves, takes a shower, dresses....... When have you looked consciously into the eyes of another person? It starts here...........
Loving can be exercised in many ways on a daily basis. We're all surrounded by needy people. And when we meet again a person who makes our heart jump around........we're a good lover........because we're in peace with ourselves and because we learned about the joy of giving........
This theory is also a plan for action:
What do my beloved people desire?
Can I give it?
It is a joy to give and to see joy in the eyes of a beloved one.
I love to observe how my bf eats my hot and spicy lentil soup.........
I feared this, it's all a bit a mess and more a rambling post than an analysis. But so it is with love: unpredictable, crazy, the chili in life.