Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Am I a true yogini? Always relaxed? Detached from the adversities of life?

My right shoulder is injured. Kapotasana. I could scarcely sleep. Every time when I rolled to the right side I woke up. Inhaling, pause, exhaling, pause.....it drives me crazy.
I want to practice today. I hope it's possible. My experience is that it's good to practice, but with care and to work around the body parts that hurt. I hope this is possible. Grgghhhh, yoginis are relaxed, always, I think. A mental exercise is given to me. Also this injury is temporarily.

Two years are over now since I had my last job. Yesterday in the evening I got nervous. Worries fogged my mind. What if I'll never earn a Rupee anymore for the rest of my life, I thought. Such black thoughts are usually accompanied with even darker feelings. What if I won't have money enough to buy new glasses for myself. I need new glasses. I can scarcely read anymore the amusement program in this little magazine "in". Perhaps one reason why I stay at home so often. Haha. What have I done in the last 2 years I wondered, what have I done. At least I can say that I worked on my book, project No 1. Only 4 more chapters. And yesterday I also worked on it even though no chapter is written. It will come. I needed an overview what is written already.

What have I done today I wondered yesterday night? A year consists of single days. Despite the rain I went to the locksmith. I could scarcely open my front door anymore. The locksmith promised me that he'd sent someone in an hour. An hour later the bell rang. And who stood in front of my door? The man who once had the dry cleaning shop round the corner and who had ruined my winter coat. That was also such a story. I worked at a company that time back and at the end of the year we all got a salary increase. A colleague and myself, too were convinced we should get more. My colleague was even more disappointed than myself, I should learn why. That day we left the company together to have a drink in a café. There she showed me the list of all the salaries of the employees of the company. I realized that only 2 people got less than myself, the cook and the concierge. I was not amused. Not at all. I went to a winter market after our meeting, I had to console myself with a Crêpe Grand Marnier. I started eating this sweet thin thing and all the sugar and Grand Marnier ran over my new red winter coat. What a fuck, I thought. I had to take the coat to a dry cleaning shop. A few days later I picked up the coat and it was ruined. I stop here with the story. It would be too long. I got back neither the money for cleaning nor anything else. Soon I left this company. I wanted more money. I got it in another company. I was hired from one of the worst companies. One year later I was out again. To risk something always means that things can get worse. This was all before I've started blogging.
So, and this man from the dry cleaning shop stood in front of my door. I saw his teeth and I thought, OMG, he's not on the sunny side of life. Teeth were missing, others were brown and rotting. He changed the lock. This is done, I accomplished something already, I thought. Delegation counts as own actions. One annoyance removed.

I distract. Yesterday I worried about my future. Is it really so good that I'm able to focus on the here and now, I wondered. Shouldn't I call this rather suppression?

I wanted to leave this mental valley as soon as possible. The book "The lazy person's guide to success" by Ernie J. Zelinski fell into my hand. Repetition is good and I read again what I already know. There are better ways to live than to work in companies. It's possible to earn more within less time. Hard work doesn't mean that one earns a lot. I've been there. I know this is true. Define what is success for you independently from other opinions, Ernie suggested: Having time for yoga, doing what I love is what I call success, having a Porsche is not at all important for me.

Having time is the true luxury nowadays. I sit here at 9am and update my blog. I can do what I love to do. And I have ideas, I can be creative.
I must focus on my projects and I shall not give up too early. I know I walk on a good path. Money will come in again. It will, it will,........

I also like to have a simple life. I want to make it even simpler. The clothes will be the next collection that I'll attack. When I was young I needed a jeans and a few T-shirts. My red phase was simple, too. All my clothes were red, I was dressed like a sun rise.  The black phase was simple, too. Black made me pale and people used to ask me if I were ill. Also this phase ended. Wearing only white things is a possibility, too. I fear I need a bit more clothes nowadays, but not as much as I've.
With my friend A we went through fashion shops in Berlin. Yeah, I loved this Moschino jacket. It was reduced and cost 50% less, only 350,-- Euro. I don't need that. 350,-- is a ticket to Mumbai.

It's possible to live very well without living over the top. The price for all these fancy things is too high. Only often the act of buying is entertaining.

This Arabic lunch cost me 6,-- Euro. It was Falaffel and salad and a sweet tea. It was very good and healthy.

This dinner was good, too and new tastes entertained my tongue. As a starter I had a salad (very good) and we had this Sicilian wine, which was good, I have enjoyed better ones already. Quanta costa: 55,-- per person. 

Yes, it was special this expensive meal and the evening with people I feel very close. 
My personal luxury is to have time.  The sun is shining. We've a most wonderful fall. I can stroll around, I can take pictures. That's great.

Perhaps decisions are not necessary. Saying yes to what is given can be enough.
A simple meal
A refined meal
a hectic time
lazy times
what a variety.
I love it. 

I just tested my right arm and shoulder. It hurts. Damned. Hahahaha.......


Deckard said...

Great post!
I like the red coat story.

Ursula said...

Thanks, yeah,.....haha....it had to go.

Anna said...

The simple life is the most valuable. Old CHinese proverb: If you have two pennies spend one on a loaf and one on a flower. The bread will give you life; the flower, a reason for living.

Ursula said...

...a very nice quote and so true.

ionut said...

I have read your post and to be honest i realized again what a wonderful person you are.Not all women are like you.My ex gf meet a guy from Germany recently and since then she has changed a lot.She likes this guy because he has money i think and she likes Germany,because she visted this guy and she will move there.And i meet her and asked her , hey , why this guy isn't getting a german woman for himself?why you?aren't there pretty women in Germany?She answered back : most of them are ugly and they only care for themselves!So i told my ex gf : hey ,i don't agree with you, i have a friend that i talk to on the internet(i was thinking of you Ursula)and she is pretty cute and sensitive and intelligent !...i answered back.So yes , my ex gf will get a job in Germany , but i told her : you will never be one of them no matter how good you speak the language and integrate into their society!So my ex will leave to Frankfurt in autumn ...Damn my ex gf ... i couldn't even look to the pictures you took and post on the photo blog ... they all tell me where my ex will be!
I only have been one time in Germany passing on my way to France.And we stopped at a gas station in Germany and since i am so stupid i couldn't handle the expreso machine to get a coffee , and some blond girl came to help me lol , she even knew english.It must be a cool place , though all the libraries i went into in France were full of anti nazi books describing WW2 , (yes i was pretty shocked)!But anyway if most of the women in Germany are like you Ursula then Germany must be a cool place!And to conclude ... my ex got this guy , she choosed a better life ... you could have got a guy like that too ,that makes every day Christmas for you even if u wouldn't love him :)) but you are not that kind!

Ursula said...

Dear ionut,
it's difficult to let go. I exercise it again and again. I discard clothes, books, incenses, what ever. It shall prepare me also to let go of the more difficult things that are actually no things, but people. I'm not good at this. I cling to people. I see that it's not so easy for you, too. Nevertheless we all have to learn it and accept those losses. Find something exciting for you so that the loss is easier.
I always found it interesting to have a lover from another culture. It's inspiring, exotic.
That we Germans are a relatively rich country doesn't make us happier.
I love our natural relationship to a naked body in general. All the bathing culture is much fun. I experience us as relatively unfriendly and pessimistic. Every country has advantages and disadvantages. We're a bit cool, but see your ex has found someone. There might be pearls everywhere...

...and you can be very curious now what will happen to you next. There is always someone new. A vacuum doesn't remain a vacuum for a long time. Enjoy the time alone before someone new is coming.

I personally love to write a private journal. As I write daily I've also a lot of good things to pen down. Perhaps this is an idea for you, too. Believe me writing can console a lot, it can be a lot of joy. Heavy things become easier, wonderful events even more wonderful. Stay curious, stay excited.....

Sleep well.

ionut said...

Until there will be someone new it will pass some time ... i'm still in love with her , she got me dependent i guess ... I invited her to a art exibition this weekend and told her we will see each other as friends from now on but she told me she can't be just a friend ... she wants to be my lover!
Ursula , my ex gf is 12 years older than me ... what do you think i should do ?I love her but she is way too jealous and sometimes all we do is fight ... lol
and now that she found this guy from Germany she will leave for good ... maybe i should try to detach myself as you said ...

Ursula said...

I always thought and I'm still thinking that a good friendship could be possible after a love affair. Reality shows me that this is scarcely the case. It can be a good goal to separate peacefully.
Your ex seems to have another one. Either you don't care about it (why not) then it can go on. If you don't like a triangle, then be sad for a while and move on.
My opinion: it's a very good connection when the women are older than the men, much better than the other way round. You can find another experienced woman. Of course your ex didn't make you dependent. If so, you can liberate yourself. :)

Yes, start writing. A journal is there for you anytime when you need consoling. It's exciting to write. Or find anything else exciting. New things will happen, this is always so. Trust. Stay open. Enjoy that you've feelings that you're lively, that life is not boring. You will be able to handle the situation.

All the best......U.

ionut said...

I am looking to our posts here and it seems we are turning your yoga blog into a life blog ... or i don't know ... maybe yoga is about life.Sorry for the long comments i made that are not on yoga topics but maybe on de/attachment or stuff like that,they were related to your main posts somehow. People will say that you became a shrink now ... or Doctor Love :))
I believe you have a great life experience and i thank you for sharing it here on your blog!

Ursula said...

Smiling......I love many topics. Love is for sure a good one.

Anonymous said...

This post is why I love your blog so much.. you are open, raw, real, insightful, passionately optimistic. The story of your life and your responses to it are so inspiring to me to observe all and accept all as it is.. this game of life..
Om Shanti, dear U..

Ursula said...

Thank you so much Debra.
On my way home I thought I want to write more personal stories again. Within the last months I tried to fulfill more the wishes of the "masses" to attract more readers, I wanted to focus strictly on yoga. But perhaps (as you mentioned it) it's the stories that give this blog a special color.

So the thousands of readers are still not lurking around, this gives me again more freedom to touch also other topics and to be a bit more experimentive with my posts.

Today is Wednesday, when I remember well,today you go to a yoga class. I wish you a wonderful practice.
Like a miracle my pain disappeared today as if nothing was pulled, as if this was all a joke.

Om Shanti

Anna said...

Oh yes, it's the little stories about your everyday life I miss! You wrote so well about your life and philosophical dilemmas, travel, how you handled criticism, veganism, consumerism, etc etc. Then it became only a Yoga manual... For me, I lost interest. But I do come back now and again as I like to see how you're doing! And it is your blog so you can write what you like - but I miss the sort of posts from 2006/7/8.

Hope to come to Munich still!

Ursula said...

...and Anna, when you're in Munich, please let me know. I'd love to meet you.

I'm a person who likes to experiment. Indeed my "new" style attracted more readers. Nevertheless I also like to write stories, about my life. Perhaps I will find a mixture of both.

Thank you for your feed-back.
It's a difference to have only a few readers or to know that many people I know and not know are reading, too. :)

I'm still writing, the fire is still burning. Only change is permanent. Who knows what will come next.

I hope very much that you're well.


Anna said...

Yes, true - only change is permanent. Ursula, we have some exciting leaps into the unknown coming in 2012! Hope to finally meet you!

Ursula said...

This sounds great.