Everything is energy. Step on your mat and practice, I thought this morning. Give your sadness and disappointment another expression but hanging on the sofa being full of self-pity. It is all only energy, it is the task to find a satisfying expression. And so I stepped on my mat, full of negative energy, but energy. Energy is great (neutral), it is how we use it that counts. What a practice. I didn't need breaks. Vinyasas between the poses were performed. I was strong. The sadness changed to stubbornness. I went on with my practice and I went on, till it was almost too late to drop some lines here.
Marichyasana: I wouldn't have given up. I had to reach the wrists today and I did. Grimly I turned my body around, pushed the shoulders down, next side. I behaved as if I can enforce anything. I know that this is not possible, neither on the mat nor in life.
Urdhva dhanurasana: As my body was rather soft today, back bending was good, too. Now I know how to fall, even backwards. How to come up is the question. Do I have to come up on my own? Do I really have to do everything on my own?
(The hidden meaning of difficult poses: On urdhva dhanurasana I worked 4 years. First I had to push me up, it took me a long time till my arms were straight. Then after 2 years perhaps I started dropping back with my teacher. Now I do it alone. I never believed I could do it. I thought I am too old for this. But I can do it now. Simply practicing day in day out made me finally doing it. It is good to observe the thoughts : It will never happen. To give it any meaning is not useful. I don't give up so fast, in nothing, no I don't. Now I have to come up. On my own, I know. I have to grow up.)