Monday, March 31, 2008
I have nightmares whenever I fall asleep. Yesterday in the late afternoon I slept, and I had nightmares, this night I had nightmares. too. Then the sleep is not really relaxing.
I'm tired. I want to stay in bed. I'd prefer nightmares, than 8 or 9 or even 10 hours of work. The food in the cantine is very good. This can be a motivation to go to work. Still 3 months are ahead of me. It's a long time and a short time at the same time. I don't believe that they will give me another contract and this is good for me. I must open my eyes. It's a job with too much stress, too long working hours.
Cold, it's again cold here. Can I not see anything good today?
Huh, I must hurry now, I'm already late.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Then I made a risotto, I wanted to pamper my boyfriend. It was recommended to add 1 part white whine and 5 parts water. I added almost only wine to the risotto. It remained two glasses, one for E., one for me. The Risotto was good (bf didn't talk much, focus was eating). I loved it too. Must admit, it was sort of convenience product. It was my first risotto. I've heard it, but it is true, to make a risotto means to stir, to stir, to stir.
I cleaned the kitchen afterwards. How consequent I am today.
There is still enough time to work on plan B and my tax declaration. Perfect.
Pashasana: I could hook my fingertips. Parivritta parsva konasana prepares pashasana. In order to intensify this pose I stretched one arm through my legs and grasped the other arm. This helps to twist even more.
Laghu vajrasana: I dropped down till my head touched the floor. My hands are on my calves and function as a brake when I drop down. To get up the same way as I got down is the challenge. I found out how I can do it. I pressed my hands towards the soles of my feet. That way I could lift me up. When up I was in ushrasana again.
Eka pada sirsasana: I should be glad that I can take the foot behind the head. I remember a time where this was not possible. But I'm not really glad. I want the feet to stay without holding it. But how to accomplish this. Just to go on is perhaps the secret.
Urdhva dhanurasana: To drop back from standing position won't happen in the morning. This pose is a challenge.
My neck is still not really OK, so I did no chakrasana.
I'm happy that I had such an intensive practice. Savasana was deep relaxation.
It's summer time now. Not really summer time, but last night the clocks were adjusted to the summer time, which means that I will have to get up 1 hour earlier than usually. It's doable.
Plan for today: yoga now, then tax declaration, phone call with the cleaning woman and I will cook a risotto for my darling and me later of the day.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I cleaned the kitchen first and then I did nothing. Time went by too fast. Then my mother called me. I had told her about my thoughts to hire a cleaning woman. She wanted to convince me to do it. And I think she was succesful. When I told my bf about my plans he was against it, but he does no chores at all. I postponed my deciscion. After the phone call it became clear for me that I have to delegate. As I live now, I cannot do everything by my own. But before hiring a cleaning woman I will clean my home. :)
My mat was rolled out, but it was difficult to find the way to the mat. Again Sharath helped me. I witched on the CD and practiced with the CD without interruption. I did all the vinyasas, all the poses. It's a speedy CD and I was speedy gonzales. The CD builds strength and that's what I need. Some asanas (kurmasana, mari c and d) would need more attention, more time in order to improve. The CD has other advantages. My breath was deep and got deeper and deeper during the practice. I think inhaling improved. I tried to relax when I was in the poses. That's important. It's technique and it helps to go deeper in it. Urdhva dhanurasana was almost not possible. I lifted myself up, but it was so hard. To make it short. I'm glad that I practiced. However it was, I feel very good now.
So life does not wait for me. I have a plan: Tax declaration is waiting for me.
Friday, March 28, 2008
It was 6:30 when a colleague entered my office area. Some details had to be corrected. He is so precise. Then I had to copy the whole file for the auditors. No chance to leave the office on time so that I could go to a yoga class. Instead I stopped at the anna hotel on my way home. I had dinner there, spent a furtune on red wine (a little glass of Shiraz) and designer food. Next stop was the station. I found what I searched: the latest editon of yoga journal.
And that's what I will do now, I will flip through its pages. Tomorrow is yoga day. I'm sure I will get some inspiration.
What's the most important thing that I have to do, that's what I ask me all the time. Only one thing shall be on my to do list for tomorrow, but this activity shall have a certain importance. I guess it is my tax declaration. I cannot avoid it, it has to be done. I will attack it tomorrow.
No yoga this morning. I don't like this at all. Am I exhausted or only undisciplined? I know that the morning is the best time for yoga. Time is over now. I can do my best next week. This morning was a missed opportunity. But every morning is a new opportunity to do yoga.
Today is Friday and I'm SO GLAD.
How shall I spend the evening? Bf won't be at home. He will drive to N. to play soccer there. Shall I go to the sauna, shall I go to a yoga studio, shall I go to a restaurant, or shall I clean my home and read a book?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Somehow I managed it to switch on the CD "strength and flexibility" by Sharron Gannon and David Life. It's a perfect CD, rather balanced. Backbendings, balancing poses, forward bendings, even hanumanasana are part of the yoga choreographie. I liked it, I even had the feeling I got better. My intention was to do urdhva dhanurasana. I wanted to drop back. But then I noticed how perfect the CD was and I couldn't stop in the middle of it, only to do my urdhva dhanurasna attempts. I lifted myself up - 3 times. It's part of the CD. And then I went on till the end. Five minutes in relaxation pose was the end.
I enjoyed my evening practice. It was wonderful.
Now I eat cheese, dried tomatoes and I drink a glass of awful red wine. If the wine would only be good.....OK, but it's such a poison that I drink.
But I got up on time, so that I would have time for journaling and meditation.
It's cold here and I'm waiting for the summer.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The breath: B. complimented me because of my breath. Inhaling got longer and more intensive. I exercised inhaling in the sauna. I felt fear when I inhaled beyond a certain point. But it disappeared. I also have to let the chest open, it becomes larger when inhaling longer, but this is OK. I only had to accept it.
B. and I had our favourite discussion:
B.'s standpoint - I'm able to drop back when doing urdva dhanurasana.
My standpoint - I'm not yet able to do it. But it was again a little bit better.
On the way to the subway with M.: I told her that I will probably loose my job, but I'm relaxed. She: My yoga teacher in Japan once told us that people change when they are doing yoga long enough. Some eat differently (we both laugh), some give up their jobs to have more time for yoga (we both laugh), some give up their partners (we both laugh).
And I'm relaxed even the situation cries for other feelings. I'm relaxed and I enjoy my attitude.
Lunch time: A colleague whispered to another colleague: Do we go down for lunch? It turned out that everybody was asked, except me. Our offices emptied, I was the only one left. I felt excluded. But then I started feeling like a lonesome cowboy and this consoled me. Perhaps I'm a lone wolf and people smell it. The lone wolf enjoyed lunch very much despite having it alone.
Then I craved for food. I had breakfast and went to bed again. I can accept this. It shows me how exhausted I am. At the warm back of my bf I slept another hour and it was like a second. I know, the sauna is exhausting for the body, too. The body needs to recover after a sauna evening. Sauna is good for the skin. I look so young and relaxed when I look into the mirror, even though I'm not. But it is also the job, that exhausts me. My current job can be satisfying, the tasks are interesting, but it is too much for me. That's what I see now. I will be there another 3 months probably, which I will enjoy. Again I see how a possible end of something changes the attitude and perspective. To enjoy what is is so much easier. There is an end to everything, it's only difficult to see it all the time and to remember it.
This evening I will go to a Mysore class. So I will have at least one hour yoga and this shall be enough for today.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Today I had to go to the boss again. He wanted to inform the people about the new office organisation. He spoke to everybody alone. For me he had additional bad news, how he called it. He is not sure if he will give me a new contract in the end of June. It's fifty:fifty. "If I were you, I would get ill", he told me. This made me laugh. No I didn't tell him that's my yoga practice that helps me to be so relaxed, even when having stress. Stress will grow even more, he told me. I appreciate it very much that he is so honest to me. I can plan my life so much better with this information. The boss is someone who is able to communicate "bad news". This is one of the qualities a leader must have in my opinion. I told him, however his decision will be, I won't leave the company with anger. And that's true.
When I will have to leave the company in summer, again unvoluntarily, it's the forth time that I have to leave a company "unvoluntarily. This must tell me something. I don't know what will happen in summer, but so far I'm relaxed and I can accept "my fate". Something else awaits me. What is it?????
Monday, March 24, 2008
Only Jed McKenna recommends a method: spiritual autolyse, sort of self-inquiry to drop the ego and remembering that we are mortal.
They all write similar things: To wake up is a process that can last years with setbacks. Singing matras, doing yoga, practicing tantra does not really help.
The attitude towards life is changing: they all seem to enjoy what is.
Not much can be done, unseen forces dictate life.
Jed backed out from everything, the others went on with their lives as usual. Satyam lost interest in sex and his business. Richard's wife even doubted that her husband is enlightened when I remember well. Herbert is not planning his life anymore, he is open for what is coming next, when I remember well.
It's so funny when I summerize these books in a few sentences. All the books are worth to be read and very helpful for those interested in living and not sleeping.
But let me face the facts. I always wanted to do accounting for my private expenses and income. I'm more than 3 months behind. I will stop it. I will throw away all the receipts on my desk. I want to be able to breathe. There is too much burden on me. My personal rucksack is getting heavier and heavier. I have too many undone tasks and no time to do it. To let go is the solution. I can start again. But firstly I will go through all my shares. I will sell my American stocks. The US-dollar won't recover anymore. I'm loosing money almost daily. It's good to travel to the US, but to have Dollars means throwing the money out of the window. Sorry.
Time is again the topic. We (E. and me) forgot the birthday of E.'s brother. We focus on the wrong things. The job is not everything. Too much of my energy goes to a company which will never honor it. There must be time for friends, my own business, cleaning the rooms and leisure time. My humble solution: I must organize myself better. I see the helplessness of this solution. It's not a revolutionary one, but a modest one. Buh, I'm thirsty.
How else do I waste my time: Jed McKenna pointed at it. It's how I read my books. I take a book, read it and this was it. When the book was extraordinaire good I remember it perhaps in a few months. Then it is forgotten. It's important to have questions when reading a book i.e. Otherwise it is just a distraction no more and no less. McKenna recommended the book "How to read a book" by Mortimer J. Adler, a classic. This book will be an inspiration how to read or better how to study books consciously. I have enough distraction. No, this is not the only book I'm going to read. I will start "Beyond awakening - the end of the spiritual search", by Jeff Foster. (Do I have enough from all the spirituality already? :) ).
Tomorrow I will have to go to the boss and I will have to tell him that I'm behind of everything. I missed all the deadlines. I will ask if I can work on Saturdays. (Contradiction to the second paragrpaph) OMG. I have to ask for working on Saturdays. I'm sure the company will allow it. Hahaha. This won't help, I still see me failing. Unseen forces know where I have to go next, I hope I will learn it early enough.
This post reflects how I am right now. I cannot focus on one topic. I jump from topic to topic. There is too much "I should", "I have to", I'm behind". I feel stress and I feel lost and burried under tasks, dust, books I want to read and and and.
To be amused about all this shall be my attitude. I'm still alive. Awful would be, if this would have an end because of my death. So let me enjoy the chaos, it's probably self-made and one day it will be over, but then I will be on a place ...see above.....a cemetry.
After basic cleaning at home I wanted to go out for a walk. My destination was the old cemetry "Nordfriedhof" round the corner. My bf accompanied me - and my camera.
I have no taboos regarding cemetries. In the 70s and 80s I used to hitchhike when I went on vacation. When it got night I had to look for a sleeping place. Not only once I found a quite place in a cemetry. I slept very well there.
Today I saw people jogging at this old cemetry, one man was doing Tai Chi, many were there just strolling around. It's a beautiful place there with very old trees. Graves can be found from people who passed away 400 years ago.
Yes, we are all mortal, it's good to remember this.
After my 3 morning pages I went back to bed. I slept till 11 a.m., then I had breakfast. After breakfast I sat down for 15 min, meditating. It was a wonderful quite session today.
And now I feel the urge to clean. Yoga must wait. There is still too much food in my stomach and really I must clean now and I want it. To clear my mind in an overcrowded home seems contradictory (at least today).
I had already taken a broom and had swept my little balcony. Now I go on with my yoga/living room and the laundry.
It will be time for yoga today, only the order will be different.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Page 280: "There are lots of ways you could raise your awareness. Study photos of people like yourself, now dead. Read books about death and suicide. Carry poison in your pocket and contemplate it often. Walk along high ledges............Take time every morning to understand what it means to have a new day. ...........Develop the habit of thinking of death every time you look at a watch or clock, every time you sit down to a meal, every time you go to the bathroom. "
I'm through the third book by Jed McKenna. I'm dazed, contemplative, sad because of the end.
Shower, conversation with my parents, waking up bf, lunch, cakes, driving back to Munich, that's what will come next.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Ambition showed its ugly face today. I have still neck pain. Injuries at the neck are always long-winding. This didn't prevent me from trying chakrasana. I felt the pain, but I went on, I felt more pain. Chakrasana was not possible, but now my neck is again worse. Thank you. Patience was not possible, it's not my strength.
I feel so good now, so relaxed, I'm thankful that I practiced. Breaks weren't necessary. I had flow.
What else do I want? I want to be perfect. Perfection - one of the ideas I will have to drop. The sooner the better.
Now some shopping, and then we'll see my parents in B. My mother is already preparing vegetarion food and a cake. "Don't prepare too much", I told her on the phone, but I'm sure she will prepare too much.
This morning I questioned, if it makes any sense to sit.
But I could find some reasons why to go on:
-To stand silence is not so easy, but to be without stupid outside distraction is worth doing it.
-I'm learning to let go of my thoughts. Doing this I see again and again how superficial and airy thoughts are.
- When I sit and thoughts and feelings come up I realize that they do not reflect life as it is, because when I sit I sit, nothing else happens. This experience helps not to take oneself (the thoughts and feelings) too seriously. A lot of thoughts that come up are pure entertainment, sometimes very bad entertainment, sometimes amusing.
Point. Yoga time. That's for my beloved and perfect body.
It's after 7 a.m. now, I will prepare a tea.
Friday, March 21, 2008
First what are the limitations, the dreamstatus? It's being in the past, being in the future, filter the world through opinions, learned thinking habits, known and unknown fears and so on.
Someone wrote me it should be possible just to go beyond the thoughts. It sounds so good, but it is so easy to lie to oneself. I'm convinced of writing.
It's so much more important to get rid of all the stuff that I have gathered through the years than to gather more concepts and ideas. Jed McKenna -Spiritual warfare pg 193: "A chameleon-like adaptability is one of Maya's (the ego, note of myself) most effective maneuvers. Paint some trees on the walls of your cell and some clouds on the ceiling and you're free as a bird."
To get rid of the prison is the goal and not to make the prison cosy.
I will examine my thoughts and opinions in a blog, a private one, in order to get rid of it, because they have nothing to do with the truth, with what really is. I'm fed up of dreaming, I'm fed up of living with an activated brake. I'm fed up living through the adopted concepts of others which I do not even know consciously. I feel ridiculous, so old I start with such an examination, with an attempt to free myself. I thought I have done this already in my 20s. But I feel it, there is still some work to do.
I feel less ridiculous when I think of the conversations with colleagues 10 years older than me. What I hear is complaints and complaints. Their life is a whole complaint.
I start a blog today, a private one in order to get rid of all the superficial stuff that I've gathered through the years. All the opinions and life strategies that I've learned through the years might have helped me to survive, but now they don't serve me anymore. So kiss and good-bye.
It's a coincidence that I bought 2 journals the other day. It seemed to me like a calling to finally start this project. It's faster to type than to write with a pen so I choose to blog.
Why all this:
It's not nice to be out with someone who is absent (in the past or in the future). I don't want to be like this, I want to be in the present.
There is so much misunderstanding when people are in the dream status. On the last working day a colleague gave me some papers to file. I said: "Oh, something to file. " I was glad, it was in the evening and I could only do simple tasks. She felt attacked because she gave me something so late. Misunderstanding, misunderstanding. This colleague always feels attacked, it's her concept, her limitation. I want to get rid of mine.
Let's see what will happen next, the day is not yet over.
There was no time for grocery shopping yesterday, so we will have to eat out today. Hunger will make us leave the home.
It's rainy here and cold. Uncosy.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
When I relaxed on my deck chair I looked out of the window first and then I read Jed McKenna. This is my Jed McKenna year. He is life-changing. He helps me to understand so many things. What I understand comes in another post, but probably not today.
This sauna is my favourite place now. A place to think, a place where I can find distance to my job, my life. To have this wonderful view in front of me, relaxes me totally. I lay there with my fire-red bathrobe, surrounded with a few naked people and I'm so content.
(Meeting at the office was rather entertaining. A colleague hold a lecture on taxes . There are always people, who are craving for recognition. I enjoyed his show, I loved it. He looked as if he was very happy with himself. It was great. He will leave the group. Oh, that's sad. I like his ego.)
I remember the guy, who was at the Mysore class yesterday. I met him in front of the door of B.s house. We talked a bit. He wanted to know, if it's possible to do second series here also. It came out that he has practiced Ashtanga for one year only. He told me that he has done second series once. Oh, oh, oh, I thought, very ambitious. He practiced next to me. B. told me in one of the last classes that I was breathing like a train. It means exhaling is longer than inhaling. When I'm a train, this guy was a fast train. His face was tightened and deep red. His mouth was open when he exhaled. I could feel his breath on my skin. He tortured himself. B. told him to keep the mouth closed and to do uddjay breathing. He started justifying his awful breathing. He is probably a nice guy. Too ambitious. It prevents him from listening and learning. What I saw was not a light and joyful practice, but a heavy one. I don't want to talk badly about this guy. He teaches me something as well. Ambition is per se not really bad. Ambition has different faces and can lead to different actions. To combine ambition with humor is perhaps a good thing. I'm sure that being aware helps to turn ambition in a feeling that supports learning. Too much ambition can often create the opposite. And B. told him that it would be better for him to stop after mari d, because he was not at all able to do it. This must have been awful for his self-image, his ego.
Back to my ego. We have a meeting today at work. I hope very much that I don't have to tell in public what is not done. Too embarrassing. I'd rather stay at home today. It's hard. Yes, I'm also curious what will happen next, but feelings of desperation are there, too. Sometimes I want to give up, sometimes I want to fight. The less resistance I show the better, I know this.
My current job is not really a smoothie.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I'm not so optimistic regarding my job. I'm failing. I see myself failing. It started as a snowball, but in the meantime it became a snowslide, unstoppable. I'm sliding down. I'm too slowly for all these tasks, I have too many questions and work is getting more and more. I do not meet any deadline, work remains undone and I cannot even explain why. It's perhaps the best thing what can happen. Perhaps I didn't understand so far that this is not the right place for me and now I get a lecture that I will understand. Whatever happens, inside I will remain amused, will I?
I must sleep now.
It's time to call E.. He wanted me to wake him up. In the meantime he could be in Enland (or is he still in the Netherlands?). I don't know, he will tell me.
He: Ms W., do we have lunch together?
Me whispering: yes.
He:Let's meet at the entrance of the cantine in 15 min.
(He needs a cigarette before and after the meal.)
He: Do you know that we will soon sit together.
He: Only 3 people shall sit together in the near future. You will come to our office and ....
Me: Who told you?
He: Mr X (the boss)
Me - huge grin
Me: Oh, that's nice.
He: I knew, that you would like it.
It's an improvement to sit with him and with another friendly woman. I don't like to hear "shit" the entire day like now. To be surrounded with discontent people is not so uplifting. But what I didn't say to my colleage. I don't like it to give up my window seat and that's what I will have to do. Then everybody who is walking down the aisles can look at my screen. It is as it is, it's not worth to loose too much energy with such superficialities.
It's always up and down, like in real life.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
So many thoughts came up during meditation and during yoga. This is all illusion, I know it. All these thoughts that paint a picture of the world are not the world. Thoughts were more in the grey area, not really uplifting. To shoo them away was not so easy. The cold water when I was under the shower was successful. It's always a little shock to feel the cold water on the hot body. This little shock makes me wake up.
I practiced second series till after the 2 twists, then time was over and more was also not possible due to my neck pain, that I got from the air-condition at the office (crap work).
It's not so easy to see me failing at the job. But I'm brave. I will do it with dignity and elegance as usual, but still I'm fighting, also with dignity and elegance. I'm even amused about the colleague, who treats me as if I weren't able to count till 3. (The man, who had the job before me was able to do the job, that's a fact. But we are not all the same.) I observe, I want to understand the meaning of all this. What will come next?
Back to my yoga practice: Urdhva dhanurasana becomes better even in the morning. The resistance to do it is fading, perhaps because it got easier.
Life is always in the present, I read this this morning in my samasati-email. How true.
Weaponed with my red batherobe, the book by Jed McKenna "Spiritual warfare" I will leave the house today. I plan to go to the sauna in Sheraton hotel, which is very close to the office.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I found out that my neck pain comes from the air-conditioning. On my left side on the floor is a blower. I put a file on it. Now I can hope that my neck will become better. It is already a bit better.
Catastrophe at work is growing. My plan: I have to force myself to do the most difficult tasks in the morning when I'm still concentrated. Routine work can be done in the evening. Before leaving the office I must make a plan for the next day. This is very important, too.
Early to bed, early up, that's what I will do today.
I want to have a good yoga practice tomorrow.
Bf went to bed a bit later than me, a bit after 10 p.m.. It's difficult for him to be quite when going to bed. I woke up again and I had difficulties to sleep in. This morning he had to get up at 4 a.m. He had to fly to the Netherlands. I woke up. too. At 5 a.m. then I was very tired. I wrote my morning pages and meditated. I know it, when I keep my eyes closed during meditation, I am so tired that it is better to go to bed again. And that' s what I did. I gave me another hour sleep. No yoga, only a few surya namaskaras a. I
have to go to bed earlier. It expects me a 10 hours day at least. And this won't change for the next weeks. I see that I won't be able to do all the stuff that must be done. Catastrophe grows in front of me. And the week has only 4 days. The next week has only 4 days, too. It might have all a larger sense. Fact is I feel pressure, a lot of pressure. And then this awful tiredness. I could cry.
Thoughts during meditation circled around the job and my bf. At least I could sit. I was able to try to observe and not to act panically.
I want to lie under bed stuff, I want to have it warm and I want to sleep, sleep, sleep.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The question "Who I am?" is perfect per se. But what followes is often the opposite of self-inquiry. The masters play the following game: The students have questions, the teacher answers and so on. It's outward, not inward.
This alone helped me to understand, why I have never finished one of Ramana's books. I got bored. It had nothing to do with me and I expected to learn something about me.
Jed McKenna - Spiritual warfare p. 149:"Ask yourself, who I am? - If you do it, you will become enlightened. There is no possible alternative. The only way self-inquiry can fail to work is if you fail to do it. That's pretty important point so I'll say it again: The only way self-inquiry - Ask yourself, Who am I? - can fail to result in enlightenment is if you fail to do it. "
So mosts people don't do the work. They read books, gather knowledge, but self-inquiry does not take place.
To think about this question brings no results, it must be done in writing. All effective thinking must be done in writing. Isn't that all perfectly simple?
Jed McKenna, Spiritual warfare, pg 151:
"We pick our teachers. We get what we wish for. We want cozy, uninterrupted slumber and the dream of spiritual progress, and that's what we get. If all Ramana had ever said was, Ask yourself, Who am I?, if that had been his answer to every single question put to him, then he'd have been the perfect teacher with the perfect teaching, but no one would have ever heard of him and we wouldn't be discussing him now.
.........Self inquiry was not Ramana's core teaching."
Redundant to say that I sweated today. The sentence "even iron is bendy when hot" came into my mind.
Due to my neck pain not everything was possible. I had to stop before eka pada sirsasana. Salamba sarvangasana was difficult, too. To turn the head to the left side is almost impossible. Neck problems are longwinded. I know this from my Bikram experience. To be patient and to accept what is is part of the learning process.
What I did was excellent. Progress could be seen today.
The breath is an issue. My inhaling is too short. It's difficult for me to make it longer or as long as the exhaling. I don't know why. B., my teacher told me the last time that shy people (me?) who give in their lives, can often exhale and exhale and exhale. They have more difficulties to inhale, which can be translated "give me, give me". I don't know if this suits to me. Am I shy?, Do I really give anything?, Am I not possible to take?. Fact is I will have to work on my breath. Pranayama in the evening before dinner would be good. 10 min, only 10 min. 10 min for something that is so essential.
At the end my legs hurt, but I could resist the impulse to look at the meditation clock or to move. I observed, what happened with my legs.
My neck hurts, but I want to do yoga now.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
And I found two journals and a book of course - "The road less travelled" found the way into my bag.
All the other asanas were excellent. I practiced slowly (with background music). I work on so many things: to jump through, urdhva dhanurasana, supta kurmasana, the right breath, the bandhas, to keep the back straight.
Exhaling is so much easier for me than inhaling. I can exhale and exhale. I think I haven't inhaled so much, why can I exhale so long. Inhaling and exhaling are not even.
I deserve a second breakfast now, before going downtown, looking for some fancy clothes. My mother wants to buy me some. :)
Am I glad now that I practiced.
At first a story. I found it in the book: The Myth of self-enquiry by Jan Kersschot.
(page xii ff)
This reminds me of the story of Tashi. He is a young Buddhist monk in Ladkh, Norht ndia. The tory is about the journey he made with his friend Sonam and their master Apo. In 1985, thiy joined the inauguration of the the Shanti Stupa in Leh. The Shanti Stupa was inaugruated by the Dalai Lama that year and that's why these three monks joined the festivities. After the ceremony they stayed for a few more days and then took their horses to go back to their own monastery, Hemis Gompa, about 80 miles west of Leh. On their way home there was a big storm. They had to stop and wait until the storm was over. While they were sitting by the side of the road and waiting till the storm was over, Tashi asked his master, "How come I still have all these problems with my ego wanting to do things which are not allowed according tho the rules of our monastery? What can I do to suppress them? I want to become a good monk. A devoted monk. I want to be free. I meditate as much as I can. I do the ceremonies every day - but things only get worse. Can you help me in my struggle against my ego?" The mastr replied, "Wait until tomorrow. Then the answer will come to you."
AS the storm continued, they decided to stay over for the night. So they improvised a place to sleep in a cave and made a fire. Unfortunately, they only had two cords to tie the horses down for the night. The rope of the master's hors was gone. Probably that rope was lost during the storm. Tashi and Sonam asked their superior what to do. Apo said, "These horses are tired. I don't believe my horse will run away in the middle of the night. " But the two young monks were afraid they would wake up the next morning with two horses by the tree instead of three. So Tashi and Sonam still asked their master what to do? Then Apo said, "Simply pretend to tie the third horse down. Pretend to take an imaginary rope from my bag and my horse will elieve it's his rope you're taking. Then act as if to put it around his neck." Sonam couldn't believe what he had just heard and replied, "We just pretend to tie him down?" "Right. You pretend to put that imaginary rope around his neck and fix it to the same tree as the other tow horses. Make the usual movement with your hands. Just act as if he is tied down, and my horse willstay put for the night, trust me! Although my horse is vey smart, I am sue he will not move until I whistle tomorrow morning." Tashi said to Sonam, "I will do it." So Tashi pretended to tie down the third horse with an illusory rope, making the same moements as usual - as if there was a real rope involved.
Tashi and Sonam didn't sleep well that night. Not because of the storm, but ecause they were worrying about the master's horse. The next morning, Tashi and Sonam woke up very early and rushed to the tree. They saw that the three horses hadn't moved during the night. They were relieved to notice that they were still standing next to the tree. So the master was right when he said that the three horses wouldn't move until the whistled to them the next morning. So everything was all right. They untied their horses and tehy started to pack their things to continue their journey to Hemis Gompa. When the master whistled - as usual - to call the three horses, only tw horses showed up. To their amazement the one horse they pretended to have tied down the night before did not move at all. The other two just walded toward them but the thired one didn't respind to the whistle.
The two young monks were very surprised and asked, "Master, why is your horse not following the two other horses?" The master smiled and said, "That's because he still believes he is bound by that imaginary rope. In other words, he doesn't realize he is not bound." The two young monks still didn't understand. The master said,"You see, the third horse believed he was bound yesterday evenin. You did the job very well. He didn't know that he was free to go for a walk all night long. This morning, you only untied the tow horses with the ral ropes, didn't you?" Tashi responded,"Yes, that's right, master - we only untied our own horses." Apo continued, "Because of the gestures you made when you pretended to tie him yesterday, the horse still believes himself to be bound by the imaginary rope until this very moment. He is still unfluenced by your hypnosis. That's why he didn't respond to my whistle." The two young monks then asked, "What should we do then?" The master responded, "Well, you ust prtend to untie him!" Tashi laughed, but as the master insisted, he walked up to the horse and pretended to untie him. He made all the gestures with his hands as if he was really untying him. Now the master whistled again, and his horse followed him immediately. After this they continued their ride to the monastery.
Half an hour later, Tashi asked his master,"Do you remember that I asked you a question yesterday about my struggle against my ego? That I feel imprisonedby my fears? That I have difficulty in controlling the disires in my body? I want to find freedom in this life. I feel locked up in my own body with its pain and its desires. I want to find my Buddha nature. I want to be free. I still didn't get an answer from you." The master replied,"Yes, I remember your question very well. The horse has given you the answer. You are like my horse." Tashi looked in amazement. Apo continued:" You see, my horse believed himself to be bound yesterday. And he believed that all night long - while he never realised that he was free all the time. That's exactly the same situation as when you ask me how to become freee while you were never bound in the first place." The young monk said,"I was free all night, but I believed I was in prison? That's why you waited to give me an answer before the morning?" The master replied, "Right, Tashi. You are already free, but you just believe that you are bound by an illusory ego. You're bound by an illusory rope. And you complain about all the problems you believe you have with that ego. I tell you that you are free, and you don't listen. Jult like my horse, you don't respind tho my whistle. You believe you live in a body. You pretend to believe you are in a prison. But the walls of your prison are illusory. What you really are is already free. That's all you have to understand. And what can I do with monks like you? All I can do is to pretend to untie the illusory ropes around your neck until finally you respond to my whistle!"
Then there was silence for several hours. The weather was much better now. and both Tashi and Sonam looked forward to getting back home. But Sonam noticed that Tashi didn't have a smile on his face. Tashi didn't like the answer of his master. He said to his friend Sonam, "How can I alrady be free if I stell feel bound?" Just efore they reached the temple, Tashi asked his master, "What can ai do to understand that I am already free?" Apo smiled. "You believe you are bound by your ego, while there is no ego. The ego is illusory, so you don't have to fight it or try and destroy it. The thinker you believe you are is just a thought. Your prison is empty. Don't you see? You're not imprisoned, never wre, never will be, because there is no 'you' in the first place." Tashi replied,"So there is nothing I can do because there is no 'me' to di it?" Apo replied, "Exactly! If there is no Tashi, what can I say to that ghost t do to find liberation for Tashi?" Apo smiled and continued,"Just as we come back home to our temple, you come home to your true nature. And you see that you've never left home anyway."
(Sorry, this story was too long)
Back to the spinach and that I'm not able to eat - this limitation, the imaginary prison. Is it difficult to leave the imaginary prison behind? I guess I have to eat spinach. I feel already sick when I think of it. Really. And what is also true: I do not know how spinach tastes, I do not even know how it looks like. Is it important to eat spinach, I ask myself? I mean I don't need it to survive. But it remains a prison, may it be illusonory, but it is a prison. I'm not at all curious how spinach tastes. I guess I have to try it.
Spinach is a metapher of course, for so many things we avoid due to our imaginary prison.
The one below I got several days ago and it saved my day. There is only the present moment. With each email comes a beautiful picture.
Be in the Present
Learn to be in the present.Withdraw your energy from the past. Don't waste your time in memories. What is gone is gone. Say goodbye to it and close the chapter.
What has not come yet has not come yet. Don't unnecessarily waste your time and energy in imagination, because no imagination is ever fulfilled. It is because of this that the proverb exists in every language: "Man proposes, and God disposes" because you imagine a certain thing in the future, and it is never so.
Withdrawing yourself from past and future, you will become a tremendously intense energy, focused in the present, concentrated in the present like an arrow.
Each moment being aware, alert, watchful, in the herenow, is the way not to miss the train. Every experience needs your presence here, this moment.
And this is a simple secret, but it opens the doors of existence, of all the mysteries, of all that is worth knowing, worth tasting, worth feeling, worth being.
Only the own thoughts come up. And they are often very crazy. So crazy that I would never tell them to anybody. It's even difficult to look at them by myself. That's the next experience when sitting. To look at all the craziness, to accept it and to let it go.
Silence is difficult to stand for most of the people. It's even a tool for advanced sales people. I sold a lot of insurances with this method. People prefer to say "yes, I want it" instead of standing the silence.
Meditation was a bit crazy, but in total very good. I could stand the silence, I enjoyed it. To sit is good for me. It helps me to relax.
Friday, March 14, 2008
E. and I won't go to the book fair at Leipzig. I'm glad. I need time for relaxation. I just left the kitchen, I did some chores there. It was planned to spend the evening with my book by Jed McKenna, but it is already late. It's time for one chapter, and then I can only sleep and see what I can accomplish tomorrow. What a busy time do I have.
This morning I meditated. I sat quite, I guess even more than 15 min. I had forgotten to switch on my meditation clock. Little mistakes, that happen when being unaware. But it's always possible to get back to the here and now. It's possible to become aware in every second.
After meditation I went to bed again. I was tired. I hugged my darling from behind and enjoyed his body heat. Yes no yoga, I'm never pleased when I skip it. But I'm tired, I have neck pain, I feel mercy towards myself. Weekend is coming.
We planned to go to Leipzig to the book fair this weekend. This would mean that I would have to take the train to N this night. After midnight we would be at my parent's home. Next morning we could drive to L, it would take another 3 hours. And on Sunday we had to make the way backwards. I'm not in the mood to have such an exhausting weekend. I must talk to E., how important the book fair is to him. I want to sleep, want to relax.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I was told that I couldn't do simple things after a year, that I did not bring the wished results.
This conversation was like meditation for me. I sat down quitely and listened to him as if I were listening to my thoughts in the morning. I was quite. To stay quite is something I learn when I meditate, not to follow each and every impulse. No justification of myself, I gave silence. Now I know why I'm meditating. It was a great conversation. I like this man as a boss. He mentioned that I should tell him how he could help me. He is great.
At the end I said something like: Thank you for the feed back, it's always difficult to see oneself.
I added: So let's work on the results ( He wished results. He has had a complaint about me on his desk I should add).
I must sleep now. I guess I must deliver results. :)
I wrote my journal as usual and I meditated. Today I took my left leg first in order to fold into lotus pose. Rather at the end of my meditation my left leg started hurting. I thought: observe it, breathe, breath it away if possible and relax. It was possible. I could sit quitely 15 min, it was nice.
I had a slow practice today. Yes, my left shoulder hurts again. I thought it is over, but yesterday when I did chakrasana it came back. Shoulderstand was difficult due to my neck and shoulder. It's part of the practice to have some injuries and pain from time to time. My neck pain didn't come from the yoga practice, but from the relocation. I lifted myself up into urdhva dhanurasana. I was asthonished how good it was. It had not enough time for each pose I wanted to do, but what can I do, I need sleep, too.
It will be again a very long working day. Deadlines threaten me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
But Mysore class was so good again, that I'm just relaxed. Nothing else. We were 5 today, one man was there from America and the usual suspects. The man, who looked a bit like a Bavarian due to his beard, had also practiced in Mysore. He practice second series, I regretted it that he practiced on the other side of the room so I couldn't see much.
To be concentrated on my own practice is not so bad either.
Urdhva dhanurasna was very good today. It comes, slowly, but it comes. I know it. Joy. Yepee.
So and now I'm enjoying my cup of tea, I have to go to bed soon, I'm tired.
Meditation was great today, I was so quite. Breath was quite and deep.
I hadn't slept much last night. It started that I went to bed too late and then I couldn't sleep. I forced myself to stay in bed and to breath quitely. I think between 4 and 5 I slept then. A bit less sleep for a day which will end at 9 p.m.
Still leaning against the doorframe I thought of yesterday's lesson.
More and more I see how less influence I have even regarding my own life. This frustrates me and I sense some fainting. I fear to loose my job and that I cannot do anything against it i.e. I start clinging to it. :) Worked till 7 p.m. yesterday.
Yesterday I got an email. I couldn't make a decision how I wanted to react when it would happen. But cosmos delivered the most elegant solution. ( I got a wrong email adress, life cannot be funnier or am I sarcastic now?). It teached me to be quite to lean back, to stay relaxed, to observe. The cosmos knows better what is good for me. It's not necessary to make decisions, decisions are already made (without asking me).
To go on - for a long time this was the key word for Jed McKenna. I have the feeling as if I step into his footsteps. To go on can really be a guidepost. No, I do not give up that fast. I go on.
No yoga today, but I will go to a Mysore class this evening.
Oh, the weather report tells me that it will be stormy here, but inside I'm quite, full of trust. Whatever will happen, I will welcome it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
My shoulder hurts today. We unpacked all the files. Soon it was clear that the files would not have enough room in the filing cabinets that were building the walls of the new office. So we had to carry these heavy files to other filing cabinets. I felt compelled to work as fast as the others. I knew that this would be hard and today I feel it. My left neck and my shoulder tell me that it was a bit much.
It takes energy to swim the river upwards. But it expects me the source. It meant mental effort to swim in the other direction and not to be carried away with the river of self-pity and dissatisfaction.
In the meantime my neighbour was still walking around in his room, but without his pair of pyjama trousers. (Nothing could be seen. So bad).
Finally I did a few suryas and the standing sequence. Very sloppy and fast I practiced. Salamba sarvangasana was scarcly possible due to my shoulder. I enjoyed downward facing dog and savasana at the end.
Let's see what the day will bring. I want to be soft. The breath shall be the subject of my observations today.
Monday, March 10, 2008
The new office: To make it short: I like it, most of my colleagues don't like it. One colleague almost cried the entire day. She was in an incredible bad mood. Another colleague had a very sad face. Another colleague left the company at 4, he had enough. I don't understand their problems. The decision is made, nothing will change. It makes no sense to complain. I'm indifferent, I even like the new office. Everything is new, not so dirty like in the old office. We even have a terrace. When I'm courageous enough, I can even meditate there, Munich at my feet. Today we could see the Alpes from the terrace, the view was great when we had the welcome champagne on that terrace. Yes we are four now in a rather small space. Around us are the filing cabinets. It's an office.
Cantines are no more what they used to be. Our cantine there is excellent. It's possible to arrange the own meal. Everything is available. I had a glass noodle salad with mango sauce and fresh coriander. That's something. I must take care that I do not gain weight, there are too many choices.
So reading time now.
I had not enough time. The last poses of the middle part of the Ashtanga series are always a bit neglected because of this. After marichyasana c I had to stop. Time was over. This about the too short time frame.
But besides the lack of enough time the practice was very satisfying. Body was soft after the first surya namaskaras. My surya namaskara a and b improved. I move very evenly, focus is upward facing dog. Somtimes I hold this pose for several breaths. I feel tension and flexibility at the same time.
Urdhva dhanurasna - I did it. That's already something. In the morning I do not have any expectations. I'm glad when I can convince me to lift myself up.
The breath: Focus of my awareness shall be the breath today. Perhaps I do not breathe deeply enough during the day. This might be a reason why I feel so tired from time to time.
I will have to go to the new office today. I'm indifferent. It will be a day of unpacking the boxings. We will test the new cantine. And I will be glad when I will be at home again. :)
Sunday, March 09, 2008
We practiced till marichyasana b, I knew that we wouldn't do all the poses of the first series. Advanced yogis practiced next to beginners today. It was possible for me to go deep into the poses. My focus was upward facing dog. I guess this helped me to do a rather good urdhva dhanurasna at the end, at least it felt good.
I cannot remember that I thought of anything else but the bandhas, the breath, the drishtis and to feel the limits and to go behind them. At 5 p.m. the body was even softer than at 12.
The group helped a lot to hold the poses, to take another deep breath. And I was proud that I kept staying without moving in utthita hasta padanghustasana when the yoginis around me were all wobbling.
This led class was a perfect end of a rather relaxing weekend.
I start getting unsettled again. The job, the house, all the undone duties.......
The first time ever my head touched the floor when I did Laghu Vajrasana. Quickly I went up again, but the same way as I went down. It was very courageous from me.
I could do my leg behind the head. I was very deep into yoga nidrasana, my fingertips could touch behind the back while my feet were crossed behind the head. I was never so far like today.
Tittibasana is very demanding. I feel already weak when this pose comes in the row. It's my worst asana for the time being.
After pincha mayurasana I stopped the middle part, I felt weak already and not very balanced.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I did it and I could stretch my arms. Wonderful, too. I'm patient.
I feel very good now. Time to have a cup of tea and a little second breakfast. Where is my book, Jed McKenna Spiritual Warfare?
This morning was very emotional for me. Ego was in full action, in full swing. The contents of my thoughts are not important as they are compatible. My emotions prevented me from my beloved practice. I prepared breakfast for me and decided to go on reading Jed McKenna - Spiritual warfare. I found the right words there for me (chapter 14).
His words showed me that everything is OK what happens in life (the good things are good and the "bad" things are good, too). Only the ego prevents us to see it (my emotion this morning). I looked at my own life and I could see how right he is and that it's important to cultivate openness, sensitivity. Live happens, not much can be done. To remove the ego helps to see that everything is OK.
Many things even life-changing events in my life happend without my often desperate struggling.
I was introduced to my bf in a phase of my life where I was really broke. I had to stop smoking due to lack of money, I ate in the cantine of the university, I couldn't afford more. I looked always very young and I could mingle among the students. I didn't know how to afford this cheap meal for the coming months. I was not unhappy, only broke. My job was so bad paid that I couldn't live from it and all my savings were spent already. Then E. came into my life (we were introduced by a friend of me), and E turned out to be a generous man who loved me (still does). Another job followed.
Let me look at my jobs. A few years ago I was unemployed for 2 and a half years. I had used this time to go to school again and to prepare and pass a rather difficult accounting test. The only thing I did in order to get a job after the test was to publish my profile in the internet. I was contacted by a very nice woman, who mediated me. It happened without my efforts. I was predicted that I would have difficulties to get a job because of my age and so forth. Nothing alike happened. A job came without doing much (like an infection :).
"Bad" events are perfect as they are, it's only difficult to see it. I lost the last 3 jobs more or less unvoluntarily. I experienced mobbing and bosses who hated me and couldn't hide it. In the company I'm working for I got a contract for only 1 year, all the others have contracts, which are not limited. It's neither bad nor good, fact is I'm rather indifferent to the limiting contract even though it means a stop of incoming money in case it would realy stop. I'm sure they will give me an unlimited contract after the year, they need people. But this limited contract must tell me something. There is still something else that I have to do. I must listen to the cosmos. What shall I do next? I want to hear it, I want to receive the message. These thoughts allowed me finally to do my sitting meditation. I did it, but I was not concentrated, my mind was writing my blog. 15 long minutes I was writing my blog, while sitting on my soft cushion.
But now it's time for Ashtanga yoga. :). I'm conscious again, emotions disappeared (It's incredible how important I take myself). I'm very proned to switch on the CD by Sharath, but today I don't want to listen to an external voice ( and Sharath has a very beautiful voice btw). I want to listen to my body today. It always has something to say.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
I thought it was a good idea to do grocery shopping with a full stomach.
But I had a message on my answering machine from my bf when I arrived at home: He will arrive here in Munich at 10 p.m. I won't cook anymore. I don't care when he is late. He was always late, I do not expect him to be on time. It's freedom that we both enjoy. With less expectations a friendship is easier.
I finished my evening with a dark chocolate with orange flavour and a glas of Bordeaux.
I quote: Jed McKenna - Spiritual warfare - page 73 ff.
"Okay," she says through self-conscious laughter,"if you had to be an ingredient on a Big Mac, which one would you be? And why?"
I laugh too.
"That's your question?" I say. "Where's you get a question like that?"
"A Human Resources manager asked me in an interview fo an intern-ship one summer."
"What did you answer?"
"Let's not make this about me."
"It cought me off guard," she says. which was probably the point. I said I'd be the special sauce because it's bold yet mysterious."
We both laugh at that.
"What's so mysterious about the special sauce?" I ask.
"Isn't it a secret recipe or something?"
"I don't know. I thought it was Thousand Island dressing."
"I don't know either. I'd never even ever eaten one; I just knew the ingredients from the commercials."
"Did you get the job?"
"Internship. Yes, I got it. So how would you anser if Maggie (the daughter) asked? Which ingredient of a Big Mac would you be?"
"Whichever one had the power to terminate its own existence."
She stares at me, not sure if I'm joking.
"No, come on. What would you say if Maggie asked?"
"Whichever one had the power to terminate its own existence."
I take a few seconds to see if I have any other answer to the question but I don't.
"But really, Jed, think about it. None of the ingredients of a Big Mac have the ability to kill themselves."
"Then I'd kill myself while I still could; before they came."
"Before who came?"
"Whoever was going to turn me into a powerless ingredient."
"You are not answering the spirit of the question."
"I think I am, though I doubt I'd get the job."
"Internship. Suicide wasn't one of the options."
"It wasn't stated, but it was there. It's always there."
"And that would be your answer to the question if Maggie asked it?"
"Well, I can't be sure, but it certainly sounds like something I'd say."
She stares at me for another long moment, then slumps.
"Oh nuts. It does, doesn't it?" She rubs her eyes. "Well, I can't argue with that. She's read your books. We're past the point of no return. Let's go ahead and try it."
Must go on reading before it's bedtime.
Then I practiced alone. Oh, this has improved: a year ago or so I had difficulties to stay on the mat. I used to walk around in my rooms in the middle of the practice. Nowadays I stay once I have started. I make breaks from time to time, that's true and OK, but I stay on the mat. This way the practice is much more concentrated. When it's over it's over. There is no necessity anymore to be dressed in yoga clothes the entire day.
Adho mukha svanasana and urdhva dhanurasna: I held adho mukha svanasana for several breaths each time I did it. It's a key backbending pose in the first series. It was my preparation for urdhva dhanurasana. The body was soft today. I lifted myself up into urdhva dhanurasna 3 times. I still see no way to drop back on my own, I don't want to mention to stand up from this position. In order to do it I have to put more effort in my practice - strength is needed as well as the possibility to open the chest and to bend backwards (much further than I'm able till now). Courage is needed. too. I think I must practice twice a day this pose. And I must loose 4 pounds. This always helps. I'm ambitious today. I want to do this pose, it's the official entrance ticket for the 2nd series.
Silently I cursed today: Why must I have found such a demanding yoga style for me, that pleases me so much.
I'm sitting here on my chair, dressed with a red pair of trousers and a white jacket. I'm relaxed. I'm ready to work on my other tasks.
This afternoon E. will be back. I will cook us something. Shopping at a Munich market, having tea in a cafe, walking around, reading Jed McKenna, this will be my day. That's beautiful. Was there a morning depression, cannot remember anymore. Action is a good drug for bad mood.
Everything changes: Especially the mood. I wanted to declutter. I started with the bathroom. There are not so many redundant items: OK I found about 12 pieces of soap. I kept them all. Yeah. But I sorted out a winter coat (I still have 2), an old yoga mat (now I have still 4). After meditation I took all that stuff and threw it into the garbage can in the backyard. I feared that I would think it over again.
Everything changes: Especially the mood. It's yoga time and I really want to practice.
Friday, March 07, 2008
I reflected about my job and how to become more effective (I have to become more effective, when I want to survive): I must do the routine work later in the afternoon and the demanding tasks in the morning when I'm still fresh. That's one important thing I have to change.
Observing people downtown I saw the diversity of people, the options that are possible. There are many possibilities in this world also for me.
I'm relaxed, I have a new lila yoga mat, 2 new books and dinner with B. was great too. Nothing to complain. And now I will go on reading Jed McKenna's third book. I cannot stop reading. It's excellent again.
It was wonderful this morning, all this wonderful poses that I could do were a pure joy:
Utthita hasta padanghustasana: I'm holding the outer side of the leg now and no more the big toe. My leg is in a correcter position that way and I can go deeper into this asana.
Supta kurmasana: I could hook the fingers AND the toes touched, to cross them will take some time.
Urdhva dhanurasana: It was hard this morning. I tried to stretch the legs, this helped to get deeper into the pose, but this was it. At least I do this pose, then success will come from alone (hopefully).
What else: Strong feelings of anger came up this morning, because one of my colleague wanted me to pack his boxes. I can get furious right now. Btw, of course I helped the others when I had finished my packing. But to make me packing the heavy files is something else. A man can do the hard body work. But this colleague is not a man. My prejudices about small and ugly man got new arguments. Of course I didn't pack his stuff. Shouldn't I be thankful for such a provocations? It shows me how far I came. I was not entertained, I was attached. I have not come that far, there is still a long way to go. Ego is still fast, ever-present and strong.
Today I will go downtown, I will buy me a new yoga mat. The guy, who practiced next to me on Wednesday had such a wonderful sticky mat, I need the same only in bordeaux red, not in black. And at 5 I will meet B.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Colleague: Are you still optimistic?
Me: Yes, of course, benevolent curiosity is my feeling.
Me: And on Monday morning, I will listen to James Brown "I feel good, the weather is fine", with this mood I will go to the new office.
Me: But I'm ready to change my opinion anytime.
(You see, I talk too much)
(Btw, what are opinions, I'm giving them up piece by piece. My life is lived more and more breath by breath and for now I'm sitting in front of my PC and I'm enjoying it to write down, what comes up.)
I had to practice slowly, it was not possible to practice fast, so ushtrasana was my last pose of the middle part today. Time is limited. The body was not really sore from the intensive practice yesterday, but the body felt a bit used. Motivation was very high. What I describe are the daily ups and downs. Today I could see the summits, the deep valley was far below me. Let's see what will be tomorrow.
Adho mukha svanasana: B. told us yesterday that this is a perfect pose to exercise the bandhas and it is so true. This pose is my relaxing pose as well. I stretch myself into the pose and breath evenly sometimes more than 1 breath and then I go on for the next challenge, the next pose.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I lifted myself up, but it was a weak pose. So what.
Closing sequence and savasana, the end.
And what else: Bf is back, I found him this morning next to me. In my inbox I found an Email from him: Urgent, please wake me up at 6:30. We played our morning game. I interrupted my yoga practice before the closing sequence to wake him up. He: I will sleep till 8. I thought: and what about the urgency?
And what else: Today we will pack all the boxing at work. I already packed 12, another 18 or so must still be packed. And then we have 2 parties, a party in our accounting group, and another official one, that will start at 3 p.m. That means probably that I can go downtown at 4 p.m. I will have time to spend money. And tomorrow we all will have a day off. I will have 3 days off in a row, it's a gift from heaven.
And the sun is shining, too.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
The group: The group helped me a lot to have focus ,to fight, to be attentive, to be even relaxed. We were six people today, 4 woman, 1 man. The enthusiastic man came back, he couldn't come the last time because he was sore. OK, this is an excuse. One mat was next to the other. In the beginning of the class I had cold feet but this disappeared. It became warm in the room. Energy was in the room.
Urdhva dhanurasana: B. modified the adjustment. She is holding my thighs now when I drop back. That way I have a better feeling for the moment when I cannot hold me anymore. It was again a bit better than the last time. It comes, it comes, this summer (or in spring?). :)
But what was that under the shower: When washing myself between my toes I'm usually in uttanasana. I could scarcely keep my legs straight. It was as if my body wanted to tell me: Honey, it was enough for today. I respect this.
I'm almost manic, I feel absolutely high. It's a waste of energy to go to bed now. Really. I feel ready to take on anything. But my warm bed is waiting for me......and another practice tomorrow morning.
On the mat: It was again difficult, painful. I had to practice slowly. Why, why, why,is it so, I asked myself, even though I knew the answer. I gained again 2 pounds. Each and every pound influences the yoga practice. I was too sloppy with my vegan diet (I ate too many cakes and milky desserts lately) and that's why I felt even arthritic. I had to practice slowly, the breath helped me to go on. Only to stay on the mat was the goal. After marichyasana b the time was over. I lifted myself up into urdhva dhanurasana - at least I did it. Instead of sirsasana, I did pincha mayurasana against the wall - balance becomes better.
Savasana - I'm looking forward to it every day, so it was today. I feel well now and I know that it was important to practice.
Meditation was great today. I didn't wait till the 15 min were over. Perhaps I always was in the current moment?
It's somehow exciting: Only 2 days we will be in the "old" office. Today is the last working day there and I have a lot to do. For the time being I have the feeling that I start swimming again and that I'm not drowning. This can change again, I know it.
Mysore class this evening (I don't want to fall on my head, when dropping back into urdhva dhanurasana. I will say that I'm arthritic today.).
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Yoga: I needed several breaths till I could go on when I hang forward in uttanasana, when doing the first surya namaskara. It became better much better, but it remained hard. Whyever. Good was that I went on. Poses were weak and sloppy I didn't hold them long. I was on my mat, I practiced and I'm so sure that it was good for the body. I feel well now. Flexible and relaxed. I needed savasana today. The practice is over, I let it go. (I had good practices already, did I?)
I'm as hungry as a wolf now.
Still 2 working days (today and tomorrow), on Thursday we will pack. On Friday we have a day off (ohhhhhh) and on Monday I will have to take another subway, I will have to go to another office. It's all rather exciting.
Monday, March 03, 2008
At 5 I got up, knowing that more sleep would have been good. I still miss my coffee, the kick in the stomach. I wake up so much slower with tea.
When it was time to step on my mat I asked myself if I should go to bed again or if I should practice. I stepped on my mat. Without expectations I practiced. Focus was the breath. It helped me a lot. Pain was felt when feeling the limits. And this pain woke me up. Even if the pain is bearable the body and mind gets attentive. What's happening with me, they seem to ask themselves. I stretched my body and this is accompanied with a bit of pain, so is it.
Ashtanga yoga has the potential to wake me up.
Urdhva dhanurasana was very weak today.
I enjoyed savasana, the last post.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
I worked at the office, it was surely not enough what I did within 3 hours.
I cleaned the home (laundry, floor, dishes). I could have done more.
I did yoga, a few handstand, a few armstands and a short sequence of asanas. I wished I had more time for it.
Summary: I worked on all constructions and that's OK.
I must go to bed early. I want to practice tomorrow morning.
Expectations fade. Innocent curiousity arises. And with this approach I experience a lot of fun. Who and what can disappoint me now?
(Oh, not that I'm totally free of expectations, but there is this strong tendency to let go of them, all of them. They do not serve me anymore.)
Shall I practice after working at the office? This is perhaps the best idea. It's still windy outside, but rather warm. 9 people died yesterday due to the storm, so it was good that I stayed at home.
A lot can be done even in a few hours. It makes sense to go to work. So I will do it. It will be the last time, as we are no more allowed to work during weekends in the new office.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
But when it was time to go to the yoga class the weather was rather modest, so I went. It turned out to be a classic hatha yoga class, only for advanced yoginis. We were about 20 woman, most of them not so young (but obviously everyone thought that she was advanced).
It's amazing how much energy people bring home from India. The teacher has been in India for a while. She learned to pause. India is not a country where you can hurry. To pause here from time to time is very healthy, too. I will remember this.
We did not only one surya namaskar. We started with utanasana. Between the demanding poses we returned to utansana. Nevertheless I sweated. The poses were really very demanding.
Handstand: I listened carefully to the instructions and this helped me to do a rather balanced handstand, even without touching the wall. To turn the thigh of the leg that goes up first inwardly is the secret, then balance becomes easy. It's true. I lost the respect for this pose, I even think that it can be learned rather easy.
In general we were told often to rotate the thighs inwardly and then to lengthen the spine. Especially to lenghten the spine is important. To open the hips and to lenghten the spine, these too movements go together. This can be applied in utthita parsva konasana i.e. Precision was teached. This is really something which can be learned from other yoga styles. Ashtanga focuses on the breath. We were asked to do udjjiy breathing, but I haven't heard so much breathing in the class. If I had time I would like to go to a hatha yoga class, but............I do not have time.
I loved the class, I can even consider to do a hatha yoga practice at home from time to time, which means doing one asana after the other without vinyasa.
What's perhaps missing is the flow. I like the flow, the dynamic of Ashtanga. I'm perhaps still too wild, full of energy that must find a ventile: I guess Ashtanga yoga is the best yoga style for me.
PS: What is advanced now? I forgot to mention, that advanced yoginis are friendly people, attentive towards themselves and to others.
I opened the door to my balcony to check the weather. It's impossible to go out. It's stormy and rainy. It's reasonable to stay and wait or to work tomorrow. Let's see, I'm ready to go.
I liked all the asanas, I had no preferences.
Setu bandhasana: I used to go out of the pose rolling over my neck. This hurt. Now I leave the pose exactly how I entered it. This is easier and softer for the neck.
Urdhva dhanurasana - I don't feel ready to drop back. I tried to walk down the wall with my hands, but I didn't reach the floor.
Savasana: At the end of 5 min I'm really deeply relaxed, but I need these 5 min to relax totally. I could here the storm outside, it was a nice atmosphere.
The breath is the challenge. I will go on working on it.
(I'm not sure if I will go to the advanced yoga class today. Firstly my job is important, time is tight already, secondly I must clean, thirdly I do not feel advanced today.)
But between all this mental activities I breathed and nothing else happened. Upright I sat in lotus pose. The noise of my washing machine in the background calmed me down. Life goes on.
From time to time I find quite places to relax. And from time to time nothing matters but the current moment.