Thursday, January 31, 2008
It's already clear, I have to work on Saturday.
In the underground I have my spiritual time. I read books. You cannot flee from the present, I read today. It's so obvious and simple that it is easy to overlook it.
And how does my present moment look like. I sit with crossed legs on a chair in front of my PC. I have turned on the radio, they play Tina Turner. I do not see the mess around me. What shall I do I ask myself. I will go on reading and the sooner I'm in bed, the better.
I do not have a lot to write now, because I worked the whole day. :)
When I make breaks now, I stay on my mat and breathe. I feel a bit reluctant to go on, I feel the "need" of relaxation, but I'm no more so distracted, I'm more focused. Focus is the breath when I make a break. I imagine how it looks like when I go on. Breaks have another quality now.
During the day I neglect breaks. It would be good to do more and to focus on the breath. To drink consciously a cup of tea would be so good too. Breaks can be a reminder that my day is an awareness exercise. Nothing else. Ha, I just found a goal for my day.
Honey, sugar, ahhhh, I want to be your candy girl.
(I listen to the radio and yeah it's true, I want to be your candy girl)
Sitting meditation was rather quite today.
One month of the year is already over. I look back.
Job: It's tough, I learn a lot. To develop a more relaxed attitude would be good.
Routines: Yoga and meditation routines are very strong. Cleaning routines are very weak (not existing)
Friends: I neglect them, I want to find time for the pleasure to meet friends.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Feelings went up and down this evening. I even felt very alone. Even this feeling changed. It is weak now, it does not threaten me. My feelings change so fast. Every morning before I do yoga I say to myself: I'm not my feelings. Does this show consequences? Perhaps I cannot take my feelings serious anymore, that's why they change so fast? If nobody believes in a lie, I'm likely not to repeat it. I don't know. Yes, alone this evening, very alone.
At home again (after dinner in the Italian restaurant), I was looking for a quote in the book by Balsekar "The one in the mirror".:
Page 50: Human life is essentially lonely: an old bachelor is no more lonely than a young one; a bachelor no more lonely than a man with a wife whom he dislikes; a man with a wife whom he dislikes no more lonely than a man with a wife whom he loves; a man with a wife no more lonely than a man with a harem.
The only man who is not lonely is the one who is forever in harmony with the 'other'. And the only man who is in harmony with the 'other' is the one who has, by the grace of God, been able to accept that everything happens - according to the Cosmic Law - and is never the deed done by any individual entity.
I'm so confused. I must change my whole thinking.
Bf is planning weekend trips for us in March and April. I should stop with my sentimentality. Shoo shoo away. Bed time. I'm relaxed. And I'm looking forward to sleep.
I must stop writing about my feelings. They change too fast. Good night.
Sitting meditation: I thought of the corporate tax declaration, the trade declaration, the VAT that I have to do for 15 companies. I thought of the piles of paper on my desk, the annual accounts I have to do in a very short time. I thought of the bank accounts that I have to check, I thought of the accruals I have to do. Finally I thought about sex, but I didn't like that either. I had forgotten the intention of this practice, I got lost in thoughts. Only for a fracture of a second I was capable to see me sitting in lotus pose on the floor on my meditation cushion. A few seconds of awareness happened so. 15 min were over much too fast.
Sunshine experiences stress, I thought.
Ashtanga yoga: When sitting meditation was black, yoga was white. Thoughts disappeared. I had focus. There was not the time for all the asanas, but this was OK. What I did had intensity. I was deep into the asanas and the breath was there all the time. I even lifted me up into urdhva dhanurasana 3 times.
I took the time for the last pose - savasana: let go, let go, let go, I thought. I like it to feel the "hard" floor, when I lie on my back. After a while I rolled my body to the right side. The end.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Not so much energy is left, so that I would be able to work on plan b.
This evening I walked home a few underground stations and saw a lot of people. I asked myself: have they chosen to be like they are, so neglected, often ugly? I don't think that it was a conscious action to be like they are. I see things happen.
What can I do, when I can do nothing?????? (What a question.)
I should shower.
I did second series today, but my last pose of the middle part was urdhva dhanurasana. The breath lifted me up, at least it helped to inhale while my arms and legs tried to bring the middle part of the body up into the air.
It was possible to take the leg behind the head and balance was felt in pincha mayurasana.
Sitting was great today. Many thoughts came up, also not pleasant ones. But I sat quite. I'm not my thoughts, I thought. What does this mean? Why am I not my thoughts? I remembered: They cannot be true, because they always change. When they change all the time they have no substance, no validity for eternity. I can even change them consciously. It's good or bad entertainment, nothing else.
To be aware of myself and what happens around me.
To let life happen and to enjoy it.
Monday, January 28, 2008
During the day till the evening I work as an employee.
In the evening I'm no more fresh like a salad leave. Often I'm tired. I neglect cleaning my home.
Whenever it is possible I read something.
But what else??? I must become quite, I want to listen to the voice of the Source: What else shall I experience during my stay here on earth.
And he was right. I did what I could, routine work, working on the piles on my desk. It was almost 8 when I left the company with a good feeling. I was relaxed and have done what I could do. Mood was excellent.
I ran to the grocery store to buy basic stuff like bread and jam after work.
Bf meets a former school colleague. He asked me what he should ask her. I gave him some key words: love, sex, job, parents, past, future.
I had a few hours for myself. I loved it. I had no desire to read anything. Oh damned, I must hurry now, I must shower, tomorrow I want to practice.
Then I threw the meditation cushion on the floor and sat. My eyes closed automatically during my sitting session - I was tired. I was in bed on time yesterday evening, but sometimes 7 hours of sleep are perhaps not enough.
Nevertheless I rolled out my mat and I did 1 surya namaskara a. Very lethargic. And then I decided to go to bed again. I hugged my darling from behind. He is so warm in the morning. To lie so close to him appeased me enormously. After a while I turned and lied on my back, arms relaxed next to my body - savasana in bed. I still need sleep. It would be good to go to bed at 9:30 at night, I need more sleep.
To lean back and to be entertained: so I wanted to view life yesterday.
Does it entertain me to be so reluctant, not wanting to go to the office? A bad movie, I think.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
He: When we try to solve mathematical problems and we are not able to do it.
He added: And when we know that others are able to do it.
The ego thinks in certain patterns: When I put enough effort into something I will succeed, is one of the thinking patterns of the ego. As often as it is true, it is also often not true.
The ego thinks, one has a will, that there is influence.
More and more I see how little influence I have, neither on myself, nor on others. It's a total different thinking that is starting. It is from doing to accepting. It's from fighting to let be. (Even fighting can be accepted and observed). It happens, as other things happen, too. Cosmic law.
It can be a relief to view life that way. It means I cannot succeed and I cannot fail. Everything happens, with or without my effort.
To lean back and to observe what is happening and to be entertained. So I want to live. (I want to stop fighting for each and everything. I want to let life happen).
Savasana: there was a time where I didn't do this pose. Relaxation, I thought, I'm relaxed after practice, it's enough. But it is not enough. I do savasana now and I enjoy it. I feel the blood running through my body after the practice, it's wonderful.
Savasana can be even more. It can mean to let go, to let go of judging how the practice was (it is already over, when I'm in this pose), to let go of the last tensions that might be felt in the body, and finally to let go of life itself perhaps.
All the time we gather things, ideas, opinions, concepts, even people. I realize now that I have to let go. It's a difficult process. In order to be pure it's absolutely necessary.
I need room, so that new things can develop.
We must hurry now. A friend has her birthday. I'm looking forward to seeing her.
The meeting almost started with friction. The owner of the restaurant wants to make a club out of his restaurant so that he can allow guests to smoke. He needed signatures for it. Our friends didn't like it at all. I prefer smoke free restaurants, but I signed. Why? I don't like the conflicts that are going on at the moment here in Germany. An example: One of our former chancellors is a heavy smoker. He and his wife go to the theatre regularly, there they have a table where they were smoking during the break. This is forbidden now in Germany. Non-smoker organizations wanted to sue him. This goes too far, I thought. Break all the rules. This man and his wife are almost 90 years old. But our friends had another opinion. Why should he be allowed to smoke they told us, only because he was old or a former chancellor. Friction, friction. I enjoyed the conversation. How can these things become that important?
For me it is more and more ridiculous to defend my opinion. My opinion? Opinions become less and less important for me. But let's face it. Egos, that express opinions can make a meeting interesting. Will we have something to say to each others when we are free of all these opinions that we carry around?
Yesterday we still had other topics. Men talked about weight, or more precise weight loss, there testosterone level and they exchanged addresses of doctors. We, the women complained about our jobs.
F. wants a Porsche. Is this really necessary, we wondered. I always have to mention that I get up at 5 in order to do Ashtanga yoga. We are all so important, aren't we?
Food was excellent as always. I was entertained very well the whole evening.
For me it was clear, I do yoga for the body. It gives me strength and flexibility. There might be a lot of other advantages, too. In the end it is relaxing, it calms the mind, the breath becomes deeper and and and.......
But for me it is obvious, the most important thing is to keep me healthy, strong, flexible, young.
It's not at all superficial. Only when I'm healthy I'm good at all the other tasks I'm given: my job, i.e. How difficult was it to perform well last week, because I had this dry cough and even fever.
I will have my body till I will die and I will take care of it and yoga is soooo good for it. I can see it. I love my body - it is slim, upright, relaxed. But this does not come from alone.
Practice today was slow. But also today the body showed less resistance as usual. I worked on back bending today.
Kapotasana was good like never. I did the recommended exercise, read at Vanessa's blog. I stood with straight legs and bent backwards, gravity took my body backwards and down. Then I did Kapotasana, pushing my body up from the floor.
Leg behind the head improved as well.
Only pincha mayurasana was not stable at all. The practice was so good, that I had the courage to do 3 urdhva dhanurasana. I want to drop back from standing position, it shall happen this year. (wishes are always there)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Why are the others capable to do all the stuff? Am I too slowly, do I lack expertise? That's what I'm asking myself. I don't know it. It will remain difficult.
I need a relaxed attitude and a plan B.
Dinner with E. and friends this evening. I'm looking forward to it. It will make me forget the tasks at the office.
I fought with marichyasana c and d. I wanted to hold the wrist in both asanas and on both sides. When I came out of mari c, I saw one of these beautiful blackbirds on my balcony. It was observing me. It turned its body like I did mine. But it looked so much easier when the bird did it. It looked at me as if it wanted to say: "That's nothing what you are doing, honey, look at me."
I enjoyed my practice. And now I'm having my breakfast and then I will go to work. I don't care if it is in the afternoon, when I will be at the office. I'm still ill. Reasonable would be to stay at home. But I don't know me as a reasonable person.
The book "The secret power within - Zen solutions to real problems" by Chuck Noris fell into my hand yesterday evening. He described how difficult it was in ancient Japan to be accepted in a monastery. When they let students in they often ignored them, let them sit in a corner. Students got tasks, they weren't able to do. No explanations were given.
This was supposed to be the preparation for life.
Exactly my situation. I have tasks that are almost not doable (at least not for me), I'd need more explanations and more time. Can it be that my job is a Zen exercise? Instead of living in a monastery I can also work in a huge company - the structure of the tasks are the same. Let's see how I will handle this. It's an exciting movie to observe, isn't it? The end is not yet predictable.
But seldom I was left alone in my life, perhaps in my childhood. I know of course times where I was desperate, but after a while I always got help in form of people that crossed my way, or books (behind every book is a human being as well), or in form of new thoughts that flew into my mind. This happened also yesterday. I was so exhausted, but just before I had to cry, before tears were rolling down my cheeks, a colleague came and she did the job for me. And in the evening the same thing happened again. Another colleague came and helped me. Perhaps my desperation is seen by everyone.
Sitting: I can stand silence. This was not always the case. I remember a time where I always needed distraction. Nevertheless I scratched a lot in the beginning, but then suddenly it became a beautiful time on my cushion. I sat and the breath had found an even rhythm that led me through the practice. If this happens 15 min are over much too quickly.
Friday, January 25, 2008
I filled the washing machine and I thought that it was too much.
I did the dishes and I thought it was too much.
I put things at the right place and I thought it was too much.
The office work is too much. I have to find a solution. I can barely stand all the stress.
In the evening I have enough and I never want to go to the office.
It's too much.
My voice disappeared totally.
Colleagues help me. One colleague told me to stay at home tomorrow on Saturday. He took work from me away as well. I'm so thankful for this help. To stay at home is easy said. The piles on my desk grow and grow. They do not go away on their own. And at home I have a mess.
I should make it comfortable at home. And then.........relaxation.
I started my sitting meditation with the thoughts: and today I will have to write the Email to the tax office and.......My job chases me whatever I'm doing. But I was fed up with thoughts about the job. I let go of this thought. And then I had a rather quite sitting session. And I need this quite time.
Yoga started with the thought: I hope I will be able to do all the asanas of the first series today. And I also shoo away this thought. I was fed up with thoughts that burden me with tasks that are not doable. I had not the time for all the asanas today, but what I did had focus and depth. Saturday is coming and then doing all the poses is not a pressure, but a joy, because I will have enough time.
And I cannot complain at all - I even lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana - 3 times. I used the bandhas. I could hold the wrist in marichyasana c and d. Forward bending was a pure joy.
I preach, but I do not listen to myself. To stay at home is my advice if someone is ill. But I go to work. It would have been so much better if I stayed at home. My voice is still gone. 2 out of 8 people of our group are ill and at home. Others are ill and at work like me. I think it shows how much stress we have at the moment.
To listen to the body is also so important re eating. I see that I need less and less food. Drinking becomes more important than eating. And quality of course. It is so less food that I need that I must take care that I eat only best food.
I slept well this night and this is a good start for the day. Let's see it like this. But breakfast first.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
My voice disappeared totally, even though I feel better.
Shower and straight to bed, this sounds to be a good solution for this evening. With closed eyes I cannot see the mess around me either.
It happened that I didn't sleep that well, I wished I slept well and the consequences happened, too. My influence was limited. Limited? Or is there no influence at all? To see that I do not have that much influence to leaning back and observing life, as if it is a movie (without fighting, without superficial efforts, without wishing things being different) is a long way. It can be so relaxing (to let go).
Indian restaurant yesterday with E.: We enjoyed the hot meal and the mango desert.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The practice was better than expected. I emphasized upward facing dog. I feel less and less resistance, doing this pose. I hold it for some breaths, I thought that it would be a good massage for the throat when the head falls backwards. Urdhva dhanurasana was great, too, today. I had not much expectations and I was surprised with a wonderful performance.
This night I slept a bit longer and my coughing this morning is a bit less painful. Of course to stay at home would be better for my health, but it is not the time to do so.
Sitting meditation was accompanied by coughing and scratching, but only a few times. 15 min are also a short time. It's amazing what thoughts came up. They seem so arbitrarily to me, without real meaning. Why do I take these thoughts so seriously sometimes, I wondered.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Work, a bit yoga, a bit reading and writing - this is my daily soup at the moment.
Aua, can this not stop. It is as if I'm coughing my lungs out of my body.
I planned a highlight already in the beginning of February. Jim Rogers will come to Munich. A dinner with 40 people is planned in a Munich restaurant. There will also be a lecture and a lot of conversations about money. Jim established a fund on commodities. I have bought some shares after I had read the 2 books by him. He is an adventurer. He travelled the world with his motor-bike in order to be able to make decisions where to invest. This dinner cost me 170,-- Euro. I like to spend money. Hot Commodities and Adventure Capitalist are written by Jim Rogers available at amazon of course.
What else? I just had had a minute without coughing.
I have no fewer, to gulp is a bit less painful, too. I cough every minute.
It's not the time to stay at home. But I plan to go home when the most important things are done. I don't feel well. To get well again needs some time, 7 till 10 days is my experience. I try to take it easy.
To sleep would be so good. Am I tired.
Monday, January 21, 2008
It is so nice to be public. Thank you so much for caring for me. All this wonderful comments I got today. I feel better at once when I get so much love and caring.
I just deleted everything I wrote about going private or not. I write a private journal and I know why. Topics and honesty are different. The intention is different, too.
Private journals are different than public ones. There is no competition between them.
If you like to do it in a group apart from the others - go ahead, enjoy it. :)
Perhaps I should join a group as an experiment. Just a thought, which I discarded at once. I have no time for more writing.
I will go to work. Today we do the payments and I don't want to have my colleague do my job in addition to his. Or is it, that I take myself so important? I plan to go home earlier as usual, I need bed time. It will be a huge effort to stand the day today.
I meditated and I was on my mat and did some asanas - more than I thought I would be able to do. I did the standing poses and some of the forward bending of the middle part of the first series. I hope so much that halasana will clear my throat. My throat hurts so much. I repeat myself, I know.
Where is the aspirin? Where is the echinacin?
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I cannot imagine that someone can insult me that way that I only want to have some exclusive readers. By the way, who can injure me????????
OK, a sensitive writer is injured. This can happen easily. Is it really a solution to gather only people, who sing halleluja. Yes, sometimes I miss boodibas blog, I will also miss donutszenmoms blog, but I don't want to be part of these selective readers. I start singing halleluja when I will be in heaven.
Everything has an end. Happy writing for those going private.
I prefer provacation, wildness, resistance, injuries, love, tenderness, comments that provoke feelings in me, life as it is and not an artificial atmosphere, with angles, who are no angles.
I do not publish each and every comment, but 99,9 % are more than welcome.
To be public is very attractive for me. There are surprises. The exhibitionist in me has spoken. Halleluja.
To gulp is a bit less painful, but that's all. OMG, I suffer, it's awful. Again, I will go to bed.
Advaita is non-dualism, I could read. Advaita is experienced when I think I am my boyfriend. Or should I be more precise, when I cannot see a a distinction between me and my boyfriend. But Advaita does not stop here. This experience also includes that I'm one with the tree in front of my balcony.
I'm not sure if this will ever happen, but when I think that I'm one with the tree in front of my balcony (oh, I took a picture of it lately, a very beautiful tree by the way), I won't tell it anybody.
Painful coughs, painful sneezing interrupted the practice. Nevertheless I had the feeling that it was good for me. Especially halasana, I thought will support the healing process as it helps to supply the blood through this area. I just took the bible by Iyengar: Light on yoga. Many of the back bending like ustrasana, urdhva dhanurasana are good for tonsillitis. That's what I have. Yoganidrasana is good, too and I did all the poses today. I must get well soon now.
I had another night with fewer. Several times I got up. I took again an aspirin. I feel a bit better than at night, but still ill. It will be a very relaxing day. I must be fit again tomorrow.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
In the morning I had cleaned the dishes, I had made the bed. When I arrived at home, I at least entered a decent home. I feel weak and ill. Bf is on the highway back home to Munich. He invited me for dinner. This is possible now, because the restaurants are smoke-free since the beginning of this year. People smoke outside now, no matter how cold it is. This is funny.
I will sleep a bit. So weak, so done, so ill, so exhausted.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Time: This was and still is one of the greatest challenges. I used to say that I didn't like to get up before 7 a.m. I realized that this would have meant to stop yoga, when I had to start working again. And now I get up at 5 a.m., every day. Yoga became so important, that I can do it. I miss TV evenings, evenings in bars, but I do not really miss it. It's not easy to find time for oneself, this is why I would call it a challenge.
I sit here with a rose pyjama, my white jacket and a scarf around my neck. Illness is one of the difficulties on the way. I'm rather happy, I'm rather healthy. Sometimes I'm a bit overstretched due to wrong ambition, or perhaps because sometimes it is part of the exercise. Sometimes I have caught a cold, nevertheless a practice is possible, a moderate one. Even ill it is possible to do some asanas. No excuses, please.
Thoughts: Thoughts are a big obstacle. To discuss each and every day if I shall practice or not would mean that I wouldn't practice at all. I stopped discussing my practice - I do it.
There are more obstacles, but I'm done and I have to get up in the morning for yoga practice, this I do not discuss. :)
I won't be alone at the office tomorrow morning. The boss and probably 3 other colleagues will show up.
This morning I asked my bf if he is willing to pay for me when I stop working. He is not. But my question came out of desperation, it was not a real question. I know that E. will support me, when I need it. I also don't want him to work and I get stupid on the sofa in the meantime.
I want to make my own money, because I want to be independant.
I feel that I'm ill, but I must be healthy now. I need all energy I have.
This morning I have had a better idea what I wanted to write about than complaining. But it is not really complaining as I do not know what I shall think and feel about the current situation. On the one hand it is a positive challenge, on the other hand it is tooooooo much.
Shower or bath? This is the question now. I think I will save the bath for tomorrow.
I didn't feel my lotus pose in meditation practice today. That's wonderful, because then I really can concentrate on the mental task. The right seat is important, I think. To hang on the sofa isn't the right meditation position. The 15 min were over rather quick today.
I practiced, respecting my body. I'm ill, I faced it. But I can go to work, too. A moderate practice can be good, I thought. The practice turned out to be a wonderful one.
Forward bends. That's what I needed today. To bend forward as a sign that there is also thankfulness felt for everything I get.
The body was transparent, no resistance was felt, so I could go rather deep into the poses. Upward facing dog became a focus. Perhaps this is the reason why urdhva dhanurasana was so good today. I lifted my body up three times and it was not as painful as usual. Here, too no mental resistance was felt. I just did it.
This wonderful practice today made me forget that I have to go to work. I managed it to establish a self-practice, perhaps one day I will have the courage and confidence to work more on my own business than to seek shelter in corporate companies. My job is difficult. After 7 hours of sleep I think that I won't go on my own, I will make it difficult for them. Difficult is relative, because I only have a contract for one year. They can decide very easily if they want to work with me for further years or not. Till then I will do what I can do, even if it is not that much. It's difficult to see that it doesn't matter what I'm doing, that each situation is only consciousness, energy, movement.
I would like to stay at home, even if this would mean that I have to clean my home today.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I still like the work, but often I'm also helpless. I don't know what to do and it takes some time till I understand. Everything is still new to me.
The atmosphere is not always friendly. Not at all.
OK, the day is over. On the long run I have to find something else. Again something else.
I'm astonished how less I'm touched. What I see is that I give all my energy. I'm depleted at the end of the day. Very depleted. This cannot be all, I think.
To sell perls seems so nice for me now.
I must become more open so that I can hear what the Source wants me to do.
My bf is right: I'm over the top. Nobody understands me, but this was always so.
Kapotasana is so difficult, I think. I start from lying on the floor, but I can scarcely lift me up.
Leg was behind the head, but it was not at all comfortable. But I lost the respect for this pose. It will come with patient.
Savasana was good. I lied there and was so glad that I managed it to practice. It was not difficult to start today. The morning is the part of the day, where I'm still fresh and powerful. In the evening I'm done. It is such a wise decision to dedicate the first hours of the day to me.
To live with awareness, doing everything with awareness, so I will live again today. I got a reminder via email from the Osho community this morning. To walk to the underground with awareness, to eat with awareness, to talk to others with awareness........
Awareness is like light. Awareness takes me from sleeping to waking up. When I'm aware of what I'm doing, I also experience that I live. It is THE exercise during the day.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Sometimes I only forget that it is all a huge joke.
I like the idea that everything is a joke, a play of the Source to get entertained.
Sometimes I go for lunch with my colleague. We go to the canteen of the pension insurance. The salad is good there. We are both so enthusiastic about the food there, that one could think we are at a 5 star restaurant. The huge salad today and the fruit salad as a dessert and the orange juice was 3 Euro something. That's nothing. We talk about the job and today a new topic was added: shares.
Now I sit here, already showered and fed with best food. The day is over. I want to have more time (and I will have to work on Saturday again).
Till the end of April this will all go on like this I guess: yoga, meditation, job, blogging, bed. The job and sleeping are the most time-consuming activities. Some might add, sleeping is the most time-consuming "activity", as we are all always sleeping.
So sleeping me goes to bed to sleep now. Good night.
I feel a cold inside. My throat is sore. I even caugh. I blame the job for it. It's too much and I'm weakened.
The intention was to practice slowly and without ambition. And what happened? The body liked it to be moved and it was rather flexible. To let go is so good.
I took care of the basic asanas. Upward facing dog i.e. can be done sloppy or with tension from head to toes. The head is the last, that goes back. Very important.
How I love this practice.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Take my boyfriend and me:
I happened to ask him: Darling what are you thinking about? He: nothing.
After some time I gave up to ask him as I got always the same answer.
The other way round it is totally different. It's not even necessary to ask me: It's enough to look at me a bit longer than usual. I tell at once tragedies of my past or even comedies, office gossip, plans for the future.
OMG, perhaps my boyfriend IS enlightened and he makes a secret out of it.
Ah,drishti, this I neglected so far. I even had the wrong dristhi sometimes. In upward facing dog i.e. drishti is the nose and not somewhere up in the sky. To take the nose as the drishti has a huge advantage, the front remains evenly without wrinkles. When I look up I tend to make wrinkles on my front. Dristhis could be a focus in my next practice.
I'm on my mat at 5:45. I gather myself. Surya namaskaras first. At 6 I start with the standing poses for 15 min. Then I have 20 min for the middle part and now 10 min for the closing sequence. I made the closing sequence 5 min shorter. One hour is not enough time for all the poses. To omit asanas, to practice faster are the methods to go with this tight schedule. I won't get up earlier. 5 to 5 is enough. I must be happy with Saturdays and Sundays. Here I have as much time as I need and want.
Meditation: I do not scratch anymore, but the thoughts, the thoughts. Too often I get lost in this jungle of dreams.
Another demanding day awaits me. Somehow I must manage it to work longer, so that it won't be necessary to work on Saturdays.
Monday, January 14, 2008
I'm waiting for the last book by Jed McKenna. In the meantime I will read "The secret power within - Zen solutions to real problems" by Chuck Norris. The "old masters" have to wait. Perhaps I miss something. They are perhaps something for Sundays.
It was a day where I was challenged not to take anything personal and I was rather good at it. Life is a cosmic joke, I think. My job is a possibility to experience life. Busy working animals we are.
It was easy to make a decision - yoga or TV (celebrity and out of here). Of course yoga won, I will go early to bed so that I can have a good practice tomorrow morning. Back bending. To do yoga is a life style.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I pour the olive oil and the vinegar with tarragon, the Dijon mustard and pepper in the bowl. I mix it like a fool. Then I add the mushrooms and mix it like a fool, then I add the cut yellow pepper and mix it like a fool, then I take the washed and drained green salad, add it and mix like a fool, then I add the APPLE and mix it like a fool. Salad was delicious.
Afterwards we had black chocolate with a slight taste of anise with a glass of red wine.
Delicious, vegan, of course, what else?
Yesterday I read that a yoga studio here will offer yoga for advanced people. 2 times a months they will offer such a class, urdhva dhanurasana and handstand against the wall are supposed to be possible for the students. I did urdhva dhanurasana and handstand today. Of course. I like to meet people who are doing yoga for some time and not only these curious beginners with their enthusiasm which is nothing else, but soap bubble.
Yesterday in the evening I found a very good adjustment for the sitting forward bends. When doing the sitting poses the feet are supposed to be parallel to the wall. Often they slip away because the pose gets easier then. I pressed my feet against a wall yesterday so that they had the perfect position and then I bowed forward. I could concentrate on keeping the back straight and on my hips. I did almost all the forward bending of the middle part of the first series. Hands held the calves, bandhas got very important. The poses became very stable and I got a feeling how it is supposed to be.
I deserve a good breakfast now. I have everything at home my palate could crave for. All sort of fruits, fresh bread, jam, coffee, tea, everything.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
At home now I see a mess. Washing machine is already turned on. But I will have to do the dishes and and and. I know that it is a mercy to be able to be so active. Friends of my parents are often no more possible to do anything due to their age and illnesses. When I hear stories like this, I'm very glad that I am able to do everything.
Sometimes I feel alone and I like it. Sometimes I feel alone and I don't like it. At the moment I think I should clean - alone.
Seeker No 1 is searching pleasures and he/she tries to avoid pain. 99% of the human animals do this. Happiness is searched in the outer world: cars, good food, clothes, professional success, beauty and so on. But the never ending ecstasy doesn't exist. And would it be really nice to feel ecstasy and only ecstasy all the time? Seeker No 1 has to search the entire life, except he/she becomes seeker No 2.
Seeker No 2 was seeker No 1 firstly. He/she found out that there will always be misery (death of beloved ones i.e.). So it doesn't make sense to look for good moments only. Seeker no 2 tries to love the variety of feelings and events. They give an opportunity to get to know oneself. Happiness is no more searched in the outer world (after the fourth car and each was bigger than the last). But is neverending happines still the goal?
"Sadness has its own beauty", Osho said once. Life shall be lived in the present moment. Everything shall be experienced. To get to know oneself is the goal. To find is so difficult because everything is already there it must only be seen. Knowing oneself neurotic feelings (shame, guilt) will disappear, other feelings will even experienced more intensive, the good ones as the bad ones. The attitude is different. The attitude is an open one to all situations, feelings, whatsoever. Finally it is seen and felt that everything is good as it is and the search has found an end. Seeker No 2 observes what is, he/she accepts what is and finally deep love is found for each and everything. That's the end of searching.
That's a short summery of what I have understood so far. I just wanted to arrange my thoughts, before I will go to work. Buh. Is it easier to exploit me, because I became seeker No 2 and I try to accept all situations?
I had a conversation about yoga with my colleague. He mentioned that one can do a lot of things wrong when doing yoga. Is that true I wondered. OK sometimes I'm overstretched, because I wasn't attentive enough. But this is nothing in comparison to the accidents that happens in other sports like skiing.
Yoga can be not as effective as it can be if someone does not know the rules. An example: even in difficult poses the breath shall be even and deep. It's a natural reaction to hold the breath when the body feels stress. Doing yoga I learned to breathe despite the stress. This technique can be used in other situations, too. In case the breath is held, no harm is done, but also no positive effect (relaxation) can be felt.
But is yoga really dangerous? I don't think so.
Sitting meditation was nice, too. Is this dangerous, too?
Friday, January 11, 2008
For so long I haven't switched on this TV-machine. But now the third time they show "I am a celebrity, get me out of here". 15 stars or wannabe stars are in the Australian jungle and they have to perform disgusting things. But the most difficult and funny thing is that egos meet. At a small place different personalities have to live together under difficult conditions (i.e. not enough food). Egos, who take themselves so seriously and they do not even notice how seriously they take themselves. All my colleagues laughed when I informed them that this programme will start this evening again. They laughed and let me know that this is below their level. But it is my level. People are always my level.
Darling, open your legs, it's time to watch TV. That's what I will tell him this evening. Then I will lean against his paunch between his legs and I will enjoy the egos of my other fighters.
And when it gets as difficult as today at work I will shout from now on: I am a celebrity, get me out of here.
I want to hold the poses for some time, breath is deep. Why to hurry then? I want to relax while being in the poses and this needs time.
I have to make decisions which asanas I want to do and which I will omit due to lack of time. At least the core asanas should be performed, I thought:
marichyasanas d, supta kurmasana, garbha pindasana and baddha konasana.
Marichyasana d: The pose is rather volatile. Sometimes I can hold my wrist, sometimes only my fingers can hook. The more pounds I have gained, the worse the pose. This is a law. This pose reminds me more than all the other poses to go for a healthy lifestyle and to loose some weight.
Supta kurmasana: I progressed. In the meantime I can hook my fingers on my back, but my feet are still not behind the head. There is still a long way to go. It's the pose to learn being patient.
Garbha pindasana: Sometimes I can even put my middle fingers on my ears. Nevertheless I don't like this pose. This pose reminds me that I have poses that I like and others I don't like. If I could only smile while doing this pose............ :-)
Baddha konasana: A piece of cake for me. It's true, I like this pose and I can easily open my legs till the knees are on the floor. Ha.
Practice was intensive today. I was concentrated and I loved it to be in the poses. To feel how flexible my body is, is wonderful.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Oh, the shower was so relaxing. I should still read a bit or just sit. To go early to bed wouldn't be so bad either. 20 min I have, then it is most reasonable to go to bed. I think of my morning practice.
I know that my life won't remain as it is now. It's tough at the moment, but interesting, too. More and more I see how little influence I have. Perhaps I have no influence at all. To practice curiosity is liberating. Not to feel responsible for each and everything is a relief. This in mind I will go to bed.
The only goal in life is life itself, I read somewhere. Good night.
Another difficult working day is over. Without my commitment to work on Saturdays I would drown in papers. On my way home I bought chips, chocolate, Chianti. I thought I need it and at the same time I know how stupid this is. Of course I don't need chocolate and wine. Healthy food would be so much better.
Boyfriend plays soccer this evening and I'm glad to be alone. I switched on the radio and I dance with the music in my room. I'm glad to have time for me now. Just for me, just for me.
In Germany each quarterly we have to pay 10 Euro to the health insurance, when we go to a doctor in addition to our monthly payment, which is in my case over 520 Euro each month, when I add what I pay and what the employer pays (I pay half of it). In the beginning of the last year I was at the gynecologist. I go rarely to the doctor. I had forgotten the 10 Euro, but I paid it via bank transfer. I even paid the 0,55 Euro that the doctor wanted because of the reminder. I paid 6 weeks later. Yesterday I got a mail by an collection agency that I have to pay 25 Euro now because I had forgotten to pay. This issue creates so much additional work and I have already paid. The doctor probably didn't transfer the money. It's a bagatelle, I see it. The more I'm astonished how intensive my feelings are and I'm so attached. I really have to cool down when I make the phone calls. I loose time, I loose even money and I need another gynecologist. She is organized so badly that I don't want to go to her anymore.
I could transform this energy, at least I was able to use it for my practice. I was focused. I wanted to flee and I flew into the present moment. I couldn't take the leg behind the head today, I don't care. Flow was experienced and I saw how much energy I can have and I need energy.
Today another working day with more than 10 hours. Work on Saturday, too. I must remember my breath. It will help me. And I must remember that all this is nothing else but a huge cosmic joke.
Reading my post, I just thought that the above mentioned issue is just an excuse for my feelings, I found a ventile for all the other issues that I do not express. Or it is my monthly bad mood because of my period. To write is interesting. It has its own dynamic and sometimes I'm astonished of the result.
OK, the gynecolist is not organised well, but she wants the money. A mistake happened, it's not a crime. I will clear it as soon as possible. And then I will get back to daily life.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
I sit here like a mountain of misery. I think that this is the moment where I can embrace life as it is and not when I'm sitting proudly in lotus pose for 15 min. Every moment is of the same quality. But this thought doesn't help.
I think of Satyam Nadeen and the story where he was in prison looking for a quiete place for meditation - around him were all these people listening to rap-music as loud as possible. Life is a cosmic joke, he wrote. This cheers me up. Yes, life is a joke, this makes me smile.
The day had also nice moments. My colleagues were so thankful for the cakes that I had bought this afternoon for the group.
And now I'm listening to Joe Cocker. I turned on the radio. I like his music. Oh, the rhythm.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
I wanted to write about the bad book by Watts. But I will loose my time with this review. So I will go under the shower first. That is refreshing.
Sitting meditation was already better. 15 min is the perfect time for me. I can almost easily sit in lotus pose all the time, no matter which leg I take first to bind.
Ashtanga practice was slow, but back bending was the topic today and I did some of the poses of the second series. With progressing time I arrived more and more in the present. I guess it was an average practice, but this didn't count today. I was rather happy. There is so much pressure in my life at the moment due to too much work, so that I didn't like to add even more when doing something that I like. It doesn't matter if I progress fast, but I did something for my dear body.
I'm looking forward to my breakfast now. Not one minute before 8 o'clock I will leave my home. The time from 5 to 8 is my holy time. It's only for me.
Monday, January 07, 2008
My book "Naked to the truth"does not hold what it promised at first sight. I'm very sensitive towards rules. I don't need new ones. I know too many already. It's clear, when I want to do annual accounts i.e. I need rules. There is a clear goal and a clear way that it plastered with helpful rules. But when it comes down to life, no rules are needed anymore, not for me, even not the rule - be open. How shall someone be open, who does not know how this looks like, when he/she is reading such an advice. No rule can ever be so good like the humble advice observe, what is and accept.
I start reading the book by Alan Watts "On the taboo against knowing who you are" - a classic.
It was better than nothing and I would even call it a practice what happened this morning on the mat. But ääääääh, it was not my most intensive practice. :)
My sitting session was a scratching session. When I didn't scratch I was attached to the job. But I remained in lotus pose for 15 min and I didn't look at my watch, not even once. :)
Till the last book by Jed McKenna will arrive, I will read the book "Naked to the truth" by David Deida. Another topic that occupies me is "reluctance". There are so many things I want to do, but even though I wish to do them I feel that I am somehow reluctant. This even happens with my yoga practice and I wonder why this is so. When the above mentioned book arrived I opened it and the first sentence I read was: Embrace your reluctance. A decision was made quickly. This is the book I will read now.
Time to eat, time to wake up my bf (with some kisses), time to dress, time to leave the house, time to fulfill my fate.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
OK. A story: When E. and I are in a restaurant and when we order half a bottle of wine, what happens? Firstly the waiter fills our glasses with a bit of wine. OK. Fine. Then we drink and soon our glasses are empty. And what happens next? My boyfriend takes the bottle and he fills his glass with wine first. Then he fills mine and often not much is left. This drove (past) me crazy. Can he not give me wine first? I thought. But then I reflected my wish. No, I thought, that's not what I want. Firstly he shall ask me if I'd like to have some more wine. (I do not really know what I want, but this does not hold me back to have expectations, that others shall fulfill.) Often I do not like to drink so much wine and when the glass of wine is full I'm likely to drink more than I want. The absurdity of expectations are clear. They only create unease. I smile now when I see that he fills his glass of wine first. He is so thirsty, I think and I enjoy to see his needs. And I see that it gives me a little more piece of freedom and a bit more of happiness when I do not have expectations. To be curious is such a better attitude towards life than to know how life and the behaviour of others has to be.
Down with all expectations. Life shall surprise me. It's neither possible nor desirable, that people act according to my expectations. It's boring, if this would happen.
And again I discover that everything is best as it is.
This evening he drank a juice and I had a glass of wine. We had a nice evening in one of the Italian restaurants round the corner.
Life is a cosmic joke, that's what I read in Nadeen's book "From onions to pearls", an excellent book. He mentioned his Email address on the last page and I even consider to write him an Email. His book is another piece of the puzzle on my way to wake up. Thank you.
I wanted to write on reluctance, opinions, expectations, the fourth dimension. But I have to make the bed first. I want a tea and and and. My blogger life has to wait.
Yoga was intensive, too. There is this never-ending mantra in my mind: Will I ever progress? Will I ever progress? But I didn't give it too much attention. I did my practice, point. And there is also this little voice, that tells me: be patient, it will come.
Second series today: Back bending. I enjoyed it, focus was experienced. Oh, I just got a phone call from a yogini. What a joy. She is very diligent, too and we will meet soon. I like to talk about yoga.
Secretly I will go to work today. I have still tooooooo much work on my desk and I want to start the next week relaxed. I hope that nobody will see my. This are signs of addiction. It's a joke. Sometimes there is more work, sometimes less. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, so I can also work. I want to deliver good work. The "Source" told me to go and I go. Unfortunately it is already a bit late. I planned to go to a yoga class at 3. I'm not sure if this will be possible. I got up too late today.
Breakfast and then I will see what will be possible. I must hurry.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
We went to the Greece restaurant when I arrived at home at about 6 o'clock. What is really new here in Germany: it is forbidden to smoke in restaurants since the beginning of the new year. A month ago we sat in a smoky room, where it was barely possible to breathe and now the air is clean. Ha, and suddenly my boyfriend said: there is smoke somewhere. Yes, the waiter smoked. Haha.
Life is OK as it is, that's what I think all the time and it makes me smile. No effort is needed indeed, because everything is OK.
Moments of clarity can happen all the time even when misery is felt. I do not feel misery, but I can accept what is - now - in this moment. I even do not fear the future. So courageous I am in this special moment.
Meditation and Ashtanga yoga was excellent this morning. I had focus and I did one asana after the other without preferences. It was wonderful and I feel soooooo good. And then savasana, so nice. Yes I'm prepared for the day now, whatever it make bring.
I will take my time for a good breakfast (a piece of bread with the self-made jam of my mother with black coffee) and I will even have time to read a bit and then........I will go.
Friday, January 04, 2008
No Friday feeling today. Bf wanted to be at home with food. He has some days off. But he went to the office in order to do travel expenses. I came home, no food, no boyfriend at home. No information either. I ate a banana and a piece of cake. Bf is on his way home now, I called him, I suspected him at the office. No, it's not a Friday feeling, that I experience today.
First series today: I did all the asanas. Fast. Time is limited. Reluctance was only felt before janu sirsasana b, gharbha pandasana and dhanurasana. I cursed silently, but I did them all. I want to have more time to practice, I want to progress (fast), hahaha.
Commuting time became my reading time:
Love is to accept what is, I read yesterday and the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. Fear means to be reluctant towards what is. (The source:"From onions to pearls" by Satyam Nadeen)
Consciously I will navigate me through the day. It's Friday, but not the end of my working week. Tomorrow we will work again, but I won't start at 9 o'clock. I plan to be there at 10 o'clock. When I get up at 5:00, I will have enough time for an intensive practice. OMG.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
3 people will come in on Saturday, too. Me, too. Otherwise I won't be able to do everything. How diligent we are.
Of course I wish I had more time to read in my spiritual books. But somehow I think it doesn't matter what I do and that I shall enjoy the moment. This I try.
Bed is waiting already. The day is over for me.
At first my morning pages and there was so much to write. The question at the moment: How much influence do I have on my own life?
Then I sat 15 min in lotus pose. The impulse came up to look at the watch, to open the legs, but I was strict with me. 15 now only, I thought, this you can stand and I could. Thoughts and even feelings came up and disappeared as if nothing happened. Fact is nothing happened in reality. My thoughts and feelings wanted to bring excitement into my life, but I stayed relaxed and observed them. After the 15 min I bowed forward 3 times. It was over. Wonderful.
Now the time was even more limited for yoga, but relaxed I started and used the remaining time for some poses. There was even time for some back bending. Important for me was that I did savasana. To stay relaxed is so important for me now. There must be the time to relax again and again, also during work.
I'm very optimistic at the moment, that I will be able to do the job. If not I will be able to accept it. (Now)
Consciously I will see what will happen today. Everything is OK. I live. What else do I want? Oh, how modest I am today. :)
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
This morning I thought I get crazy. I saw flicker all the time. I couldn't even read my post. I was so shocked, that I didn't want to write about it. If it hadn't bettered I wouldn't have been able to work. Imagine. I need that work and the work needs me. But at the office I could read again. What a relief.
I worked sooooo much today- from 8:30 to 7:30, almost no breaks, but I drank water and no coffee. There is still too much on my desk. I feel good now. I did what was possible, focus was experienced. I thought, "Source" let me work and I worked. Now I need chocolate.
Five o'clock seemed to be rather early this morning. I got up and started my routine.
I see the necessity of fine tuning my morning routine: Emails must be read after the yoga practice. I will limit meditation to 15 min. I can sit 15 min in lotus pose, afterwards I struggle with pinholes and cold feet. I doubt that this is the intention of the practice. It might be that retention of the senses can be exercised when pinholes and cold feet happen. But at the moment I try something else. During sitting I try to be aware of what happens, I try to let go of the coming thoughts and I try to enjoy the quite time with myself. 15 min shall be enough for now. This can be changed anytime. This won 5 min help me to be more relaxed, because I can start yoga on time.
I practiced the first series rather fast. I wanted to do as much poses as possible. It was somehow a desperate practice. I was like someone who was drowning and this last practice should save her. Not every pose looked nice today. So what. I was on my mat.
And now some thoughts on my job. I feel as if I have already lost the battle, but I'm still fighting. I read yesterday (From onions to pearls by Satyam Nadeen), that it is good to let go and that we are only a marionette, means we cannot do anything to avoid our fate. However. Perhaps the "Source" wants me still to fight a bit. I need a fight plan and here it is.
No coffee, but water during the day. I will go to bed half an hour earlier, I need more sleep to recover. I will write in my calender what I do during the day. Each half hour I will see if anything is done. I will take care of breaks. I will work longer. I guess I won't be able to leave the company before 7. I've heard that my colleagues even come during the weekend. To stay till 8 is normal. I will stay till 7. And the attitude is important: I want to stay relaxed.
Let's see if I can avoid the inevitable.
Time to have breakfast.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
We were in the small park for a walk. The park is a few steps away from my home. Soon our ears were so cold that we were looking for a cafe. Everything is closed today. Even the bakeries are closed. It's a quite and cold day here. We walked home again.
It's tea time now. I have still a few cookies from my mother.
20 min meditation
Ashtanga yoga - second series today
I enjoyed my morning ritual. In fact it is finished when I had the shower, after blogging and breakfast.
I digress. So was my practice. I was distracted, needed breaks, but I don't want to judge it. I spent more than 1 hour on my mat, practicing.
This year I want to do all the poses of second series. I was looking for a doable approach today:
Dwi pada sirsasana: I can do nothing else, but imagine how I do this pose.
Karandavasana: I did an "ordinary" sirsasana today. Then I folded my legs into lotus pose. I was very astonished that this was possible. Sirsasana became even rather stable. Then it was possible to unfold the legs without falling out of sirsasana. A surprise. Before I can do the "correct" karandavasana I have to be able to be in pincha mayurasana.
Mayurasana: I really want to omit this pose forever. What can I say, I hate this pose.
Nakrasana: My arms are still too weak. I need more strength.
Till the end of January this shall be enough to feed my ambition. 4 additional challenges is more than enough. :)