Wednesday, October 15, 2008

How I woke up this morning

The phone rang. I was still in bed. I got up, picked up the reciever. "I am pissed off," my mother was shouting, I had scarcly said my name. The reason: I have forgotten to take a picture of them both together(father and mother) at the party. They are on the pictures but only with others. My father told me to take a picture of each guest, so that they can send it afterwards. It is not that easy not to forget one person out of 31. I was so busy following this wish that I really have forgotten to take more pictures of them. They counted the pictures: "E. and his mother are on 12 pictures and we have not one picture of us." And so on, and so on. 40 min. Now it is clear, this was the last invitation to a party. When they do not have pictures afterwards, they won't make a party anymore.

I reflect on taking pictures. It is a difficult job to take pictures of people. Me including, we all think of us as most beautiful beings. Pictures often show something else. They show our ugliness. My bf use to say: Wait 10 years and then you will like this photo. It is difficult to meet the expectations of others who often do not know them precisly. But afterwards they know that the expectations are not fulfilled.

Right now the heater gets repaired. I had my first cup of coffee.
Advice of my bf: Go out for breakfast, read in a book that you like and don't think about it.

I think I wrote already too much today.
Thoughts, thoughts, nothing but ever-changing thoughts.
I am not responsible for the fellings of anybody in this world.


Anna said...

No, you're not responsible for other's reactions when you've done your best - and with love. The older I get (early 50s) the less patience I have with these so-called catastrophes. The important thing for your mother should be that the party was held, with the family and friends and that she has love in her life - what do photos matter? Why do people need documentary PROOF of their relationship?
My partner gave me a new perspective (and a liberating one) when I was obsessed with capturing every experience on camera. He said, Why not leave the camera at home and really SEE the scene without the camera standing between me and my view.
Perhaps your mother has some other worries and the photographs issue is how she is expressing those worries -- which is something we all do from time to time. Golden Rule - Don't take it personally!

Ursula said...

Hi Anna, thank you for your uplifting words. Not to take it personally is truly the only thing I should do.

The party was over and my parents started complaining the same evening. In the cafe they didn't get the seats they had reserved. A bus arrived before we arrived and they occupied our seats. The guests of my parents had to sit at tables whitout white table clothes. Yes, this was not perfect. My parents were at that cafe 3 times in advance and then this. The owner apologized with a bottle of champagne and self-made cakes. Nevertheless, this was the topic at the end of the evening at home, till my parents went to bed. How awful, we didn't get the best seat.

I took the pictures perhaps to make the birthday perfect. Perhaps I wanted to make them an additional joy. I should know better. This is not possible. For my father it was another opportunity to tell me: Do admit that you are not able to take good pictures. I admit it, I am a very bad photografer. I hope this pleases him. Sorry, but I am sarcastic. My mother regretted that she didn't hire a professional photografer.

I tried to draw the attention to the fact that the guests enjoyed the day. But the table clothes were not white, there were no table clothes at all. People who want perfection are never happy with what is. There is no such thing like perfection.

Yes my day was spoiled. No I do not blame anybody but myself. Do I feel guilty. Yes. I think: why have I not taken enough pictures of them. But I had in my mind to take pictures of the guests. The briefing was bad. No excuses. I could have done better, but I didn't.

These parties are stress. I never behaved proberly. It is over now.

I learn a lot from these situations.
Time for all of us is limited. This in mind we can think how we want to spend our time.

I could go on and on, but it makes no sense. It is already past.

I have Mysore class this evening. Focus is the breath, dristi, bandhas in other words, focus is the present moment.

Anna said...

If we can cut through the crap - and get to the simple core; that's the trick. It's not about perfection (because that's not your problem; maybe the core lesson is (I read this somewhere and wrote it down) that if you act with integrity and are true to yourself then you are not responsible for how others react. A positive slant on this episode maybe is: "Her reaction is giving me the opportunity to learn and grow."
Go well, and good luck on the mat!

Ursula said...

Wise words. Thank you.

All the best for you, too.