Thursday, March 20, 2008

To keep going is important

The body was not really flexible, the mind was not really willing to practice, but somehow I managed it to be on my mat and to do the usually beloved asanas. I came till ushtrasana today, I lifted myself up into urdhva dhanurasana, quick closing sequence and this was it. It's better than nothing. And I feel good now. Psychologically it is very important to practice daily (at least for me).

I remember the guy, who was at the Mysore class yesterday. I met him in front of the door of B.s house. We talked a bit. He wanted to know, if it's possible to do second series here also. It came out that he has practiced Ashtanga for one year only. He told me that he has done second series once. Oh, oh, oh, I thought, very ambitious. He practiced next to me. B. told me in one of the last classes that I was breathing like a train. It means exhaling is longer than inhaling. When I'm a train, this guy was a fast train. His face was tightened and deep red. His mouth was open when he exhaled. I could feel his breath on my skin. He tortured himself. B. told him to keep the mouth closed and to do uddjay breathing. He started justifying his awful breathing. He is probably a nice guy. Too ambitious. It prevents him from listening and learning. What I saw was not a light and joyful practice, but a heavy one. I don't want to talk badly about this guy. He teaches me something as well. Ambition is per se not really bad. Ambition has different faces and can lead to different actions. To combine ambition with humor is perhaps a good thing. I'm sure that being aware helps to turn ambition in a feeling that supports learning. Too much ambition can often create the opposite. And B. told him that it would be better for him to stop after mari d, because he was not at all able to do it. This must have been awful for his self-image, his ego.

Back to my ego. We have a meeting today at work. I hope very much that I don't have to tell in public what is not done. Too embarrassing. I'd rather stay at home today. It's hard. Yes, I'm also curious what will happen next, but feelings of desperation are there, too. Sometimes I want to give up, sometimes I want to fight. The less resistance I show the better, I know this.
My current job is not really a smoothie.


Stellata said...

Sending you positive work energy, you have an amazing spirit and I hope your work stress will pass...

Ursula said...

Thank you sellata.

Best for you, too.