Friday, March 21, 2008

I feel ridiculous..

...but this shall not prevent me to examine my limitations. And I have them. I feel it, I'm not really free.

First what are the limitations, the dreamstatus? It's being in the past, being in the future, filter the world through opinions, learned thinking habits, known and unknown fears and so on.

Someone wrote me it should be possible just to go beyond the thoughts. It sounds so good, but it is so easy to lie to oneself. I'm convinced of writing.

It's so much more important to get rid of all the stuff that I have gathered through the years than to gather more concepts and ideas. Jed McKenna -Spiritual warfare pg 193: "A chameleon-like adaptability is one of Maya's (the ego, note of myself) most effective maneuvers. Paint some trees on the walls of your cell and some clouds on the ceiling and you're free as a bird."

To get rid of the prison is the goal and not to make the prison cosy.

I will examine my thoughts and opinions in a blog, a private one, in order to get rid of it, because they have nothing to do with the truth, with what really is. I'm fed up of dreaming, I'm fed up of living with an activated brake. I'm fed up living through the adopted concepts of others which I do not even know consciously. I feel ridiculous, so old I start with such an examination, with an attempt to free myself. I thought I have done this already in my 20s. But I feel it, there is still some work to do.

I feel less ridiculous when I think of the conversations with colleagues 10 years older than me. What I hear is complaints and complaints. Their life is a whole complaint.

I start a blog today, a private one in order to get rid of all the superficial stuff that I've gathered through the years. All the opinions and life strategies that I've learned through the years might have helped me to survive, but now they don't serve me anymore. So kiss and good-bye.

It's a coincidence that I bought 2 journals the other day. It seemed to me like a calling to finally start this project. It's faster to type than to write with a pen so I choose to blog.

Why all this:
It's not nice to be out with someone who is absent (in the past or in the future). I don't want to be like this, I want to be in the present.
There is so much misunderstanding when people are in the dream status. On the last working day a colleague gave me some papers to file. I said: "Oh, something to file. " I was glad, it was in the evening and I could only do simple tasks. She felt attacked because she gave me something so late. Misunderstanding, misunderstanding. This colleague always feels attacked, it's her concept, her limitation. I want to get rid of mine.

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