Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Everything is prepared for the dinner. So I sat down on my Indian blanket and meditated. The house where I live is deserted. Outside nothing happened, too. So I sat on my blanket and I experienced silence. Thoughts came up and passed by. After 10 min my meditation clock told me that it is over. I bowed forward. And also these moments are over already.
Music from the radio tells me that there is no time for sadness today. They play very rhytmic songs today. It's time to celebrate the last year. I love this day of the year. Still 5 hours and then 2008 is over. Oh, it's sooooooo exciting. :)
Marichyasana c and d: I wanted to catch the wrist today. I wouldn't have given up and I catched the wrist, despite the 2 extra pounds on my sweet belly.
Supta kurmasana: Put my legs behind my head, one after the other. It becomes easier as well. I must hold the leg, that's perhaps the next step to keep the leg behind the head without holding it.
Urdhva dhanurasana: like yesterday.
The focus of the primary series (beside the breath of course) and challenge for the next year still is: supta kurmasana, jumping through and back, tittibasana and urdhva dhanurasana.
This was my last practice this year and it was wonderful.
There is another gift that I make me this year: I will sit in silence for 10 minutes, just to enjoy to be on this earth, to enjoy simplicity.
That I burn some incense now, that I have put on my favourite jewellery, my toe rings from India does not contradict the last sentence.
As bf will arrive at 9 p.m. this evening, which is rather late, I fear that this won't be my last post today. I know him, he wanted to sleep long. Important is that he does not drive too fast. OMG how he likes to drive fast. We'll have time for my late Indian dinner from 9 through 11. At 11 p.m. we'll go round the corner to see some friends and to drink Champagne together and eat some "Krapfen" (a German cake). Food and beverages again, I know, I know.
But we will also look to the stars and the stars are for free for everybody.
Soon the guru went on with his trip. The ship was already on the sea, when he heard loud voices coming from the shore. He turned around and saw how the monks were walking on the water towards the ship: They shouted: "Guru, wait! We've forgotten the mantra!".
Freely translated by me: Out of the book: Da lacht der Erleuchtete by Eli Jaxon-Bear and Sabrina Lorenz.
"Oh guru", he said with his last strength, "tell me, what is the meaning of life?"
"Life is like an onion", answered the guru.
"Life is like an onion??????????" called out the man.
"Never mind", the guru waved aside," then it is not like an onion."
(Out of the book: Da lacht der Erleuchtete by Eli Jaxon-Bear and Sabrina Lorenz. I hope the joke is not lost through my translation)
Isn't this a good reason to be happy with the own problems?
Or does anybody like to have my problems? Yes? Ahhhh, you don't know them.
I'm happy with my challenges, I don't want to have yours.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
1. To practice in the morning before breakfast, every day at the same place is a really a supportive habit. To step on the mat without much thinking, but to start practicing is just ideal.
2. A healthy lifestyle, with almost no alcoholic beverages and a vegan diet support the yoga immensly. For my joints it's essential nowadays. When thinner practice gets easier.
3. To have the possibility to practice once in a week in a group or to have once in a week a led class is unpayable. It always gives me a lot of motivation for my home practice.
Of couse there might be other important things that make it easier to practice daily like a warm climate, but these above mentioned 3 points came into my mind spontaneously, so they seem to be more important to me than other points.
So, what to do?
I went to my bookshelf. I had read so many spiritual books in the last year and I was curious how I'd found some books that I've read earlier that year. The book by Albert Cohen "Heaven and earth" fell into my hand and I read a bit in it. I remember that I was fascinated when I read the book. But now I cannot believe anymore that a clear intention and a very strong wish is necessary to gain liberation. My newly gained knowledge more or less convinced me that not so much can be done. Our genes, our conditioning, other people, arbitrarily upcoming thoughts affect our life much more than our volition, our intention, our wishes. It's also difficult to take responsibilty. Who shall be responsible? Isn't it rather that life happens. Isn't the freeing aspect the one that makes us understand that we are not the doer.
I've read books by authors that have totally different views of liberation. Perhaps I read a bit too superficially this evening, and I misunderstood Cohen. But one thing disappeared very quickly: boredem.
Urdhva dhanurasna: I got an encouraging email today from a woman I met in Gokulam. Go on with the pose she wrote me, it will come one day. I had the feeling that I progress, I'm still far away from dropping back on my own, but every progress pleases me. To bend backwards feels good, I really think I do something good for my body.
Ha, done. (And tomorrow I'll check my weight.)
I will always get up on time,
I will practice 6 days a week without breaks,
I will never eat too much.
In 2009 I swear it, I will become a holy person, without flaws and laziness.
Just a joke.
(Of course I make New Year resolutions avoiding the words always and never, it is proved to be unrealistic.)
My first fiction that I will read in 2009 will be Harald Pinter's birthday party. Harald Pinter passed away a few days ago. I remembered that we read a short story by him when I was still in school. I loved it.
Monday, December 29, 2008
He was filmed in his home in Mumbai during his daily morning lectures. The film was produced when Ramesh was in his late eighties. He is a very lively man. His concept is written in his books. The contents of the film are not sooooo new to me anymore as they are the same like in his books. To listen to him is another experience than to read books.
I've read his books, I've seen this DVD now, nevertheless to meet such a wise man in person could be something special.
I'm just trying to convince me that it is absolutely necessary to go to India again.
The DVD is a recommendation.
Me (nervously): E. PLEASE put down the newspaper. We must go now. You must drive me to the station NOW. I still have to buy my ticket to Munich. Please, let's move, I will miss the train otherwise.
He (continuing reading the tabloid press): Relax and all is coming.
I missed the train.
At the station:
One hour later the next train was driving to Munich. After a cup of coffee in one of the cafes at the station we went to the platform. We stood there waiting for the train.
E.: I'll do mathematics when I'll be at home again.
E. (after a while): I'll dedicate it to you.
(Couldn't resist laughing, it obviously needn't to be a yoga practice that one can dedicate to someone).
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I am busy thinking of my last days of this year:
On Monday I will do the usual tasks that need to be done after travelling: doing the laundry, grocery shopping.
On Tuesday I'd like to go to the shala to practice with fellow yogis and yoginis. It will be the last Mysore class that I will attend this year. Afterwards I will buy the ingredients for my Indian meal for our last day 2008. A lot of writing will happen. I like writing down my resolutions for the next year.
On Wednesday I will practice yoga the very last time of the year - alone this time. When E. will arrive from Hannover I will start preparing the dinner - a 3 course meal, Indian style.
2008 was a good year for me, very colorful.
2009 is like a white piece of paper. I neither know how I will earn money, nor do I know anything else.
No, I didn't expect that sitting on the sofa and lying in bed makes my body flexible and strong. I was stiff today and I had to convince myself several times to go on. After ushtrasana I did urdhva dhanurasana and then the closing sequence. It's good that I practiced, every further day spent only on the sofa would aggravate the situation. Tomorrow I will sit for 5 hours in the train, there won't be time for a yoga practice. Today was an opportunity to interrupt the lazy lifestyle. I practiced, it's always worth doing it.
To be so disciplined to get up every day at 6 for a practice is really good. But who does it.
Now a little nap. To go out for a stroll could be another idea, but it's really cold here, freezing cold. Perhaps after the cofffee and cake I can convince E. to go out with me.
I sit again in the bed, ready for a nap. later we will have coffee and cake, and in the evening we will have something warm. Oh mei.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
When we arrived with the car they awaited us already in front of the door. We first went to the Christmas market in that little town. We had another glow wine there. Soon all our feet were cold and we headed for the Indian restaurant round the corner. They offered best vegetarian Indian food there. U. is now already 66 (really young at heart), he was one of the first who travelled to India decades ago. It was a time where everybody considered it rather exotic to travel to India. In the meantime his girlfriend was with him in India 5 times. India, travelling, food, were our topics.
After the dinner we went to the house of U. and A. . They wanted to offer us a Porto. We drank this delicious dark red Porto out of very old glasses, that U. inherited from his mother.
Finally we got some more presents. I must always think that it is a law that each vacuum will soon be filled again. The presents were great: an Indian sauce that I will use for my New Year dinner. And we got a trivet to put hot pots on it. Under the glass of this trivet are 4 little bowls to put something in it: sauces, decoration, rice or whatever. It looks really very nice. We had a present, too. A book on mushrooms. U. collects mushrooms in the forests.
It's late already.
My plan for tomorrow: an intensive yoga session with a deep breath. Everything else may others decide.
At home I got even more presents. I learned that E. is not so happy with his socks. He wants knitted socks, too. I promised him to knit him socks. (But who knows when I will have finished them.)
Half an hour ago I woke up from a nap which should last half an hour but which lasted hours. E. must be somewhere in another room, probably sleeping, too. Or he and his brother are programming C++. that's possible, too. The only diligent person is his mother, who is cleaning and mending E.'s pair of trousers.
On Monday I will return to Munich by train. I don't want to stay till the 31st of December like E. It's too long for me and I don't want to have a hectic last day in the old year. I couldn't convince him to drive home on Monday. So it is. I also want to have a last practice on my best black yoga mat in a room with the right temperature.
I considered a yoga practice now, but it's a bit cold. I should ignore that it is cold. Always I'm complaining: it's cold. As if this is a reason not to practice.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Everything is perfect, there is nothing to complain. I'm pampered. Nevertheless, I like to be alone. We are all gathered in the living room, which is rather tall, nevertheless I seem not to have a silent hour for myself. I withdraw while reading (hoping this is not too impolite).
Tomorrow I will take the train for Hannover. In the evening I will be there. I regret that I have taken my huge suitcase for the trip. The small one would have been enough. Now I have to carry this huge suitcase and in the train is scarcely room.
I learn that sometimes the body needs a break to relax and to recover. The performance after a break needn't to be bad only because of a break.
We are all up.
Today we'll have something light for lunch: apple rice. It's a layer rice, a layer apple with sugar and raisins, a layer rice and so on.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I got an envelop. My father has written a poem for me:
We should build bridges,
from the earth to heaven,
so that the light of christmas
shall enlighten the darkness of our earth
to show us the path
to freedom and harmony
Merry Chrismas wish you
I turned the page and saw the cash: I shouted loudly: No, this is too much, this is too much.
They calmed me down.
In addition my mother gave me one of her silver necklace that she had bought for herself. It dangles now around my neck. It's so beautiful. I wanted to refuse to take it, but she insisted that I take it.
But also my bf surprised me very much. Sometimes I think he is so busy with his job that he doesn't see anything else. But obviously he must know that I like languages. A few years ago we had a huge spelling reform here in Germany. Since then also my German spelling is no more up to date. I got the latest "Duden" with all the new spellings in it. Bingo. I love it.
My mother liked the spices, my father the electronic picture frame. Everybody had something to play with. Everybody is happy. I called E. and his mother: There they are happy, too.
Sigh. Thank you.
The highlight is the evening or early evening. During the day usually we do not eat (or better: we try not to eat) that much as we know that we will get more than enough for the big evening dinner: We have every year Sauerkraut with potatoes and sausages (for those who eat meat, I don't). Sauerkraut and potatoes with ketchup is fine for me. I really love it. This is the main course, of course there is a soup in the beginning. I could convince my mother that I do not need a soup, but my father wants a soup ("Leberklöschensuppe" like every year). He wants the classic order. And afterwards there is a dessert, later cookies and oranges are offered with glow wine. Nobody will go to bed with an empty stomach this evening.
What follows is the gift giving. By then it is about 7 or 8 p.m. The gifts are already in the living room. We usually personally hand over the present to the person the present is for. "Merry Christmas", we wish. Unwrapping follows. While everybody is unwrapping the own presents, everybody is also observing the others to see if the own given present was a good choice and to see what else was in the gift boxes.
Often a conversation about the gifts follow: What was a good idea, which present was wrapped most beautifully, and so on.
When my grandma was still among us, she used to return the present if she didn't like it. "You like it better than me", she used to say then. We all had fun about so much directness.
Then focus is again the cookies and the hot red wine or what else is on the table in the living room. When nobody has new impulses for the conversation, it's very likely that someone wants to watch TV. We don't sing or recite poems, we let others sing.
(And I promise next year I will focus again more on writing about yoga. The word "plan" is perhaps a bit better than promise as it is not so strong. Plans are made to see the difference to reality, but promises must be kept.)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
It's evening here almost 11 p.m and I imagine myself in bed already with socks on, a blanket round my shoulders and a book on my lap. This has even a romantic touch and reminds me of the times where I read secretly till late at night. Reading was not forbidden, but to read till midnight or even longer was not appreciated when I was 10 or a bit older.
One animal ate more as usual and is sleeping now.
One animal was cleaning the kitchen.
Another animal is on the road again and in the evening it will have found another feeding trough. Another animal is knitting.
Everywhere are candles. It seems to be Christmas time.
Monday, December 22, 2008
And now I know it. It's very likely that I get the job. They want me to talk to the tax office before the final decision to check my knowledge/experience or whatever. If the tax office has no objections, I can start the 12th of December. YepeeeeEEEEEE. So, this is now more than 50 % that I will work in a company where everything is either black or white. :)
Have I anything forgotten I ask myself. Probably not. I have a lot of books in my suitcase so that I won't be bored. But of course it is impolite to read the whole time. At night when everybody is sleeping I will read. Yoga clothes, my meditation blanket and watch are in my suitcase, too. The presents are in another bag.
This evening I must knit. My father is hankering for these self-made socks. He will be very disappointed when he won't get them.
I see already, I will be busy as usual.
My standing asanas before lunch were great. Now I can't go on with my full stomach.
My suitcase is already open, must put the essentials for a week in it.
However the decision might be: It's not the end of the world.
(I only hope I get the yes or the no soon.)
E.'s mother gets a nightdress. I found a beautiful one with long sleeves. She wants to feel warm at night. It's red. I think I buy a bit more couregeous colors than she would do for her. She is 85. But she likes my taste, so I am sure when it will fit she also likes it.
My father gets something for the PC, something to store datas. E. bought it. The socks are not yet finished. I'm awful. But I have still a few days to finish them, one and a half to be precise.
I think I should still buy some tea for E's brother, so that he has something to unwrap from me. Otherwise we say that the present that E. will give him is from us both.
My bf gets two books that he wished. And as a surprise he gets socks. Of course no ordinary socks. In a yoga shop I found socks with little rubber points on the sole. He can walk easily that way without sliding. He needs warm feet in winter. And we will write each others a few nice words. Last year I was too lazy to do it. This year he wanted to omit it. But I told him that I'd like it if he'd write me a few sentences. "Give me a card and I will write you something", he promised with a smile. This is the greatest gift for me: We both are not complicated. We do not think that when a present is not the right present that this has something to do with the feelings towards the other person. We do not overload the presents with feelings and interpretations.
I'm the one who gets the most: My new PC is great. I also will like the DVD by Ramesh S. Balsekar. I get another present which shall be a surprise. I am curious.
I hope very much that everybody will be happy, as this feeling is so much wished.
( I liked it to wrap all these presents and to spend time thinking of these persons, who accompany me for so long already on this earth.)
E. needs my yoga place this morning. gggrrrrgggh. So I will have to practice on the soft carpet. No, it's not necessary that he drives to the company. At least he sits in janu sirsasana between all his papers. "Bow forward over your stretched leg." I told him yesterday. "I cannot." he replied. I know that this is true.
I am flexible. During the next week I will practice in living rooms. The conditions are not always optimal, who cares. I will do my thing, that's important, wherever.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday is my back bending day.
It was a good day as my body was flexible. This does not mean that the practice was easy. I need patience for urdhva dhanurasana. Every day I have to convince me to do this pose. I progress, but slowly. Months ago I wasn't able to stretch my arms "in the morning". This I can do now. My breath is deeper as a few months ago. Despite this progress this pose is still a huge challenge. I will have to live with slow progress. My body never was very flexible. When it is flexible now it is because I worked with it- day after day.
The breath is my focus. Of course I appreciate it very much when I am able to do a pose "correctly", but more important is the breath for me. The breath was deep and even. So, in total I had a satisfying practice.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
For now I close the curtain.
It's only 10 o'clock and I feel ready for the bed. To go to bed so early might facilitate it to get up early tomorrow. Perhaps. :)
Not enough with all the presents. E. wanted to give me another Christmas present this morning. So sweet. As if the PC wasn't enough. OK, I said, then I'd like to have the DVD by Ramesh S. Balsekar. He ordered it, even though he found the reviews not helpful. I think it makes sense to watch the DVD before going to India. I know, a DVD can never substitute a visit, it can be a preparation. A trip to Mumbai is on my goal list. I clearly see the contradiction. When my life is already predetermined it might be redundant to make goal lists to achieve. Nevertheless I think I will go on with the game "writing down my goals", even though deep inside I know if my goals become true or not is out of my own effort or control. It will happen or it won't happen. I am curious.
Back to what occupies me most and what is more important than another trip to India: My future job life. Money. In 2005 I founded a business which was more a skin than filled with real life. From time to time I could make some money as a freelancer, but not so much. Companies wanted to hire me as an employee and I always accepted this offer. Then my business was suffering. Now I am again at a crossroad. When I will get the job, I had the interview yesterday, I will work as a freelancer. This scares me. All the jobs as an employee didn't give me the safety I wanted to have. The promised safety never existed. In the last 10 years I had 6 different jobs. Life went on after each job. Till now I am not starving. I still have a life of a fastidious person. But the imagination that I will work totally free scares me. It would mean no 30 days of paid vacancies, no income in case of illness. I have to take care of my old pension on my own, which means that I have to earn much more money than an employee.
Despite the insecurities that a business means, to work for my own business is in my mind for a very long time. Not only because I never was hired for a long time, and I was fed up of often strange colleagues and bosses. I saw potential to work on my own. I got active in 2005, I didn't work during that time as I was preparing a test. I guess I read too many books on how to make a lot of money. All those who made a lot of money agree: It's almost not possible as an employee. But I also know that most of the SME's (small and medium-sized companies) have financial problems and the owner of them work like hell. I don't want to go into that trap to exploit myself even more than someone else could do. But I know that there are also potentials in having a business......The hope dies last obviously.
Jump and the net will appear once a reader commented.
Back down to earth: Money must come in for my sustenance as soon as possible as I want (and have) to stop living on my savings. They are thought for bad times or when I am really old (after 90).
What to do, what to do, this questions mortifies me. At the same time I know that I do not have to answer this question. Life will happen. I can relax. To know that I can relax and to relax are different things. In total I feel good. The tension that I feel from time to time, mixed with curiosity which changes sometimes to excitement are bearable and zest of life (ha, I remember my new vocabulary).
What's on my schedule today:
I have to do some shopping's: I need wrapping paper. Then I can wrap the presents.
Cleaning is on my schedule, too.
I will have to knit, I want to read.
And of course I will have time to do yoga. Enough, enough.
(Oh, such a long post - mind seems to be in trouble.)
Friday, December 19, 2008
A dog appeared in my imagination, too. It came close to me, but as I had my eyes closed I couldn't see that it was a dangerous dog. It wasn't scared either, because I was so motionless. Mmmh, but how did I know that it was a dangerous dog? I saw it even I had my eyes closed. Everything is full of contradictions. Life can obviously not be explained. I remained quiet, because I meditated and then the dog disappeared. It came from the right side and it left the room on the left side. I am sure this has a meaning. So the dog was gone, what came next? Not so much, I sat and breathed. I seem to become relaxed again.
On giving good advice: All my good advices that I like to give for free are somehow redundant. Knowing that the script of our lives is already written, advices are for nothing. This fact makes it easier for me to listen. To listen is not so easy, because I always have ideas how to improve my life and those of the others. Seeing that it is impossible to influence the lives of others for the better by giving advice, because everything will happen anyway, I become a bit quieter. To listen is no more an effort, but happens effortless as if I listen to an interesting story. Nothing is expected from my side. Nice.
And perhaps I have given them the correct CV, I think and hope so. I really don't know it. Fact is now it is too late, I can do nothing anymore and it's better to relax. Relax, relax, relax.
Of course old fears (Will I be able to ....) arise. React to the moment and everything will be fine, I tell myself.
....and now the cake.
The job would be such a nice present for the new year.
(Oh damned, I just realized that I probably gave them an old CV, not updated yet. How can I make such an inexcusable mistake. Because of my cleaning and organizing activities the old CV came on top. Now I am nervous. Damned. As if life isn't excited already. Check everything 3 times, I tell myself so often, but this morning I only put the CV that was on top of the pile in the envelope without looking at it. Such a beginner mistake.)
But now I have to dress.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Today was the focus on back bending, second series.
It was a good satisfying practice, nevertheless I'd like to write about my current challenges.
Pashasana: I did it twice, repetition is good. First I did it on my mat. Then I used the sofa for help. I leaned against it so that my feet could remain flat on the floor while I twisted the body. I couldn't fall back that way. The finger managed it to touch each other. To hook was not possible. This pose needs patience, I see.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I lifted myself up 3 times. The third time I walked my hands to the feet as much as I could with all my will power. When I remember well, it wasn't possible to keep the arms stretched then. I always try to remember to breathe deeply when I do this pose. I changed my effort when approaching urdhva dhanurasana (at least when I practice on my own), influenced by grimmly's post. It's important to have control over the movement, it's important to arch back more and more. To fall down uncontrolled is not the goal. I want to possess this pose. It shall become mine. I admit (It's the second time that I admit something) this pose frustrates me. To practice and to understand this pose is all I can do. I will go on, less and less impatient. Time will come when I finally can manage to drop down - controlled. Everything under control, I will think then.
At home I take breaks during my practice. I am often distracted, that's so. So I checked my emails during my practice. The interview tomorrow at 11 o'clock was moved to 9:30. That's fine for me. The earlier I have it behind me the better. I like to have a reason to get up early. It would be a job 3 times a week four hours each day. It would be a slow start back to the working life. Better than nothing.
Oh and now I will do pranayama and meditation. For a couple of days I haven't meditated and I miss it. Only sitting, not having to do anything, knowing that nothing must be accomplished is so good.
Then I bowed forward to pick a little piece of paper up from the floor. Oh, this little stretch was so good for the legs: Time for yoga. I'm hankering for it.
I feel not very motivated to do anything.
What shall I do, I wonder. What is most important? The socks of my father come into my mind. Perhaps I should go out for a walk only to get my circuitry running a bit faster. This gives power and the mood betters usually. I feel overwhelmed, but I don't know why. Step my step a lot can be done. This sentence just came into my mind and reminds me of former experiences. Often only to start is difficult. Once this little step is done, work or whatever has to be done can become even fun.
So and now I will go out for a little walk.
I need a new aku for my mobile phone.
I need a new lamp for the windowsill, too.
The letter to the tax office is important, it means money.
Laundry, ironing, cleaning, all these activities must go on, too.
I have to delete old files on my PCs.
This afternoon I will meet a friend. I'm looking forward to it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I read about the distinction about detachment and liberation in the book by Richard Sylvester "The book of no one."
To be detached can be learned, it is more or less a technique. Often we forget about it especially when we get furious i.e. Nevertheless we can learn to be detached most of the time, or even always. Life becomes obviously less juicy then.
"Liberation is freedom from the sense of being a person who has a life to live but it is also the seeing that there is no person who makes free choices about anything." (Page 80, Richard Sylvester in "The book of no one")
On my way home I stopped at a little cafe. It obviously needs renovation. See picture. But what is perfect. Oh, I like to be there, they even offer cappuccino with soy milk.
When I arrived at home E. asked me out for lunch. Good idea. The red wine and the penne al'arrabiata made me feel a lot better about almost everything - for a while.
It's late already. I know that I'm supposed to knit the socks for my father. It needs time to finish them.
Perhaps I should meditate between all the papers of E. As I have the eyes closed when I meditate, I shouldn't be bothered by it. :) I have a promise that this evening everything will be as it was 2 days ago. That would be great.
I got up too late. This makes me nervous now, because I know there is still too much to do. Next Monday we will head for B. where my parents live. Only 5 days (3 days with open shops) are left.
Yesterday I realized that I need a new printer, because my new PC has a different interface and I cannot connect my printer to it. I have to buy Christmas presents. The lamp that is on the windowsill has to be replaced (I can't stand the defective contact anymore.) and and and...
I sold another book via amazon. That's the next activity. I will go to the post office and mail it, then I will be out of the house.
And when I come back, I hope that it looks a bit better here, but I fear this will remain a hope.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Next time it will be easier to go out of the house into the cold, because I know what I can expect. Mysore class at the Jivamukti studio was great. We were about 8 people, 1 man was among the women. One woman practiced third series, I thought I couldn't trust my eyes. One woman had a cheat sheet in front of her mat. I would call this a mixed class. I looked around a bit, I'm a curious person.
What was really great was that I had really enough room to spread my arms and I could profit from the energy of a committed group. I had placed my mat next to the heater. Somehow I must have feared that I could feel cold. Next time I know it better. I will place my mat a bit further away from the heater. The room had a very good temperature for Ashtanga yoga. It was warm inside.
Urdhva dhanurasana: J. helped me. She wanted me to come up on my own. So far I try to drop down. I think this should be easier, only fear of falling on the head holds me back. J. gave me time to try to come up on my own. I felt like a heavy wet sack. I couldn't move one inch. The hint I got was good: Shift your weight to the balls on your feet. J. told me that it was easy for her to bring me to a standing position. It sounded as if she wanted to tell me that I am no more so far away from coming up on my own. I don't feel that. I know that I do not weight much. I am busy with this pose, that's good. To come up is as important as it is drop down, I see.
Then chatting with C. in a nice cafe round the corner. The morning was spent very nicely that way.
For luncheon I met a former colleague. It was nice to meet her and to hear stories of a world I've already left behind me.
(Oh, my new laptop is great. I got my Christmas present already before Christmas. It's red, my new laptop. I think: Oh darling, such a nice gift and only for me. :)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Supta kurmasana: I tried to put my legs behind the head first, one after the other. It was rather easy today, but my legs don't remain there. I have to hold them. Then I crossed my legs in front of the head first, then I tried to hook the fingers, which was not possible. Then I only hooked the fingers and made the big toes touch. This was possible today. I played with this pose, I'm still looking for a perfect approach.
Urdhva dhanurasana: 3 times I lifted myself up, breathed deeply, remained as long as I could. 3 times I arched back as far as possible from standing position. My hand are too far away from the floor, my palms face the wall and not the floor. Perhaps a prayer will help. But I do not believe in prayers, so I will go on with doing it - again and again. The resistance to do this pose is no more so strong. This is a good sign.
Savasana: I was fluttered. Practice was rather long, the time said that it was already 3 o'clock. This made me a bit nervous. So many things still have to be done. For 5 min I remained in savasana.
But now I am up and I checked my calendar: At 6 p.m. I will meet B. at a Christmas market. Last week we both missed it. That's the only appointment, that I have today. Till then I want to be prolific. Life is not only fun, isn't it?
I need a plan, I need a plan.
There are my daily routines: journaling, yoga, meditation, going through my 309 new vocabulary.
And then: It would be good to go on with my decluttering and cleaning activities. 15 min in each room should be enough.
And then: Oh, I must contact the German tax office. They have changed a law and this means I will get money back. Hopefully, one never knows. To invest some time here makes sense.
And then: I shall see what comes to my mind.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
"Can you imagine what can cause quite a stir in the brain of Ashtangis?"
"That'll be our topic this night, when we'll sit over a glass of red wine and spaghettis with capres and olives." (I know he'd prefer topics on mathematics.) We'll go to an Italian restaurant this evening.
The answer: generally spoken it is: Advantages and disadvantages of the lives of autodidacts. To be an autodidact does not mean to learn alone and only alone and to make a rule out of it, but autodidacts take responsibility of their own learning process. Yes, so it is.
I must admit, I am a bit of a lonely wolf, an autodidact very often.
(Oh for those who do not know what's going on, please go to grimmly's blog. Oh no, I cannot link to him, I need a teacher..........hahaha,.............................or perhaps I should try it on my own?????.........after the dinner.)
2008 was my first year of blogging from Jan through Dec.
What happened 2008 I wondered:
The first half was dominated by work. I liked it on the one hand, because it was a demanding job that I had. I learned a lot and the first time I really had nice and helpful colleagues. In total it was all a bit too much. I blame my long working hours for the chaos at home.
The second half of the year meant traveling: I was in France, Norway, India, Turkey. I'm sure I've forgotten a country. I took my holidays in the first part of the year, but believe me I don't know anymore, where we were. India was my highlight, not only because I travelled alone but because I focused on what I really like to do: yoga. I wanted to meet like-minded people and I met people from all over the world. That was really great.
In the last month of this year I do all this that I've neglected: my home and my friends here. Oh this keeps me busy, too.
Top priority for 2009 is to make money again. Another trip to Indian would be great, it will be Mumbai then. Will it happen that I can drop down and come up from UD? Life remains exciting. Time for a cup of tea.
Pashasana: Fingers touched today, my breath remained evenly. I'm unfortunately up on the balls of my feet when I do it alone. The pose is still volatile and sometimes my finger cannot touch which usually frustrates me a bit. One reason if I am able to do the pose or not is my weight. My weight is rather stable, but 2 pound up and down happens. The thinner the better is this pose or generally spoken all the twists. Only with the help of a teacher I can hook the fingers while I am on my flat feet.
This pose I was given in Mysore. Twice I got this pose, once from my teacher here in Munich and once in Mysore. Each time it was a nice ritual.
Krounchasana: I hold the wrist or is it more the hand that I hold. Sometimes the leg is stretched, often slightly bowed. For me it is important if my breath is even. I also want to keep my back straight - vertikal. This is more important to me than a stretched leg. I was given this pose from an authorized teacher and also the next pose.
Salabasana A and B: I like this pose even though it is rather demanding. Knees should remain together. This pose really builds back muscles that we all need.
From now on I discovered the world ahhh the poses on my own:
Bhekasana: My finger cannot touch the floor. I can breathe evenly in this pose and each time when I do this pose I have the feeling it becomes easier. I'm aware so that no injuries happen, I take care to feel the edges but I don't want to go too far.
Dhanurasana: I have done this pose a hundred times when I was still practicing at the Jivamukti studios. Why shall I not do it now only because I do Ashanga yoga? With each pose of the second series the back bending becomes deeper. There is a slow devolepment. When I do parsva dhanurasana I can keep my legs together if this might be a criteria to go on. Mine is if I can breathe evenly and I can.
Ushtrasana: This is the first pose of the second series where help comes from the earth. Gravity helps to go deep into this back bending. Usthrasana prepares me for urdhva dhanurasana. Sometimes I even repeat this pose.
Today I went on. I am able to go down into laghu vajrasana, very slowly I go down, but I cannot come up the same way. Only when I try it, it will perhaps happen some day.
Kapotasana: My approach to that pose is to lift my body up from lying position. If I will ever be able to do it perfectly I am not sure. Today I could walk my hands a bit closer to the feet and I consider this a great success. The breath is also here the most important thing.
Supta vajrasana: I sat down in lotus pose - left leg first (to train my body equally). As I have no help I only hold my toes and breathe. I don't go back.
After bakasana I was done. I did urdhva dhanurasana and then the closing sequence. Today was not the best day for this pose. I think it is because I haven't practiced yesterday. Urdhva dhanurasana is like a diva, this pose needs daily attention.
In total my heart beat rather fast today. I sweated. I am glad that I practiced. It's so good for me.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Generally I like people who have the courage to go further than the traditions allow it: Thanks to Krishnamacharya in this context who started teaching women. It was the tradition that only men were allowed to do asanas - yoga.
I will always admire those with the courage to do something differently, those who question redundant rules.
That way I progressed in many areas in my life. My small home is so much better already. With baby steps I will go on. Sometimes I can leap ahead, then I enjoy this too.
And of course sometimes huge steps happen, then they are welcomed.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Then I went to the theatres to see the latest Woody Allen movie "Vicky Christina Barcelona". Enjoy it, I told myself, time will change and then you cannot go to the theatre on a bright day anymore. Only about 5 people watched the movie. The room was almost empty. It was a good movie, I liked it, not his best one of Woody, but entertaining. He is such a creative man, not one movie is like the other, style, contents everything changes. Woody Allen seems to know the women, which played the major part of the piece.
Afterwards I stopped at an Arabic restaurant to have a falafel. I called E. to tell him where we can meet for a glow wine. As usual he was late, I didn't care as it is rather difficult to find a parking space downtown. While I was waiting, suddenly a young beautiful woman with a huge smile approached me. It was one of my former colleagues, who obviously was pleased to see me. "How was it in India?" she wanted to know and if I had a job already. That was really good at my last job: the colleagues. I will send her some pictures of India on Monday, the busiest day of the week. This will please her.
E. arrived and we had our glow wine outside, afterwards we walked through the bookstore (without buying anything) and then headed home.
Here I am again. I regret that I haven't practiced today. It seemed to be difficult for the time being. But tomorrow I will sweat on my mat again...........
Up too late. I prefer to sleep well than to have a sleepless night.
What comes to mind when I think of the day: Learning vocabulary, yoga, knitting (I have to finish the socks for my father, I started knitting them last year, it's really time to finish them.), and I want to see the latest Woody Allen movie today.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
What a most clumsy man was that. Accursed.
As I'm not a child of sadness, I forgot about it, clothes dried, and I talked with other people. Some knew that I was in India and wanted to know how it was. Oh, I like to talk about India. One of the men had google earth on his i-phone. We searched for Mysore and Gokulam. Ashtanga yoga was mentioned in Gokulam. This mobile phone also had another feature: It could recognize which music was playing. But after another hour the music was getting louder and louder. I had to shout in order to tell something and it was difficult to understand what people said. I wanted to go. I still need my ears. Here I am again. Clothes are in the washing machine. I hope I get them clean again.
The intention today was to remain on my mat, to be focused and of course the breath was important. I didn't expect flexibility, but the body was softer than I thought. Even my fingers could touch when I did pashasana. The mental block to do urdhva dhanurasana is no more so strong. I did this pose. It was not possible to walk the hands to the feet. Once I went on the balls of my feet, but I couldn't walk the feet to the hands either. I arched back from standing position. You need to arch back 80 cm more, E. told me the last time when he saw me doing this pose. 80 cm, I wanted to scream, I know he is right. One day it can happen. I believe it, the hope dies last.
On my way from my mat to the bathroom, I threw away these noble handkerchiefs. We don't use them. Point. Bye-bye.
I deleted one of my blogs.
I bought a Japaneese knife to cut my vegetables.
I threw away table clothes. ...........
It's noble to have these handkerchiefs. I have them for men and women, 12 in total. We don't use them, but tissues. Sometimes I used a handkerchief to wave E. when he was going on a business trip, but he knows this show already. These handkerchiefs are so beautiful, that it is not so easy to let go. Fact is we don't use them, and decluttering has priority for now. I cannot sell everything.
When someone is waiting for something I usually give this activity priority. As soon as my hair is dry I will go to the post office to mail my two sold books.
Picture: These 2 soft toys will find a better place than to be bored behind my clothes. Also in Germany is poverty and we can give them to children. The other members of the soft toy family must travel too and they will find a new home in a room of a child. In total I have 11 animals. Two pieces I keep, I'm sad sometimes, too. But not now, now I am exasperated because I didn't get up earlier. I will get over it.
Today is another party. I am invited to the Christmas party of the company my bf is working for. At 6 p.m. I shall be there.
Yoga is on my schedule today after a break of 3 days.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Next to the door is my electronic typewriter now. E. promised me to take it to a garbage place, where they accept electronic garbage. Also this electronic machine is so heavy. I was really astonished when I lifted it up in the junk room. It made me laugh. For more than a decade I haven't used it, nevertheless it's not so easy to let go. It was expensive, it's almost new.Feelings are attached to it. But my bf promised me to throw it away tomorrow. And I am glad.
I just reflected what happened today as I'm not really satisfied. I was busy with the typewriter. OMG. Away with it. Nice was to meet C, and nice was the dinner with E.
I have a birthday present for my mother now, that means less burden for me. That was it.
What really makes me crazy is, that I havn't practiced yoga. Damned.
I want to meditate and this I will still do. I want to observe my thoughts and see how arbitrarily it is how they come into consciousness.
I just learned that my E. invited me for dinner (Greece restaurant).
Till then I will smell my new spices: tondoori masala, thai curry hot, ginger, Persian rice spices.....
OK, I will go on, I have no choice...........
To sell things online is surely something I am interested in.
So far I spent more money than I make. This should be the other way round. That's my collected knowledge as an accountant for 10 years.
When I should give my shopping activity a title, it would be: spices and chocolate.
Unbelievable what a furtune one can spend on this. At least I have two presents for my mother now.
To see C, to have luncheon at Zerwirk was great. Finally I have some time for friends.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
I feel empty, more should have happened today. But what? Step by step is the secret, I console myself.
In the morning I want to do yoga, I want to repeat my vocabulary, some grammer perhaps.
For luncheon I will meet C. in this great vegan restaurant Zerwirk. That's fun, she just returned from India.
I want to buy a Christmas present for my mother on my way home. It will be spices from the shop of one of our famous German chefs (no, I don't mention his name).
Lost in cosmos.
Time to meditate.
Picture: It's Christmas time here in the Western hemisphere.
This afternoon I packed a bag and went to R., who lives round the corner in a very beautiful home. It was me, who couldn't stop talking, but I was also curious to learn something from her. We enjoyed it to exchange stories about our job lifes, about the current crises and so on. Oh, I was astonished to hear that there are people in Munich who start stocking their pantry because of the coming crises in 2009. Mmmmhh??????????
Now it's almost 5 p.m. Was this a succesful day, I wonder. Sometimes the steps that I'm able to do are small ones, it should be OK. Tomorrow I can go on with my life work with fresh energy and as E. will return late, I have still time for yoga. Yes, that's it, yoga, yoga, second series today. Now.
What has happened so far, what could deplete me?
- I took a few bags to the shop.
- I discarded bowls, table clothes and clothes. These things are for R. to take them to Ghana. Everything is in best condition, otherwise I would throw it away.
It sounds as if I have done nothing, but it all took some time.
But now I am done. I must do anything else.
I should take a bath this evening in order to get rid of these bath oils. Hahahahaha.
Most shops will take goods on commission, I guess. They don't want to risk to loose money. I make experiences and this is important.
I will check now, where the flee markets are in Munich. Why not?
I will put an ad in a paper "Kurz und fündig" to sell my ski with ski shoes for self-collectors. I have ski for years, but I hate to be outside too long, when it is cold.
I must face it, perhaps no employer will hire me and then I have to stand again on my own feet.
One of my former colleagues used to say: those who can sell insurances can sell everything. And I sold incredible many insurances, I always got the bonus. I remember, I even sat under the Christmas tree on the 24th December because I still needed to sell an insurance to get that extra money. Whatever, money must come in.
This red velvet pair of trousers (I never wore it) and the top (I never wore it) will go to Ghana. I must contact R. today to give it to her.
What I learned about bags: There are summer bags and winter bags. People want an inside pocket for their mobile phones. "These bags have a great floor, so you can find everything at once," I told the owner, "one of these bags I'm using by myself." Our conversation was very friendly.
Monday, December 08, 2008
"Do these tangerines have stones?" That's what we want to know when we buy fruits. Preferably the fruit is without a stone, then nothing bothers the tongue, it's all soft and juicy.
But what does this mean? At one of the parties we talked about this. Some of the guests realized that there was no stone in the offered grapes. With the stone the grapes reproduce themselves. The grapes without a stone are raised. They became so weak through this artificial process that they are no more able to reproduce themselves. The nutritional value goes to zero then, but nothing bothers the tongue. What a success.
With my new knowledge I buy fruits with a stone, and I bite the stone.
I think this is rather interesting. It's also interesting how less we know about what we eat.
I gave one pile of 7 books away. I asked the owner of the shop if he liked to sell my bags and he wished to see them. That was the highlight of today, I started selling my goods. To have all the stuff here is dead capital.
I updated my calender, 2009 is coming.
I did errands.
I took my sold books to the post office and mailed them.
I, I, I, I also had a coffee in a coffee shop, where I wrote my journal.
I have still so many things to do.
Six vases are in my home. How many vases do I really need? Was there ever a situation where I got six bunches of flowers? Next year I will turn 50, but no, I won't get six bunches of flowers. I am taxing my brain. At least one vase has to go, I decided.
How many calender systems do I need? Do I really need another little booklet for my addresses?
Important is to find the addresses.
You see, the challenges of Western people are endless. It's easy to get lost in chaos.
we talked and talked and talked.
Uncle H. (E.'s uncle) told me some stories about the war, about his bondage in France. In 1949 he was set free after 5 years. He was catched already 1944. After the reunification (he used to live in the DDR and was not allowed to travel, like all citizens there) he returned to the village where he had to work during his last year of his bondage. The farmers there still knew him even though decades had passed and they were very pleased to meet him again. I was astonished. They even knew his name, they only spelt it French-like. "Voulez vous un vin rouge?" (Do you like a glass of red wine?) they asked him. I guess he liked.
It's always more interesting to listen to contemporary witnesses than to read second hand stories.
Many people were rather old at that party. Incontinence, surgeries, aching hips were topics, of course. Above 70 the main interests obviously change. It's health, health, health.
Picture: It is taken out of the window of the room, where the party took place.
In the train I closed my eyes and imagined myself sitting at my kitchen table with salmon, horseradisch, French baguette and a black cup of coffee. Nobody needs to know about it, I thought. I can do it secretly.
When I woke up this morning a question was in my mind: Do I like to eat salmon today? The answer was "no".
(I am obviously a hardcore vegetarian.)
Amazon sales: That's how I like it. I go to a party, I sleep and while this happens I'm making money. 1 book and the DVD is sold already. Overnight I made almost 20 Euro. No, it's not a good hourly earnings. I have to go to the post office today, it will take one hour. But as I like to go downtown I don't mind. I also have to do some errands. So I am rather happy with my online activities.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
We were 11 people with different jobs, different ages (9 through over 60), and we came from different countries. R. had prepared a wonderful table with all the stuff we usually eat during Christmas time: oranges, nuts, raisins, Lebkuchen, red wine. Bread and a hot Italian mixture with vegetable and a lot of garlic was available, too. My bf was happy with only one good night kiss when I returned, so much garlic was in this sort of thick sauce.
Next to me sat a young man who just came back from India. It was a pilgrimage for him, he stayed in an Ashram there. Advaita was not a word I had translate for him.
We were a really lively round.
I got up at 4 a.m. Somehow I am awake. In 10 min I will have to wake up my bf and then we'll head to the north of Germany. Another birthday party is on the schedule. The birthday child turns 85.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
I had to find the way to the mat today and so it also happened. I am very glad that I practiced. I even did full vinyasas most of the time.
Supta kurmasana I did twice and I could hook the fingers.
Urdhva dhanurasana I did it. Three times I lifted me up from the floor, three times I arched back from standing position.
These 2 poses and marichyasana c and d are the challenges of the first series.
Vinyasas - jumping through: It's coming.
What helps me:
- to go to the balls of the feet before jumping,
- to imagine to go to a handstand and to remain there with legs crossed. As soon as I think that I want to jump through the movement gets worse. To balance on the hands is a good goal.
- to look foward and not down
- not to give up
Nevertheless the foot is still grinding on the floor, I can hear it and I can feel it. Each time it's like a little shock and it exasperates me.
This evening I am invited to a Nikolaus party. I will go, E. will be busy at home. Most of the people I don't know, but that's why I am going. I am curious. I will stay an hour or so, to get up at 4 a.m. tomorrow is not so easy.
Bye-bye to this net that should be put on the ironing board to protect the clothes when ironing. I never used it.
Bye-bye to the little cushion, that should smell for lavender i.e. and that should be put between the clothes to shoo away moths. Usually I use little oil bottles.
10 different bath oils, 10 different parcels of incenses are still mine.
Yes, I have also gloves only for cycling. I do not ride my bicycle so often and when, I usually forget to use them. But they are so beautiful................
Of course we need these sunglasses that can be used to look at the sun when there is a solar eclipse. And this is for sure, the next solar eclipse will come.
Or did I made the mistake to ask my bf: "Keep it", he told me. "We can use it one day."
The camera situation in our house:
We have 2 digital cameras. One is in my handbag, it is a little one, always available.
Then I have the big digital one, with this good lense, a birthday present from E..
Beside these 2 digital cameras, we have 2 (two) analog cameras with lenses and filters. This makes in total 4 cameras.
It was difficult to throw my analog one away, but it is done. My bf cannot let go of his old heavy camera. Once it cost 1000,-- Deutschmark. This camera was bought when we still had another currency. He wants to store it at his mother's house. It is not even a good analog camera, he himself was astonished how little it can do. I've never seen him using it.
It is difficult to let go, it is so important to learn this.
Anna's comment is so true: possessions can possess you.
My camera is gone now. E. is still in love with his.
Friday, December 05, 2008
I am so motifated now to get to know my camera.
The appropiate books are on my shelf.
Regarding yoga: It was a moon day for me.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
5 books I will donate.
2 books I will give away for interested readers.
Amazon is a better marketplace for books than Ebay. This is my humble opinion. I only have to enter the ISBN-No and I have to make a choice of the condition of the book: new, used, but like new, used and so on. This is done very fast, no long descriptions are required.
Now I am curious if I can sell these discarded books.
Today I eat at home. I see how difficult it is to make money. Only in the evening I go out to meet a friend. It's P's and my yearly ritual to meet al least once at the Christmas market at the Rotkreuzplatz.
I wanted to sell my discarded books at amazon.
The first book I wanted to sell was offered more than 50 times, lowest price was 0,19 Euro.
I prefer to give it to a library or to throw it away.
To sell goods online means work, it means to pack the goods and to ship them. This takes time.
No then it is better to do anything else.
Oh no, now parivritta trikonasana, I hope I will have enough balance today.
And now the hero pose, it wil be enough to hold it for 3 breaths only, I am already exhausted.
When practicing with the CD there is not much room for thinking, considering.
Pose after pose must be done.
Urdhva dhanurasana: What really helps me is that my arms got stronger. And my arms got stronger because I do all the vinyasas since my Indian trip, also between sides. The series demand strength and flexibility.
Practice, I told me, don't expect a break through. Go on. That's it. Even a bad practice is better than not to practice. The Ashtanga series teach me to be patient.
Photo workshop: I will go to a photo workshop soon. That's a highlight. Yepeeeee.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Tomorrow I must go up on time: 7 o'clock. That's nothing. This must be doable. Once there was a time I got up at 5 every day............
He could likewise say: "Oh, you are rather voracious."
With my sweetest smile I answered:" Yes, it was very good." I emphasized the word "very".
I was in a good mood, I was amused and I wasn't thrifty with the tip either. Thank God that I am slim, I thought.
I had lunch at the Anna-hotel. I had 2 courses that I both enjoyed. Obviously not only me realized this. This evening I will stay at home - twice a day eating in a restaurant is too much.
Tickets to Göttingen are bought, coffee, rum and bread, too.
I will look for a lamp tomorrow.
It's time to go through my vocabulary list.
And then??????? Let's see.
At home: decluttering, cleaning, learning words, yoga, formulating an add for the SZ to get a job, working on the piles on my desk, sell my discarded books at amazon.
In the evening: I shall see if I will have time to join the veg group at Zerwirk. This is no duty. This is supposed to be fun.
Where to start???????
"What's the time?" I aseked E.
We both looked at the little black alarm clock at the windowsill.
"Nine." he answered with a low and calm voice.
We had a plan for this morning. We wanted to have breakfast outside at the Schmalznudel. Bummer! We had to postpone it to Friday. Bot on Friday we will get up on time. That's for sure.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Pincha mayurasana followed. Oh, was this exhausting. My heart started beating. I had a good balance today, nevertheless I had not the courage to do this inversion in the middle of the room.
I even tried handstand and what a surprise, I could hold the pose for a few breaths without touching the wall. Being able to do hanumanasana is helpful. I should really integrate this forward split in my daily practice.
I had enough power and mental energy to do urdhva dhanurasana. Will this pose ever improve I wandered. Finally I came to the result: Practice and don't care about the result. The results will be seen or not, it doesn't matter, back bending feels good. This is amazing. It is difficult to start with these back bending poses, but afterwards I always have the feeling as if it was good for my back.
Short closing sequence and this was it.
Not so much things could be found that I could throw away. It is amazing how much dust behind the books can be. Another area of my bookshelf is clean now. I made two rows in that shelf, so that the books that were under my desk could wonder to that shelf. That way I could reduce the piles of books under my desk from 5 to 4. The 6th pile of books are books that I want to sell. This should be my next step.
On writing: Lately I read in books on writing. The first hint to improve a text is: Delete all the redundant words. Everything that is not necessary detetoriates a story, a post. I just deleted another sentence, sometimes more than a word has to go. What is correct for a story is also true for a home. Again I must mention it: Less is more.
This is my morning blues.
My birthday party was in my mind yesterday night and this kept me awake. My birthday is next year, late spring time and I will turn 50. Everybody knows it that birthday parties must be planned very early. Is it really necessary that I let myself make stress because of any expectation from me and from others? It is not possible to please everybody.
(I need a piece of chocolate - I open the 6th door of my Christmas calender. As every year - the future is mine - I usually open more than one door every day, I crave too often for chocolate, I am impatient, I love chocolate, and it is a very special joy to break the rule to open only one door every day. It's such a sweet little sin, I cannot resist).
Christmas is not yet over. New Years Eve is after Christmas and before my birthday. And I cannot sleep because of my birthday. This is what I call perverted - self-made problems. Nasty people would say: "You need a stressy job." I don't think so.
I swear here and now to myself: no stress because of my birthday or a birthday party, either it is fun for me to plan it or I won't do it. Point. It is my birthday. And I am also a nobody (thanks God), why such a theatre because of nobody.
I must remember that I do not have to do anything. The Source has arranged everything for me already. If this is true, I really can lean back and I can be entertained whatever will happen.
Back to 2008. Back to the 2nd December. I will meet a friend early in the afternoon and I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure we will have one of my favourite topics: India. :)
Monday, December 01, 2008
Now I do not have to leave my home anymore. It's cold and rainy outside, it's best to sit inside a house. I must admit, it would be good to have a job now - this would save heating cost.
Who knows why it is good that I am at home for a while.
I am curious what will happen next.
The body was open and transparent, not like during the last weeks where there was an uneasiness, but I couldn't say what it was. I could feel the edges today, of course, it is this sweet pain that tells me: be careful now. But this is something else than an undefinable pain.
I got stronger. Since India I do also vinyasas between sides and sometimes I do full vinyasas. Strength is important and I still have not enough, i.e. it is incredible difficult to do tittibasana after bujapidasana. Even more demanding it is to go from tittibasana to bekasana. I think it is a lack of strenght why this vinyasa is almost impossible. Strength and flexibility is important.
Supta kurmasana: I tried to put a leg behind the head. It was possible. Nevertheless the fingers could only touch today, I couldn't hook them when I did this pose.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I tried today to bow backwards with the feet much more far apart as usual. This might help to conquer the fear to drop back. The floor is closer to the hands when doing this. But today I was not ready to drop back on my own. The age, the age.
Radio was on. It helped me. The power of music helped me to go on. Why shall I not use a little helper from time to time.
It is amazing how a good practice makes the motivation soar.
Time to have breakfast. (This I shouldn't write, this ruins my reputation as an early riser. :))
Sunday, November 30, 2008
The party was great: There were even shows performed by professionals and children, food was delicious, people were nice, the location was interesting. We were among the last to go to the hotel. It was far beyond midnight when we finally fell into the bed.
At 12 we left the hotel without breakfast and headed for Munich.
At home we slept the whole day.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
After these Indian and birthday troubles with my parents I had other plans for me. I saw me already preparing a 3 course menue for me here in my clean and decluttered shanty on Christmas Day. Alone I would be. Happy, perhaps a bit melancholy. Exotic food I would have served myself. No chance. Routine like every year will happen. It might be better not to plan anything as it is not possible anyway. Deeds are done, events happen.
2 hours are left for yoga and showering. Then we have to drive to the South about one and a half hours or two. We are invited at a birthday party. I hope I don't eat too much. I was shocked this morning when I jumped on my scales, naked and before breakfast. 3 kilos, 6 pounds have to go. Does this tell me to do full vinyasas now? Oh it is better not to intend too much. The very first step now is to role out the mat.
That's how I understand the Advaita masters so far.
Nevertheless the masters were urged from the students to give them sadhanas so that finally understanding, awakening to the truth can happen:
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: Think passive - not "I got up late", but "It happened that I got up late". (It might happen that I repeat the passive in English and French language.)
Ramesh S. Balsekar: Every evening find out (in writing) what really was done by you out of volition. The result will be: nothing can be an act of volition. Important is to see this regarding to the own life.
Jed McKenna: He recommends the writing process, too. Autolyse he calls it. Examining the thoughts and the truth of them. The death as an adviser is a second recommendation.
Osho: Be aware - is Osho's favourite method. He is the master of meditation and to meditate is to become aware (not only during 10 min sitting or dynamic meditation).
Nevertheless some of the awakened people do sadhasanas, i.e. the man from the Netherlands van de Wetering. In his book "A glimpse of nothingness" he describes his weeks in a Zen monastry in the US. Between the lines it becomes clear that these days are entertainment for him. He does not want to reach anything anymore.
(This was only a humble summary of what I've read lately.)
Friday, November 28, 2008
Every day it becomes later when I start with my practice. It's a shame. But I practiced.
The poses were sometimes rather sloppy. The intention to practrice with the CD is to experience the flow. To go on and to go on and that's what I did. There was no time to float. Only once the ring bell, just after navasana. It was the postman. :) He brought me a book "The book of no one" by Richard Sylvester. Our communication lasts usually less than 1 min. With the right hand he passes me the book that I have ordered, with the left hands he holds an electronic device. There I have to give my signature. When this is done, I can already hear him running down the steps.
Quickly I went on with my practice after that. This little break was nothing in comparison with what happens usually, when I practice alone.
I also realized how short I hold the hero pose. Today I remained in the pose how counted by Sharath. Was this hard. I am obviously not a hero, but I also don't want to be one.
Three times I lifted me up to do urdhva dhanurasna and I held the pose as long as it was counted.
Mari c and d, and supta kurmasana could be indicated only. I need more time to get into these poses. Again, I think the flow is essential when practicing with the CD and not the perfection of the poses.
It is four o'clock. The day is almost over.
Today I decluttered again, this is always satisfying.
I had the courage to switch on the CD by Sharath.
E. invited me to the Greece restaurant this evening.
I guess this was it - almost.
I deserve it to meditate now, there is still some time till dinner.
Nothing must be achieved.
Life must be lived, it is so simple.