Friday, August 31, 2007
Bf came home at almost the same time like me and he invited me to an Italian restaurant. We did the whole programme: main course, dessert, espressi, grappa. I preferred the grappa not the pain pill today. Back hurts. I will go to bed soon.
Weekend: I can relax my body now. How glad I am. It must get better.
C.K. you are right I should take a break, but from work.
Hi Kev, yes, I take care, greet I. back, I will write her this weekend.
Arturo, thanks for caring, too.
Now I feel almost pain free. But this was different this morning. When the body has no movement for a while like after the night, my back hurts incredibly. Yoga is painful in the beginning, but with every movement I feel better. I do a modified practice, with a modified chaturanga dandasana - I lay down on my belly, as arms are too weak to hold the body. Of course I listen to my body, I'm attentive. I love my body, I won't do anything bad to it due to wrong ambition.
Fact is yoga, probably any movement, gives me relief. I'd like to go for a walk, doing yoga, go for a walk. Unfortunately I have to go to work. Even if I take care the body posture at work is not good. In front of me is a file, behind the file is the keyboard, mouse is on the right side and so I'm working almost the entire day on a bad chair. I have to work fast, too much stuff is on my desk. That's the reason for the tension in my back and arm.
I feel good now. But I know that at 2 p.m pain will annoy me again too much. But weekend is coming. Body can relax.
It's so nice to have so caring readers. Thank you.
Short practice report: It was modified, relaxing, now I'm almost pain free. Body was bendy and only in some poses back hurt very much.
Zazen: It's crazy, but I'm looking forward to it every morning. This is the big summer surprise for me. Now I can do it.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Of course I practiced: Vinyasas were almost impossible today. I left them after a while. My right arm is so weak now, it cannot hold the body. Worst poses are the forward bends like uttanasana. It is as if a butcher takes a hook puts it deep into my muscles and pulls and turns it at every movement I move (with no mercy).
It was a practice of 45 min. It's good that I practiced as it is a certain relief and it gives me self-confidence that I can stand it.
Zazen: I'm almost sad when the 20 min are over. I like to sit. A lot of mental activities happen, of course. Today I wrote again a lot of posts. But I cannot even remember the contents. I'm not attached to it.
What else? It's cold here again. And rainy.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I feel better now, but I'm not pain free. Thoughts come up that this will stay now forever. But I know this cannot be true. All the beautiful things in my life found an end, and so it will be with the more painful things. I need patience.
Now I'm glad that I can do Zazen. When yoga is too hard, I can sit. It's something for me, too.
To stand is good, to sit is even better, but the best thing is to lay in bed. That's what I'm going to do. Good night.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
In the evening I took a pill, couldn't stand the pain anymore and now a bath to relax. And tomorrow it is better, I know it.
Of course I practiced as I promised myself some relief. OMG did it hurt. I said to myself: FOCUS ON THE BREATH. Ignore the body. The breath is the focus. It helped to make the pain bearable. And again, second surya namaskara: focus on the breath, the body knows by itself what to do. I did it. Breath became loud, intensive, long.
I cannot make out what I've done, so this could happen.
My experience with injuries so far is: At first I have to notice it, then it gets worse. Then it takes 10 days till I cannot remember anymore that there was something. I hope that today is the worst day.
Zazen: 20 min are short. I think I'm too attached to the stories that come up. I get back to the breath here, too, all the time when I notice it. Then the stories change. I'm really entertained. :)
Monday, August 27, 2007
This time I placed my mat where the backbenchers are, close to the door, but in the middle. Now B. does not find me so fast. I mean she must know where her addictive people are, must she? A woman that I met yesterday was there today as well. In the changing room I asked her if she knew the dangers of Ashtanga yoga???? But she knew it already. At least a few surya namaskaras in the morning are necessary for her. Guess I will take her to B.. She will love it.
Bed time. Must get up at 5 a.m. Zazen, meditation and and and.
But this friendly approach to myself does not alter the fact that I woke up this night and my right upper back hurt. How did this happen again? I don't know. But practice was good. It took away the tension of the back and now I feel so much better.
Zazen: Perhaps I do something differently than all the years before (when I tried to sit), but I'm able to do it and I like it. In addition I do not at all think that it is a waste of time. Crazy thoughts come up of course and I want to shoo them away. Sometimes I'm in the future, sometimes thoughts are about the past, sometimes I'm just sitting. I try to take it easy. At least I try it. Yes, I think it gives me some peace.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Oh, the highlight: it was the first time that my fingers could touch in pashasana on the left side. What a surprise.
Zazen: Of course I sit now every day. I start being so relaxed despite of all the turbulence that happen in my life. Somehow I belong to the untouchables at the moment. I enjoy this feeling. Is it the success very beginners sometimes experience and after a while this fades? At the moment I feel fantastic. I feel as if I can handle what will happen in my life, even though practice was not optimum.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
In the backyard of the museum is a theatre performance every evening. Later the people came out, took their bicycles and left the place. I sat there and observed the scene. I felt so relaxed and quite. It was nice.
Then I enjoyed again the moon, the warm weather, my comfortable blanket.
Poor Globie. He was out with 2 extroverted women. I guess we didn't leave him much space. I. is one of the woman I could chat till the end of my life and it wouldn't be boring, not for a fracture of a second. We even planned to do business together (cheese business). Then Globie left us for the Arena the modern heroes, the soccer players. I. and I changed the location. I wanted to go with her to my favourite Saturday afternoon place. Oh we have so many topics to talk about. What an exciting afternoon.
PS: Of course I showed them the airyoga studio. They have air conditioning there. A little paradise on such a summer day.
So and now I'll will pick up Globie and his friend I. at the hotel. I'm curious. A beer garden would be good for them. Let's see what they want.
What to dress when I meet English people? French fashion of course. :)
Friday, August 24, 2007
At the end I said: You did a good job.
He: I had good material. Haha.
This morning I didn't bind my hair and it fell all the time into my face during my practice. This was funny and pleased me. I was slow, so slow. I had only time for a few sitting poses. I was picky, only favourite poses today like baddha konasana, ardha paddha paschimottanasana. Very short closing sequence. The end.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I thought of my wonderful Mysore style practice, while I was alone on my mat this morning. It was so good. Usually I practice on the side, close to the door. Yesterday I put my mat in the middle of the room. I had an Ashtangi yogi on my right side and an Ashtangi yogi on my left side. I was in other words the filling of the sandwich. Energy left, energy right. I'm sure that this was one of the reasons I came so easy, light-hearted through the practice, with many highlights (wrists were hold in mari c and d i.e.).
Back to my practice this morning. Wonderful, too. I'm slow for the time being. It's more quality than quantity.
I can't believe it but I want to sit longer in Zazen. Time flies when I sit. What happened?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I lifted me up into urdhva dhanurasana. It's more like 3 push-ups, as I do not hold the pose. But at least these 3 push ups happened.
Zazen: shut-up, shut-up, my neighbours, it's in the morning. So much chatting in my mind. What did I think? I cannot remember, probably the well-known stuff. It fills me with proud to sit with straight back 20 min. OMG that's nice.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
After the standing sequence I switched off the CD (2nd series today) and I practiced on my own, but I could hold the even rhythm and flow.
Of course the practice gets easier when the body is lighter. That I have lost 4 pounds helps a lot. It's easier to jump back and the twists are easier, too.
At the end the queen of all asanas was performed: savasana.
Zazen: I need a timer that's for sure. I get distracted after a while, because I want to start Ashtanga yoga on time. I do not sit in lotus pose anymore, but I sit on the floor with crossed legs, the pose is good for me.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Fast I was today, but bendy and focused. I even did urdhva dhanurasana.
During practice I decided to go to a led class this evening. I think it is possible with my back. Another advantage of beginner classes: I can do it even though I'm not fit as usual.
Zazen was performed, too, but I need a timer. I start watching the clock too often. This destroys everything.
Feelings of fear of work arise: Mistakes, missed deadlines, still too many (stupid) questions are the reasons for my heaviness. One breath after the other I'll try to manage all this. Guess my Ashtanga practice will be relieving this evening.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
I'm glad that I did it. A yoga practice is also a possibility to check the status of the body. I'm recovering, but I must give my body time. I couldn't resist to put the leg behind the head, yes slowly, but I had to know if this is still possible. It is.
Back bending didn't hurt at all, the forward bending and twist are critical.
Patience, patience, patience.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Tomorrow I will switch on the light, but I will look in another direction. I consider buying a meditation clock. I loose the feeling for the time and I don't want to look at the watch 2 or 3 times.
Ashtanga was painful, due to my back. It took me 7 breaths till I could bend forward. I had to accept it. I did some painful surya namaskaras and perhaps 4 poses. Most of us, especially me concentrate so much on the asanas. It is equally important to develop sensitivity towards the own body. With each new pose, sensitivity must grow, too. I guess that today was the worst day. It can only get better.
It's rainy here, but already Friday. How nice. Mmm, perhaps I should pray a little bit, so that my back gets better??????
Thursday, August 16, 2007
My practice was good, but I felt rather distracted. Happy somehow that I had had a very nice practice yesterday evening (Mysore class). Mind was wandering. The pose "leg behind the head" came. I took my right leg and put it back and again, if you don't want to go back I use more power and AUUUUAAAA. The left side of my back sudden hurt. I injured me again. No, it is not Ashtanga yoga. It is because I wasn't careful, because I was overzealous and inattentive. I could shoot me to the moon.
After an intensive yoga day like yesterday the body is weak (I practiced 2 times). I need to be even more carefully. I feel like a very stupid beginner, but beginners don't know the dangers of the practice, I must know. I'm so angry about myself.
After this injury I tried poses, just to check what I'm able to do. It hurts. Really. I was relieved to see that I can still move, I can still jump back.
Most painful is to bend forward. I could scarcely dry my feet after the shower. I plan a hot bath this evening. How awful I am. How can I be so stupid.
Zazen: I did it, too. Distracted as well.
To sit on my chair now hurts, too.
No, no, no, no. I'm so disappointed and angry. Permanent pain now. A very good reminder to respect the body.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
This was perfect for my practice at the Mysore class. I had strength and flexibility. Focus was there. Of course, vinyasas must improve, many asanas need improvement. But progress surprises sometimes. Pindasana gets better and better i.e.
Supta kurmasana was good today and urdhva dhanurasana improved as well. But this pose still needs time. This is my opinion. To drop down from standing position is very advanced.
2 working days and then weekend. It's doable, isn't it?
Highlights happened, too: I could hold the wrist in mari c and d, I didn't roll out of garbha pindasana, one try and I was up in kukutasana.
I had the feeling, that utthita trikonasana improved. Not the headstand is difficult, paschimottanasana or trikonasana is difficult. It looks so easy in the beginning. As soon as one can hold the toe it seems as if the asana can be performed. But a good trikonasana is much more. The hips must be in the right line, the back ought to be straight, the arms stretch upwards and downwards, shoulders shouldn't be cramped. Today my trikonasana improved. I heard again the noise of the bones in the beginning and then I could stretch into this pose.
I lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana. My opinion is, that when I'm not able to do this pose with really straight arms, I will always fall on my head when I come from standing pose. I feel it, this pose still needs to mature. I need more strength for this pose, more courage and more curve in the back.
Zazen was performed, too. It was a very emotional sitting today. I could scarcely not move. Time went by very quickly.
How I appreciate banking holidays.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A wonderful practice: It is important not to eat too much the evening before a practice, that's what I found out. A light body supports the practice, the flexibility of the body. I even lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana and I could stretch my arms.
Zazen is wonderful, too, even though I'm dreaming all the time. I ask me if I'm at least dreaming consciously. I cannot answer the question. This may change within the 20 min, sometimes I'm conscious, sometimes I'm only dreaming.
If I only had so much consequence in other areas of my life, too. My critical mind never sleeps.
Oh, and tomorrow we have a banking holiday here. tralalitralala.
Monday, August 13, 2007
At the moment I appreciate these classes for different reasons:
In beginner's classes asanas are held so much longer. I can really try to relax in an asana, I can focus on the breath, I can adjust myself.
It's incredible difficult to balance in utthita hasta padangusthasans, when 20 people around me are wobbling. Then my breath gets really deeply. I think then that my breath is like a column that holds me stable. It's a challenge. It's much more difficult than in the morning at home.
And for people like me, who are notorious discontent with the own progress, it is calming to see how much beginners have to struggle with "easy" poses. Yes.
I have still power at the end of such a class. I had i.e. a lot of power for my summer pose: urdhva dhanruasana. I could lift me up and I could hold me for five deep breaths - 3 times.
Consequences: the evening is over, I'm relaxed, I have to go to bed. OHHH.
Picture: these huge birds visit me sometimes at work. I love it.
I did the asanas and I was focused on them (and not on the payments that I will have to do today, or that I want to do the dishes before I'd leave). I was mentally on my mat, I went with my deep breath.
It was a practice that motivates me to go on.
Of course there is not the time to do every single asanas. I had to do some decisions. Time is limited in the morning. But I lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana. Three times.
Yoga Chicky had a very helpful post re supta kurmasana. I always felt what she wrote and what NYC teachers acknowledged: To be able to do eka pada sirsasana is almost crucial in order to be able to do supta kurmasana. I put my legs in turn, not at the same time, behind my head as a preparation for supta kurmasana. I was happy that I could do this in the morning. The body is cramped, but I have to start somehow.
This evening I will go to a led Ashtanga class. Even if we only do a few sitting asanas, we surely do the standing asanas and they need improvement, and this is sufficient. I will have enough energy for urdhva dhanurasana, my pose for this summer.
ZaZen: I did it, I wished I had more time for it. I'm astonished. Years I couldn't sit a minute and now I wish I had more time for it.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
I do it against the wall. Better is not to do it against the wall. In case of falling, it is recommended to put the chin to the chest and to role on the back. I use the wall.
I stretch one leg up to the sky, I bend the leg, that is still on the floor and kick I go up. The kick must have the right swing, not too much, not too less. To get the right feeling is just exercise.
How to balance:
The bandhas help to balance, the fingertips, the right position of the head, the right ankle of the upper arms and the picture that the legs go straight up to the sky.
I can hold the pose longer and longer without touching the wardrobe. But without the wardrobe I have not the courage to get up. It's a pose where falling is possible all the time. It's best to know how to fall safely. That's the next step. But I already got a feeling for the pose.
My injury in my left hip also tells me to be carefully and to respect the limits. Today it is better than yesterday, but I still feel the pain in some poses. Lotus is again possible. Sigh. Relief.
Focus of my practice today was that the beginning of the breath gave the sign to start moving into the next asana. I like the sound of the breath. In the first years I didn't see the importance of the breath. Now I feel how important it is. The breath is the half of the practice.
Again it was not a perfect practice, I had better ones, but I practiced.
I even practiced zazen, not in lotus, but I sat with crossed legs and I remained on my flat cushion 20 min. It's very seductive to start udjjaj breathing, but this is not the intent of this practice. My mind is wandering, that's why the time flies. From time to time I get back to my breathing. I feel not very self-confident doing this practice, rather helpless I feel. It's an adventure, it is as if I jumped into a bus and I don't know the destination. But now I cannot get off anymore. Let's see what will happen on that journey.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Now it is dark and it makes no sense anymore to take some yoga pictures. But tomorrow is another day. I will get up early as usual. Again, not everything is done what needs to be done.
I must relax. Tomorrow is another day.
I needed a lot of breaks. It was OK for me. The asanas were held rather long, I wanted to enjoy them. And I did it. I didn't role out of garbha pindasana this morning. This was a little success, too. A wonderful Saturday morning practice, while it was raining cats and dogs outside.
Sitting: It was again a dreaming session, not in lotus pose, but with crossed legs. I consider to buy a meditation timer in order not to sit too long in lotus. I want to change lotus position after 5 min in the beginning. I don't want to get injured again, but the lotus position is perfect for the sitting practice. It helps to keep the back straight.
Boyfriend promised to take some pictures of me today. Let's be curious about the results.
Friday, August 10, 2007
I survived the office week. On the picture you can see an office still lives. Oh, how nice, my office still lives.
Bf changed his mind and he wanted to go out to an Italian restaurant this evening. It was planned to stay at home. He knew it, but he didn't tell me. Friends were waiting there. For me it was a surprise, a very nice one. I like to meet people. I like people, that's it. I had a wonderful evening, I probably talked too much as usual. So am I. Each time when I meet these friends, I have a new job. This was the case this time as well. We laughed. "I'm glad", I said, "I just began the job, so I'm still happy."
And I just checked my left hip. It's so much better. I'm looking forward to my practice tomorrow.
Zazen was more a scratching session, facial massage session, dreaming session, but I cannot remember anything.
Ashtanga practice consisted of a few suryas. I do not judge. It was OK for me today. I respect that I'm not a machine that can deliver the same results every day. My suryas were good. Then I hang forward for a while, which was very good, then I did savasana.
I'm looking forward to my practice tomorrow morning (with unlimited time).
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Ashtanga: I felt already tired, we are approaching the end of the week. I did what was possible and I think I shouldn't complain. I did all the standing poses and the back bending of the second series, a very quick closing sequence followed. It's OK. It was good that I took care of my left hip. I want to be pain free as soon as possible. I like lotus position.
An average practice, yes, but why not.
P: I got an important adjustment yesterday. Doing chaturanga dandasana my body wasn't straight anymore, the hips came to close to the floor. To keep the body straight is much more demanding, but that is how the pose is supposed to be.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
I always thought that when I would fall on my head, I would also break my neck and than I would die. The newspaper would write " young lady died doing her yoga asanas". But nothing the like happened. What a luck.
My left hip needs much more attention. I had to omit a lot of asanas today. No lotus for me for a while. I must recover. To be patient is the task, a difficult asansa for me. I just discovered that I can sit (doing zazen) and I have already to modify it.
We were 4 people today at the Mysore class (a woman from Japan, and Englishman, and 2 locals), 4 people with so much passion for this Ashtanga series. It was a great evening.
The Ashtanga practice itself: Awful.Body was stiff. I couldn't do the asanas where I had to open the left hip, so I had to omit janu sirsasana a and b and c, mari b, lotus. It frustrated me so much. Motivation in general was low, every second I wanted to give up. 45 min I stayed and did my humble practice. Mysore class this evening will please me, but I will have to tell B. that my hip is injured. I will put some Alpa on it now.
It's so important to be careful, always. There are situations where more care is needed, i.e. when I start something new. I was over-zealous. I wanted to sit 20 min in lotus, what I've never done so far and päng. To go on with my practice is good, but with much care. And my left hip can go on holidays.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Dinner with B. was nice like ever.
Every day is a new day, must sleep now and get new power and energy. Tomorrow I attack new problems which are hidden in the pile of paper, which is growing on my desk. As my colleague is on vacation, I have to do his work, too. It's much for me. Time to relax now and to sleep.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Yeah, I come from a led Ashtanga class right now. The yoga room was rather crowded. I was concentrated on my own practice, I didn't look much around. Why should I. Unfortunately my left hip hurts. Janu sirsasana c is not possible with the left leg. I wasn't attentive enough during one of my practices, what else could have happened.
Urdhva dhanurasana was great. The advantage from a beginner's class is that I have still power at the end, which I can spend on urdhva dhanurasana.
There are so many chores that need to be done, but I will head in direction of the bed with a book. And tomorrow I will meet B. I'm looking forward to meeting her. When is tomorrow evening?
The inner voice: Is that really a good practice today? So fast? Where are the edges?
I went on and on. It was one of my daily practices, nothing special. My left hip hurts when my leg opens to the side. I must be careful. I lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana. I appreciated this very much. It was also noticed that the breath is not in alignment with the movements. So what. I practiced. That's what counts.
Zazen: I have no expectations at all. I sat 20 min. After 15 min I changed lotus position. I scratched myself only twice I think (no, I don't have flees). But more important I have no flees and no expectations either. I only trust that to sit makes sense in the long run. I want to have it as a part of my life.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
My body was thin, bendy, willing, perfect. The mind was so distracted.
Self talk: I take as many breaks as necessary but I will stay on my mat and I will do this practice, no matter how long it will take. Point.
One hour and a half I was on my mat. Finally it was a satisfying practice. But I'm often so distracted. My left hip is a bit overstretched, means, I must be careful with my body. The problem is the mind, not the body.
Zazen: Yes, I did even this. I sat 20 min. I changed the lotus position several times. I scratched myself and I had a lot of thoughts. I hadn't expected anything else. I will go on. Somehow I think it is good to sit and to stand what is.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
I lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana. I'm not heavy, but doing this pose, I think my body is very heavy.
I enjoyed every single asana today.
Then the cold shower. I had breakfast in front of the balcony, windows were open. I sat there and I thought I was in paradise.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Today I will go to bed early. My practice starts the evening before.
My life is very exciting at the moment. My thoughts are running, they are jumping, no breaks at all, and again from the very beginning. I need a break.
I'm loosing weight, but I feel well. A few pages of reading in the new book by Suzuki, that was it. The night can do with me whatever it likes to do.
Ashtanga practice was rather distracted. I feel mercy with myself, it is Friday. I did all the standing positions, a lot of forward bending, a short closing sequence. Of course I had to omit a lot of asanas, but 1 hour is always too short to do every single pose. Sometimes I'm distracted, I need breaks, mind is wandering and then there is not time for everything.
Tomorrow is Saturday and I need the weekend. I'm exhausted at the end of the week.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
-technology marketer (test system for mother boards)
-consultant for European Community projects
-sales person (insurances)
-Der dritte Mann (the third man with Orson Welles, book written by Graham Greene).
-23 (it's a German movie, sorry)
-Zeugin der Anklage (a Hitchcock movie with Marlene Dittrich)
-all the movies by Fassbinder (German movie maker) and Claude Chabrol (French movie maker)
- the last Woody Allan movie about the tennis player was very good.
- I loved the German movie - The live of the others.
4 places I've lived:
in a little village (200 inhabitants)
Montpellier, South of France (half a year)
penne al'arrabiata (Italian)
vegetables in red curry sauce (Thai)
Mixed vegetables (Indian)
4 vacation places:
Cape town, South Africa
San Diego, USA
4 sites I visit daily:
sites by yoga institutes
After sitting I did yoga. Much self-talk today during practice. Funny is that sometimes I talk in English to me. I like this language. My body was very willing to perform the asanas of the second series. Breath helped me as every day. I'm very happy and relaxed.
And the sun is shining. :)
In my bag is the book by Suzuki: Zen mind, beginner's mind. That's my reading during my commuting time.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I was helped in paschimottanasana, supta kurmasana and urdhva dhanurasana. My luck was perfect. And urdhva dhanurasana was good today.
And now is already bed time. My morning routine starts now. :)
I'm astonished, but to sit pleases me. Today I didn't change the position. I could sit in lotus position for more than 15 min, without thinking of the position. Afterwards my legs slept, but this was OK. It's a challenge not to move. Yesterday I wanted to write that meditation influences Ashtanga and the other way round.
But my Ashtanga practice was far away from good today, sitting was. I was so distracted. I couldn't focus at all. I was dreaming, absent.
There is Mysore class today. I have another chance to focus.
Sometimes I'm asked, if I practice when I go to a Mysore class in the evening. People are astonished when I say: of course. I do it because it is easier. To practice every day at the same time is so much easier than to practice one day and the other day not. Yes, I have many sloppy practices, but I don't care. The good ones exist as well.