Friday, September 14, 2007

On this morning

Zazen: It has had the promised effect. At the end I was much calmer than in the beginning. Body didn't move. Breath was important.

Ashtanga yoga: The only goal I have for the next weeks is to stay on my mat, when I need or want to make a break. I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to leave the mat. The breaks can be long or short, but I must stay on my mat. Is this a limitation? To stay on that little mat? I don't think so, because I run away automatically and I want to stay. This morning I only left the mat twice. Firstly to wake up E., but he didn't get up. This was predictable. The second time I suddenly noticed that I wasn't on my mat anymore. Automatically, too. Next time I want to stay and to face what happens when I stay.

I'm alone. This is a not a bad message and not a good message. This is a fact. Why am I sad then? I cannot make responsible anybody for my failures, for my successes, for my life. I also do Zazen for me, I do Ashtanga yoga for me, I do other activities for me, too. Perhaps others can use it or profit from it. When I'm relaxed this is nice for others, too. But I do it for me. There is only one person in this whole world, who can live my life and this is me.

I react too automatically on outside events (perhaps also inside events). This I regret later. Who reacts is the question, when I regret it later?

The weather is always the most important message. It is a wonderful sunny fall day in Germany. It's a bit fresh, but this is nice. The leaves of the trees change to red, and in the sunlight the trees look very beautifully. A jacket is needed, but not a coat. The weather invites me to stroll around.


magallanica said...

Dear Ursula,

When we are about to go beyond any threshold of our comfort zone (and silent consciousness feels like the Wide Unknown in contrast with the noisy daily go-get lives we are used to) ego, the little child within, reacts and reclaims attention as if you were leaving her alone in the midst of the forrest. Forever. Her aim is survival and attention is survival for her. Subconscious mind, body in pain, inner child are one and the same.

It was a struggle for me to be still until I started to talk to the screaming voice: "don't worry, i'm coming back in just 20 minutes, darling. I promise. Now please wait for me without moving around. Would you do that for me?".
Miraculously, the little girl accepted the deal and I started to meditate undistracted.

This can be applied to everything you unconsciously resist or fear.

You can't eat that candy now, sweetie. Wait until next meal.

We cannot watch television right now, let's finish the task and then we'll get some fun.
If you keep the promises, the little girl in you will become a marvellous ally.

Every time you say "must", "should", "have to", "do, do, do", her immediate response is a tantrum, frontal opposition.
It's easier if she doesn't feel pushed, it's easier if she understands that 20 minutes still and quiet is as fun as staying in bed delaying the moment to wake up or having breakfast.

With much love,

Ursula said...

Dear Paz, you are wonderful. Thank you so much. Ursula