Zazen: It has had the promised effect. At the end I was much calmer than in the beginning. Body didn't move. Breath was important.
Ashtanga yoga: The only goal I have for the next weeks is to stay on my mat, when I need or want to make a break. I don't want to run away anymore. I don't want to leave the mat. The breaks can be long or short, but I must stay on my mat. Is this a limitation? To stay on that little mat? I don't think so, because I run away automatically and I want to stay. This morning I only left the mat twice. Firstly to wake up E., but he didn't get up. This was predictable. The second time I suddenly noticed that I wasn't on my mat anymore. Automatically, too. Next time I want to stay and to face what happens when I stay.
I'm alone. This is a not a bad message and not a good message. This is a fact. Why am I sad then? I cannot make responsible anybody for my failures, for my successes, for my life. I also do Zazen for me, I do Ashtanga yoga for me, I do other activities for me, too. Perhaps others can use it or profit from it. When I'm relaxed this is nice for others, too. But I do it for me. There is only one person in this whole world, who can live my life and this is me.
I react too automatically on outside events (perhaps also inside events). This I regret later. Who reacts is the question, when I regret it later?
The weather is always the most important message. It is a wonderful sunny fall day in Germany. It's a bit fresh, but this is nice. The leaves of the trees change to red, and in the sunlight the trees look very beautifully. A jacket is needed, but not a coat. The weather invites me to stroll around.