Saturday, March 31, 2007

Reflexions on my last job

Warning: this is a positive post.

1. The last job was the first job after I had passed this difficult accounting test. I experienced myself very confident. The quality of my work has improved drastically. My decisions were based on profound knowledge. My focus was supposed to be taxes. That's not the easiest part.

2. I worked in a new branch. It's different to work for lawyers or to work for the construction branch. My knowledge regarding fixed assets i.e. improved. I worked with another software.

3. The future of the accounts departments: The accounts department is more a conservative department. In other areas of companies there may already exist the paperless office. Not so in accounting, at least not in the small and medium-sized companies. But this is the future. I could see how this can be organized. It was a rather interesting aspect.

4. The work with my colleague was excellent. I was generous. I told, what I knew. After 10 years in different jobs, I know not only what is written in the books. I come from the practice and I know the theory. Because I made all possible mistakes, I have learned a lot in the last years. I shared this knowledge with my colleague. But and this is equally demanding, he was open for everything I said. He learned so fast and in the end he was better than me. To work with my colleagues, with all of them, was a real highlight.

5. Regarding the working contract the company can pay only for the next 14 days, but they will pay me till the end of the month. That's nice.

6. I feel free again. Somehow I'm relieved, that it is over.

And now I move on.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Mango-orange-ananas juice and a glass of Shiraz

Every situation requires special food or special drinks. I was fired today. I celebrate my freedom with mango-orange-ananas juice and with a glass of Shiraz.

I was not at the right place in that job. My reluctance was not played, I suffered.

I was told that I could go home after lunch. It was not an easy task for the boss to tell me this. I could see it. It was up to me to decide, if I wanted to say it to my colleagues on my own or if the boss should do it. I wanted to do it by myself. The first was my nice Bulgarian colleague. He didn't understand. His German is excellent. I used different words. I thought, does he not understand or does he not want to understand it. Me: "Within the next hour I won't be here anymore." I had to make it clear. I think he was more shocked than me. I was not shocked.

Then I went to my other colleagues. When they heard the news, they looked at me as if I came from the moon, as if this couldn't be true. The new colleague at once gave me a telephone number from a tax office. She knew that they were looking for accountants. That's really nice. I think my colleagues liked me.

The order to lay me off came from China. It was not the boss, who decided it. He emphasized it. I also believe it, because one of the companies is broke. One further person in Munich will loose the job. He was more touched than me. I saw him walking to the restrooms holding his stomach. 35 people in another city will be layed off as well, people who worked more than 30 years for the company. I wished I could have said good-bye, but I had to give the key back. On Monday I will have to pick up my own books.

My email to my darling: Darling, I'm fired. This is not a joke. As always, your sweetie.

Phone call with B.: B. I'm fired. She: Oh, come, I will make a cup of coffee for you.

I felt that the whole thing exhausted me. I showed the boss, what was on my desk, but everything was organized very well and my colleague was informed about everything I did.

Shaking hand with colleague: he has a really strong handshake. My performance was very good, but I felt, that I needed mental strength. I have it, if necessary.

Then I went to B.. On my way to her office I called my boyfriend. He must be familiar with this situation. In the last 5 year I was layed off 3 times. This must tell me something. I had a cup of coffee at B.'s office. Suddenly I wanted to be alone. Alone with my mind and with my body. I left her. I went home. I saw her later again. We had dinner together at a very nice place.

I needed an hour for me, only for me.

I feel well. It was a difficult day.

To accept what would be

I woke up at 3 a.m., then 5 a.m.. I forced myself to stay in bed and to relax till 5:30 a.m.

My intention for the practice: to accept what is. Focus: breath

Half asleep I started my practice. I was concentrated on the breath. I did "difficult" asanas, which means I did all the maris, I did supta kurmasana. I omitted dhanurasana and sirsasana.

Padmasana was good. Only downward facing dog was held rather long. It is such a relaxing pose.

Ready for the day now? No. Yesterday work till 7 p.m. Today I have to stay till 6 as well.

Then I will meet B. for dinner. E. will be in Nürnberg playing soccer.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Food and kisses

This means my darling is back from Turkey. I got a lot of food this evening, a lot of kisses and I had someone who helped me to dress my coat in a restaurant. Let me start with the drinks that I had: a Merlot, water, grappa, espresso. The food: broccoli with pasta, panna cotta. Bye, bye 46 kg. To eat together is fun.

There was a reason to party: E. had a reason, but I had a reason, too. Tomorrow my test period in that company is over. I survived 6 months there. When they want to get rid of me now, it takes them 1 month and not only 14 days. I prefer to go by my own.
My darling looks at me as if I'm the sweetness in person. I know I'm an old bag, I don't care, I feel good and even young. But when he looks at me as if I'm so sweet, I start thinking, perhaps, I'm sugar sweet, perhaps even honey sweet. Let me summarize the evening. It was a lovely evening. I can regret my sins tomorrow on my mat. :)

Yoga - the goal is to have joy, isn't it? I like to live. I'm better and better to live in the here and now. Al least I managed it today.

It was OK

Practice was not so concentrated today. I was glad, that I wasn't overstretched from the intensive practice yesterday. Not much was done today. Not even the standing sequence were all performed. I was on my mat, I did some of the standing asanas, a few back bends, very short closing sequence. No pressure today, no wrong ambition. Only a little bit fun on my mat. This was it. Yesterday I did more than during an average practice.

I exercise, accepting what is, not always wanting to improve everything. I loved what I did, what else do I want?

Reminder for the work: breathing calmly, observing, taking nothing personally, knowing that it's only too days till the weekend and that all the doors are open for me. The worst thing that can happen is that they throw me out. And this is also not the end of the world, not the end of my humble world.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Soooooooo gooooooood

The shower, too.

But I mean the Mysore class after work. I missed it.

Today was my first Mysore class in this year. Four familiar people showed up. We liked it to see each other again. The energy in the room was great, when we started.

I'm not so strong anymore, because I do only vinyasas between poses and this evening I did vinyasas also between sides. It was hard and very good. I fought, I stretched my body. A great party.

Highlights: B. turned my body in mari d. I had the first time the feeling where the future is regarding this pose. I could hold the wrists, but I went much further than this.
In garbha pindasana the back should be more rounded I've heard. Then it can be possible to bring the legs under the chin.
I could hold my wrists in paschimotanasana.

I could totally stretch my arms in dhanurasana. I was helped in supta kurmasana, and it was so good like never.

So motivated now.

(Work is difficult. I try to test new behaviours and not to react automatically, but it is difficult. To be aware of what happens is perhaps the best exercise I can do. It's so difficult. I'm glad that I have my nice colleague.)

Spring time is coming

I woke up at 3 a.m., at 4 a.m., at 5 a.m. and at 5:30 I got up. I had 30 min more this morning, wonderful. I had time to write my morning pages without a hurry.

I felt heavy even though I lost weight. To loose weight, that's what I wanted, but I wanted to feel light as well. Yesterday a colleague had her birthday. She had brought a huge cake to work. I ate one piece and I was full. As it was just before lunch time and I wasn't hungry anymore, I decided to stay at the office. It was an examination how it feels not to make a break during lunch time (in order to show solidarity to my colleagues). I won't do it again. It's not at all good for the company and it isn't good for me either. I cannot sit 9 hour in front of a PC without moving at all, without decent food. Concentration fades. It's not my life style either to eat and work at the same time in front of a PC. Today I will go out for lunch again. I want a salad during lunch time.

It was before 7 o'clock when I stepped on my mat. I felt heavy, so heavy. I switched on the radio in order to lift up my mood. It helped. Then I practiced till the middle part. I couldn't make a decision how to go on: 1st series or 2nd series. I decided to go for free style. It was the forward bends that I did, a quick closing sequence. Padmasana was good. Just to sit was good.

This evening I will go to Mysore class. This means vinyasas between sides and not only between asanas. This will be hard.

The sun is shining here. Spring time is coming. Picture is taken in France.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

How was it today? Did I accomplish anything?

During the weekend I went through my drawers. It was an attempt to throw things away in order to make my life easier and less complicated, less exhausting. I found 8 wrist watches, none of these watches showed the exact time, some need batteries, others need... I don't know what for a treatment. After work I got a battery for one of the watches and I had another watch repaired. A little step, yes, but at least a step. I must accept that I cannot do everything at once.
Then I went to my favourite Internet shop. I ordered a cappuccino with soy milk. Joy was great, when I met a former colleague at the counter. The last time when I met K. she was before her trip to Peru. Now she is married. I think she has a lot to tell. We'll see each other soon. I'm so curious.

I had a shower (how important for everybody). This is always so relaxing for me in the evening.

"Little steps make the difference": this is my mantra now, and I will honor ,what is done. More is not possible at the moment.

I mean I get up every morning. I could also stay in bed. I manage it to get up every morning. That's something.

Too nervous today

I rolled out my mat, I started with the nadi exercise (stomach in and up). A few surya namaskaras a followed. Then I left the mat. I walked up and down in my rooms. I removed all the doors here. I don't like cages. Everything is open here at home (only the bathroom has a door). But this morning I walked up and down in my rooms like an animal imprisoned. I tried to get back to my mat. One surya namaskara b followed. Again walking around in my rooms, I went to the mirror to check if I'm really so beautiful how B. tells me so often (yesterday again). I liked the picture in the mirror. Again walking up and down in my rooms. I gave it up. A last time I visited my mat. I sat down in padmasana, I bowed forward and that was it. Yes, this was it for today. There are days like this. Point.

Breakfast, shower, music, then it will be time to go out in a sunny world.

Monday, March 26, 2007

blogger software help needed

The right side of the blog is now at the end of the blog. How can I bring it on top of the page on the right side again?


Led Ashtanga class and a film team

After work I went to the studio round the corner. B. is back again and a yoga class after work makes me forget the working day. When I arrived I saw that B. was interviewed by 2 people. She was filmed.

Later we were asked if we mind if we were filmed for an European health channel. Nobody left the room. So I stayed, too. I had my camera in the practice room, but after so much attention by a film team, I didn't like to get another picture of me.

We did 1st series till janu sirsasana b.

Many beginners were there, ambitious people: a man forced himself into headstand, another man understood that he should do dhanurasana instead of chakrasana. In the changing room another woman was so afraid that she would never ever learn headstand.

B. had the right words: in Ashtanga there is always a new pose to learn. This keeps the mind open. Learning on the mat, learning off the mat, keeping an open curious mind is important. The path is the goal. (memory protocol)

I'm looking forward to Mysore class on Wednesday. There was a place left for me. Very happy.

It's a fight for every single mm

I fight for every mm. Suddenly it is to be seen, this 1 or perhaps 2 mm, that I'm deeper in an asana, might it be mari c or prasarita padottanasana.

I switched on the CD by Sharath today. The first part till the end of the hero poses takes about 25 minutes. Then I switched to free style. I had to omit asanas (lack of time). As it was a fast practice, the beginning was fast and I kept the same rhythm later, I had no time to think a lot. Body was flexible, willing to do all I wanted him to do. I have to work on my strength, that's abvious.

I just did the practice, like a duty and now I could scream, really scream. Now starts the working week. iii°°!

Sunday, March 25, 2007


Glad, that I have started the process, the cleaning process at home. I want to build little routines again. To do nothing during the week and then marathon cleaning every 14 days is not the best solution. It was a start today. Almost all the laundry is done. I have something to dress tomorrow. Floor clean, kitchen is clean. I won't get a shock tomorrow morning, when I enter it.

E. called me. He has a present for me - a novel by a Turkish author, who writes in English. This pleases me. He is pleased, too, that he found something for me. Oh I expect really nothing. I know that there is no time to shop on business trips. But when he founds something, I have joy, of course.

The last hour before I have to go to bed.

I have still no solution how I can avoid to get to work tomorrow morning. I have to bite in this sour apple. Every day I must do something to change this situation.

Summer time now

It's summer time now.
Sunday is not yet over. I can still do something. Let's see what will happen.

Das Leben der anderen (The life of the others)

I saw the movie mentioned in the header. A friend recommended me this movie with the words: "If you are fed up with your job, go and see this movie. You will be happy with your job after the movie. " The opposite is the case. The movie was very good, German history, untypical heroes, a great movie. I don't want to tell the story, because then I would take away all the surprise at the end. But the part of reality in Eastern Germany shown in the movie, doesn't make me happy at all with my job.

It was good that I had left the house. It's sunshine here and people are sitting outside of the caffees. It's the first sign, that spring time is coming.

On my way home I bought the Saturday paper. Decision is made, I need a change. I will go through the ads. My idea now is that I can look for a job with 30 hours. This will allow me to work on my own business. It's a compromise, but I don't want to have the situation, that no money is coming in.

Oh good news at the end: B. is back from India. I got an Email and I will probably have my first Mysore class of this year next Wednesday.

Very good

I started with the CD by Sharath. For a long time I haven't done this. But boyfriend is on the way to Turkey, I'm alone at home, nobody was bothered by a yoga CD.

Doing Ashtanga with the CD changes my practice. I have to go faster into the asanas, which I managed very well today. I have to hold the asanas longer as usual, which was exhausting. Especially the last asanas of the standing sequence were difficult to hold: the hero poses. I don't think that the reason is that I'm not a hero. I need more strength.

After the standing sequence I switched off the CD and I practiced on my own the second series. Impatiently I'm looking forward till Sharat has produced the second series. Is there something in the pipeline already? I don't know.

I sweated. It was good. No music was necessary to concentrate and to go on. I cannot remember that I did an extra break. It's a long and stony way, that's for sure. It's a satisfying, joyful way, that's for sure, too. To bring me to the mat is pure self-discipline. I feel good.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The trick to bring me to the mat was also the intention

I didn't accept that today on one of the two days of the week, where I have really time, I don't want to exercise. I thought: Do one asana, then you can leave the mat, but enjoy this asana.

With this trick I enjoyed the whole thing and I had a wonderful time on my mat. After the first performed asana, I wanted to do the next one, of course, because it was a good experience. I did every asana and every vinyasas between the asanas.

I added lolasana. Usually I lift up my body, legs crossed. To jump through the feet touch the floor. I cannot swing through without touching the floor. In order to learn it, I added an interim step. At first I lift up the body with an inhale, then I bring my feet back so that I'm an my knees. I lift my body up again. That's the difficulty and that's what builds strength hopefully. Then I jump back. . The goal is to swing back from there. Let's see if this will help.

I could bind in all the maris and I could even hold the wrist. That means that I was very deep into this asana.

I didn't fall out of pindasana.

It was a slow practice. It was a great practice, with a lot of highlights and joy.

Friday, March 23, 2007

No pressure please

I didn't like to put pressure on me this morning. This was my intention for my practice. I have enough pressure at the moment.

The practice got better and better today. I was concentrated and I could go deeply into the poses. It helps that I lost some pounds. Of course.

I enjoyed the practice from the beginning to the end.

The nadi exercise at the beginning pleases me very much. It's a good exercise to get conscious of the bandhas. Then I continue sitting in front of the mat. I concentrate on the breath. The second ingredient comes into play - the breath. Most of the time I forget to think of an intention, and I also forget to dedicate the practice to something or someone, even though I know that this gives the whole practice an additional meaning. Last thing is something for the mind, I guess.

It was great, I wanted to go on and on and to have fun with my body. That's what it is. Doing Ashtanga yoga I have fun with the body. Perhaps some time the mind will join us as well. Sometimes the mind is part of the morning party, too. Perhaps the mind needs an extra invitation, a special task? (The intention, the dedication?)

Friday today: After work is a "real" party. Two colleagues of my boyfriend are leaving the company after decades. This is really a reason to party. Work till 6, then party.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

At home

Oh that's sweet. I like this picture. They look so sweet these dried ananas. In reality they are probably already eaten.
I would like to have one of these orange-yellow rings. Right now.
I'm at home. I'm fed up writing about the job.
I don't know how, but I have saved some energy, which I used to start some chores (absolutely necessary).
My question for me today: what motivates me? The answer: When I can learn something, that motivates me. Next question: Can I learn something from every moment? The answer: Perhaps yes.
The question is like a cup of coffee or according to latest experiences like a glass of water: It wakes me up, it makes me move. I get curious.

On my mat again - snow flakes

I experienced a certain stability how flexible I am. Writing this down, I know at the same moment that this cannot be true. Everything changes also my flexibility.

It was not such a concentrated practice today. I had to omit a lot of asanas of the 2nd series. I'm yearning already for a full practice during the weekend. It's a compromise in the morning, but better a compromise than nothing.

It's still snowing here. Snow flakes have something light-hearted. They dance in the cold. The eyes cannot follow them. They are going their own way till they disappear forever.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A goal list

During one of my last lunch breaks I went through my Filofax. I found a goal list with 10 goals. Unfortunately the page had no date. I read the list and I found out that 2 of the goals were achieved: I have passed last year the accounting test (was very difficult) and I have a job in an international company (ha ha). That's great. Write it down and make it happen. I believe - this works. Now I have to substitute at least one goal.

Interesting was that it was easier to pass the test and to find a job as to declutter all my rooms or to weigh 46 kg.

A working day has only 9 to 10 hours

Half of the night was sleepless, half of the night I slept. This morning I sat in front of my mat talking to myself loudly. Seems that I have a major problem. I swear this will not last.

I practiced a few asanas this morning. Only a few. Mentally exhausted. I was very astonished that the body didn't show any resistance. It would have been a good practice in case that I had practiced the entire thing. I did half of the standing sequence and a short closing sequence. I think this was OK. I cannot make me stress me on the mat, too.

Plan for today: to do as much work as possible of course, lunch break and at 6 p.m. I will go. I do not care what my colleagues do. If they have nothing else to do, fine, I have.

I lost 2 pounds yesterday. This is the advantage and helped me perhaps to feel so bendy on the mat.

Picture is taken today: it is the view out of the window, the view, that I have when I practice. It's cold here today.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Some flowers from France

I wanted to publish something beautiful for me tomorrow morning. I will go to bed, so that I'm relaxed for my Ashtanga practice tomorrow morning.

What a nightmare

A friend of mine told me, that complaining has no function. Unfortunately it has a function. It relieves and then everything goes on as usual.

In my case there is no relief anymore. This has good sides, too.

I got active. I wrote my first application letter today (email).

Work is so humiliating, where I am , that I do not want to go to work again. I want to stop this horror movie right now. It is a horror movie there, even though it is warm there and we get free coffee, which I do not drink anymore. My colleagues might feel differently. I have to admit this.

How shall I survive another day. I really don't know how. It's not reasonable to stop before having an alternative, but what's reasonable. Opportunities will open up perhaps. Sleep will give me power to go on for a short while.

I have to change this horrible situation. I have to say to myself that I can go in every minute. There is no obligation.

It is good that I can make a decision. Yes, fear of the future. Will I ever get paid enough for what I do and offer. But these thoughts paralyze me. I have to go on, just doing something in the right direction.

I was at the hairdresser after work. The woman who cut my hair did a very good job. The politeness was professional, this exactly was what I wanted. A nice cut from a polite professional person.

It was a good practice

Yes, I good practice within my limits of course. I made it out of bed at 5 a.m. Tired and proud. I was so happy that I didn't drink the dark beer yesterday in the evening, which I do not like at all. I prefer wine, that's for sure (even though beer is vegan, at least in Bavaria due to the strict beer laws).

I had time to write and I practiced this morning. I was so concentrated. It was by far not a perfect practice, probably it was only a mediocre practice. It doesn't matter. For me it is the best that I can do in the morning. I sweated, I enjoyed my body in various poses. The body alone is such a great joy.

Now I can begin my day with the feeling that I have done already something for me. This consoles me when I notice that others want to squeeze my as if I were a citron or perhaps the sweeter version - a lemon.

Monday, March 19, 2007

The view out of the window

I wanted to catch the huge snow flakes, which came down from the sky today, but they are not to be seen on the picture. That's my view when I look out of the office window. I showed this picture to the group this evening. A guy said: at least you have a window.

Again this Bavarian thing

Again a Bavarian party. Instead of going to a led class Ashtanga yoga, I thought it's better to go to the Bavarian Starkbierfest (dark beer party). I drank water of course. But the smoke of the cigars, yes cigars was not really good for my throat. I went with the music, rhythmic songs were played. When the band made a break I decided to go home. I left the group of 4 people alone. I think it was OK.

I took a taxi and here I'm, happy about my decision. Tomorrow I have to start working at 8 a.m. When I want to have time for a practice I have to get up at 5. Not an easy task. But I'm at home already and the chances that I will get up are good now.

My colleague to me: It's only once.

Me to him: Oh, you said this so nicely, you are right, it's only once.

I will survive it. All my colleagues come at 8. But I need my yoga. I start at 9. It is out of discussion that I come earlier every day.

Good focus this morning

Breath was hearable again. And I had a very good focus today. I'm very happy how it was, even though it started difficult.

During the first surya namaskaras a I felt that a vein was clogged on my right side of my head. This was not at all a nice feeling, but it disappeared. I went on, slowly, this was perhaps the secret. I went on, but I was cautious.

Of course I had to omit a lot of asanas. Time is too short in the morning.

Another week before me, that will be difficult to manage. What will this situation teach me, this is the question I will ask me.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

And yoga?

I had a wonderful 1st series on Saturday in the living room of E.'s mother. I did the vinyasas the asanas of the first series. I was happy with what was.

On Sunday I couldn't move at all. A nightmare. I stopped at once.

But I was still ill. At first I couldn't gulp, then I thought my brain came out of my nose. I couldn't breath at all. I had to open my mouth to get air into my lungs. Now I'm caughing and it hurts. I'm on my way to recovery. That's important.

Now I have to go to bed.

What do the Bavarians do, when they are in the north of Germany?

They go to a Bavarian tent at the Cebit. For me the Cebit is more smelling the atmosphere than real interest in any products. I asked my boyfriend what could interest me at the fair. He: screens, cameras, mobile phones. OK. I want to use them, that's all.

We got free coffee in the VIP areas and sooner as I liked it the time was over and I had to jump into the train.

Quite places

Relaxing visitors. At the Cebit are 90 % men: hungry men, men in jeans, men in suits and ties, old men, young men, boys, absent men, interested men, smoking men ..........I could go on and on.

The fair

There were less people than the other years at the Cebit at Hannover (it is the largest IT fair of the world). Even the train was not as crowded as every year. For visitors it was more pleasant. It was possible to walk.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Report from the mat

I woke up this morning before time and I felt rather ill. I seriously asked me if I shall stay at home. But I made it out of the bed. My morning routine is rather strong. I prepared the cup of black coffee, then I wrote my morning pages.

I felt that I wanted to be on my mat afterwards like every day. Sitting would have been enough for me today. But the body wanted to move. It was a very fast practice and within half an hour I did incredibly many asanas. As I cannot breathe properly due to the cold, breath was neglected. What was amazing, the movements were so good for me. Even though I'm ill I feel better now. It is as if I moved away the exhaustment.

Under the shower I thought: it makes sense to do this practice.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Unconscious routine

In France I wrote my 3 morning pages as usual. I start always with the city, the date, the day of the week and the time.
In France I wrote 80 percent Munich, even though I knew where we were (this is not always the case). I knew the villages by name. I thought that I was dreaming. I corrected me at once. But Munich was so far away. It seemed to me that my morning pages became an unconscious routine.
I said to my boyfriend that this gave me understanding for him, when he is absent. He is often absent, too.

Ill at home

I don' know how I made through the day, but I made it. It was difficult, not only because of my sore throat, but this made it even worse. Let's focus on the good things at work. I have a very smart, helpful colleague. And he is very handsome, too. That's really the best experience at the job.
After work (I came earlier, that's why I had to go later) I walked home. I thought to move is good. I walked slowly to the main station, half-absent. There I bought a ticket for tomorrow in the evening. To console me a little bit (because I worked so long) I bought the last and latest "Yoga journal".
As every year (10 years now) I travel to the Cebit the next weekend. I will arrive at midnight at Hannover. E. will pick me up. Midnight is unfortunately too late to party. The parties at the Cebit are great especially when they are in the huge halls of the fair. It's an IT fair and this is still a men's world. How I know my boyfriend he has planned a nice weekend, meeting a lot of people.
On Saturday we'll meet a friend. On Sunday the walk over the fair is on the schedule. In the late afternoon, I will take the train home to Munich.
I should go to bed early, I mean very early.
Picture is still taken in the south of France. I love this country.

Sore throat

Sore throat. Every gulp hurts. This night I woke up at 4 a.m. My throat needed cooling. I opened the refrigerator and I filled a glass with soy milk. I drank it. It was a relief. I drank another one and another one. Then I forced me to go to bed again.

At 6 a.m. it was difficult to get up. Best think would be to stay at home in bed. But it is not the time to do so.

I think to move is good. So I made it on my mat. To move is good even if I'm ill. Nose was clogged, throat hurt, but I did the suryas and the standing sequence and even a few back bends. It was all so fast, faster is not possible. I hope that these movements will help me to heal faster. It will be a difficult exhausting day today. Every movement is exhausting. I will stretch out my tongue all the time I think of it, because this shall help, too. It gives a massage on the throat.

I plan to go to bed early today.

Grey steps, that I have to climb today.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

To take pictures

To take pictures is more fun for me than to be a model.
My boyfriend is a perfect model. He is my favourite motive.
E. eating, E. reading, E. in his jeans, E. walking, E. thinking, E. driving his car, E. bored, E. excited, he is my favourite motive.

A man needs a future

A man needs a future - a woman a past. I want a future, too.

OH, I forgot, the best time is the present.

Night already

My throat is sore. How could this happen? I'm so careful with my health.
I hope that I arrived in good old Germany now. I will take some pictures from the roof of the office tomorrow during lunch time. That pleases me and takes me in the here and now.

It's time for me

I have to take the shower, I have to go to bed. Did I mention my weekend trip to Hannover to the Cebit, this international IT fair . This Friday I will travel to Hannover by train. I will sit 4 and a half hours in the train. I will arrive at midnight. On Sunday I will get back by train. I do this all for my boyfriend. He likes it to walk over the fair with me. I do this this since 10 years now. This must be love. It's fun for me, too. To be honest - France is better.

A dialogue

E.: "What are you doing tonight?"

Me: " I'm cleaning our home. Haven't you seen how dirty it is?"

E.: " It's like always."

This hurts. This took all the motivation away from me. I preferred to blog. Hahaha.

E. and me in a restaurant

It's a perfect picture - a perfect meal.

OK, the story. I ordered my meal as usual: "I'm a vegetarian, do you have something to eat for me?" See what I got.

I pointed to my boyfriend. I wanted to mention, that he is less complicated than me. I said: " He is a real man, he eats meat." The waiter: "Oh, a woman, who is a vegetarian is a real woman, too."

Sunny South

Yes, this is something I wanted to write, also inspired by other blogs. In France you see women, not so young anymore, 60 or so or older and they feel sexy. It's to be seen - they show skin, they wear nice jewellery, they move as if life has just started and as if it is more fun the older one gets.
In France woman and man like to flirt, no matter what age.
This reminds me of another little dialogue - see next blog entry.

When I'm old, I want to live in France with E.

I want to live in France. What changed since the last time? In restaurants I said: "I'm a vegetarian. Do you have something to eat for me?" I got the best food (and not only always the same raw food like in earlier years) (I like raw food, but always the same food??????) Our trip was perfect.
E. and I agree: too short.
(I must write something so that I have an excuse to publish another picture. :) )

First working day is over

I couldn't resist to buy a red wine, green olives, dried red tomatoes and artichockes on my way home. I walked home, it quiet me.

First working day is over again. It was boring, so boring. I walked home and it was a rather long way as I had to pick up a book from a pack station. It's rather warm here and to walk was wonderful.

I still publish some pictures from France, even though I arrived in Germany already. I read "Awareness" by Anthony de Mello during my trip in France. De Mello recommends a meditation: It's not that revolutionary, I also know it from Marcel Proust, but it also opens the eyes, every time I do it.

The meditation:Imagine yourself laying in a coffin. Chose a body posture. Perhaps laying on the back is perfect or on the side, or with cross-legged. From this position life becomes an interesting meaning. It becomes clear that it will be over one time. The life. Over.

I won't stay for a second at my current job. This was different in other jobs. I'm pragmatic, very pragmatic. I won't leave the company tomorrow, but I have a deadline - the end of this year. I won't stay where I am, even this is not fair towards the people I meet there - nice people also. It's only me. I'm already somewhere else and this is it what depletes me. I want to work, but I want to work according to my own rhythm. I don't want to be prepared that someone else is always ready to jump into my neck for ugly reasons.

It's interesting, but dried red tomatoes are sweet.

I switched on Vivaldi, the four seasons. My evening: red wine, red tomatoes and Vivaldi. Perfect.

As late as possible

I leave my home as late as possible. I don't want to stay a minute longer at work than necessary. There is still 10 minutes to blog. It will be calm at work today, because boss and colleague are on a business trip (if nothing has changed). Believe me I know better places to stay during such a sunny day like today.

I will survive, nothing is for eternity.

Picture: France again, the South

On my mat in my yellow saloon

I was on my mat, even though I had to convince myself to do so. I shouldn't think every time when I have a slobby, lazy practice that this will go on like this. At least I was on my mat. Quickly I did the suryas, the standing sequence and a few forward bends, a short closing sequence. I feel better. Body became bendy.

I have the feeling that I want to clean my rooms. The windows are dirty from the winter time.

I felt cold today. I even practiced with my jacket. It was much warmer in France. The sun was shining this morning. The sun laughed into my face. But I felt cold.

My attitude today shall be a relaxed one. I've had such a good time.

What I suspected is true. I didn't gain weight. We ate three times a day, starter, main course, dessert and red wine. If I weren't convinced already, I would be it now: Quality is the key.

Picture: It is taken in Valbonne, France. It is in front of the Arab restaurant. They offered a vegetable couscous, so good.

France again

I slept well in my own bed. It's already time to get up, which I did. The hot cup of coffee is waiting for me in the kitchen. It's wonderful to travel and to be back home again is wonderful, too.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Almost midnight

I have to go to bed, I have to. I want to have a nice practice at my favourite place at home tomorrow morning.

Carcasonne, France

Carcasonne has an old castle and within this castle is a little village with - many restaurants.

Valbonne, France

Everywhere are these old houses, little restaurants are to be found everywhere.


Yoga is always on my mind. I had a 2 wonderful practices and a few slobby practices. The surrounding is important. Nice hotel - nice practice, .........

Arles, France

It is difficult to make decisions, which pictures to post from the hundreds that I made. Arles is an old village in the South of France. We were lucky that it was not the main season of the year. Then the village is full of tourists.


The smell of lavender - that's definitely the symbol of the south of France.

The markets (France)

We bought olive oil, of course, but I discovered new food as well: jam made of onions, olive paste.

2 bottles of Sautern were in our suitcases on our way back. And I bought spices.

All the food inspired me to cook again.

Croissants in bed where else

When I eat the first croissant I know that I arrived in France.

E. thought I should put the plate on the table. I think that the croissants in bed were the better place. A picture shall tell a story. These little things are so damned good, where ever they stand and where ever I ate it.

Valbonne, France

Back home. Best thing would be if I went to bed right away. But do I always do what's best?

Our French trip was an eating trip, it was relaxing, we saw wonderful villages, the sun was shining. The red wines were excellent, too.

What I take home is the experience, that food is pleasure. I often forget this and the main thought is, that food makes fat. In France the portions are small and very good. Food is something that enriches life, I won't forget this so fast.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

So hectic

I'm nervous before travelling. Have I forgotten anything? It's not a survival training in France. But I run around in my home as if it's a matter of life and death in case I forget anything. I have a checklist. Everything I need should be in my huge suitcase. It was a good decision to take the bigger one.

The first things I put into my suitcase is my yoga clothes, my journal and my mat. I also have my camera in my handbag. How exciting everything is.

No yoga today.

I have to move on, I have to be on time at work.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Let's talk about France

Tomorrow in the evening we (E. and me) will fly to Nice. We will pick up our rental car and then we'll drive 20 minutes north. There is a very nice Arab restaurant. A friend recommended this restaurant. There is a hotel there, too. We can eat and drink and then we can fall into the bed.

I like the French language, the country, the people.

I decided to take the bigger suitcase. We will have time for shopping, too.

Yoga, reading, eating, drinking, talking, taking pictures, walking hand in hand with my darling, perhaps blogging from time to time, shopping: this will be the activities till next Tuesday.

France, je viens.

8:30 p.m. and my yogi tea

I had so many plans in the morning. Pictures how I cleaned one room after the other were in my mind. Now I'm tired, even though I had a shower and this gives me a kick from time to time. But not today. No picture how I'm cleaning my rooms is now in my mind. I'm almost too lazy to go down the steps to the storage room to fetch my suitcase for my trip to France tomorrow in the evening.

How do other people handle all the stuff that must be done, I really ask me this sometimes. This treadmill must have an end better sooner than later. How often will I still write this or similar sentences?

From 4 o'clock on we had a birthday party of a very nice colleague. We were in a room that is on the roof of the building. We had a fantastic view over the city. It was wonderful. I forgot my camera today. I know where to get up to the roof now and I will take some pictures in the next weeks.

I made a yogi tea, a tea, that exists of different spices. It warms me.

Or am I only lazy?????

A moon day for me today?

Writing my morning pages I already thought: shall I practice or shall I not practice, shall I practice or shall I not practice?

After the second page, in the meantime it was 7 a.m. I stopped writing. I wanted to be on my mat, I was curious. I did not know what would happen.

The first thing I do now is the nadi exercise, stomach in. It is a wonderful way to start with the yoga practice.
Then I sat down in front of my mat, looking outside, breathing, listening to the breath. I started with a few slow surya namaskaras. Then a deep and long uttanasana. That was it. I sat down in padmasana and I wanted to breath. At first I held my arms straight, wrists on the knees, thumb touching index finger. After a while I changed this. I laid the right hand into my left hand on my lap. Then I changed the position again. I still have to find out which meditation position pleases me most, or should I think which meditation position is the most supportive.

It was sort of moon day for me today.

Yesterday was the second day with only one cup of coffee in the morning. It's very good for the body. The body does not need coffee, but water.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


The one who wrote the last comment wrote: yoga is concentration.

That's interesting. Yesterday after class I spoke with this over-zealous woman, who used to do Mysore class in a led class. She said to me after class: you are the one who practice daily. Me: yes, (it was difficult to hide a certain pride). When I remember well the Catholic sin catalogue, pride is already a sin. The woman was a bit disappointed because she missed all the maris (a,b,c,d) in class. I recommended her to do it in a self-practice. Then I added that my main problem is the concentration. I run away from the mat during my practice, I mentioned.

When I reflect on the dialogue I think that there is already a hierarchy in challenges: to do a difficult pose or to practice daily is a challenge, but to be concentrated is the challenge when you have reached floor no 2.

But true is: I see clearly that concentration is the important point, my weak point. I'm so distracted. I will work on it.

The inevitable ups and downs.... life and on the mat. Haha. It was not my best practice today, but I don't care. It was all OK. I moved my body. Worse is that my left hip hurts and probably I was too pushy with myself. These hip opening exercises must be done carefully. It's not good to force anything.

I did the suryas, the standing sequence, some back bends and a very short closing sequence. At the end I sat on my mat and I enjoyed it that I can sit so easily on the ground.

Today was the first day where it wasn't necessary to switch on the light. Spring time is coming.

I'm ready for the day now. Also today I will drink water and no coffee. This was so good yesterday. I will repeat this.

Yesterday I thought that I do not have the problems that I like. But which problems do I like? (It seems to be inevitable that they arose from time to time.) I do not like health problems, of course not. I don't like to have problems with my boyfriend. Serious money problems are not good as well. Perhaps I have the best problems, that I can have: a few issues on the job. What's that? That's nothing. Just a thought.

Monday, March 05, 2007

On coffee

I need more energy. That's why I stopped drinking coffee at work. Instead I had a bottle of water on my desk today. Coffee makes addicted and it doesn't help to overcome the tiredness. It gives me a kick and soon I'm even more tired than before. Then I'm proned to fetch the next cup of coffee. It is a never ending circle.

This morning I had one cup of coffee and then water and I felt good.

I saw how the birds on my balcony drank the water out of the flower pots. They enjoy it. They lay back the little head and let the water rolling down of their throats.

Human beings are animals, too, so water is the best for them, too.

What the hell is coffee? Water is the new drink.

So good, led Ashtanga class with S.

I checked this morning who would teach Ashtanga led class at the airyoga studio: It was S. She is back from India. It was clear then that I'd put my yoga clothes into my bag. I was excited to meet her again after her long Indian trip (3 months).

After a busy working day I went to the studio. S. stood already at the reception. She saw me opened her arms, we hugged each others. It's very nice to have her back in Munich. We talked for a little while, but then the class started.

She warned us: "Since I'm back from India I'm slow," she said . And it was a really slow practice. This is demanding. We came till Janu Sirsasana C within one and a half hours. As ever she counted evenly with a calm voice. It was a wonderful class and I had an intensive practice. I had time to watch my breath and I came rather deeply into the postures.

We chatted a bit afterwards and she had the idea that I could visit her in the morning to practice together. This is something. After my trip to France we shall do this. That's great.

Today it is already late and I won't have time to do anything else, except the shower. And I want to sit a little bit next to my darling. That was it for today. Again, I need an extra 2 hours, but nobody will give this to me.

Perhaps I find 10 minutes for meditation? First the shower.

A serious practice

I was on time on my mat and practiced. I noticed that the back bends were a bit difficult today. To perform upward facing dog i.e was rather difficult, I couldn't go as deep as usual in this position. Later the bridge was difficult.

All the other poses were good. I even experienced flow, I flew from one asana to the next. Breath was there, too.

Headstand improves dramatically since I practice nadi exercise before the practice. I found a very good balance today. I could feel the difference. Bandhas are so important.

I had no lightness in my heart. I was very concentrated during my practice..........concentrated on the thought: How can I avoid to go to that job. And again: How can I avoid to go to that job. And again:................I must find a solution.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

It is done - 2nd series on Sunday

Deep Purple - "Sweet child in time" is playing in the background. Background is good. I listen to it and I made it loud. It is such an intensive song (of my early youth).

Today I fought. It was not so easy to practice. I didn't give up. I went on and on and it got better and better. Finally dhanurasana was very good. And savasana was an award for all the effort.

In the middle of my practice E.'s brother came. He picked up E. and now they are on their way to the Allianz Arena in order to watch soccer there. I'm glad that it was not an obligation to go with them. I prefer doing yoga. Really. I prefer being my own hero.

Ashtanga is a challenge, a wonderful challenge.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

My self -made dinners are simple but good

The picture is a little bit dark, but the soup was good. I wanted to pamper my darling with a self-made soup. The 3 ingredients matched very well together: leek, fennel and potatoes (garlic, salt, pepper and vegetable broth were added as spices) We opened the red wine from Israel, that E. gave me as a present when he returned from his last business trip. The soup and the wine were very good.
When my darling stops talking and when he wants to have a refill, I know that my dinner was good, even though it does not look like this.
The spoon is from my grandma, it is very old and very beautiful - a spoon with a history.

Slow and very good

Not slow, but.....
Slow and great. My practice this morning was really satisfying. I did all the asanas, I didn't omit a single one. Vinyasas were performed between sides.

I had time to hold the asanas. Of course I see that there is still a long way to go till some of these body postures will look really nice. I enjoyed the poses. I was in the poses. I was more concentrated on the bandhas than on the breath, I guess. They are equally important.

When I did ardha baddha padmottanasana I thought: Look this was also one of the asanas where I thought I will never be able to do it because my arms are not long enough. Now it is one of my favourite postures. That's really a lesson for me. It is possible to conquer mental blocks and physical specialities - in yoga and in life. Amen.

How I loved my practice today on my black sticky mat.

After savasana, I sat down in half lotus and I looked out of the balcony door. It has stopped raining. I was happy that I'm still on this earth (despite the wind, that comes sometimes from ahead. I even start having fun with it. I play, I test new behaviour, I'm more at myself than ever).

Book recommendation: Skinny bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. It is a book on vegan eating and staying slim, so please no wrong expectations.

Friday, March 02, 2007

This goes too far

After work I had to go to the boss. I make it short. I shall stay longer. On Friday I have to stay till 6 p.m. now, even though at 5 p.m. 40 hours are over. It's not that there is work that has to be done. I only have to stay at the office. I was even criticized that I go out for dinner during lunch time while my colleagues remain in front of their PCs eating cakes and sandwiches. I was told that I'm not cooperative towards my colleagues because of this. Yes, I'm so arrogant and I go out and eat a decent meal during lunch time in a restaurant. To be criticized because of this goes too far. I do not discuss these things twice. Lunch break (45 minutes) is not within the 40 hours, and I do not have to justify what I do during this time. And when I want to fuck I fuck during my lunch break. Oh my God am I angry. This is pure energy. I also must laugh, because this is all so ridiculous, almost not understandable. I read: when you start thinking that all the others are crazy, only you are on the correct path then you have found the right path. hahaha. Mixed feelings, but tendency very optimistic. I feel that I have confidence in myself, I feel centered. I have the power to move on.

I know that the work that I do there is better than average. I support the boss where ever I can, even though this is not easy, because he has no clue on accounting, but of course he has an opinion.

I get job offers from time to time. I'm interested in a job, that a friend had offered to me. It's not sure if I will get that job. If not I will search actively for something else. There is no solution at the current working place. I have to move on. This became clear for me today. That's something.

I was out with E. after work. He picked me up at the office. We had dinner at an Italian restaurant. We had wonderful spaghetti's with capers and olives and a red wine.

Later I went out again, alone. I put on a Tibetan cap, my blue jeans and a white jacket, my dark blue winter coat and my black boots - nothing else. I wanted to pick up a book at a pack station (a vegan cooking book for those readers who want to know what I read) . I walked fast and regretted that I had forgotten my camera. It was rather quite in the streets and I saw some interesting motives. I enjoyed the fresh air. I don't want to spend my time with issues, just mentioned. The test period is over at the end of March. Then notice period is a month for both sides. Now it is 14 days. I had a lot of prejudices towards that job and they all became true.

Goal NR ?????: I must find a new water source - no, I mean of course a new money source.

Friday blues

I feel exhausted. A demanding week is almost over. The current work does not give me much power, perhaps self-confidence, but no power. I can fill up my batteries, my tank during the weekend, not during working hours. (Words are taken from the automobile industry - ha ha)

My practice reflected this. Perhaps I had too much fat (Indian sauces are fat), alc (1 glass of red wine), sugar (in form of a delicious mango cream) yesterday. I'm fed up with looking for reasons, why my practice wasn't good today. It was bad, I was not concentrated, body was stiff. This is not the end of the world. Only one thing really worries me. When I have such a bad practice like today, I start thinking that it will never get better again. This worries me. But this cannot be true. I will have better practices, perhaps already this evening.

Soon B. will be back in Munich and I'm looking forward to my Mysore classes again. This gives me a kick every week.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

"Are you flexible?"

Of course I'm.

I had already bought bread and artichokes, dried tomatoes and red wine after work. But my darling wanted to go out. So we went to an Indian restaurant round the corner. That way I will never loose these 2 kilos, but it is better to have fun with 2 kilos more than to be sad and meager.

Food was good. We held hands. E. had 2 desserts. And at the end we got an Indian rum. Very special. No yoga this evening. I think consequence, discipline is very good, but it is also important to be flexible, not to be too compulsive. I had again a wonderful evening with my boyfriend, who loves me.

Office conversation

Me to my colleague: I'd really like to start working at 10:00 a.m. and........
My colleague to me: ........and you'd like to take a nap during lunch time, and in the evening you want to go home on time.

How does he know??????????????

At least I was on my mat

My thoughts during the practice: I do not make any progress, I practice too slobby.
My thoughts at the end of the practice: At least I lifted myself up into dhanurasana 3 times.

I need more time!!!!! I consider to get up earlier, 10 minutes. This should be doable. To be 10 minutes earlier on the mat and to have done the suryas till 7 a.m. could give me the feeling that I have enough time. And I will have 10 minutes more.

Do I practice so slowly? Is this the reason why I do not have enough time?

I did the suryas, the standing sequence, several backbends and a short finishing sequence with savasana at the end.

It remains to wait till it is the weekend. Then I will have enough time and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to a practice where I can do all the asanas of the series and that I can hold them as long as I like. I don't want more.

How was this with being in the here and now? I feel good now. Body might have been a bit reluctant today, but to bring it into poses was finally the best thing I could do for my little body. (Slobby or not).

Thursday: another long day before me.