Monday, December 31, 2007
This in mind I decided to go for a light Italian dinner: Winter salad with fried mushrooms on it and some peppers as a starter, noodles with a hot sauce with olives and capers then. Fruits as a dessert. We have red wine at home, but I don't need it. I bought a very little bottle of champagne for midnight. It's still part of my imagination that champagne is good at midnight, champagne and music by Johann Sebastian Bach (Brandenburg's Concerts).
Oh, my tax declaration 2006 is posted. Ha, I did it. I could open the champagne right now. Ha.
I digress. The grocery shop was crowded. People stood in long lines, some impatient, some patient. But all wanted to get the best food, the best wine, whatever this might be for everyone.
I got my best food, fresh food. I was patient and enjoyed the greed and lust for the best of the others.
Now it's time for meditation and yoga:
Today first series - humble I will do the forward bending.
Tomorrow the first day of the year I will do back bending. It's said that this is heart opening.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The body was flexible and strong, the breath was even, I experienced flow.
Only after kapotasana I cursed. Such a difficult pose.
I lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana and was even able to walk the hands to the feet a bit.
I held the poses five breaths long without cheating a bit. I'm so relaxed and hungry now.
Ohhhh, it was perfect.
I must work result-oriented now.
Till tomorrow the taxes must be ready and I have to write a letter to the landlord that I want to mail tomorrow as well.
But now I need a break. Time is running through my fingers. It's awful. It's not relaxing. But I was so lazy during the last year.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Both books are not books that I read and then I go on with daily life. Perhaps it is not a matter of choice, but I guess these books will have great influence on me. 2008 starts getting a shape.
Sometimes I'm told that I was so honest. I see this as a compliment and I like it. The thought that follows after this compliment is, if I can really be honest. So often I lie to myself and I only realize it later. My last lie lies a few posts away. I wrote that I wanted to do all the annual accounts in order to see if I'm able to do it. This is bullshit. I don't want to prove anything to anybody. Annual accounts, annual depreciation, accruals, long lists, all this bores me. That's why it will be so hard for me to go to work the next year. I have no motivation. I couldn't care less. I only fear that they want to get rid of me and that I won't have an income anymore and that worse jobs will follow. This will be a topic in 2008, too. How to go on, how to make money coming in easily? Big questions.
Yes, I go on now with my tax declaration 2006. There will be a big party when it will be done.
What am I doing? Imagine all the recommendations I will get from amazon now: You liked this or that book, you probably like this book, too.
Trying to get rid of the ego (the prison) makes me crazy. The ego does somersaults. This morning I wanted to keep my old clothes and now I want to find the truth naked. As if I have nothing else to do.
This time the shop was crowded with women who wanted to make a good buy. It's a place of trade there. Some sell, some buy, some do both.
I couldn't sell anything of my clothes. I was told that the clothes were either too old or old-fashioned. Trousers must end at the hips at the moment, no matter if this looks nice or not. How often have I seen ugly underwear only because the trousers end so early. Worse enough, when people don't care what they wear directly on their skin, but even worse not to care to show it.
I'm perhaps not such a fashion freak. I know what's nice for me. Petite as I am it's good to wear uni colors, short jackets, cool pastel shades, only to mention some of the rules I take into consideration when I buy something new. It's not easy for me to find clothes that fit, but when I find something I fall in love with I have it often years, sometimes decades. This has advantages. I'm not dressed like everybody. Oh, and this is so important. :)
On my way home I considered to sell my clothes at EBay. "Do I really cling that much on that old clothes", I asked myself. I want to get rid of my opinions, my past, my convictions, my hopes, how shall this happen when I'm not able to let go of an old Burberry with coffee spots on it. I was in front of the Pinakothek when I found a garbage basket. There I slowly threw away all these old clothes. I felt lighter afterwards. This process must go on.
But I ironed, I did the laundry and I have to go on with these tasks. It's important to do these other tasks too. I cannot decide if this is an excuse for my laziness. But I'm glad that things get done.
It's cold and sunny here. I must go out to sell clothes. Space clearing process goes on. I must clear my soul and I must clear my rooms. Not much is needed.
Friday, December 28, 2007
But now I have 4 days off in a row and I must care for my own things. I must forget this employee thing. Better than ever I arrive in the present, when I want it. I want to drink a cup of tea, I will take a bath and then my long weekend starts. Yes.
The first thing I do in the morning now is to turn on the heaters. It's cold here. Then I make my coffee. The second cup of black coffee is next to me now. It warms me.
Morning pages: There is so much to write at the moment.
I thought about likes and dislikes this morning. A few months ago I still thought that likes and dislikes per se are part of the own prison, a limitation. Now I would say, it depends.......I can retrace that likes and dislikes always remain. With the process of awakening they might get another meaning. They might become less a means to distinguish from others i.e. (i.e. drinking Bordeaux instead of an ordinary glass of beer), but more what they are, likes and dislikes, nothing more without additional meaning. Likes and dislikes might change, give some pleasure or not, but are not overfreighted with feelings that have nothing to do with it.
Meditation: It's the rare time without distraction. When I meditate I'm only with me, no music, everything is quite even me, I sit calmly on my cushion. It's so nice, I enjoy this.
But then I felt the urgent need to fold clothes. Aggression came up. When I get aggressive, I often think that it is a luck, because oppressed aggression leads to depression. So glad that I'm not depressed. Only a few suryas were possible today. Then I was fed up with yoga, or was I only tired, desperate because nothing makes sense? Everything in vain?
(I don't want to blame others for my feelings!)
There won't be much time to think today, no much time for feelings. I will have to work like crazy today. But it's Friday. Then I will have a few days for me, which I have to fill with work, too. But at least I will have time to do what must be done. Lighthearted I want to step into the New Year.
How fast feelings change, I feel relaxed, and I'm looking forward to my breakfast.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
No blogging for now. I want to read, I have to shower, and I have to go on with my own taxes and accounting. Yes.
At 5 I got up, wrote 2 morning pages, started meditating. After 10 min I interrupted my sitting meditation and I went to bed again. I was too tired to do anything. The 1 hour in bed was relaxing, I even slept a bit.
The day today will be awful, I'm tired. I think: I want to sleep, I want to sleep, I want to sleep. But I just fetched another cup of black coffee.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
There is a bit time left to reflect on the day, to make some plans for tomorrow.
It's a working day for me tomorrow. I want to get up at 5, this means I have to go to bed at 10.
But now I have to reconstruct everything. Progress can be seen already. But now I see that I'm missing two important forms from the tax office. This means I cannot go on, I cannot finish this work. This makes me crazy. Perhaps I find the forms on the net. Ha, good idea.
2006 is over, I want to finish it, too, and I want to finish it today.
P.S.: Oh, the net is great, I found the forms, I can go on.
P.S.2: It's 4:40 p.m. and I can see the whole desaster. I seem to have done nothing since August 2006. All the papers/invoices are on my desk. It's awful, and I cannot blame anybody but myself for this nightmare now. I give me a break and then I have to go on, I accomplished already much. So, this shall be my motivation.
P.S.3: It's 7:00 p.m. and I do not find all bank statments. It drives me crazy.
P.S.4: It's 7:20 p.m. and I found relevant bank statments. :)
I gathered everything. No wonder that I'm confused now.
It's time to get rid of everything: as a symbolic act, I will throw out things that I have here. I have a mess here.
Till now I profit from the knowledge that I have learned in that workshop, from books and from a course that lasted more than a year. I use the techniques of NLP in interviews, when I want to sell something, when I speak with "difficult" people, or when I want to see another perspective for myself, when I want to lift up my mood and and and.
The first thing NLP teacher tell, is that people make for themselves a map of this world (via the senses), but this map is not the world itself. This map can be changed for the better. Many mental techniques are available to do it. I proved these techniques as rather effective. The map gets better, but it remains a map.
From a spiritual standpoint this is a way to make the prison more comfortable. Enlightened or awake people have left the prison behind, might it be awful or even cosy. That's the goal. The doors shall be open.
To let the prison (the Ego) behind me, in order to see the Truth, this can be a modest goal for the year 2008.
By the way, my prison is rather comfortable.
And this exciting travelling started with the wish to get the leg behind the head.
"Bingo" I screamed when I saw my fire red, soft bathrobe. I loved it from first sight. It's so nice on the skin and the color is perfect, too.
This wonderful present shall initiate the space clearing process. The flat and the mind needs decluttering. I'm going to throw away the old bathrobe. It's only a start. Many things will follow. I must be radical.
The bathrobe was my mother's idea. She always know what others like. :)
The CD helped me to breathe evenly, it helped me to hold the poses for 5 breaths. After marichyasana b I switched off the CD, I need more time for marichyasana c and d and for supta kurmasana. I held the last poses rather long in order to relax and to go deeper into these poses.
It was wonderful, I enjoyed the practice.
Yesterday I searched the net for a picture of Jed McKenna. I found one. I knew that he would be a good-looking guy. And he is a damned handsome guy - a sunny boy. What a surprise - he has already written a third book: It's called "Spiritual warfare". What a title.
At first I sat in lotus pose. After a while my feet felt cold. I started counting my breath. Till 10 I counted then I opened my legs. 16 min I was in lotus pose, then I opened my legs and observed the pinholes and how my feet got warm again.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
And now I feel reluctance to do yoga. I have still so many things to do. But Sharath will help me, I will switch on the CD by him. What a gift.
It's freezing cold here.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
For me magazines on photography and yoga and vegetarian food, clothes and a candle.
For my mother I found a nice swatch watch.
Now I have to knit so that my father's socks grow.
I'm sure that everybody will be happy with the gifts this year. :)
Sometimes I ask myself how others manage their lives. We are a couple with no kids, we have almost no duties. We only do our jobs and we have some personal things to do. We do not have intensive hobbies or too many friends. Nothing alike. OK, I'm fully responsible for all the chores, but this other people have to do as well. Why is it so difficult for me to manage everything.
Breakfast now, some more chores, knitting and then I will have time for yoga. I can practice in the afternoon as well. It shows that I'm flexible.
I feel full of energy, mood is best.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Boss fears that I won't be able to do the job, to meet the deadlines and I fear this, too. Hahaha.
We have so much in common. I try to give him some hope. How I'm able to do this? I don't know.
OK, I worked till 5:30, I was one of the last who left the company (even big big boss went home earlier). I'm not proud of being so long in the company. I MUST get faster.
On my way home I spent my money on perfumes. One is called Zen by Shiseido. The other one is by Jil Sander - women IV. I like them both.
E. is already on his way home. I'm alone at home. I have a lot of work here. Oh, so much work.
Work, work, work, everything is work.
Tomorrow I have a day for me, only for me. This is a gift from heaven.
The question of the day: Do I have any influence on my walk of life, my fate or is everything clear and predetermined already?
Result: I didn't practice. To think is dangerous. It often leads to nothing.
I sat. But I wanted to meditate. 18 min I sat in lotus pose today. This gave me a feeling of success, of having accomplished something. 18 min. Then I opened my legs, blood was running through my legs again, but no pinholes today. When the 20 min were over I was almost a bit sad.
Christmas presents: I have not yet wrapped up E.'s Christmas present. I have no paper either and today he will drive home. I won't have an opportunity to pack it. He: It doesn't matter. Oh, how wonderful. No stress.
Back hurts. This tells me something. I must take care of myself.
Construction ahead: The past and the future does not exist. The future is a construction of the mind. This becomes clearer and clearer for me. I'm not yet laid off.
How is the here and now? I feel cold.
Richard Sylvester's book is great. He writes about something that cannot be described: enlightenment or the disappearance of the person. He is able to do it within a few pages (100 something, but the letters are large) . Here a few topics, I can remember:
Our mind works like this: 1000 hours of meditation and then pang, you have it: happiness all the time or enlightenment or...... This won't happen. Consequence - all the spiritual practices might lead to some nice experiences, but not to satori, the disappearance of the person, the end of seeking.
Something else was interesting for me, too. Equanimity, not being touched by anything won't happen either. Feelings come and go, likes and dislikes will remain as well. Neurotic feelings will disappear. This is i.e. feelings of guilt, shame, fear. The book is interesting. Read it.
Do I want to get enlightened now? Have I found something new, a new goal? No, please not. I'm busy enough.
I had the feeling of having time this morning. It's Friday, weekend is coming. Nothing to fear, nothing to complain. Everything is OK.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
It's to be organised well. To work concentrated. To stay relaxed.
I want to work 5 hours a day (and not 10). Point. I'll work on that challenge - next summer.
By the way: I'm only a bit overstretched form the108 sun saluts.
Somehow it's a challenge the job and I want to see if I can do it. But today it was again too much.
At home I searched my pin for the pack station. The second book by McKenna arrived. I walked to the pack station and fetched the book. On my way home I stopped at McDonald's. I was as hungry as a wolf. The pommes with ketchup and the Coca Cola are very good there.
At home again I put my business clothes on the hanger. I want to have it comfortable at home.
Time to shower. Oh, no. I want to have more time.
I meditated. Lotus pose is the best pose to sit. I sat 13 min in that pose before I looked at my watch the first time, then I sat another 4 min before I opened lotus pose. Pinholes were felt then. This were more the formal aspects, which are important, too. Look, how quite you can sit, I thought, there is nothing to worry about. (I worry about my job at the moment, I'm so overwhelmed and I doubt, if I'm able to do it.)
I could sit quite, I breathed, emotionally I was quite, too. The paradise is now, here and now. I sat and breathed evenly. And then the 20 min were over. But meditation will go on. I will observe struggling U., who wants to become relaxed.
Work: I have to interrupt the thinking circle: I'm not able to do the job, I'm not able to do the job and so on. I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed.......Instead of looking for solutions, instead of working, I repeat my desperate mantras. It has started, that I feel how stressful it will become.
I have to stay cool, I have to trust myself.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
S. led us (5 woman) perfectly. I didn't have to count by myself. S. used a mala with 108 beads.
Then S. said: this is the 30. sun salutation. I thought I did already 200. I almost laughed out loud. 30 I thought, and we want to do 108. ????? OMG.
My face relaxed. I didn't think a lot. I tried to do the sun saluts correctly in order not to injure me. Flow was experienced. It helped me to do the whole thing. It was not that easy. Savasana was great at the end.
At the end I wanted to pay, but S. insisted that this was my Christmas present. So sweet. A wonderful present: 108 sun salutation.
Decision is made: no yoga tomorrow, it's my personal moon day tomorrow.
But I will meditate and I will write my journal.
I want to sleep.
Sitting: During sitting I had a lot of dialogues with colleagues, with bf, with whomever. Dialogue means I'm talking and the other person has to listen. I even reacted emotionally as if all this were true. But that's the learning process, I thought. Thoughts are not reality. This must be seen. I was sitting alone in the middle of my warm room. No reason to worry about, no reason to show feelings or whatever. Nobody was around me, to whom I could talk. It' so easy to confuse reality with the movies, dialogues, feelings the mind produces.
The challenges of the job come later. Now I sit here, blogging, sipping my black cup of coffee.
My invented dialogues are not reality. When the invented dialogues are not reality, what else is not reality?
Yoga: It was good even it was not good. I practiced, this was good. It was a rather sloppy practice and I was distracted, this was not good. I'm not excellent every day. Is this something I should criticize? I don't think so. I lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana, I could touch the finger tips when I was in supta kurmasana, I did garbha pindasana and I could hold my ears in that pose. That's something. Discontent I is always awake. Perfection is imagined and compared with humble reality. (Oh, an imagined perfect urdhva dhanurasana can never compete with my real urdhva dhanurasana. I forgot it for a fracture of a second.)
Yes, my back hurts again. Too much work. Too long in the same position. I pay attention that I'm in an upright comfortable position at work, but it didn't help that much. I must trust myself, that I will be able to do the job. I want it.
"Darling (kiss, kiss), it's 6, you wanted to get up." "Give me another little hour."
I'm so curious - 108 sun salutations this evening. Ha.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
That's what Richard Sylvester told in his book. He was at a workshop and at the end the Tony Parsons (author and enlightened) hugged him with the words mentioned above.
The EGO shall die. All what we like about us. It's a bloody fight McKenna wrote in his book.
PS: never say the above mentioned good-bye wish to an ordinary mortal. He might kill not only your ego. At least it can create some trouble for your ego in case you still have one.
What is better now is the seat. After 13 min I looked the first and last time at my watch. Then I opened the lotus pose. It was easy to sit that long. Nothing hurt or was uncomfortable.
Yoga: I thought the entire time of my 108 sun salutations tomorrow. Will it be difficult? Will I count correctly? How will it be? I will be able to answer this questions tomorrow late in the evening. I practiced and this is what counts. I needed breaks, but I stayed on the mat. I even did urdhva dhanurasana. I want to loose the respect of this pose.
Dialogue with bf:
Me: When shall I wake you up tomorrow?
He: At five.
Me: I do not wake you up at five, you never get up. What about six?
He: Yes at six.
This morning I interrupted my yoga after the suryas. I gave him a lot of kisses on his cheek to give him the feeling that it is a wonderful day.
Me: Darling it's six o'clock. You wanted to get up.
He: Yes, I get up.
That's the last sentence I have heard so far.
It's seven now. He is still in bed. He looks so sweet when he is sleeping.
Monday, December 17, 2007
During lunch time I bought toothpaste, shampoo.
Then I went on with the work. At 5 I couldn't go on. I went home.
Bf was at home today, busy with his tax declaration. I know him as a hungry wolf. On my way home I bought delicious food (artichokes, mango lassie, fresh bread, Lebkuchen, red wine). We had dinner together, but I'm still exhausted.
I will go to bed early. So much work is waiting here, too. I will knit a bit. This shall be my evening meditation.
And finally this activity shall make me know "The Truth"? Let's see. At the moment this activity shows me that my thoughts and feelings are not the truth. They are really only thoughts that come and go. Arbitrarily. When I do not focus on something special it's always a surprise what comes up and it has nothing to do with the current situation, that I sit on my cusion in the middle of the room.
Yoga started relaxed and slow. The breath was deep. I had no time to do all the asanas. But I did all the monster asanas:
Marichyasana c and d
Supta kurmasana and urdhva dhanurasana.
I could bind the maris and supta kurmasana, but couldn't hold the wrist, the bow of urdhva dhanurasana was a modest one. Who cares. To do these poses means to loose the respect and bit by bit they will become easy. And one day I will say: That's nothing. :)
This reminds me of another asana: garbha pindasana. I used to think about this pose, that this is one of those that I won't be able to do (too short arms). Yesterday and today I could put my middle fingers on my ears. This is how the pose is supposed to be. To think something is not doable is a limitation created by the own mind. Not everything is possible, but much more is possible than I think. Perhaps it makes sense to generalize this. When I can do garbha pindasana, I can also do the tax declarations.
What will be possible today??? - More than I believe???
Schedule of the week is thight, but with much fun and much duties. Highlight will be the 108 sun salutations at S.'s home on Wednesday.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Sometimes I dream that I sit comfortably on my sofa and I say to myself self-contented:
Now everything is done, what has to be done. (Guess this won't happen so fast)
I'm so sure a higher consciousness, an awaken state of being or even enlightenment won't help me to handle the daily, weekly tasks. Perhaps I take it easier then. Handling daily challenges I need another solution.
I must simplify my life.
I must attack these daily tasks faster.
And now I'm going to read a book by an author, who is supposed to be enlightened and wrote about it. The English title of the book is "Hope you die soon", by Richard Sylvester. This book shall be funny - English humor.
At 10 p.m. I will switch off the lights.
And what will happen tomorrow???
And she was right. When I doubt now if the colors are nice, I think, but for a man they are good. E. liked the colors at once. Then my father will like it, too. The color is not so important for him, he likes self-made socks because they are warm.
Yoga was slow, slow, slow. This time I can blame my bf for the interruptions. Was it really necessary to ring the bell when he came back from the bakery? I just was in salamba sarvangasana. It's so nice to feel my energy when things like this happen. Faster than ever I can abstract from the event and I can feel the energy, that is neutral. It can be used for what ever I like.
Body felt, yes, old today. As long as I go on with my practice, everything is OK, I thought. It's always up and down. Only to stop practicing is a sign that I gave up, but never a practice that is not so good.
I have energy now to do all the chores and paper work I have to do. I needed that lazy day yesterday, I'm recovered.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Attentive readers might already suspect it: tax declaration 2006 is not yet done. I needed a day off. It was nice and relaxing to knit, to meet B. and to do nothing. I need that, too. Time to go to bed. I know what I have to do tomorrow.
So much reluctance. I must look at it.
Before sleeping I will imagine how beautiful it looks when I sort all the invoices and when I fill in the tax declaration. It will be an exciting movie. I will learn how much money I earned in 2006. Perhaps I get money back what is likely to happen. It will come to an happy-end finally. Ohhh.
Finally I switched on the radio and I practiced. I couldn't hear my breath due to the sound, but at least I practiced. Breaks happened. A lot of breaks. Several times I left the mat, but I returned and went on. And then flow was there again. I started loving my body, I loved it that I can do so many poses.
I didn't omit one single asana.
I don't want to omit something in life, too:
Longing, love, desperation, hope, tiredness, energy, satisfaction, curiosity - I don't want to omit a single feeling.
Reluctantly I have to do my tax declaration 2006 now. Hough. I have spoken. Hough.
So many other project must be finished this weekend, too. I'm sloppy with my morning routine. No yoga, no meditation so far. I walk around in my yoga clothes - that's it and in my mind is breakfast (sunflower bread with apricot jam).
A list, I need a list:
-tax declaration 2006
-cleaning all the rooms (all)
-letter to the landlord to inform him about the broken water meter
- grocery shopping and Christmas shopping
-writing some emails
-yoga and meditation
Friday, December 14, 2007
I watched my mind movies, got back to the breath, watched again the mind movies. It was one of the meditations that makes me go on.
But I didn't go on with my yoga practice afterwards. After a few suryas I gave up, even though it would have been good for my back to practice. My back needs special care and love at the moment. It's Friday, I think, but this is an excuse. Lazy I won the battle.
I'm so glad, that it's the last working day of this week. I should go on time to go to a yoga class. That's something to look forward to.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Life bands played good music afterwards, but I have priorities. I thought of my practice in the morning. And finally I left the party rather early. Before midnight I was in bed and today I got up at 5. Yes, good.
I was focused on my practice, no breaks. I wanted to use my time and not to waste it. I gained weight. It's horrible for me. I really will pay attention not to eat too much. These parties are not good for the body. At 6:30 I interrupted my practice, my first and only break. I had to call E., who is Sweden now. He emailed me to wake him up. I know at once when I hear his voice if he has had a good evening or not. He had a good one. Remembering his voice, I'm not at all sure if he got up after my phone call. I told him about our Christmas party. Then I found the way back to my mat. A quick closing sequence followed - that was it. I'm looking forward to an intensive practice on the weekend.
Relaxed in the here and now, so I will live my day.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
I folded clothes. I loved it. I made the bed, I loved it.
Breakfast, yes, breakfast, I want to eat a slice of sunflower bread with apricot jam.
Christmas party this night - it will be again a very long day.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I summarize: He was great, I was great. Even laughter happened easily, naturally. Very relaxed everything, but serious, too. I get a further education in VAT. That I shall become faster was more a help, so that I won't have so much stress in the beginning of the year, when the annual accounts must be done. It was a supportive conversation. I think he is a good leader, really. (Everybody, who can lead me is a good leader. :))
Ahhh, the bath, so hot, so good, so relaxing. I didn't like music, I wanted silence.
Tomorrow is the Christmas party of the company. Everyday something else. Ah, the here and now. Ahhhh.
Yesterday in the evening I wrote a good-night email to my bf, who is again on a business trip, this time in the Netherlands. This morning I found an answer in my inbox: .........please wake me up at six. .................From the moment on when I've read this I feel responsible that I wake him up and that he gets up. At 6 a.m., it's exactly after my suryas, I interrupted my holy yoga practice and called him. He has switched off his mobile phone. No way to wake him up.
This are the moments where I can shoot him to the moon. But faster than ever I enjoyed the energy that I feel in such moment. Oh, how much energy I have, I think, and I love it. What an opportunity to observe what outside events still can do to me. The event has no meaning.
And today: At first I wanted to write, that I get judged today. But this is not correct. Nobody is interested in me, but in my work. And by the way - who am I? Pure consciousness. hahaha. And this cannot be judged. What an opportunity again to observe.
At breakfast I ate the hard slice of bread from the day before yesterday. It was hard. But not hard bread is hard, no bread is hard. I put margarine and apricot jam on it. Delicious.
PS: Just got a phone call from E. The battery of his mobile phone doesn't work anymore. He is already on his way to Norway. He got up on time. The wake-up service at the hotel was reliable.
And now I have to hurry - I have to work.
Monday, December 10, 2007
It was an intensive practice. We held the poses rather long, I felt the edges and went behind them. I'm curious how I will feel tomorrow. Now I feel great.
Work: Tomorrow I will have the annual review. I forgot it, we had better topics to talk about, S. and me after the yoga class: yoga, and the yoga community, India, attitudes towards life. :)
Regarding the review - I fear the worst. Or should I write that I'm thankful for another opportunity where I can test how detached I can be. I think, it's not important, isn't it?
Tired, but before I will sleep, I will read a bit.
But first some words on meditation: I'm still struggling with some formal issues - the seat. I start now with lotus pose. After 13 min I unfolded the legs. This was the longest time that I was in that pose easily so far. It was a quite session.
Ashtanga yoga: It was good to stretch the body, to do these asanas. There was not enough time for every asana, but I did supta kurmasana and urdhva dhanurasana. I was not unhappy about urdhva dhanurasana. I stretched the legs, I stretched the arms and I held the pose for several breath. It's a pose that needs patience and endurance.
This evening I will go to a yoga class and then I will have a drink with S. I'm looking forward to it. This saves my day.
Attitude of the day: focus, focus, focus, observing what is, not being detached and again observing. I want to wake up. I want to live before I die.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
It was reading time. This book by Mc Kenna will become a milestone on my way to wake up. Oh, how much I wish to say one day "I'm through". I'm not yet through the soap opera called life, but I see a glimpse on the horizon that shows the path. I take myself and all the things that happen much too seriously till now. That's for sure.
He is an excellent narrator, this Jed.
The outcome of being enlightened is to wake up and not to become a better person or a balanced person. To know the truth is the outcome. To know what is false and what is true, to know oneself is the outcome at the end the path.
Regarding McKenna being detached is a by-product of the awakening process, but not the first goal.
It's so difficult to write down what I've read so far. Read, it's a recommendation.
I was out with E. We were at an Italian restaurant. Food was very good as usual.
Me (on our way home): 2 sleeping people were out for dinner.
He: You should have talked on mathematics with me.
2. healthy food, no drugs, a slim body
3. enough sleep and a schedule that allows to have enough time
4. to observe the rules: doing udjyaiy breathing, using the bandhas, being conscious
6. to trust the body
7. to enjoy the practice, to have fun
It's time now for some spiritual reading: Jed McKenna - spiritual enlightenment - the damnedest thing.
And then I will attack the most interesting task of the day - my own tax declaration 2006.
Second series is as demanding as first series. How I like challenges.
Kapotasana: I found a very good approach to that pose. I lie down on the floor and lift myself up. I try to walk my hands closer to the feet and this I could do today. Oh, my hands are far away from my feet and the body is only a few inches away from the floor, but it's an approach that helps me to progress.
Dwi pada sirsasana: I have not yet found an approach to that pose. I can deepen yoga nidrasana and eka pada sirsasana, but that was it. I tried to put 1 leg behind my head while lying on the floor. Then I changed legs. Perhaps all these exercises will allow me one day to do dwi pada sirsasana.
To take the leg behind the head gets easier, even though I have to hold it with my hand. Or was it so "easy" today, because it was just a good day. I held almost all the poses longer as usual. I enjoyed them. I also trusted my body. But today I could live my ambition without the danger of injuring myself.
Tittibasana was weak, very weak, but I indicated it and I didn't omit it.
I tried pincha mayurasana, parighasana, gomukhasana and supta urdhva pada vajrasana.
Last but not least I wanted to do urdhva dhanurasana. 3 times I lifted my body up and walked my hands a bit to the feet. I felt that the bow was good. I'm still far away from standing up from this pose, but I have the patience. I just don't want to injure myself.
Finally I was happy in savasana: wet, exhausted, healthy.
Bf comes later as promised and I get angry, I couldn't finish my work, I feel fear to loose my job, I get a present and I'm happy. This is my prison. Behaviour, feelings are predictable, learned and not at all reasonable or even useful. (This is the theory, that I have read in many books and I found it to be true.)
Meditating I try exactly the opposite. There is an "action" a thought for instance and I try not to react, but to observe it and to let go. Itching is felt somewhere on the body and I'm supposed not to react. The itching shall disappear after some time and most of the time it is so.
What happened today during my meditation session: I scratched, when I felt itching. Then my lower back (ass) became cold and I warmed it with my hands. At the end of the session my legs got numb and I gave them a quick (very quick) massage. And I was not really detached when I thought that I haven't done yet my tax declaration.
There were a few breaths where I thought nothing, but soon a thought showed up again: "What? I'm only breathing without thinking? That's not possible."
And now I feel pinholes on my legs.
It seems to be a long way to break out of the prison action-reaction. To see meditation under this aspect makes it revolutionary for me.
Am I a revolutionist when I meditate? Let's break all the rules. Let's meditate.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Spirituality: I don't believe it, but I started with meditation. It's humble, very humble, but these 20 min every day are worth doing. To be detached, to observe what happens add new qualities to my life.
I have many plans for the next year. To live, not to dream is so important.
I can develop a stable attitude towards it: I can observe it, instead of being attached to it. I can enjoy it, because each feeling is a possibility to learn something about me. Feelings show me that I'm alive. I can know that each and every feeling is not for eternity. Attitudes and thoughts can be stable, but not feelings.
The breath accompanied my practice - deeply and even.
For me it's true: as soon as I have some pounds more an my ribs and this is the case at the moment, the practice gets more difficult. Then I'm no more able to catch the wrist in mari c and d. So, I will have to work on my weight, too. It's only 4 pounds that I want to loose.
Urdhva dhanurasana: Yes, this was good. I lifted myself up 3 times and the arms were stretched in the pose. It gets better this demanding back bending.
Focus was there, fun too. I enjoyed the practice.
There is no way to go on after the middle part of the first series in order to do half of second series. After the middle part of the first series I'm done. I'm still too weak for further asanas. I'm glad when dhanurasana is done and when I can relax in salamba sarvangasana.
I enjoyed savasana. After a while I turned to the right and what did I see? I found my red earring under the Indonesian chest. What a nice surprise at the end of a wonderful practice.
Thoughts came up: "Am I tired?" - "A thought". "How long will I be able to hold lotus pose?" "A thought." "I still think that I'm supposed to do so many things, instead of wanting it". "A thought." "I must write my book." "A thought." "When will it be over this session?". "A thought." "It must already be 15 min that I sit." And I got back to the breath all the time. "How will be my yoga today." "A thought."
Then my legs got numb. I unfolded them and could feel how the blood was running into the legs. I looked at my watch - 15 min have passed. I thought that this was rather good, but nevertheless I was astonished that it wasn't later. It felt as if I got pinholes, when I had unfolded my legs. "Observe it." "Don't move." "A thought." "When will it be over?"
Movements and scratching happened, too.
And then it was over. "What, it's over already," I thought.
Friday, December 07, 2007
It seems to be incredible difficult for me not to scratch me, not to move at all.
I have a new challenge now. It's very difficult, too, but doable. I don't want to look at my meditation clock anymore. 4 or 5 times I look at that clock during meditation. I'm so easily distracted.
I meditated 15 min, then I stopped, but within these 15 min I didn't look at the watch. I got tired. That's perhaps a reason why I stopped. Eyes were closed finally and I almost slept. That's no meditation anymore I thought. Tomorrow I will put my clock behind me. Let's see how this will be.
Just to sit can be so incredible difficult. I was rather quite this evening. As soon as I sat on my cushion, emotions came up. Intensive emotions. It made me smile. That's why I sit. I want to have a quite place inside me, that is able to observe, no matter what happens. "It's a thought", I thought. It makes no sense to sit on the mat and to discuss with the bf that we need a new mattress.
I prefer challenging work than boring work, that's for sure. This and the next year I will have to go to my limits, that's for sure, too.
But now it is weekend. And here I find a lot of work on my desk, too. I have to tackle it. Best would be if I started this evening.
Bf is still in London, so I have time.
Oh yes, I had time for my meditation practice.
And there was time for 3 cups of coffee, the last one is still next to me.
I'm so glad that today is Friday. I must accept my limits. This week was exhausting.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
How does it look like, when I desperate? I tell everybody that it is too much for me. Not really smart. Tears appear, but I could hold them back. I think: I'm not made for a life as an employee, but I'm also not made for a life in independence. Finally I decided to leave work. I stopped at Karlsplatz Stacchus and had 2 glow wine there. That's how I live desperation.
I'm baked now. Baked from too much work.
I didn't go to the Mysore class, that would start at 8:15. I didn't like another challenge.
Now I'm at home. A day is over.
At least I get some money for all this. :) hahaha.
I will leave the house at 7, before 8 I will be at the company. As I have to accomplish a lot I plan to stay longer. Tomorrow is Friday and on Friday the employees leave the company rather early at 4 p.m. or 5 p.m.. It will be very difficult to stay very long tomorrow. So it will be today that I will work longer. As my back starts hurting again, I plan to work till 7 p.m and then I will go to a Mysore class at 8:15 p.m. I'm not sure if I will be able to do all this. I needn't to forget the breaks, but let me see what is doable today. I'm very much in the here and now at the moment (not so much daydreaming) and this is good. Life can only be lived now.
It was interesting to hear that P., who works as an accountant, too, has fears at work too. Fears to make a mistake. Our accounting rules and tax laws are too many and too complicated. That's it.
I feel ambition, I want do a good job and I want to stay. It's a challenge.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
My colleagues are very supportive, that's wonderful. I had another intensive working day. I get ambitious again. These annual accounts must be doable. It will be incredible much work, but today I was looking forward to it. It's a challenge.
In the evening I met P.. We had so much to talk. She is a such a nice friend. I enjoyed it to be with her and to know her.
And now I have to go to bed. No yoga tomorrow, but of course sitting meditation.
I let spread this feeling of "I have to do nothing, I can let go" over my yoga practice. The "I must" disappeared and it was substituted by "I want".
I wanted and I did focus on upward facing dog. I tried to put my shoulders back and keep my feet stretched.
I didn't omit an asana, not even janu sirsasana b and c. I cannot and I don't want to omit something in life, too. Everything is part of life also the not so pleasant events and feelings. Would I really want to miss something? I don't think so. Imagine, all people would know what sadness is, only I wouldn't have experienced it. No, that wouldn't please me either.
To observe and to accept what is, is a good attitude also for today. I will observe how I will handle stress and too much work. :)
What else: these damned Christmas calender - I gained 2 pounds.
And: This evening I will meet P.. What a joy. We'll meet at a Christmas market downtown. Glow wine season is opened here.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I'm alone at home now, what I enjoy. E. is playing soccer and this is good for him.
Sitting: I'm still not really happy with my seat. At first I sit with crossed legs, legs lie next to each others. Then I switch to lotus pose. But this is an interruption. I will try to start with lotus pose, holding this pose longer and longer till I can be in that pose for 20 min. Then I can focus better on what this exercise is - a mental exercise.
A lot of thoughts came up, not always I was detached. But as fast as the thoughts come, as fast they go and the next mental movie starts.
Yoga: It started auspicious, but I got weak and weaker. The will to do this practice disappeared and my lazy "I" got stronger and stronger. Sloppy I went on after ushtrasana. Savasana was good again. When I finally laid on my right side I feared that I would stay there for the next hour.
What else: I want to hibernate in the company I work for. Ha. I will see all the things that happen as a spiritual exercise. It's really a chance to see how much energy I have, if I'm able to be detached, how concentrated I'm able to work. It's a possibility to be in the here and now. I meet people.
So I will do today, what I did all the other days and what must be done: I will earn some money in order to survive.
Monday, December 03, 2007
I enjoy my ginger tea now.
And then I have to work on my own accounting.
Will I have time for some yoga poses? I don't think so. But I will write the "reflexions of the day". That's for sure.
Yoga: Here familiar thoughts came up, too: Will I ever progress? This thought I know already. Oh and how serious I take this thought, even though I should know it better. I progressed already. Slowly, very slowly, but I progress.
There was no time for all the asanas today. My breath was deep and long and this needs time. My focus was to keep the feet stretched when doing upward facing dog. I lifted myself up into urdhva dhanurasana - 3 times. Wow.
I also remembered the workshop by BBB (Ms Bench). She asked us why we were doing yoga. She wanted us to ask: because we want to get to know ourselves.
Now I ask myself the question again: Do I get to know myself while doing yoga? I'm disciplined, I do yoga every day, but I'm not at all disciplined in everything. I'm easily distracted. This I can observe in many areas of my life. I'm ambitious regarding my yoga, but I cannot say that I'm always ambitious.
Generalisations never mirror the whole truth. My conclusion: when I observe myself doing yoga, I can get knowledge about myself how I am when I'm doing yoga. I see how I can be, but these behaviours, attitudes needn't to spoil or support my whole life.
Attitude for today: To observe what will happen and not to take it too seriously. In 5 years (perhaps already in 1 month) I won't remember this day anymore.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
My thoughts also circle around the next year and what I want to accomplish. To make it short: I want much more money and much less work. And this must be doable. Ha.
I want to be in bed on time, this is the preparation for a good practice tomorrow morning. And I need this yoga practice, work is so demanding. Yes, work is getting tough already. I have still ambition, but it's mixed with fear and pressure. That's not a good sign. Holy Spirit wants me to do something else, I think sometimes. But what? :) Holy Spirit makes me laugh. I must trust that a solution will come.
I felt somehow tired afterwards and so I went to bed again and slept till 9 a.m. or so.
Then it was difficult to start with my yoga practice. I read in some of my new books, but to start practicing was difficult. Finally I did it and I had an intensive practice.
Second series: Yesterday the teacher told me that it was the costum to do first series and half of the second series in a row, before one starts doing second series alone. I start understanding why. It is to build strength. After pincha mayurasana I'm so exhausted, that I scarcely can go on. Today I stopped again after this pose. I added urdhva dhanurasana, which was not bad, but far away from giving me a slightest chance to stand up from this position.
I should give this approach (1st series and half of 2nd series) a chance. Perhaps the body is so soft after the first series, so that the back bending is easier. I must give it a try - next weekend. It's astonishing how demanding second series is, even though there are not so many vinyasas.
My focus today was to stretch the feet when doing upward facing dog. And I paid attention that I used the bandhas in order to protect my lower back. This seems to be very important.
I wished I would have been better, but I must accept that progress comes slowly.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
"I think the main objection to behaviorism is that people are in love with the mental apparatus. If you say that doesn't really exist, that it's a fiction and let's get back to the facts, then they have to give up their first love." B.F. Skinner. (The quote is found in the book "The Gurdjjeff Work" by Kathleen Riordan Speeth, page 56).
Most of our thinking is not seen as a limiting mostly accidental activity. We think we are what we think, it gives us identity. We overlook that our thinking can be our prison: Fears, likes, dislikes, thinking not being able to do something are good examples.
Next association is "meditation". Here I try to let go of the thoughts and that's why to meditate can be a helpful tool in freeing oneself.
We are all very much in love with our thinking, we are so proud of it, even though it is scarcely reflected. How to think - another huge topic.
Just a few thoughts, mostly read somewhere. But words can lead through the jungle of life.
I got so many inspirations and helpful feed-back:
-In upward facing dog the feet are supposed to be stretched, i.e. . I obviously don't do this. B. already draw my attention to it. I thought I corrected it already, but this seems not to be the case. Advancing in the practice the hips are supposed to be away from the floor only a few inches. Then it is important that the pose is done correctly.
-Bandhas are very important. Some yogis get lower back pain, because they do not use them when doing back bending like upward facing dog.
-Virabadrasana A is a back bending pose. I can go so much more back than I did so far.
-Sirsasana: I was recommended to hold it longer and longer till I'm up to 100 breaths. To lift up the head for 10 breaths is a good preparation for the head stands in the second series.
-I was also shown how to jump back when in lotus pose. To accomplish this needs time, but it's a challenge for me.
The teacher is a tall and friendly man. It was a led class today, a very speedy one. Are men softer than women? The adjustments were helpful, more an indication where it shall go. I like both, hard and soft adjustments.
2 more woman exercised. They were both rather good. I don't want to hide that I was proud that I was the only student who was able to do garbha pindasana (arms stretched through legs in lotus pose, hands hold ears).
The conversation: Later I talked to one of the woman. It turned out to become a conversation about likes and dislikes. This made me smile. Since I have a good home practice, I'm much more content with classes. I always have the choice. When I do not like anything I can practice on my own. But being on my own gives me the same challenge: I'm confronted with anger, discontentment as well. This shows me that to blame others for the own feelings is a wrong interpretation and won't change anything. Especially events that makes oneself angry are the best opportunities to look into oneself and to practice independence. Here I think it starts that yoga becomes a mental practice. Here it starts getting really interesting.
Is it really a reason to get angry because super-ambitious people are practicing in the group?
Is it really a reason to get angry because poses were omitted?
Is it really a reason to get angry because the room is too cold?
Of course not.
I enjoyed the class very much.
Friday, November 30, 2007
I must trust myself that I can make a lot of money on my own. But I'm not sure if this is the right thinking. To give means to get. What can I give? That's the question.
And I also know I cannot run away from myself.
The Christmas market was a Greece restaurant. They played loud music. There was really a good atmosphere there. I enjoyed 2 ouzos and I enjoyed the people, who were in a good mood.
I mustn't forget that I want to be free, that's my ultimate goal, nothing else. I have so much fears to rely on myself only. I'm not fair, I know this.
Oh, I should write about nicer things. My colleagues have noticed that the "conversation" with the boss was not the most friendliest one, yesterday. Even though I really appreciated his approach. I love honest words. I have no bad feelings towards the situation, not at all. I digress: all my colleagues were nice to me today. I observed this with an inner smile, because I felt well all the time.
What will I do now with the remaining time? I will plan the next year. I have already started. It's fun to plan.
Then I prepared my breakfast, banana with soy yogurt and another cup of coffee. I sat on my black mat and ate. I like it to sit on the floor. When I sit on chairs I have most of the time my legs crossed on the chair. Who invented chairs?
Pick nick on my mat was nice. I read a bit. And soon time was over.
Plan for today:
-I have to work rather intensively in order to accomplish what I have to. I need endurance.
-In the evening I will go to a huge Christmas market with E.. We will have dinner there. For me it will be Falafel. And of course the Glühwein season will be opened for us. At least one of this beverage I want to have each year.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Meditation was something I'd name meditation. I sat on the floor on my cushion and breathed. Thoughts came and disappeared, while I was observing the theatre. Inside I was calm.
Yoga was intensive. My body was flexible. Any highlights? No, I don't think so. After yoga nidrasana I get weak. That's my limit. I have almost no strength anymore to do tittibasana. I gave my body a break re urdhva dhanurasana. It was rather intensive yesterday and the body deserved it to relax. Urdhva dhanurasana is difficult in the morning.
Best of all: an Ashtanga studio opened in Munich (http://www.yogabase.de/ ). I can't believe it. I even considered to go this evening at 8:15 p.m.. If I cannot go due to my work and because it's so late I plan to go on Saturday. Last year I missed such a studio so much. This year I'm very enthusiastic about this studio, but I feel that it has no more that importance. My own practice at home flourished. I know that I will practice more often alone than in a studio. Nevertheless, I can't wait to go to the new studio. I'm curious about the adjustments of the owner. Will he have the same body feeling like B.? There is always something new to discover. :)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I wanted to forget that this was my last holiday today and I will probably have to work 10 hours tomorrow,
I wanted to forget that I wasted so much time today,
and so I practiced in the here and now, very happy. I listened to my deep even breath and that was it. It made me light-hearted, but focused at the same time.
My last Mysore class for this year was excellent. My body was soft. I could hold the wrist in mari c and d, dhanurasana was excellent, too. Six people were in class today, 2 men, 4 women. There was much energy in the room. I enjoyed every moment.
I'm very pleased that E. wants to meet me to practice in one of the yoga studios or to do something else. I like people, that's what I experienced today again. I like to exchange ideas, I like to see the self-portrayal of other people. To meet people is great fun for me.
And now I will still do some self-reflexion (how I lived my day today) and then I will go to bed. I'm so astonished how serious I take my moods and changing feelings. They still shatter me. Now I'm high. I feel good. River deep, mountain high. I'm not yet a good neutral observer, but it will come like urdhva dhanurasana, I'm so optimistic now. Haha.
Why do I damned not do what I have to do - to update my own accounting, to prepare my tax declaration. The tax office will assess me. I missed already all the deadlines. I speak of the tax declaration 2006. I seem not to be able to do it. Now I have 2 more hours today only to start. So much resistance is felt. I feel so weak towards these inner laziness.
It's my last day off for this year - and I sleep. This drives me crazy, too. Oh, how nice I feel the energy.
And now I start, I only have to start. I know, then I will go on. I know how it is. This can all not be possible. I want to shoot me to the moon, one-way ticket.
I must laugh now, but it's a desperate laugh. Enough now. I want to start. :)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I answer to myself: In order to listen to the holy spirit. I know, always these strange words. But there is an answer for all the questions - inside everybody. This I feel somehow.
This evening is party time. B. invited me to an opening of a law firm round the corner. For a long time I haven't been at such an event. The outer world has always something to distract me, some pleasures. How nice. (Holy spirit must wait. :))
Ashtanga Yoga: I started with the CD by Sharath. But as it is Tuesday today, second series day, I switched off the CD player after the standing sequence and I went on on myself.
After pincha mayurasana I had no power anymore. Also the second series is rather demanding.
I reflected how I can build more strength. I found the book by Lino Miele yesterday. It's interesting, that each pose starts with samasthiti. At the end of each pose is a full vinyasa. This would build strength. I have no time to do it during the week. It would be also too much, but I can do so on the weekends. There are always challenges.
Some frustration came up when I noticed that I was so weak.
Some frustration came up when I noticed that my leg does not stay behind my head.
"Be patient", I told me. Yoga is a mental exercise: not to give up, not to think "I will never be able to do it", to take it easy and be committed at the same time, that's it.
The body was willing to practice. What else do I wish??
Meditation: I'm still too occupied with the right seat. I did the 20 minutes.
Not to be so fast distracted, to be focused that's still my challenge.
I see that I got already better. I.e. I remember a year ago or so most of the time I wanted to practice with music. This would disturb me now. I want to listen to my breath. I enjoy the silence when I practice.