Monday, August 31, 2009
My flight to Mumbai is booked.
Without asking or searching, a room in Mumbai was offered to me, a room in a modern building close to where Ramesh holds his satsang, close to the sea. That's simply great.
I know now that my trip to India must happen now.
Like always when I travel alone a bit of fear of my own courage is felt. But my lust for adventure and exploration, my lust for life in general is greater than my worries.
The good-bye dinner with my colleagues was wonderful funny this evening. We picked up B, a friend of mine, who offered us Champagne, before we headed to the Italian restaurant. Our stories about the job are strange, but we could laugh a lot. It is easy to let go of this last job.
This thought finally convinced me to do urdhva dhanurasna after a long inner discussion. I lifted myself up 3 times, buh. Breathing. And I also managed it to drop back twice. To drop back from standing position is a mental exercise. One must have the courage to go into the unknown, one must trust oneself that one is able to hold the body with the arms so that the head won't touch the floor. When done I usually have a feeling of satisfaction. So was it today.
Difficult was also relaxing pose at the end. I had to convince myself to do it. I know very well how important it is to have a relaxed attitude towards life for the time being. To relax can be exercised. So I set my timer for 5 min and remained deeply breathing on my back on my mat.
I had time for the standing sequence and paschimottanasana today. Was I too late on my mat? Probably yes, but when alone I need more time, I practice slowly.
My last Monday today in that company. This evening is the little good-bye party. I love this.
How will be the weather today? I can see the sun.
What to dress? I don't know it yet, but I surely will put some thoughts into it.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thank you to all the Ashtangis in the room. These other yogis and yoginis gave me energy. I was so much better than I would have been when practicing alone.
I should have done so much more than I in fact did. Perhaps my to do lists are always too long.
Yes, I did yoga twice, in the morning alone on my mat and in the evening I went to a led class. Between these yoga practices, I did the dishes, I did the laundry, I ironed, I vacuumed, I wrote bills, I put things on the right place. In other words I was busy with chores.
I also learned some French words from my Engish grammar. Oh this is demanding, but good.
It's time to do some correspondence, before I have to go on ironing.
No, this is not complaining, it is as it is, all these things have to be done and I'm glad that I have so much energy that I can do this all alone. And in addition there is still time for some fun.
Lately I watched yoga movies on YouTube and I learned some tricks. But one at a time.
Pashasana: I used again my book "Flying solo", put it under my heels and hoped that I wouldn't role back. But I rolled back when I bound on the left side. I should rename my book to "Rolling solo". I repeated this pose twice, but twice I rolled back when practicing the left side. Instead of using a thicker book, I will do more often these pre-exercises, like separating the hands further from the feet when doing downward dog.
Bekasana: Only with the support of B my fingertips can touch the floor. It is a very demanding pose in my opinion.
Ushtrasana: Both hands should touch the feet at the same time. This was the intention today. This had the effect that my hips moved backwards, when I dropped back. Once the hands laid on my feet I pushed the hips forward again so that my upper legs were parallel to the wall.
Lahgu vajrasana: The trick, that helps is to seperate the knees. With knees apart and a very deep inhaling I managed it to come up without cushions under my head. I also did the variation with the support of my cushions. Today I used only 3 cushions. To make it even a bit more difficult I remained for one breath in that pose before I came up. These variations with the knees so far apart and the cushions under my head are not how it is supposed to be, but if it helps to learn this pose, why not.
I also didn't omit relaxing pose at the end. What a nervous being I am. 5 min seemed to be so long for me. Again and again I directed my mind back to the breath.
Pranayama at the end was great. After 3 min I was done with meditation. I had enough.
Oh the shower afterwards was great, especially the cold water at the end refreshed me.
My practice is still improving, I become more flexible and I gain more strength. Progress is slower these days, but I progress. This shall be a motivation for those who are not so young anymore either.
Soooooo hungry now. Buh.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I will fly back the 13rd October. The flight will departure at 4:30 a.m.. I was told that this is good because then it's more likely that I won't miss the flight because my cab driver is stuck in a traffic jam in lively Mumbai. Around lunch time I'll be back in Munich after about 12 hours of flying. This is OK, too.
On Monday I will book everything via a travel agency.
Next step will be the visa.
Then I will have to look for a hotel. For the first nights I want a good one, it should be a hotel with an email online and Internet connection..........
(I always need a little plan, a bit of orientation, a bit of the feeling it's me who is doing all this organizing stuff.)
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday evening is the little good-bye party in an Italian restaurant. My former colleague will come too. My friend B has already put some champagne into the fridge so that we can have an aperitive before our Italian dinner. We will be 7 people and I am so sure that we will laugh a lot. It is obvious now, the days in that company are counted. Yeah and Amen.
I will go soon to bed. I will get up early tomorrow morning to practice my beloved Ashtanga yoga. My yoga practice gives me a certain stability in my life. Tomorrow forward bending is on the schedule.
And tomorrow I will book my flight to India, Mumbai. How exciting.
A few years ago the first suryas were painful. This disappeared. Nowadays I feel stiff in the beginning, but the movements are no more painful. This is really great. When the first 5 suryas are done, my flat hand can touch the mat and it feels good. Friday is my forward bending day. The highlight today was uttanasana. It was relaxing to hang forward. Gravity helped me to deepen this pose. I breathed deeply and simply bent forward. It's a wonderful pose. So simple, so beautiful.
I am in peace with my modest practice today. My mind flies away these days. Thoughts are in Mumbai already, next second my thoughts circle around the little good-bye dinner on Monday evening, then I'm writing my books and and and.........The mind can only relax when in the here and now I read lately. I don't know if this is true. Today my thoughts didn't support my practice, they were elsewhere, but not on the mat.
Time to write some emails.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
There was also time for a few standing asanas. Lotus pose finished my yoga practice today.
The mind was wandering. Times are exciting again.
Important is that I was on my mat. Psychologically it is important. Even when it was a short practice, it was a practice. This makes it easier to start tomorrow.
7 more days at my job. Yesterday I told my young colleague that I will have to go soon. He was already informed behind my back. I realized this when I saw his reaction. He admitted that he knew it already. Secrets never remain a secret for a long time, not in that company. Nevertheless I wanted to inform him myself before the official letter will be sent out. Yesterday the group had lunch together. The boss cannot look into my eyes. This is strange. I don't think that his decision was a good one, but I'm in peace with it and I am very polite and friendly. It is his job to organize the accounts department, not mine. I can let go of this boring activities that will disqualify me in the long run. There are 3 people that I like especially in that company and I will stay in contact with them. This alone was worth working there. The job itself is most boring. And this makes my last days very long. 7 more days, it is doable.
Fresh mango from pakistan with soy yoghurt will nourish me this morning.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Mysore class was great. To meet my yoga friends is great, to share a common interest is wonderful. I have to come up now from urdhva dhanurasana and in life, too. Up, up, up, ahhhhh.
I almost got a cramp when I did laghu vajrasna today. I was probably done already.
My body is sweaty, really sweaty, time to take a shower.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I love to be with people, but I also love to be with myself alone. It is like vinyasa and asana. Doing vinyasa is like being with people and doing asanas is like being alone. I need both.
Music and silence, both is beautiful.
Soon my job is over. My colleague is soooo sad, every day I see her tears. I console her. I'm showered in love. "You give without wanting something in return," she told me lately. Might it be true or not, these are simply most beautiful moments in a work environment that is not so uplifting.
Today my fingertips could only touch when I did pashasana. The book "Flying solo" waited in vain to be used by my heels as a support. The finger must be hooked before I can let my body fall back. I did what was possible, sometimes it is more as expected, sometimes less.
I had to drop back into urdhva dhanurasana. I give this pose some meanings. I think I exercise to be courageous when I do this pose. Oh, it was hard today. "I am masochistic", I thought. This couldn't stop me to lift myself up three times, deep breathing, and I dropped back three times. Good.
And then time was over. I did some closing poses, like salamba sarvangasana, halasana, matsyasana, padmasana. That was it. The body feels good, the mind produces optimistic thoughts.
Day 9: Oh, I want to count down. Nine more days at that job. Btw, I got already another job offer. It is too far away, more than 1 hour commuting time and this IS too long. And I have other plans. My colleague is very sad that I have to go. It seems that people are not neutral towards me, either they love me or they hate me. Whatever they do it seems to be rather intensive. Day 9 has come. Yesterday I checked the airlines to India, Mumbai. I have prejudices: The cheapest flight was offered by Turkish airlines with no stop. I think I will fly with the Arabs, the Emirates, it is a bit more expensive but it gives me the feeling that it is saver, too. I must sleep it over.
It seems that I will be in Munich in the first half of September. Then I will have time to write and to do yoga. The South of France with E would have been nice, but E has no time. To stay at home is nice, too.
This made me laugh yesterday. I read: "We all have a self-image that is more flattering than the truth: we think of ourselves as more generous, selfless, honest, kindly, intelligent, or good-looking than in fact we are. It is extremely difficult for us to be honest with ourselves about our own limitations; we have a desperate need to idealize ourselves. As the writer Angela Carter remarks, we would rather align ourselves with angels than with the higher primates from which we are actually descending.
Your Angel U
Monday, August 24, 2009
"Observe what is, let go of these thoughts. Be in the moment", I say to myself. When they learn that I will soon have no job anymore, they will express their fears again. "You are no more the youngest, will you ever get a job?" I can hear them saying this with these fearful voices I know so well. And I will have to justify myself another time for being in this world.
Bandler wrote in one of his book that people are able to change. Those who have the power to do it have in common that they were fed up with a certain behaviour. They simply have enough. When do I have finally enough letting my parents have so much influence on my well-being. Till now they do nothing, they say nothing, they do even know nothing. This fact makes me laugh. It is all in my mind. They have no power over me anymore. I must see this. I am no more dependant on them.
Perhaps I hope that when writing this down an idea comes up how to behave, what exactly to say to them. The moment will dictate what will happen, so it will be.
Day 10 today at work. No feeling towards this fact arises. Neutrality. I also have no opinion. Yes, I am glad that the boss is not in the office today, this means that my day is a bit more relaxed. Nobody has to pretend to respect the other person. Not being authentic uses up energy. I think I will go to work and when the work is done, I will go home. That's it. Then I will iron, and I will do some other duties. Perhpas I have time to do a little movie. This is fun.
This is not a positive post, I know.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
of the weekend,
of old clothes,
of old habits,
of a job,
of people, I like
of people, I don't like (can be equally difficult),
to let go
of a self-image that does not fit anymore (better not to create another one),
to let go
of my tree project,
of the past,
of hope to get what is wished,
of opinions, because they are all without much substance,
to let go is an exercise for a life time.
To let go can be a reminder to enjoy even more what is. And I always have to let go of anything. It is not possible to cling to anything.
One man used a metaphor that tells me a lot. I hope the following quote makes sense even though it is out of context. The quote can be found on page 64 of the above mentioned book. The quote is how it is when being identified with the self:
"It's a bit like a closed fist. You can identify with that sort of contracted state, which is the self, or you can just open your hand, let go of it."
Perhaps I was so motivated because of my little movies. They surely help and inspire me.
Supta kurmasana: I put my leg behind the head today as a preparation exercise. I rolled on my back to have an even deeper stretch and opening of the hip. One must be very carefully when doing this, I already injured once. Today my body was soft, I sweated like in India. This was a sign for me to go deeply into this pose. My leg doesn't stay behind my head, patience is needed.
Pashasana: "Flying solo", this book is thin enough to be a challenge and support. Twice I rolled back, before I managed it to remain in that pose with my heels on that little book. The next steps for this pose are clear. The ankle between upper feet and shin bone must become smaller, till finally the flat feet can be on the floor. Then and only then I can work on grasping the wrist and twist more. The thinner my body is the easier it is to do this pose.
Laghu vajrasana: I had no strength anymore to come up from this pose. I didn't try it with the cushions. Here the next steps are to use the cushions, but to remain for a few breaths there, before coming up again. If this is possible I must try this with 3 cushions. Today was not the day for laghu vajrasana.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I saw in my movie that the feet are still too far away from my hands. In order to come up it makes sense to bring them closer together. My feeling was that they are already very close, the movie told me something else. Here I am working on this.
It is planned to make movies of these poses in a months. I am curious if I can improve these poses.
Today I didn't omit 5 min relaxation at the end. Dreaming happened. When the alarm clock rang I was almost shocked. I was so far away with my thoughts. The shower after the practice was like being in paradise, especially the cold one at the end.
There are still mixed feelings re my job situation. They range from relief till aggression, disappointment, feeling not being understood, joy. More and more I let go. I have mentally finished this activity there. This makes it very difficult to work another 10 days there, but I will go to work there for the last 10 days there - for money reasons. That's how it always was. I will leave a boring job.
It is important now that I focus on my other projects........
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I am learning this pose. For me it is helpful to use cushions as a support. That way I do not have to come up the entire way, but I can develop a feeling how it is to come up.
Next step will be to take one cushion away and then the next..... It is also helpful to repeat this pose. To go down and to come up with the next breath is easier than to stop for a five breaths when the head rests on the cushion. Nevertheless the pose has progressed already. In the beginning I have not had the courage to go down. I also pulled my shoulders several times in the beginning, because I tried to come up with the help of my arms. The thighs and bandhas are supposed to do the job, not the shoulders. It will take some time till I will be able to master this pose.
To come up is my challenge in laghu vajrasana and urdhva dhanurasana (and again in life).
Laghu vajrasana, the last post of the second Ashanga series for now that I am practicing. It is a pose that builds strength. Without strength it is not possible to come up from this pose. To go down evenly with one long deep breath and to remain in that pose for 5 deep breaths is also already a challenge.
I don't want to let my morning practice spoil by filming like today.
Next time I will take extra time for filming. Best is to go out. My room is too small for filming activities. Either I find a room where filming is possible and the result is aesthetic or I will have to film outside. It is still summer time, so it is possible to find a place somewhere close to my villa motley.
Pashasana: I was searching for a smaller book and I found one "Flying solo". This book serves now as a support under my heels when I do pashasana. First I rolled back. I tried it again and at the second attempt I was able to remain in that pose. This is progress.
Hanumanasa develops as well.
I face a totally new situation now, I have to get used to it. Soon I will be without a job without an income. I still experience a mixture of all sorts of feelings: relief, aggression, sadness, doubts, joy that I will be free soon again, insecurities what will come next and and and....
And now one of the videos is hopefully up........
I am learning from my own videos. I know now i.e. that my legs and hands must be closer when I want to have it easier to stand up from urdhva dhanurasana. I am very exciting what my movie on laghu vajrasana will tell me.
Time to step on my mat and to forget this filming project for a while.
Friday, August 21, 2009
On rejection: Rejection is something everybody experiences during a life time and not only once. When rejected, it becomes obvious that other people have another image of us than we have of ourselves. There is a gap between the self-image and how others see us. And when rejected other people think probably worse of us than we do. Rejection happens in many areas of our lives, it can happen in our personal relationships and in our job lives. Each time a vacuum is created when the rejection goes so far that the other person does not want to have anything to do with us. This vacuum is neutral. For most people it is difficult to stand this vacuum. We are used to distract ourselves all the time. Suddenly this emptiness appears. Also the feeling of being unable to do anything, the feeling of being powerless comes up. The only possibility that we have is to accept. The vaccuum can be filled with something new. But what comes next? This is what makes life so exciting.
During my last 2 weeks new contacts develop at the company. Yesterday I spent my lunch time with a French colleague. We spent the time in a close park of a hospital. There we sat on a bench in the shadow of a huge tree ate our sandwiches and cakes and exchanged stories of our lives. It was a wonderful encounter. To be continued. I love it to get to know stories of other peoples life.
Day 11 today, 10 more days and then it is over. "Everything has an end", my nice colleague told me with sadness yesterday. "I will cry when you go." "No, you won't", I answered to console her, "we'll keep in touch."
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Mysore class was perfect for me today. It is hot here this is always good for a yoga practice. My mind was not always on my mat, but my body was excellent, so flexible. I even managed it to lift up my hands from the floor when in urdhva dhanurasana. I sweated, I had simply a perfect practice.
When I arrived at home I found E sitting on my yoga place. "Let's go out, I need a Cuba libre", I told him. He was already informed about the news, that I will lose (oh in the last minute I remembered the correct spelling) my job before time. "Come to me". he said. We hugged each other and remained so for a while. "If you like to go out we'll go out", he said. And I had 2 Cuba libre now. I wanted it, I like rituals, symbols. "Let me travel to India," I said to him and he is absolutely OK with my plans. He loves me. He likes me to be happy. This is so wonderful.
Oh, I just looked at the watch on my PC. 10 pm already, I should be under the shower already.
Life goes on: I definitely decided to postpone to desperate. Here my plans:
After the job I will do vacation with E, it will be the South of France probably.
Then I will do my creative writing workshop in the North of Germany.
Afterwards I will go to India for at least 3 weeks.
I have to return in October to be on time in Paris for the chocolate fair.
Then it will be time again to spend some time with my bf, somewhere in the world.
Huh. I shall be busy.
Let's see what the Source, the Gods and Goddesses have planned with me. Shall the Source play with me. My body is flexible, my mind is open. And it shall be fun to play with me. Yes, play with me.
How do I feel now? I don't know.
I have a lot of adrenalin in my blood. My yoga practice will be good for me today.
I was always prepared to hear this, I always feared it and sensed it, but when it happens it is always like a shock. Exhaustion, emptiness, guilt, the feeling not having given enough, accepting what is, a mixture of everything comes up. I am sweating, I am paralyzed.
It is not the time now to ask how my life shall go on now.
The adrenalin must go out of my blood, it doesn't feel healthy. It makes me feel like a chased animal.
I did not much on my mat this morning. A few surya namaskaras were exercised (A and B) and uttanasana. I finished my short yoga practice with padmasana. It is all OK, as I have Mysore class this evening. It is hot here and I can already imagine how much I will sweat this evening and how flexible my body will be. I will love it. Time for breakfast.
When practicing on a daily basis I learn to work with my energy. I sensibilize my senses to feel my energy and to use it in a way I like to use it. This is a basis ability, useful for many situations in life.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
It is hot here, I love it. Time to eat.....
I worked on back bending today. My asanas of focus are laghu vajrasana and urdhva dhanurasana.
Laghu vajrasana: I feel it, this pose can improve, but slowly. I need strength in the legs. I use cushions and put them under my head when I want to come up. But it is also demanding to stay for 5 breaths in that pose when the head touches the floor.
Urdhva dhanurasana: My little movie showed me that my hands have to walk to the feet much more than by now. I tried, I tried hard. And I will have to try hard again and again. Shall I give myself a deadline, I wonder.
It is summertime here and I sweated. How nice. The body WAS bendy. Oh my practice and me, a love affair, a demanding one.
And here a Bandler/Fitzpatrick quote: "It's not what happens to you; it's how you deal with it. The cause is not the event that happened. It is the way you think about it. (page 40, Richard Bandler in Conversations with Bandler).
To keep the body flexible, to free the mind from not useful thinking patterns, I'm working on it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Movies are also a good learning tool. I am amazed how simple it looks when I drop back. I put so much effort in it. I think that I have to walk the feet much closer to the hands in order to stand up easily. I will work on this now. Ohhhhhh.
Monday is done.
This morning I wrote the last page in one of my thick journals. The journal has started 11th May this year and it ended today, it can be called a summer journal. It is full of almost everything that life has to offer. Erotic moments happened as well as disappointments,sadness, aggression, but also accomplishments. The highlight of this summer surely was that I managed it to drop back into urdhva dhanurasana. I couldn't imagine that this pose was possible for me. I see that my limits are still too narrow. More is possible than I often think. I have developed new plans, fun events are on my schedule. The next highlight will be the little party at the end of August. It's half time in my job that must be celebrated with my colleagues. It is good at the job for the time being, but I know that it was awful. I stumbled over emails where I wrote "Greetings from the hell". This tells me that I had tough times there. It is almost forgotten. My life gives me the opportunity to search for appropriate approaches to so many events that are brought to me. It gives me the opportunity to experience myself, to feel alive.
I practiced this morning Ashtanga yoga. As I was too late on my mat I had only time for the standing asanas and a few quick closing asanas. I enjoyed what I did. Not the slightest wish came up to take a picture or even a movie.
Plans for this evening:
- looking for a stand for my camera
-picking up a book
- ironing and vacuuming
- going on with my taxes (this filming adventure during the weekend absorbed all my time. Oh, I have found again an excuse for not having done my tax duties. But I have started........)
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Laghu vajrasana: It develops, but slowly. When I go back the first time, I try to do it as slowly as possible. It is not possible to come up when the head is on the floor. But today I managed it to come up twice from the cushions that I use as a support. The second time I really had to use my breath. I inhaled and the inhaling helped me to come up. For this pose my leg muscles must still develop, strength is needed. And I can imagine that it is helpful if it is possible to arch a bit more. The hips move forward. So it must be when I do urdhva dhanurasana, I think. To come up from urdhva dhanurasana still seems to be fiction. But I try it, using the breath. Back bending was deep. It improves, patience is needed. It is not necessary to hurry. As soon as a pose is mastered, the next challenging pose is already waiting.
Pashasana develops, too. I should already look for a thinner book. :)
Oh, I was out this morning and found a cafe that was open before 7 a.m. I had my first coffee there and enjoyed the calmness while I was sitting outside.
It will be a hot day here, I love it, even though I will be busy with my taxes, I will, I will, ......
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The mind can entertain us, the only mistake we should avoid - to think that what the mind produces on wonderful and ugly pictures is the truth.
Observing is what I can do and to be entertained, then life becomes an adventure, meditation.
When I can practice till laghu vajrasana when in a Mysore class, I must also be able to do the same when at home. And so was it. I practiced without omitting a single asana till laghu vajrasana. I even did full vinyasas. From time to time I left the mat for a little break, allowedly. But the breaks were short breaks and soon I found myself again on the mat. I didn't haste through the series I examined the asanas.
Pashasana: This pose develops nicely. I use a book as a support under my heels, but I feel it already, soon I have to search for a thinner book. But not every day is the same sometimes the finger tips can touch, sometimes I can hook the fingers.
Laghu vajrasana: I could come up but from a higher position than the floor. My cushions helped me. I get a feeling how it must feel when to come up from this pose. The muscles need to be used all the time, the hips must go up and forward.
Urdhva dhanurasana: Yes, yes, yes, only the first half is done. The pose feels incomplete. I must come up, but the body has still no clue how to do it. 5 times I dropped back, and it was great. I had the feeling as if I can walk the hands much closer to the feet than I could do this a few months ago. Please let me stand up now. Please. I want to complete this pose. I plan to work on this pose this evening.
For each and every pose it is helpful to stretch first before going into the pose. This is true for forward bending and for back bending. How to start a pose determines how it will look in the end.
I had music on today, it was OK, I hadn't forgotten to focus on the breath.
Pranayama afterwards on my Indian blanket: I did only 5 rounds, but pranayama is great.
I was not in the mood to take pictures, because this would have interrupted the flow.
Friday, August 14, 2009
I love my pictures. To be creative is satisfying.
Then I did a few surya namaskara A's and 2 B's. The finishing pose was lotus pose and bending forward, resting the front on the floor. This was it for today. It shall be OK.
I was too late on my mat, I wanted to do some chores first. This was important, too. So the dishes are clean now. Time to fill in my time-sheets. Time to book my flight to Paris. What a life.
Today we probably will have to work only till 1 p.m. The company changes the server. It would be a lie if I wrote that I am sad about it. I appreciate it very much that I have some additional hours only for myself. .......
Thursday, August 13, 2009
It is so exciting, touching. Today I even read a few sentences to my colleague. I want to share one story only.
Freely translated: Till now I don't know who readdressed Katharina's letters (a lover) (to the wife). Whoever it was, he belongs to the important people who has given my fate a new direction, scarcely somebody else has influenced my fate in such a profound way. I am thankful, what was obviously an act of revenge turned out to be a sensible turn in fate. It freed me from the bondage, I wouldn't have been able to free myself from it. I fell into an abyss of solitude and desperation, only 2 ways led out of it -the way to commit suicide or the way of a spiritual searcher. I decided to live.
Sometimes things happen that make us sad, desperate, but it can be that this will turn our lives in a direction, which is so much better than life has been so far. It is only difficult to see this in this moment.
I am so looking forward to this creative writing workshop with this gifted man.
Oh, I am in a hurry.
Yesterday I realized how important parallelism is: the shoulders shall be in line, parallel, but also the hips, the feet. When practicing I check this now. The mind needs a task, too.
I dropped back into urdhva dhanurasana, once only. Use it or lose it, I repeat myself, but it is so true, use it or lose it.
In the morning my body is stiffer than in the evening. But what I really appreciate is that the stomach is empty at that early time. There is also no air in it, to use the bandhas is pleasant.
I am relaxed now. The practice always is also good for the mood. The here and now exists. Focus is what I exercise when practicing yoga. Nothing shall be important when I am on my mat, but if my breath is even, if I use the bandhas, how my asanas look and so on.
This is also part of my life:
M interrupted me: You were so smart and you have done nothing with your life.
I realized at once, this sentence needed time till it was so precise, so injuring. Also the melody of the sentence, the lied compassion that was expressed was exercised. I was able to breath, I was able not to answer. "But I am healthy, this is something." "But I can drop back into urdhva dhanurasana, this is something." These sentences came into my mind later as a possible answer. But I know this is nothing. I am glad that I said nothing. Now my mind has a task: to make this voice inaudible, sending it into the past. What injures is not the contents, but the intention to injure me, the rejection, perhaps even unconscious hate, but perhaps also envy. Perhaps it is also only an expression of the own frustration. Who knows. I remember: Who am I? A collection of memories, conditioning. Who can injure me, if I am nothing else but a collection of thoughts that change all the time. Observe and go on with your life ,I tell myself. How awful must someone feel who says such a sentence is another thought that comes up.
Time to do a to do list:
Installing accounting software and preparing the tax (it is not yet done, shame on me).
Booking a flight to Paris for October (chocolate fair). Enough activities.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A new yogini came today and she is very committed, I like that.
I tried to focus on the here and now, some thoughts had to be set aside, at least for a while.
Stretching first, then entering the pose, I thought. To stretch to the sky (ceiling) makes self-confident. The breath was my guide. Urdhva dhanurasana felt good. It was by far not a perfect practice, important for me is that I enjoyed it.
Buh, time to shower, time to go to bed again.
Something has changed in the last years. I do not fear the first surya namaskara anymore, I am craving for it. Already the first one is nice and feels great, the pain that I felt years ago seems to be away.
I sweated, but I had not enough time for a long practice. I don't care as I go to a Mysore class this evening.
Paschimottanasana: I try to keep the back straight, I try. To make this easier I look at my feet (the drishti), this usually stretches the neck and the back. Critically I sit in front of the picture: The feet are not parallel to the wall, I realize. Each pose can develop, of course, this doesn't surprise me.
I was in a hurry this is wy I didn't enter this pose as I do it when I'm alone. Usually I first stretch upwards with an inhaling. My fingers try to reach the ceiling. Then I go forward. There is still a long way to go.
To start a day with yoga is great. I cannot imagine a better way to wake up.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I love the dynamic of this practice - strength AND flexibility. In no other yoga style I was told to do this deep uddjay breathing and this is a key for so many things. To match the breath with the movement, to have focus are ingredients that give this practice meaning. This style became simply my passion. I practice most of the time alone and I feel free to add from time to time an asana to the series if it pleases me.
My evening routine: I always want to improve it. As you see, I hang too much in front of the PC. One reader once wrote me: Ursula why do you not shower in the evening. I had the problem a few years ago that time was too tight for intensive shower activities in the morning and all the other activities like yoga, letting dry the hair and so on. I had to get up so early and I wasn't used to it. Since then my main washing activities happen in the evening and somtimes I think of this anonymous reader.
I always eat. I always check my emails.
I wish I would write a bit on my book, I wish I would reflect on the day, I wish I would do some chores, I wish I'd see more often friends in the evening. I wish I would study some grammar. But time is limited and I am also lazy and done after work.
Till this person is found I'll try to take pictures with my self-timer. My rooms are not good for such an endeavour. It is difficult to find the right place for the camera and it is difficult to find the right place for the body.
One has to be rather fast to go into a pose, really. Afterwards one can repair the pictures cut them. Yeah, it is a possibility, but not a good one. Nevertheless I'm going to play around with it a few times more.
This was a warning.
Afterwards I had a vegan mousse au chocolate. I like to finish a meal with something sweet. As it is cold here, I will make a cup of tea now. That was it.
I loved it, it was something fresh, it was quickly done and light. It needn't to be complicated.
I am convinced if one likes to eat healthy, one must prepare meals for oneself.
Hanumanasana seems to be a key asana for me. It supports utthita hasta padangusthasana, but also urdhva dhanurasana and all the back bending. It lengthens the front side of the body. To breath is important, to relax, then the pose can improve and it did improve already. Like always the breath and to relax is important. Also off the mat.
Yoga is something for a lifetime, there are interim steps like being able to drop back (what I really enjoyed today) but it goes on and on. It can be like a friendship. The direction is important as goals are important. When the direction is clear it can go on after having reached a goal.
Life needn't to become worse, the body needn't to deteriorate with age, year after year. I know about people who lived an active life till the end. Then suddenly it was over. If yoga can do this for me, this would be great. To suffer a decade before death is not something I like. We all can do something that this does not happen. To keep the status quo is also very good, but in my case I still have the feeling that I become stronger and more flexible.
I loved my practice.
My little vain yoga goals: I want to start filming myself, and I like to produce a little photo album with pictures of myself doing yoga. Oh, and this photo album I will show to everybody, to those who like to see it and to those who don't like to see me. I know myself.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Use it or lose it: This is so true for most things in live, especially when it is time to do urdhva dhanurasana I think it is true. I dropped back again. I know this pose needs to be done. Only half of this pose is done. To come up is now the next step. And when this is done comes the next challange, it will probably be to drop back with the feet closer together. Yoga is something for a lifetime. Goals are only interim goals. To go on is what counts.
Pranayama, and meditation at the end; I chanted aum today as meditation.
The joys of uncle H.: He likes to take a beer and to go the forest with it, he cools it in the very cold little river there, then he sits down, drinks his beer and listens to the birds. How beautiful.
This es really helplessness. In the aera of Germany where I was during the weekend even for breakfast people eat meat.
Me: I eat tomatoes.
And the tomatoes and the fresh bread were delicious.
This morning I will enjoy again my banana and my soy yogurt.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
I have still beautiful pictures. Nevertheless it is time to arrive in the here and now.
Time to shower, time to go to bed.
And then it came, this showpiece, in full beauty it stood in front of us. Hansi, ohhhh.
Friday, August 07, 2009
No time for another post, even though I so would like to go on writing now.....
This is simply not possible.
My practice was calm this morning. I did sun salutations and forward bending. I enjoyed it to sit in lotus pose, right leg first. I bowed forward, front relaxed on the floor. My body was transparent, flexible, soft, a perfect instrument for the Source to play with.
The small suitcase shall be enough for my little weekend trip. I will travel with my journal, but not with my PC. My camera will come with me. We will make a tour across the German countryside in a covered wagon with horses in front of the wagon. After work we'll drive to my parents to stay there overnight. At 7 in the morning we must be on the road again as we will meet the friends and relatives at 10 in the North. Then we'll change the vehicle there for the tour. On Sunday I will take the train back to Munich, it will be a busy weekend. Nature gives me something.
The coffee must be ready already.....I slept well, the mind is relaxed. This is OK for today.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
The depth become deeper and the highs higher.
To grow older does not mean that live becomes easier.
Bad, sad day today. It sounds better to say day, but night would be closer to the truth. The day was excellent. Perhaps because I have time now that I call this night awfully , a vacuum appeared, that I fill with nonsense, with craziness, speak sadness. Go away you, awful feeling, go away. I don't want to be sad, desperate. I don't want to give up, but probably I'm still searching the wrong things.
How we view the world has nothing to do with the world how it is. I read this during commuting time. I think it is true.
This brash voice inside myself does not stop torturing myself: You don't give up, you do not give up, you do not give up. "Shut up." You do not give up. The solution is nowhere but here and now and so far away at the same time. I feel awfully. I wish I were alone then I could cry shamlessly, and then I would be able to go through it and to call it past, but I am not alone, what I appreciate but so I have to hide my tears.
I shouldn't publish this, but I drank 2 retsinas at the Greece restaurant, I don't want to mention the ouzo, this makes me exhibitionistic. No, I don't blame the booze. This would be soooo easy.
I feel guilty because I am so full of self-pity, while living a luxury pampered life, a child I am nothing else, a stupid child.
I'm becoming a fan of little secret parties, whatever cause they might have. :)
I will be away for the next weekend - a trip to the north is on the schedule. It will be something with a lot of fun. Later more. :)
So this morning I was busy with activities that I like to postpone (till it becomes a burden). I made the wire transfer for my creative writing workshop.
I cleaned the dishes.
I will leave the house earlier to mail my bills (that are finally written).
I wrote down a list of activities that will guide me through my day - no hesitation today.
This evening I will go to the doctor to pick up my L-Thyroxin.
The hotel has to be booked for my September workshop.
I need an older software version for updating my accounting software on my new PC.
and and and.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
To bend back is stretching the front side of the body. It is something else than arching the back. First comes lengthening, making oneself a bit taller, not smaller, a bit more courageous, a bit more passionate.
Pachimottanasana, of course I can feel the harmstrings, but the joints are the source. From here the movement starts. This is all so exciting. My.
I was super flexible today and I had flow. The breath and matching the breath with the movements was my focus. The others helped me to concentrate on myself. Everything perfect again at the Mysore class, my highlight of the week.
And work was nice too.
I 'm enrolled now for the creative writing class in September, I hope they won't spoil me, but I cannot imagine this.
Then I had to write my bills, I had too, I was 5 weeks behind. It is done now.
A few sun salutations are done, too. Not enough, not enough, but as I wasn't able to do the duties in the evening I had to sacrifice my holy morning practice. This is a punishment, without doubt.
Mysore class this evening. Ohhhhh.
And again I must hurry......
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
I was thinking of my mind, and what I've read half an hour earlier in the book by Richard Bandler, this genius. To be free means to be free from the mind, from its unconscious thinking patterns, from its unconscious feeling patterns that do not serve us.
I still allow others to influence my mood, I think and had my work in mind, my colleagues. I still blame others for my sadness even though I should know better. It is so easy to see the hell only in the others. But the hell is the own mind. But there is a chance, a chance to free oneself (myself) from not useful thinking patterns.
Why not take a bath? I put the cork into the drain so that the water could gather in my bathtub. I put oil into it and sat down.
Paschimottanasana in the bathtub, first lengthening, belly in and then stretching forward. The joints were soft, so soft, deep I could go into this asana with a straight back. I leaned back listening to the running water, looking at my luxury body. I made a little bowl of my 2 hands, filled them with water and poured the water into my face. I massaged my muscles with the oily water, my calves, my thighs, my strong and round yoga bum, my arms. Not everything that is nice to touch can be called a muscle. I relaxed while my feet were playing with the water. Looking down on me a smile appeared on my face. I remembered a question that sooner or later comes up when a man is a bit more interested in me: "Is your pussy hair blond too?" Usually I don't tell, I mean, I need a secret. Sometimes I play being reluctant, already ready to describe in great details my body hair. Fish pose then. Ah, and leg behind the head. The bathtub is simply too small for such advanced yoga poses. Savasana.
Oh, it is late. The cold shower is really the best after such a hot bath.
The mind, the mind, I was distracted, the mind is the prison, the unconscious thinking patterns. Time to go to bed, the mind needs a rest, too. And so does the body.
When I did urdhva dhanurasana I remembered this. I breathed deeply, this helps to relax usually.
I loved and enjoyed my morning practice. I was a bit too late on my mat and regretted this. So it is. No stress is more important than achievements for the time being.
Work: It was a good day yesterday, friendly atmosphere. I needed this. Really. I am optimistic now that this goes on like this. It is at least possible to have such relaxing days. My colleague and I laughed about the day: "Did you realize", she told me,"nobody insulted us today, nobody humiliated us, nobody pilloried us due to a little mistake, nobody made a complaint to the boss." But it's not yet evening today.
Monday, August 03, 2009
I have to do nothing that I do not want to do, I reminded myself.
Finally I was on my mat and did sun salutations.
Yoga is lengthening the body. Also when bending forward, lengthening the body comes first. Room is created when doing so.
I have not much time to write, I must do what I've not done during the weekend. My bills must be written, this is important. Today I must ask for 2 days off in September. A few other items are on my list, too.
There are highlights in August. I'm looking forward to taking pictures of "my" tree today. It is the beginning of a new months and I'll take another picture today. And at the end of the months it is half-time of my job and my colleagues and me want to celebrate this in an Italian restaurant.
To relax, relax, relax, this is what is important now for me. Health has priority.
I enjoyed the cold shower in the morning. Cold water always brings me in the here and now.