This weekend...

... I want to entertain with some of my Hawaii pictures. From time to time I must write or show something uplifting.

Plans for the weekend: I had lunch with my young colleague again. Sometimes I wonder why this young (29) man asks me every lunch time if I want to have lunch with him. He might have his reasons. He knows about my secret plan to write a book on "How to stay slim".

During commuting time I read the book "No plot, no problem", and now I am very motivated to write also a novel in 30 days. I told him this today and he was courageous enough to tell me: "You cannot do everything. With your first book idea you can make money". And he is right, I thought, but why not applying the idea to write 50.000 words within a month on my first book topic. It needn't to be a novel. Tomorrow another month begins, love towards life and writing can be refreshed. It is a good moment.

Yeah, I have a deadline for my first book, a serious deadline, it is end of August. "If you set yourself deadlines it won't do much", he told me. "You can postpone the deadline all the time. I will ask you on Monday if you have written on your book", he told me self-confident. I laughed and added: "Be careful, I'll give you something to review on Monday". He even wanted to read my stuff. Damned and now I have to write.

Damned. I have a plan, a deadline, a colleague, a PC, and 2 days off........

Weekend

Weekend, weekend, this makes me happy, to have time for myself, tralali.

A beach in Hawai can be seen on the picture. Joy, lightness, craziness is seen, calmness, peace.

How I love it that we have weekend. I want to relax. And I want to do yoga........and so many other things, too.

Focus

I am so easily distracted. But today it seemed that I have learned to focus. As soon as I was on my mat my thoughts circled around my practice. This is relaxing. It is uplifting. It reliefs me. The thought "when will I be able to do hanumanasana", is simply a more pleasant one than "will they terminate my contract today".
I focused on my breath. I focused on the asanas, feeling the edges. I used the bandhas and all this brought me in the here and now, on the mat. The body was soft, soon I sweated. Beside the asanas we learn to focus, and this is so valuable for life.

There was not enough time for a long practice as I was too late on my mat. Important is to practice. Oh I loved it, I enjoyed it to move my body in accordance with the breath.

The breath may be my focus today. Meditation, focus and awareness off the mat will be practiced today.
Oh my stomach feels badly. Oh yeah, I experience stress, pressure.

Incoming invoices II like AA

Invoices are causes for screaming at each other. Invoices are checked. Many invoices have to be searched. They all have to be filed and scanned. Stamps must be put on them. Invoices are sent back to get corrected. Many invoices do not match with the German tax law. There are calculating mistakes on invoices. Often the address is written wrong or the time of delivery is not mentioned on the bill. Some invoices are sent twice so that double payments can be made,which have to be reversed later, of course. There are invoices from abroad, from Europe, from Germany, some have different currencies on it. There are colorful invoices and such who are only in black and white. Invoices keep me busy the entire day. I could go on.

Today I have another feed-back talk with the boss. I felt the day before yesterday that something isn't OK again. When I arrived at the office yesterday, checking my emails, reading that I shall have another feed back talk again, I knew that I can trust my feelings. I am very sensitive towards other persons' behaviour. So, I'm sure that I won't be told today at 11 a.m. how good I'm working, it will be the opposite. However. I made it through another month. 6 months are full now. This seems like a little miracle. I experienced so many ups and downs there already. Despite all these troubles, I'd like to be there another 8 months. I hope I will be relaxed if fate has other goals with me.

Yoga impossible today, too less sleep

I was up till after midnight yesterday.
Oh, Mysore class was great yesterday in the evening. I had focus, my thoughts were on my mat in the here and now. I didn't like to think of anything else but of the next asana, my breath, the bandhas. I had fire, energy, ambition, but also calmness, flow and focus, focus, focus. Was I glad that I didn't run away before the class had started. I was as every Wednesday a bit too early. I sat down on the stony step to wait till the other yogis would arrive and felt so heavy and not at all motivated. I thought, I wouldn't be able to do a single sun salutation. Then our only man appeared. "Good that you come," I told him, "now I stay." As usual he started typing something in his mobile phone. Probably he is writing SMSs. I didn't ask, but I stayed and soon B. appeared. And then I had such a wonderful practice, so intensive.

Job: During commuting time I got paranoid. I don't think that this is the right word, I think I am sensitive. The work of the group is reorganized. The only person who has less work is me. Now I fear again that they will terminate my contract before time. I feel subtle aggression by the boss towards me. Finally I came to the conclusion yesterday at night (late at night) that I simply shall wait what will happen. To live day by day is the only thing I can do. It is not the end of this world when I loose this job, that I do not like. Will I ever find a job?????? But also this probing question leads to nothing, but troubles, that do not exist so far in reality.

Inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling.......I need a plan B.

A few sun salutations

I slept too long, I obviously needed some sleep. Nevertheless my morning was perfect. I wrote my journal and then I did a few sun salutations (A and B). I sat down in lotus pose to finish my short yoga practice. This was not much, but I am happy with it. The body was moved a bit and this evening I will go to a Mysore class.
I don't need self-made stress and pressure to the pressure I already have. Yesterday I had a sudden deafness at that job. Not very bad, but I take the reactions of my body very seriously. I took a break, drank a cup of coffee and water when I realized this. After half an hour or so I felt better again. I step back. To do this group coding is simply awful. Five people (some do not like each other) sit in one room now checking the invoices. Only one PC is available, tiniest calculators, no telephone........I'm still not there, so I will change the topic.

It is again a sunny day, summer time. I'm reading a lot. As soon as I sit in the S-Bahn I put on my glasses and I start reading. Currently I'm reading "No plot? no problem" by Chris Baty. The book is funny and so full of optimism. 50.000 words, thirty days, that's what the book is about and it is about the dream of some youngsters to write a novel in that short time frame (without any knowledge how to write a novel).

Time to think of the focus this evening: It shall be the breath. Breathing evenly and deeply gives the practice flow. This is no surprise, I know. The breath is most important. Deep breathing gives energy.
I'd like to go to more yoga classes.......

"Shut up", a mantra to better life á la Richard Bandler

"I am too late on my mat again. " Shut up.
"After so many years of practice, I'm still not able to jump through properly." Shut up.
"And urdhva dhanurasana is not done either." Shut up.

I practiced, this is simply what counts. Only sloppy practices won't do so much, but I do not have only sloppy practices. The body feels so good now, to give the body this practice is pure self-love.
I enjoyed my practice, I wasn't that discontent like it might sound when reading the first sentences. Self-talk is always there, the mind is thinking, it is it's nature, but there is also always the possibility to get back to the sound of the breath. A wonderful sound. It remembers me more of the waves of a sea, or the wind. No, I don't have the association that I sound like a telephone stalker when I do uddjay breathing (Sting has this association. I read this in the forward "Hatha yoga", by Yogi Ramacharaka.).

I had a wonderful evening yesterday with E in an Italian restaurant, a new one. Does the arrogance of the service people say something about the quality of the restaurant? I ordered a glass of red wine and E and me played one of our rituals. I let him taste the wine first to see if it is drinkable for me. When he pulls a face, pretending the wine is awful it is usual best wine. So it was, I had a soft wine, tasteful, with a wonderful color. Of course I shared. Penne siciliana was good, too. It was really like a mini-vacation and this on a Monday.

Work remains exhausting. I will go through it and I will work on my other projects (book writing). It is a good feeling to know the direction, till life tells me something else.

Ah difficult today

I stepped on my mat later as planned, I felt tired this morning. This was no surprise as I woke up at 3 a.m. at night. I got up, but soon I was back in my cosy bed.
I managed it to step on my mat. I could feel the intensive practice from yesterday. My hamstrings were a bit overstretched, the body was stiff, the mind unwilling. Nevertheless there must have been enough energy left, because I practiced. My expectation went to zero what was good. Simply do it, was the credo. Do what is possible today and enjoy it. With each surya namaskara my body became more flexible. I went on and on, there was time for the standing sequence and paschimottanasana. I finished with an abbreviated closing sequence. Done. Redundant to say that I feel better now and more flexible. Only to stop something for ever means to fail. I am far away from stopping my daily yoga practice. Perhaps I need more sleep I wonder.

The last week in July has come. Our boss wants to experiment. Today the whole group will sit in one room to check and code the invoices. When I learned about it, I said: I am ready for this adventure. He: This is not an adventure. But it is. So let's see how nice it is when the people who do not like each other sit in one room for hours. It is a bit like the reality show "Big Brother" or "I am a celebrity get me out of here." I still have to organize a calculator for everybody. This means I will have to leave my home a bit before time. Ha, I think of the future. At the end of August I have half time. My nice colleague and me and our former colleague and a friend of mine will celebrate this in a restaurant. This must happen. So step by step I will do my way through the next week. It is summer time and this is wonderful.

Make decisions when you are in a good mood.....

.....then it is likely that your decisions are of a better quality as when you make decisions when you are in a lousy mood. If this is the only advice I got from the book by Richard Bandler "Get the life you want", it was worth buying it.
It is so obvious, but one must remember.
This is perhaps also why I am still working for the company I am currently working for. I surely want to run away when the situations are tough. When I am relaxed I clearly see that it makes sense to keep the job till the end of March 2010. A bit more than 8 months are in front of me. This must be doable for me. Only 8 months till my Indian trip.......I will be smart and strong enough to stay.........

The ritual is done

I practiced slowly, very slowly this morning. I enjoyed the asanas, examined them. I read it on Globie's blog, I want to repeat it here: Do the vinyasas to build strength and relax when you do the asanas, he learned during a workshop in Hamburg. Especially to relax when being in an asana was my intention today. To relax actively is possible. Breaks happened, but I remained on my mat to relax. I didn't run away using the time checking my emails. No, I remained on my black mat and after a while I went on. That way I did the first series and the second till laghu vajrasana.

I added some asanas, and I omitted some asanas. It seems that janu sirsasana b and c and bujapindasana are the less beloved ones. I compensated. I worked on supta kurmasana, put my legs behind the head, one after the other of course (not both at the same time). I did this while sitting, I did this while being on my back, which intensifies the stretch in the hips. Supta kurmasana is surely a pose I want to improve.

Pashasana: this time a book on mathematics served as support. I put it under my heels and as soon as my fingers could hook I let myself fall back a bit, so far till my heels found stability on the book . I am optimistic that soon I can use a thinner book and finally I will need no book anymore.

The idea came up to use a book as a support when doing laghu vajrasana. So far it is difficult to come up from the pose, but when the head is a bit higher it might be easier as well. This I will try the next time. I don't want to work on this pose for 2 years. I want B. to give me kapotasana as soon as possible..........

Urdhva dhanurasana: I used the strap first to keep the legs parallell, when I lifted myself up from lying positon. Twice I dropped back but then I was weakless. I had now strength anymore to even try to stand up from this pose. No way.

The wish was there to be better, but I am already better than 1 year ago. It is not possible to see a progress on a daily basis, there are always ups and downs. If anything assures progress it is a daily practice with committment. This is what I try to do. There is no real goal in Ashtanga yoga, it is a life-time project, the way is the fun. The mini goals and achievements on the way are like oasis, but they are never the end. It goes on and it can go on till the end of my life, how fantastic.

Mango, citron, apple

I just arranged these fruits in a bowl and loved it how these colors fit together, how these fruits fit together.
I am busy, one hour of work is done already and I will go on. A plan, I need a plan. So much must still be done.

Important are the taxes, I need ink for my printer. Decluttering is on my list. I have to write bills, oh, this is very important........
And of course I will go on writing my book. Again I realized that my 9 to 5 job is a dead end road. Energy must be put into alternatives.

Time to go on with my chores.

And suddenly it is Saturday

There will be time for doing nothing. It is an art to do nothing. I am good at it.
But first I must be busy, chores must be done and the taxes and and and........
What holds me back? Nothing and nobody.........so better to begin......

The mind and the ego

Usually the ego is identified with the mind in general. That's how I understood it a few months ago. And the ego, the mind, is blamed to be the obstacle for becoming enlightened. So the conclusion is: in order to get rid of the ego, one has to get rid of the mind. Techniques like meditations are recommended to accomplish this.

This was always difficult to understand for me. How to walk around in this world without a mind. I also wondered why not to get rid of the body?

Reading Balsekar I understand much more: The ego, the mind per is not the issue. It also makes sense to distinguish between the working mind and the thinking mind. The working mind helps to live our life successfully, it is task-oriented. The thinking mind is what happens all the time. The mind produces thoughts, it is its nature. It is how the mind is, it is an active tool. Not to think at all might be relaxing, but to walk through this world without thinking at all anymore, seems to me impossible and alse something I don't want to have. I am entertained by my thoughts. The mistake is to confuse these always upcoming thoughts with reality. The second thinking mistake is to blame ourselves for these thoughts. Fact is they simply come up. We will always have an ego (genes and up-to-date conditioning). To believe that we are not the doer of our life has to be understood. This is an important difference. The mind per se is not the cause for the misery. To consider ourselves as the doer is what creates uneasiness, guilt, proud and so on.

We are born somewhere in that world and it was not our choice, that we were born and where. How we are brought up was not our choice either. How we will die is not our choice. But between these two points we believe we are James Bond in person, the creator of our life. There is the tendency to make ourselves responsible for the good things that happen to us and to blame others for the bad things that happen to us. In general we think we are the doer.

Nauli and sun salutations happened today. I don't blame myself for not having done more. Especially on Friday I feel mercy with myself. Reading my text above I could feel mercy all the time with myself. So far I feel mercy on Fridays. Perhaps I am only enlightened on Friday. And enlightenment or being awake means nothing else but to have understood that we are not the doer. Life happens, life is a happening. This understanding gives peace. Being "enlightened" is not being in ecstasy 24 hours a day. It would be unbearable. Peace can be felt according to Mr Balsekar. I will travel to India next year to listen to him, to let this knowledge think deeper, so that enlightenment will be experienced on the other days of the week, too.

Job life: It will be another day with much much work (what is Ok), it will also be another quite day. One of my colleagues (difficult, but competent) will be away for about 6 weeks. I have to take over part of her job, too. From next Monday on another colleague (choleric, incompetent, insolent) will be back from vacation. Then we will have much much work and no quite time anymore. I work on a strategy to make the next weeks beautiful, too. Working mind has a task. Am I glad that I have a mind...........

Picture is taken during my lunch break.

OMG, I hope this post was not too crazy.

I need more strength

I had to convince myself to practice, and I was successful. Later I had to convince me to drop back into urdhva dhanurasana, I was successful here, too. It was a more or less a stiff practice. As an experienced yogini, I know that this is part of the path and it is important simply to go on. That's what I did this morning. The longer I practiced the more flexible the body became. I even sweated and I started enjoying the poses.

I need more strength when I want to come up from urdhva dhanurasana and laghu vajrasana. To build strength is a challenge. I need more yoga classes. mmnhhh.

Pashasana: The books under my heels couldn't be used as I could only touch my fingers today. Oh I am a book lover. They can serve as a prop in yoga, wall decoration and one can even read them.

Sirsasana: I have the ambition to lift up the legs straight when I do this pose, and I did this. A recommendation I got years ago for all these asanas where the legs are supposed to be straight: Imagine that the inner parts of the legs stretch. This really helps. It can be applied in poses like shalabasana, salamba sarvangasana, sirsasana.

The learning never ends, neither in life nor in yoga. The perfect practice does not exist, there is always the possibility or imagination, that a pose could be done better, or that it could be held longer, or that the body or mind could be calmer. Practicing yoga every day I learn to accept and handle the ups and downs.

Thurday: Ha, the end of the week is in sight. It was a calm week so far, with much work, a good week.

The weekly motivation - Mysore class

My yoga clothes were on my desk the whole day. They waited for me. This evening I had Mysore class. And again it was great. I got new motivation and I made new resolutions. 5 times I will do navasana from now on and not only 3. And I want to lift myself up when I want to jump back. I play it too easily lately..........I am so motivated again. This will last till next Wednesday.

Time stood still

There was even time for a little nap.

Another good day

Much work was on my desk today, but I like this. "The more you have to do the better you become", my colleague told me today. I prefer to be busy.
Today I spent my lunch time alone. After having eaten I went out to sit in the sun. I loved it to be alone for a while, for 20 min.

An early morning spent on my sofa - well-spent

It was strange. This morning I switched off my alarm clock and got up. It was rather dark. I started my morning routine, switching on my PC, preparing a cup of coffee. Sitting in front of the PC, I saw the time in the right corner and it said that it was 20 to 4. I must have dreamed that my alarm clock had rung. It was too early to get up, because I have a long day today. I went to bed again and next time I got up at 10 to 5 as usual. My coffee was almost cold by then, it was OK.

Yesterday 3 books arrived, one by Richard Bandler (NLP), "Get the life you want". (I seem not to have the life I want. Hahahaha). I was so lucky, when I was in my twenties to meet Richard in person. I travelled to the Swiss to a workshop with Richard Bandler himself. It was very impressive, life-changing? NLP- techniques helped me to handle difficult job situations and later it helped me to be good at sales (Almost 5 years I sold insurances, not so unsuccessfully).

So this morning I leaned back, feet on the sofa, second cup of black hot coffee on the floor and I started reading Richard's new book. He is brilliant and has humor: "If you are looking for difficulties, you'll always find them," he writes on page xxvi. "How much fun can I have today?" he recommends as an approach of the day. And I will have fun. I love to have lunch with my colleague, it is a sunny day today and I consider to walk to the station, what I usually enjoy, I will have Mysore class this evening........and the day will surely have some nice surprises for me today.

Oh, time to hurry, it's late already........

Complete breathing or how not to get the swine flu

Breathing exercises feel really good. Deep breathing wakes me up, it makes me feel lively. Complete breathing has also a positive effect on the health.

I want to quote from the book "Hatha Yoga, the science of breath and posture" by Yogi Ramacharaka, page 75:
"Imperfect breathing allows a considerable part of the lungs to remain inactive, and such portions offer an inviting field for bacilli, which invading the weakened tissue soon produce havoc. Good healthy lung tissue will resist the germs, and the only way to have good, healthy lung tissue is to use the lungs proberly."

With deep complete breathing colds can be avoided. I am convinced of this.
The breath shall be my focus during the day.

And I have found another reason to practice yoga. It is simply good for the health.

The step between my sofa and the mat.....

....is very small, but it seems to be very long from time to time. As soon as I am on my mat it is joy to practice asanas/vinyasa, but to start is the challenge. Nevertheless, I managed it to step on my mat in order to practice.

I put my books under my heels as an adjustment for pashasana, but today the fingers couldn't hook.
I had time to lift myself up into urdhva dhanurasana and I even dropped back once. I don't want to loose this pose. I feel it: when I want to come up, my hands must walk much closer to the legs. I'm working on this.

I focused on the breath and to match it with the movements. I get better at it.

For the time being, I have enough challenges. I don't want to learn more poses. A practice of 40 min is better than no min. Relaxed I start my day, it is a sunny one.

My new book on yoga arrived

It is a good one. I know it from the contents. It is called "Yoga beyond belief" and it is by Ganga White, who is practicing yoga for 4 decades. Can't wait till I can start reading it. What I can see from the contents, it goes beyond the acrobatic aspects of my beloved Ashtanga series.

I must go to bed on time to get up early in the morning to have time for my yoga practice. To practice is always better than to read. That's why this book has to wait, and I can practice patience again. Sigh.

A balanced practice

A balanced practice consists of a warm up phase, balancing poses, forward bending, back bending, twists, inversions and relaxing pose. I had this this morning. And all the other ingredients of a successful practice were done, too: deep uddjay breathing which I tried to match with the movements, bandhas were used while exhaling and I had focus.

I have difficulties to be on time on my mat. Somehow I am reluctant to start, I fear the effort that I have to do so early in the morning. As soon as I am on my mat I enjoy it, but to get that far is not so easy lately.
I added hanumanasana today. I love to learn this pose.
I am happy that I practiced. It is a good preparation for a Monday morning. Enough "I". Time to move on.

Why...

Why to get up so early in the morning, every morning. Five o'clock is very early. Why to convince myself to do this exhausting yoga practices at such an impossible time? Why not staying in bed, why not watching TV till midnight or reading books?

Because after a while 8 o'clock a.m. seems to be so early like 5 o'clock. In the long run it is better to move the body instead of enjoying momentarily laziness.
Convinced: That was quickly today.
And tomorrow I will get up again, in order to practice yoga.
To make it easy I will go to bed NOW. I am tired already even though I don't know why.

Another chapter of my book is written

Firstly I started reading what I've written so far. I found it embarrassing what I've written. The easiest and closest thing was simply not to read it, but to go on writing. This is done now. Write, write, write and then edit, is the recommendation. When I've nothing more to say, then I can rewrite what I've written so far, this is a good idea. Sigh, I haven't wasted another weekend. Also the smallest step in the right direction is at least a step.

Oh, oh,...words and dreaming is not enough

It is difficult to be really active during the weekend. It is difficult to follow my other project like going on writing my book. I relax, surf the net, read a bit, I even took a nap and I could go to bed again right now. But when I want to build alternatives to my current job activities additional energy is needed. Discipline is needed. Actions must be done. Words are not enough. Might the delicious plum cake that I had enjoyed half an hour ago, give me this energy........It is important.

Action, NOW.

A report from the mat

On Sunday second series is on the schedule. To start is the challange, whent the first surya namaskare is done it is easier to go on. I sweated today and had a lovely practice.

Hanumanasana (forward split and side split): After the 4 prasarita padottanasana I added hanumanasana. It is a pose I want to be able to do. I feel free to exercise it. The sticky mat is too sticky to let the feet slide, so I did it on the carpet next to my mat. No, it doesn't interrupt the flow. I use a block to support me.

Pashasana: How to improve the pose I wondered today. The feet are supposed to be flat on the floor. And my mind had an idea. Put some books under your heels. Thought and done: I put "Practicing the power of now" by Eckhart Tolle and "The year of magical thinking" by Joan Didion under my heels. Once my finger hooked I let myself fall back a bit, till my heels were on my books. I felt the improvement. It is an adjustment that I can give myself. Next step will be to have only the book by Tolle as a support under my heels. The books are rather thin, btw.

Laghu vajrasana: I don't want to have another pose that will take years to learn. But I feel it: laghu vajrasana is such a pose. To come up seems impossible. I am too weak. Will I develop a strategy to learn it? To go more often to classes would be good, classes build strength as I cannot cheat so much. The energy of the group is supportive.

Relaxing pose: I wanted to omit it. I am glad that I didn't. It is so important and as soon as I was lying on my back I knew how important it is: Consciously I relaxed my face, my belly, till after five long minutes the alarm clock told me, it's over.

Pranayama was great.
Meditation: After 5 min I gave up. ahhh

It's time to go on with my life. Breakfast first. I feel dynamic, energetic, optimistic. Ha.

How to live?

There is no answer - as much as I search. Observe and enjoy - everything, that is the only answer I got.

I've lost strength

I do not practice enough or better not long and intensively enough. I've lost strength, I omitted asanas today as I felt so weak. It was late when I was on my mat, around 5 p.m. Usually at that time I have good practices, it wasn't a bad one, but I felt that I've lost strength. It would be good to have more classes, Mysore classes. I will check the web later. Perhaps something new is offered.

Before my practice I watched a movie. I saw how Sharath does urdhva dhanurasana. First he lifted himself up three times. Between the poses he put his front on the floor, not his head. That way one can give the neck a good stretch. This I tried today and it felt good. After these 3 urdhva dhanurasana he come up first before he dropped back again.
I still have not a clue nor a feeling how to do it. I will go on working on it. Visualization will help.

It is raining permanently. It is even dark here. Time to cook, time to eat.

Content

A feeling of contentment arose when I entered my kitchen this morning. It was clean. I had picked me up the day before and I had done the dishes. I had even done the laundry.
It is weekend and I have so many plans. One activity after the other, step by step, I tell myself. The weather report says that it will be raining the entire weekend and this is even good. I want to go on writing my book, I have to do my taxes, I want to cook.
Of course I will do yoga as well. Oh, I have to start, with anything........

Friday, the week is almost done

Getting up, switching on the PC, preparing a cup of coffee for myself, checking emails, writing my private journal (3 pages), yoga, pranayama, meditation (in case there is still time), shower (warm and cold), breakfast, blogging, dressing, leaving my cosy home -this is my beloved morning routine.

A few sun salutations happened this morning. Nothing more. I know this weakness on Fridays already. The mind is distracted, the body feels heavy and tired. 45 min I dawdled on my mat. Finally I decided to sit in lotus pose. I bowed forward, my front touched the cool mat. That was it for today.

I made it through another working week. I feel so busy and also challenged. It is not easy to deal with this work, in the meantime it is soooooo much, that I sometimes do not know where to begin. In addition to that most of the colleagues are unfriendly and frustrated (why ever). Nevertheless I prefer this challenge than to sit in front of a PC having nothing to do like it was in the first 2 months. I am glad that it's Friday.

Picture: It is the street where I live. I live opposite to the tree in the house painted in rose colour. It is almost downtown, almost no parking space is available. In front of the picture is a Spanish bar. 2 people are sitting outside already. At night many people stand outside smoking and drinking red wine. It's not where I go, but I have many choices here.

Eagle pose, quick quick, please take another picture

This is a pose we did before ardha baddha padmottanasana during my weekend workshop with Danny Paradise. It is a balancing pose, the name is eagle pose. From this position it is easier to grasp the big toe behind the back. When the bit toe is held, one can come up and put the other hand flat on the floor. It is easier than to start from standing position. Of course one can bend the leg more. Each pose has a lot of further challenges.

Uttkatasana

Hahahah and I thought my upper legs were parallel to the floor.
Nevertheless this pose is a good exercise to build leg muscles. Arms are supposed to be straight.

Ashtanga yoga for self-improvement?

I practiced again this morning. What else. To practice on a daily basis is so much easier than to practice only here and then. Mysore class from yesterday in mind, my deep back bending in mind, I was very motivated to repeat the accomplishments from yesterday. It was not possible. I really had to convince myself today to do urdhva dhanurasana. I did it. It was not that deep. Then I dropped back, felt fantastic, that was it. To drop back the first time happened in the evening and so it will be with coming up. The body is softer and stronger in the evening. I sweated and enjoyed the movements of my vinyasa-asana-practice, what else can I expect.......

Nauli: It is better to have an empty stomach when pushing the belly in. I reflect if 2 cups of coffee are necessary in the morning. I know the answer already: 1 cup of strong black coffee is better and enough. Sigh. These yoga exercises change my whole life.

Back to the title: Practicing Ashtanga yoga reminds me that only the moment exists (no past, no future, past is over, future has not yet come). Knowing this and living this surely is an improvement. The body becomes strong and flexible, the mind calm and relaxed - this is also an improvement.
In order to understand that everything happens, that there is no doer Ashtanga yoga is not necessary. And only this deep understanding gives peace in all life situations.
My young colleague and me have usually lunch together now. Once I told him about my philosophy towards life. He must have been thinking about it, because the next time he told me that he didn't believe in fate and that everything is predestined. He thinks that "he" has his life in his hands. Why is he not where he wants to be, I wonder, if he can manipulate his fate? (I didn't say this, of course. I don't want to convince anybody, I am not an apostle.) He likes to have a well-paid job and interesting work......It is difficult to accept the own impotence. It is the opposite of what we learn.
My life a happening, also actions happen.

Oh no, I must dress, I must hurry again..........time flies......

Like a prayer

Yes it is like a prayer these Ashtanga series. I just returned from Mysore class. My back bending was great. It is joy. And it is deep and it is ahhhh so good. No, I am still not able to come up, but I enjoy learning it. I enjoy the little steps in the right direction: up, up, up.

I am in such a good mood that I am able to enjoy everything. A good life is a colorful life. The unfriendliness, the frustrations, the accomplishments, the desperation, the greed, the disappointments, the fear, it is all how life is. I don't want anything else....NOW: Tomorrow my little world might look differently. Then I will wish again that one talks to me with respect. But now life is good as it is.

Oh my back bending today, it was great. I admire myself. I simply love it that I am able to drop back. It is such a joy for myself, it is as if the impossible became true.

I gave me a glass of red wine this evening, not good wine, but it is red and it is wine. I sit here before my evening shower. I love it to feel so used after this practice, so done, so natural.

I love strong adjustments. I understand teacher who only want to show the direction when they touch a body of a yogini/yogi. For me strong adjustments are great. I love to go to my limits, be pushed to my limits and a bit behind, I know I feel resistance then, that I give up bit by bit with every breath and this allows me to go deeply into an asana. Not every teacher has a feeling for the other body, B. has. I never got injured despite these strong adjustments that I enjoy on so many Wednesdays.

The feeling to go deep into an asana, to give up resistance is simply overwhelming in a most positive way.

Yes, it is a prayer. I have wishes, much too many. I read that not one single fulfillment of a wish brings joy forever. Watch them, watch how the wishes come up and let them go, let them fly away, is the recommendation.

Soon I will stand under the shower. The cold water after the washing ceremony will bring me in the here and now. All wishes will disappear, one thought will occupy my mind: damned, it's cold and I will love it.

Nauli, that's it

Thanks to an anonymous reader I have a name now for what I am doing before my classic Ashtanga series: To pull the stomach in and up is called nauli. I remember. Some exercises feel good from the first time on that I do it. So it is with nauli. It feels good, it is good for the inner organs. It is a massage for them.

It was a calm practice this morning. After each asanas I stood calmly on my mat, I focused on breathing, hands were in prayer position in front of my chest: I enjoyed an extra break. Within an hour I did all the standing poses and paschimottanasana. I tried pincha mayurasana against the wall after sirsasana. To practice alone has the advantage that I can focus only on myself. I do not have to listen to a teacher, I do not have to take care of my neighbours, I can enjoy only myself. Even with breaks, uniterrupted flow can be experienced.

Then I did pranayama. This feels so good, too. Alternate nostril breathing or nadi shodana I did for a few rounds. My breath becomes longer and deeper. Then time was over. No meditation today, which is still more a challenge than a real joy.

Day 3 of the week today: I feel as if it is Sunday evening and I have worked on Sat and Sun in addition. The unfriendliness of some colleagues is the main issue that makes the work so annoying. I start planning my Mumbai trip in April 2010. This keeps me motivated. I know, it is not possible to plan anything in the future. But alone the planning activity is a joy in the present.

Mysore class this evening. What a wonderful finishing of my day.

My morning practice with variations

I started my morning practice again in front of the mirror, bending my knees and pulling the stomach in. This simply feels good. It is a massage for the inner organs. And finally I will be able to roll my belly muscles.

I added variations to the classic asanas of the second series. They are like adjustments that I can give myself. For instance I did utthita trikonasana, then I put the arm that usually points to the sky (or ceiling) on my back. That way I can open my shoulders, bring my chest in a parallel position to the wall without losing balance.

More and more I see the connections between the asanas.
Uttkatasana, chair pose i.e. prepares so many other asanas. Important is to go really deep down. Before the weekend workshop with Danny I bended my knees a bit. That weekend I saw how else the pose can look like. The upper legs can be parallel to the floor. This is a totally different feeling then. It builds leg muscles, that are important for coming up from urdhva dhanurasana or laghu vajrasana. Going deep down makes the ankle between shine bone and upper leg smaller which is needed for pashasana.

Urdhva dhanurasana: I dropped back, I simply had to. Use it or loose it, I thought. No way to come up.

I sweated and I am very content now that I practiced. I feel good, relaxed, powerful, simply great.

Work: I am glad that I haven't written a post yesterday evening. I already had a title: Public complaining. Perhaps my expectations to have a calm week as most of the people are absent this week weren't a good approach. However. I think my philosophy, my attitude towards life that everything happens, that all people only act according to their genes and up-to-date conditioning, that there is no doer, surely helps. Nevertheless it was again a day with disappointments. In the morning our colleague wrote a letter to the boss in detail how many mistakes we have made and in the evening again. Mistakes cannot be cut out totally. I must smile when I write this, it is all so ridiculous.
I look often at my calender, I count the hours, the days, I count the weeks, I count the months, several times a day. Till the end of March 2010 I want to be there, because I need the money. Bad was that I drank red wine yesterday to relax, to get out of my frustration. Wine never helps.

The very good aspects of my job situation is that it gives me a certain urgency to work on my other projects. This morning I had an idea for another chapter for my book. I will work on it today. Yes. I feel good now, I have no expectations for today. It is a sunny day and I love it. I have written too much about my job. I don't want to delete it, even though I know it would be better to do it.

A daily practice is the secret

This morning I started my practice in front of the mirror. I freed my stomach from the clothes, because I wanted to see how it looks like when I pull in the stomach. I bowed the knees stemmed my hands on the knees, exhaled completely and before the next inhaling I locked the throat. This prevents that air is coming in the lungs. The stomach simply moves inwardly when trying to inhale with a locked throat. This technique is easier with an empty stomach, the morning seems to be the best time for this. Oh and how far the stomach went in.

Standing sequence: I added some poses, only to see if I can still remember what I've learned yesterday. I can. I surely will integrate some modifications in my practice, i.e. when doing utthita hasta padangusthasana I will use both hands to pull the leg to the head. At home I will no more grasp the toe, but the outer side of the foot. This helps to correct the foot position, it is possible to go deeper into the pose. And after prasarita padottanasana D I will separate my legs more for hanumanasana, side split. To learn hanumanasana is something I like to do. Otherwise my ambition goes till kapotasana, perhaps pincha mayurasana is on my list. More I simply don't want to do.
To add more poses on a daily basis is really difficult as I do not have much time for all the poses of the series. How shall it be possible to add more poses? Nevertheless to do some variations is helpful.

To try some 3rd series poses yesterday made me modest. It is not within reach and I am busy with so many other poses, this is really enough for me. This is nice to see. There are limits and I am absolute in peace with them.
Why not experimenting with the body. Not every body is the same. To use the series for the own purposes, to modify them if necessary should be allowed. Who will forbid it.

Important is to understand a pose. Each pose aims at something. Some poses open the chest, others open the hips, some poses exercise balance, others strength. It is so exciting.

I looked out of the balcony doors this morning. Rain was coming down, heavy rain. Don't start the day judging anything, I told myself and I shooed away the thought that the angles are crying because it is Monday morning.........

I will focus on the breath today, inhaling, exhaling. Yes, I am tired. So what.

The highlights of the second day with Danny Paradise

He showed us picture of a man, age 72 who does asanas that are so advanced that I can only dream of doing them. This man started doing Ashtanga yoga with 44 years. It is a prove that Ashtanga yoga is not only something for young people as so often stated.

The older the wilder. This is at least true for some Ashtangis. Smile.

Oh, I got a wonderful adjustment for laghu vajrasana. My hands should be on my upper legs. I got help to come out of this pose. Oh, I can feel my muscles already, tomorrow I will be sore.
Workshops surely give the opportunity to try something new, something one does not on a daily basis. I wasn't able to do everything. But I tried kapotasana to get a feeling of this pose.

Yoga is exploration of oneself. So one should allow oneself to be flexible. Sometimes we have to modify our practice because we are injured, sometimes because energy is low - or especially high. Why not use the yoga practice for the own needs.

A fantastic workshop. 3 hours I practiced today. I am done..........

Yoga and the mind

I have almost forgotten something important to write that was mentioned yesterday in the workshop by D. Paradise (I simply love the word paradise.): Yoga calms the mind.
Ok, but why is this so wished to have a calm mind?
We are usually so distracted by the inner chatter of the mind, by it's judging, conceptualizing that we are no more able to perceive what is around as: the singing of a bird, the wind that moves the leaves of a tree.

And Mr Balsekar writes in "Let life flow": Take a break from the mind: Follow the breath. The constant awareness of the breath will detach you from your mind. The energy that usually moves into thinking will move into witnessing.

That way life becomes richer and more joyful.

Oh, my morning cup of coffee and my cake were sooooo good.

What else can Ashtanga yoga do for us?

This post is inspired by the workshop with Danny Paradise:
Yoga, the body work, the asanas can free us from the past. All events, injuries are stored in the body, it is said. Through the asanas the body can become open again, transparent and free.
Does this make sense? I think yes.

The lungs: Doing yoga the capacity of the lungs increases. With this the life force increases.

I practiced uddhiyana bandha, 3 sun saluts A and 3 sun saluts B. Then I did pranayama nadi shodana. And finally I sat down for meditation. After 5 min I stopped. In some books I read that one should start meditation for only 20 min. For me 20 min are an eternity.

A short practice à la Paradise

A short practice à la Paradise consists of "uddhiyana bandha". I don't know if this word is correct. It is if one pulls the belly in and up, after an exhale. It is a good massage for the inner organs. After having attended his last workshop I did this in the beginning of my practice, I gave it up, but I will do it again from now on.

1. First uddiyana bandha.
We didn't chant. The whole practice is a prayer.
2. 3 sun salutations A.
3. 3 sun salutati0ns B.
4. And finally sitting down in lotus pose or what is possible for a final meditation.

These few poses are always possible. And I will do them after having written my journal. The workshop (part 2) is in the early afternoon.

A workshop with Mr Paradise

Danny practices 30 years Ashtanga, traditional in the first 10 years then more freely. And the variations he showed us today were great. I did poses I've never seen so far. This was a challenge. I want to add some poses from time to time to my daily practice. "If the picture of your guru hangs on your wall and he doesn't allow you to do additional poses, then turn the picture around while you practice them", he suggested, "then you are free". Yeahhhh.

He repeated what I hoped he would repeat: With yoga it is possible to stay vital while being in your 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th and 90th. Not necessarily life has to become worse and worse while you get older, he told us. So it is, I am a proof of this. (Oh am I arrogant today.)

Soft adjustments were given. It is the daily practice that brings success and not the pushing. Ashtanga yoga needn't hurt. A daily practice is what I am doing and I know that this is a secret of becoming better and having a relaxed and joyful practice.

I loved to practice in a group, in a nice room with a "master of the masters", with only 15 people, what an exclusive circle of beings.
And tomorrow the second part for me. And now penne al'arrabiate with a glass of red wine. Ohhhh.

This is so true........

Ramesh Balsekar in "Let life flow" page 17: "Dualism means.........- in short, the pursuit of health, wealth, and happiness to the absolute exclusion of sickness, poverty, and pain. This can only mean frustration and disharmony more often than not. The principle of polaric duality, on the other hand, means the willing acceptance of the interrelated opposites as the very basic of both the universe and life therein."

Yes, yes, yes, not wanting the impossible gives peace.

External events

My book "Let life flow" by Ramesh Balsekar arrived yesterday.

In one of his first chapters he wrote about the influence of external events on our mood and happiness. Even 3 pairs of sunglasses or winning the lottery has a positive influence of the well-being of a person for only about 3 months. Then this person falls back to a genetically determined mood level.

Page XV: "Each factor may make a person a little happier, but it has a minor impact, compared with the individual's characteristic sense of well-being."

Page Xii: "The only way you could have this lasting feeling of hating neither yourself nor anyone else - always being comfortable with yourself and with others - is when you are totally convinced, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that no one, neither you yourself nor anyone else, could ever be the doer of any action; that all action can never be anything done by anyone, but a happening that simply could not have not happened according to the universal cosmic law."

That's it. And then a peaceful state is achieved, whatever happens in life, might it be joyful or sad.

Fashion at the company

Yesterday I saw a woman dressed in dark red boots till below the knees - naked legs - a tight black skirt and a dark brown top with long sleeves - around the hips was a red thick belt. I loved this outfit. In a company with 45 % women there is always something to look at, especially the sales people dress up, business-like and sexy at the same time.

Not without having done my sun salutations

I don't leave my cosy home without having done my sun salutations. I overslept today. I cannot remember at all to have heard and switched off my alarm clock. My eyes opened when it was bright day already here. "Oh no, how late is it", I wondered and I saw the disaster when I looked at my little black alarm clock on the window sill: It was 5:40, 40 min after time. It was 10:40 when I was in bed yesterday. My body and mind need 7 hours of sleep at a minimum and they simply make it happen to get it. It is OK.
At 10 to 7 I had finished writing my journal. Time to greet the sun, I thought. To give the body at least a few stretches is good. It is Friday. My energy tank is almost empty. I know this. It is time that the weekend will come.

I will put on my only blue jeans today. Why not. I make this Friday, this cold and rainy Friday to a casual Friday.

Wobbling today

Yes, yes, yes, to start my daily post with yes is something nice. Yes, I was on my mat. I got up on time, but I was on my mat a bit too late. There was time for the standing sequence (wobbling poses today) and the finishing sequence. Not a single pose was sandwiched. It is OK, yes. Let it happen, I think. Accept what is. Don't fight. Enjoy what is.

Back to yesterday: I got breathing recommendations for urdhva dhanurasana. Drop back with an exhale, use the swing and come up with the next inhale. I will play with this now. Visualization shall help me.

My new mat: I use my new mat now (bought a year ago) when I go to classes. It is very sticky. I feared that I couldn't jump through anymore, because this sticky mat would stop me. My feet are touching the mat and slide through so far. But this is not the case. I like my new sticky mat. It is a bit heavier than my blue one, but it is worth carrying it around.
At home I have my heavy black one, very long and thick, made especially for Astanga yoginis.

Thursday, Friday, weekend: I got an additional task at work that I love: Writing something in English, a description of a task that I do - for my Indian colleagues. Soon they will do "my" task. Never before I experienced that we have a world economy. With this task I make myself redundant. My Indian colleagues and friends can do what I do and soon they will. They can do the same for less money.

Good, simply good

The office joke of today:
Me: I want to come up today.
My colleagues: Hahahaha in that company?
Me: No, from urdhva dhanurasana. Hahahaha

And again we laughed a bit too loudly.

But I didn't come up from this pose during Mysore class. When I practice till laghu vajrasana, I am simply a bit weak at the end. I need more strength. Oh, but laghu vajrasana was great today. Only a few centimeters more and my head would touch the floor and I come up again. I think it helps that I can arch back deeper than a few weeks ago. Pashasana is improving also. It was a wonderful evening.

In 5 min I must be in bed. Early in bed early up. My preparation for my morning yoga practice starts the evening before. This is not always easy for a night owl like me.......

Forward bending today

The sun salutations: Year after year I practice sun salutations but now I slowly start understanding these movements. For a life time one can work on them. To match the breath with the movements is still a challenge. Lately I discovered that the very little gap between inhaling and exhaling is not equally long. To finish inhaling and to pause then for a while, no movement, no breathing is a moment of still stand that can be enjoyed. It is the same when exhaling is done.

Paschimottanasana: I wanted to do at least one forward bending. It was paschimottanasana that I sandwiched today. I usually cannot resist to look at my belly when I do this pose. Still too much body fat, I thought.

Pranayama: 2 rounds of alternate nostril breathing today.........hahahaha.
Meditation: I wanted to meditate today, 10 min only. So I unfolded my Indian blanket, folded my legs in lotus pose, right leg first today and set my timer for 10 min. Suddenly I became very sad. You are still fighting I thought. Accept and let go. I felt how a drop of sweat was running down my back, like a thick tear and I enjoyed this.

The cold shower brought me in the here and now.
-------------------------
In the subway I look at the people (when I am not reading) and I think: each life is unique, no single life is like another life.
When I do yoga - then this is my life, when I work as an accountant - then this is my life, when I sit on my sofa reading a book - then this is my life.
Horror meeting today at 2 again. I know - to think of it is worse than to experience it.
And in the evening Mysore class, this is my humble life.

If nothing else is exciting and tingly,...

...my yoga practice remains exciting. I love my daily adventure on my mat. And as this is so exciting, my mind remained on the mat today. Nothing else seemed to be more attractive. I had focus and flow. The result was predictable: I feel amazing now. Smile.
Deep pashasana, no drop backs, but back bending were done. When I started the lower back seemed not to be in line. The practice helped me to give the body adjustments and this little pain disappeared.

I was loosing weight lately. I simply didn't feel like eating. To be thin is supportive. Each kilo plus makes a practice more difficult. And the other way round: Each kilo less makes a practice easier.

With my yoga practice the day simply starts great.
I wanted to omit relaxing pose. This is what you need, I told me, to relax. And so I laid down on the floor and enjoyed my exhausted sweating body for a while.

The breath: Last but not least something about the most important ingredient - the breath. I focused on the gap between inhaling and exhaling. I realized that sometimes the gap is very small, almost not existing, sometimes it is longer longer. To make it even long is the goal.

I am ready for the day. Mile stones are Wednesday Mysore class with B. and the Saturday and Sunday workshop with Danny Paradise. I see these milestones as an award for my doing a not so easy job.

PS: Does anybody know how to delete already moderated comments on blogger? Thanks.

Monday morning blues

Weekend is over. Shit. July has 4 weeks. I study my calender. 4 long weeks in July. Damned.

Energy was felt this morning, a lot of energy. Nevertheless I couldn't transform it into a satisfying practice. I did a few sun salutations - at least something.

A long and difficult week awaits me. I know that thinking of something is often worse than actually living it. Oh, how I wish I could write something uplifting, something funny, something exciting.

I did everything during the last weekend what I wanted to do: I practiced yoga, ironed my clothes and worked on my book.
On my book: I remembered a hint of a writer: First write, then review and criticise.
Don't write, criticise, write, criticise. Separate these too processes. This is not always easy.
My book shall have 12 chapters. Yesterday I wrote 4 chapters. Each chapter is not longer than 1 page. Do 12 pages make a book? I would say "no", this is not enough. But I will go on. Perhaps I see at the end that I do not have so much to say that it would make a book. But then I know it. Then I won't regret that I haven't given it a try. 12 pages only, this drives me crazy. I thought I have something to say that needs 100 pages. So this evening I will do some research on each topic. 12 pages won't allow me to leave the corporate world. I will go on. I see writing a book has funny aspects.

Picture is taken at the Olympic park. A stage can be seen for open air music.

What must happen......

......so that I will say this evening that it had been a satisfying Sunday, I wondered this morning.

Yoga was on my list.
This is done and I had a wonderful practice. It was not the first and half of the second series that I did, like intended. I did the second series till laghu vajrasana.
Pashasana: When the soles of the feet shall remain on the floor the ankles between the upper feet and the shine bones must become smaller. When doing downward dog I separate the feet more from the hands, so far that my heels cannot touch the floor anymore. Then I press my body backwards and the heels down. This is my preparation for pashasana and it works. The pose improves.
Parsva dhanurasana: I bound the strap around my legs above the knees to give myself an adjustment. The legs are supposed to be parallel and they tend to move outwards. The strap keeps them together.
Urdhva dhanurasana: B. told me to drop back 5 times. And this I did today: 5 times I dropped back. 3 times I lifted myself up from lying on the floor. 3 times I arched back from standing position, legs rather close together, without dropping back. Again this dizziness was felt when I came out of the pose. I felt so dizzy that I had to lean against the wall for a while. My interpretation of this: Fear diminished and so I arch back much deeper than a few weeks ago. The veins are perhaps pressed so that the blood cannot flow freely when in that pose. When I come up the blood can flow again, but this probably creates the dizziness.

Pranayama:
Greedily I inhaled, long and even.
I held the breath.
Exhausted I exhaled.
And again........

What must still happen that I can say this evening: This was a good Sunday:
- I want to iron my clothes
-I want to write my book.

Pre-yoga time

Whatever I want to do, the beginning seems to be difficult - sometimes. It is a moment. I know this. From thinking of doing something till doing it actually is a gap. This gap is sometimes filled with additional thinking like: Shall I really do this. Perhaps I can do it later......and so on. This thinking absorbs all the energy and nothing happens. So to make things happen, thinking must stop.

Time to do yoga - no inner discussions anymore..........
I fear it will remain a challenge to do yoga alone. But I am a lonesome wolf and I like it.

Munich - Olympic hall, television tower and BMW

...and everything on one single picture.
...and tomorrow I practice yoga again, the first series and the second till laghu vajrasana. Yes!!

Lousy food and too many people

I am glad that I knew and loved the Tollwood festival already when it was not yet so popular. Nowadays it is crowded. It was nice to walk and to take some pictures. Nothing to complain and the falafel didn't kill me.

Summer time - mating time

A personal religion

A Personal Religion Of Your Own - BookBy Ramesh S. Balsekar
Remain relaxed in Consciousness. In any situation, do whatever you feel you should do without any regrets about the past, without any complaints in the present, without any expectations for the future, and importantly without blaming and condemning anyone for anything – neither yourself nor the 'other'.This will enable you to live your life, constantly connected to the Source, and will give you happiness through peace of mind:Sukha - ShantiThis will be your personal religion: Sukha - Shanti.

Nobody else is so clear like Ramesh Balsekar.

To throw things away - an act of liberation

When I wake up tomorrow morning I will know that I didn't dawdle the night before. I was busy cleaning my home this evening, which means I ironed , washed clothes, did the dishes, put things at their places. And I was looking for things that I could throw away. I didn't find so much.
So last but not least I brought the garbage down as and symbolic act to let go, to become free.

The coffee that I drank before my activities surely helped me to be so full of energy.
For now it is enough. Tomorrow the party can go on.

Done

I left this place behind me for a quick break called weekend. It's not a bad place, I had other ones already. As long as I feel better at home than at an office everything is still OK.

Break. Cut. Tralali I am at home tralala.

Time to work on my book..........
Oh and I'm so looking forward to yoga tomorrow. No time limit will spoil my practice. :)

Friday

I woke up at 3 am. I knew that it was much too early to get up. 7 hours of sleep are a minimum that I need to be relaxed the other day. So I closed my eyes again and I slept again for another 2 hours.

This morning I did a few sun salutations A and B. That was all. It is OK. Friday is the last day of the working week and it seems as if my energy tanks are almost empty.

Might my current job situation open my eyes, might my current job situation give me hope, might my current job situation provoke me so much that I have the energy to work on my project, my book. I am alone this weekend, I have plenty of time for myself. This is already a plan: to write my book.

To let go: It is a good exercise to let go. It is an important ability in life: to let go. And it is not easy. Consciously I throw stuff out. Consciously I create a vacuum with this act, knowing that new things will happen when I create room and they do happen.........Nothing can be held for an eternity (not even life itself).

Always

The shoulders move down and backwards, always, even when doing forward bending. The chest opens. There are a few exceptions, but only a few.
Practice this morning was great. I realized that I had an intensive practice yesterday, but I was not overstretched and highly motivated.

B. gave me homework yesterday: Do drop backs 5 times every day, she told me. Today I dropped back once into urdhva dhanurasana. I felt dizzy when I arched back from standing pose. I had to hold myself at the wardrobe. Perhaps it was reasonable to stop. 5 times, yes, next time. To stand up is coming, I felt it yesterday. I always stand up......so.

Pashasana: The fingers could hook, even though it was the early morning. Yepee.

The golden cage: My job is not a golden cage, but I don't want to be in a golden cage. It is boring there. Today I am more optimistic that I can stay at that company. One woman will be in hospital during August. That's why I think they need staff. It is already too late to substitute two people. I trust that I know when it is time to go by myself. So far I still see my job as a challenge. And it has a lot of positive aspects, too. It allows me to practice yoga in the morning. I work only 36 hours, which is almost 5 hours more for myself than I'd have in other companies. I am paid well. I work as a freelancer which gives me the feeling of being free.
Nevertheless from time to time I will write about the not so nice aspects. I am not a person who gives up so quickly, not regarding asanas, not regarding people or tests I want to pass. There are always ups and downs. There are rewards when not giving up: I have friends that I know 30 years now (and also between dear friends can happen crises), I have passed difficult tests, which gives me confidence. Last but not least my yoga practice is an example how rewarding it can be to go on and to go on. My job is limited and this is good. It is important to be sensitive and to know when to go. It is not the time yet..........

Excellent, I knew it

My practice today was the best I ever had. I had flow. I flew through the asanas. All these demanding asanas like supta kurmasana, mariychasana b and c and urdhva dhanurasana were great. They felt great, I enjoyed them. The body didn't show resistance and the mind knew that what was going on on the mat was the most interesting movie. I could forget everything else of my humble life. So my mind and my body played together. It was a perfect evening.

My job: No, I am an Ashtangi, I don't give up so fast. Breath by breath I'll make it till March 31. Of course.

The tree: It shows me its summe face now. Also in July I could take a picture of it. See you in September, tree. :)

The next half of 2009 has started

Yoga: I did a few sun salutations. I had a lot of energy this morning, but I was not able to use it for an intensive yoga practice. Self-talks and thinking of my job used up this energy. This evening I will go to a Mysore class, so it is OK that I haven't had an intensive practice, I think. I will probably have a good practice because I lost some weight again. I didn't feel like eating much lately.

Job: It was a most aggressive day again with much work yesterday.
The woman from the employment agency of my my colleagues visited the company. I'm not sure if this was so professional from her, but she mentioned that she was asked to search another person for the team. I doubt this. We have all enough to do, but we don't need another person. It is not in the budget either. Again I fear that I have to go. When this woman left us, she soon called my colleague and asked her to phone her back from another room at once, as she wanted to tell her something. My colleague came back after 30 minutes. I felt that she got secret information. I will ask her today, what she has learned. This was not such a good behaviour from that person from that employment agency. But so people are. This is all awful. I mean in most cases also in mine, to have a job is a survival kit. Why to scare people.
What ever will happen, I know that I will accept it. I have to. I know that it will be good for me in the long run. Perhaps I won't understand this fully for the moment, but surely when some time has passed. I want to keep a bad job for money reason, this is not enough to have a fulfilled life. Work does matter. The tasks are rather limited for me at that company. It is mostly checking incoming invoices and coding it for the Indians. The atmosphere in the group is volatile, most of the time aggressive. There are nice colleagues, too, this consoles. But all the positive aspects are not a reason to think of a future there. I fear the worst today again. One colleague will return from 2 days vacation......this always means trouble.

Perhaps I shall go to India earlier than April 2010. This is what I will do when I have to go.........

It is sunny here and this is simply wonderful. I like to dress skirts. Huh, finally something positive, something I like. Summertime is my time.