Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Quick and dirty,..

...but a practice. I hurried through the suryas and the standing sequence. I had time for some back bending including urdhva dhanurasana. I didn't drop back this morning, I felt too stiff. Time is over now. I have to go on with other activities. It was good. It was wonderful to do be on my mat moving the body, calming the mind.

The first half of the year is over (oh already?):
I got something for my purse: a job
I got something for my heart: some love
I got something for my body: dropping back into urdhva dhanurasana
And the mind is busy all the time...........

Oh, what will happen in the second half - wishes are always there, a lot of......

Daily discussion with my nice colleague (several times every day):
Shall we stay or shall we go? Shall we stay or shall we go?
(We want to leave the company both at the same time - hahahaha)
Current opinion: We'll hang in there. We'll stay till the end of March 2011, but we should discuss it again at the end of August. It's half time for me by then. Sigh.

Monday, June 29, 2009

A few sun salutations

My morning practice lasted not very long. I had the energy for a few sun salutations. It is important to do a bit, this can be enough from time to time. I feel mercy with myself. I had good practices during the weekend. So....

On my positive attitude to feelings that we don't want so much like, discontentment, fear, sadness, hopelessness, desperation and so on. I know that only because these feelings exist it is also possible to experience joy, satisfaction, hope, happiness, optimism.
This I can remember when not so nice feelings visit me. I know nothing lasts forever. I observe: how does it look like when I am discontent, sad? I would even go so far to say that I enjoy all of my feelings. They show me that I am alive.

Office hell awaits me now for another week. I will greet my colleagues before reading my emails. When I've read the emails usually I don't want to be polite anymore. 99% of the emails consists of pointing at mistakes that I shall have made, manager on cc. In half of the cases it is not true, and in the other cases it is not really important. So, first greeting, then reading. 9 more months and it is will be over.

I have also highlights during these 9 months:
July: Workshop with Danny Paradise.
August: It is summer time, what else can I wish
September: nada
October: chocolate fair in Paris with yogis.
November: Dubai with E.
..............to be continued.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Forward and up


I just finished my "Sunday morning practice". Second series is also exhausting. Smile.
Laghu vajrasana is coming. Never before I was so close to the floor with my head than today and I came up the same way as I went down.
Forward and up, I think when I am in urdhva dhanurasna. Forward and up is also a good mantra for my coming days.

Yoga teaches me so much


Discipline i.e.: Yesterday morning I remembered that I had to pick up a book from the post office. The night before I went to bed without washing myself, with all the make-up on my face I went to bed. I brushed my teeth of course, this I always do. (always). The next morning I wanted to go to the post office without washing either. I felt so down, so very down, so low in energy, nothing mattered anymore. "Wash yourself", an inner voice told me (it was not my mother.) And so I schlepped myself to the bathroom for intensive body care. I left the house showered with washed hair and well-groomed nails. I put nice clothes on and felt already so much better. Discipline. To practice yoga on a daily basis I learn to be disciplined. To be disciplined helps in life.

To see the ups and downs on a daily basis when practicing yoga also makes hopeful that this is true for life in general. And it is.

I picked up my book (The well-fed self-publisher by Peter Bowerman) and went shopping: I found so wonderful clothes (a skirt, 2 blouses, a jacket, shoes), a tiny Buddha, ear rings, a book, something to smell, cherries........

Late in the evening I practiced. It was a good and intensive practice. I could even hook my fingers when I did supta kurmasana. I dropped back into urdhva dhanurasana.
A late walk downtown finished my evening.
My Sunday morning practice is before me and so many other things.

(Oh my, the mind entertained me so well lately. Thoughts of its finest.)

My next focus in my yoga practice: to come up from urdhva dhanurasana. I want to complete this dynamic symbolic pose.

Friday, June 26, 2009

It is only energy in different forms


Everything is energy. Step on your mat and practice, I thought this morning. Give your sadness and disappointment another expression but hanging on the sofa being full of self-pity. It is all only energy, it is the task to find a satisfying expression. And so I stepped on my mat, full of negative energy, but energy. Energy is great (neutral), it is how we use it that counts. What a practice. I didn't need breaks. Vinyasas between the poses were performed. I was strong. The sadness changed to stubbornness. I went on with my practice and I went on, till it was almost too late to drop some lines here.

Marichyasana: I wouldn't have given up. I had to reach the wrists today and I did. Grimly I turned my body around, pushed the shoulders down, next side. I behaved as if I can enforce anything. I know that this is not possible, neither on the mat nor in life.

Urdhva dhanurasana: As my body was rather soft today, back bending was good, too. Now I know how to fall, even backwards. How to come up is the question. Do I have to come up on my own? Do I really have to do everything on my own?
(The hidden meaning of difficult poses: On urdhva dhanurasana I worked 4 years. First I had to push me up, it took me a long time till my arms were straight. Then after 2 years perhaps I started dropping back with my teacher. Now I do it alone. I never believed I could do it. I thought I am too old for this. But I can do it now. Simply practicing day in day out made me finally doing it. It is good to observe the thoughts : It will never happen. To give it any meaning is not useful. I don't give up so fast, in nothing, no I don't. Now I have to come up. On my own, I know. I have to grow up.)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

2 days left

After the sauna yesterday I slept very well. I woke up relaxed.
This morning I did surya namaskaras, my body was soft. There was time for the standing poses. Then time was over. I sat down in padmasana for a while and bowed forward. That was it. I regret it that I haven't been more disciplined and that I was too late on my mat. I am so prone to dawdle.

I counted: 5 people at my current job simply don't like me (this is nicely said). And they are not professional enough to hide their aversion. Simple politeness doesn't seem possible for them. They wish me away. If a mistake occurs (i.e. a stamp on an invoice where there shouldn't be a stamp), it was always me, even though I do not stamp now. It is amazing how important such tiny things are. A stamp on an invoice that shouldn't be there, I mean to be realistic, this is nothing, nothing. Of course I cannot blame our apprentice for this. She is helping us. So I observe the aggression. I start doubting if I really like to stay there another 9 months. A lot of people would be glad if I went. No, I will stay another few months. I can change my mind every day. My ability to suffer is rather great. And I also have to survive. I only have to care financially for me, and it is such a struggle from time to time, this drives me crazy.
I shouldn't forget the nice colleagues.
And the situation is a great motivation to work on alternatives. Another company is not an alternative.
(Oh, what a negative post in the morning., after a wonderful relaxing evening. It is as it is, there are always ups and downs. I know very well, that we only know what relaxation is because we know how it feels not to be relaxed. We only know what joy is because we also know the opposite.)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

In the best hotel of this city

Ah it was great to sweat in a sauna in one of the prettiest hotels here: "Bayrischer Hof". I sweated in the sauna, I swam naked in the pool. I relaxed, drank water. This is really Western luxury here. My body feels great.

A cold shower in the morning

After a sleepless night I got up at 5 as usual. Routines are the skeleton of my days. They stabilize me. No yoga today, it was my personal moon day. I don't feel sorry about it. Today I sat on my sofa and enjoyed to have time for myself before going to work. It will be a hard day. One colleague is on vacation for 2 days and I will have to do parts of her job, too. In addition my nice colleague who sits in the same room is talking the entire day without interruption. Either she has questions or she is talking otherwise. It is almost impossible to focus on my own difficult invoices. And there are difficult invoices on my desk.
It is planned to relax in the sauna after work in one of the big hotels here. It is rainy outside and very cold.
The shower in the morning after my sofa sitting session was great. The cold water always brings me in the here and now.
Might I have energy today to manage everything.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Standing poses - balancing poses

No wobbling this morning, when I did the standing poses. I was somehow centered. I was too late on my mat, so I practiced only till ushtrasana and I finished my yoga practice with a very quick closing sequence. Last pose was padmasana, I bowed forward so that my front touched the fresh mat, my arms and fingers pointed backwards. How relaxing.

Ms Sher is so inspiring: See your "wrong job" as a source for a novel that you will write one day, she recommends. My current job is really a gift seen like this.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Four days more

Four more days and tomorrow another nightmare meeting. I need glasses in order to read. But to see I can sometimes without glasses.
I am counting, the days, weeks, months, no more the hours, because I have too much to do now.
Nevertheless it is planned to stay till March 31 next year, if the Gods and Goddesses want me to do this. I want. (...and then India again)

And sometimes I have even wonderful encounters at my job. I withdraw a bit this is true, I go to lunch alone. I prefer to eat alone and not to talk, to eat, to talk to eat or even worse to listen to the complaints and gossip about others. But today a woman joined me. We talked about the beautiful stars when sleeping in a sleeping bag on the hills in front of Munich. We talked about the birds, especially one bird that she inherited. After lunch I followed her to her office room. We closed the door. She has recorded the bird on her phone and she wanted me to listen to it's words. What a great moment. This bird could speak. We smiled.

Overstretched

My practices during the weekend seemed to be intensive. I was overstretched this morning. So much, that my fingers couldn't touch the floor when I bowed forward into uttanasana during the first surya namaskara A. I was attentive, but went on. Breathing helped and the experience that it is good to go on cautiously. Finally when I did the last surya namaskara B, my flat hand was on the floor again and the pain was gone. A wonderful practice followed.
I was able to reach the wrist in marichyasana a.
It is strange, but sometimes I feel dizzy when I come out of certain poses like ardha baddha padmottanasana and when coming up from back bending (preparation for urdhva dhanurasana). I feel so dizzy, that I have to sit down, because I fear to fall otherwise. Whyever this is so. It is important to be attentive to oneself, this helps to avoid most injuries.

I did pranayama at the end. As meditation I chanted aum several times, so often till my voice wasn't trembling anymore.

I remembered my pranayama teacher in India, who wanted me to bow forward and to honor the teachers before practicing. To dedicate the practice or poses to someone might have the same meaning: to forget oneself and to think of others from time to time, to be thankful, to remember that love is something wonderful in life.

(It becomes harder and harder to leave the house to go to work. 5 working days are in front of me, I think and try not to desperate but to think that I will be able to manage it. Sigh.)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A new bar 2 houses away


No, I prepare the next Monday not with a drink. Bars on Sunday evening are not good for the morning yoga practice.

It never ends - learning

The picture was taking during a seminar. I had the topic: photography as a method in sociology. I made beautiful pictures. One of the results: First people are aware of the camera and sit proberly and try to behave proberly. Soon the camera is forgotten and then one can make the real shots.

University in Berlin

Yes, I became critical towards everything.

The rooms really looked like in the picture. This was not important for me.

Learning - a life time

Here I learned to read and to write. Thank you. To be able to read and to write is a most precious gift for life.
I am grown up in a little village with 200 inhabitants. There was only one school, pupils from 6 through 14 were in the same class room.

Everything that helped was appreciated

And today it was Joe Cocker, a CD by him. I practiced to music today. It made it easy to practice without breaks. My legs were a bit overstretched from the intensive practice of yesterday. This pain disappeared the longer I practiced. I had to be very attentive not to exaggerate.
Today the fingers could hook again when I did pashasana. Dropped back again, I allowed this adventure to happen.
I enjoyed my practice which is most important. No time pressure on Sunday which is great, too.
Pranayama, yes, this I did, too, a few round of alternate nostril breathing.
Meditation - later perhaps.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

A late practice, but a good one

Late I was on my mat only to experience an excellent practice. Not a single asana was omitted and I enjoyed them all. I sweated, was flexible and strong. Exactly what I needed to go on with fresh motivation.
Highlights: I dropped back again from standing position into urdhva dhanurasana. Loved it.

Around my yoga practiced I want to build my life and not the other way round. This practice centers my life.

Ahhhhh, so good. When it is over I have the feeling that I could go on and on and on. But this is not true. After such an intensive practice the body wants to relax.
Pranayama was great, too. To play and observe the breath is so beautiful.

I slept too long

But now I am up. The plan is to go out and to think about my future. hahahahaha. A bit of dreaming with open eyes should be allowed.
And then action, action, action must follow. Action. Letting action happen. Let it happen, baby.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The sound of the rain on the roofs

Sitting on my Indian blanket I listened to the heavy rain that is coming down today. I had my breakfast at the open balcony door and loved the freshness.
The valley is already behind me. As long as I can work for the company I will do so, when it shall be over, I shall know that this was the best for me.
Yesterday in the evening, I went to the Karolingenplatz and enjoyed the warm evening. Many people gather there, some even have dinner on the stony steps. It is a wonderful place.
To stay at home would be great.
Again I get the message to do something else but accounting, but what, what, what???
I am so glad that it is Friday, so glad.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

After work III

How wonderful it is to be at home. How good that I can say anything positive this evening.

After work II


After work I

U's little helper:

Sharat, Sharat's CD, first Ashtanga series helped me to be focused (not only this, this CD made me start practicing). I used this CD this morning for the surya namaskaras and the standing sequence. I was wobbling, out of balance, stiff, weak, I felt dizzy in addition. The last days I only practiced the sun salutations and this is not enough. There are some people who admire me because I practice daily. I am convinced it is much more difficult to practice only once a week. It is hard, I thought after almost every pose.

I plan to practice again with the CD tomorrow. It is a great help. That way I remain longer in the poses. I realized that my breath is deeper and longer nowadays. A few years ago the counting was perfect for me, today it seemed to be rather fast.
Alone I went on with second series.
Pashasana: the fingers could touch
Urdhva dhanurasana: I pressed myself up three times, didn't drop back from standing pose.
Pranayama: four rounds
Meditation: chanted aaaaauuuuuuuummmmmmmmm (several times, didn't count)

Work: another feed back conversation today. Exactly what I wish for this morning (sarcasm).

I remember Osho's wisdom: Don't expect the impossible, don't expect to be happy all the time. Happiness can be experienced only because the opposite feelings exist, too.
My personal favourite feeling is not happiness (even though it is a nice one, of course). I wonder what my favourite feeling is. This might also change. There are so many positive feelings. Feeling relaxed, feeling trustful, feeling confidence, being curious and learning something new are feelings I appreciate very much. And there are others, too...........

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

5 to 7, I had to stop

I overslept today. I wanted to write my journal, so time for yoga was limited. I am so glad that I finally found the way to my mat. There was time for a few surya namaskara A and B. Not enough. Not enough. Time is over now. My body became stiff, I ate too much chocolate lately in addition. Today is a new day. My breath shall be my focus during the day. To be aware is the goal, it's worth to put effort in it.

The sun is shining, I will wear a dress today.
An orange is waiting for me in the kitchen, something healthy in the morning
Kitchen........time to do the dishes, I want to have a clean kitchen when I return from work.
Time to go on with my life. ............

Reminder: what gives me energy?
Less food, breaks, water, being aware, enjoying what I'm doing, deep breathing.........

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I postponed it till the last moment....

....and the last moment was this morning.
At 9 the form has to be at the health insurance. It is done.
Also these bureaucratic things have to be done.
No yoga today. How frustrating.
The gap from thinking to doing is still too big for certain activities. If I had filled in the form yesterday in the evening, I would have had time to do yoga this morning. But this is spilt milk of yesterday.

Tuesday, the actual working day is much better than thinking about it.
I laugh almost every day several times. I am very busy now, and I prefer this than sitting around having nothing to do.
Time to go on with my morning routine: shower, breakfast, dressing and finally leaving my cosy home.

Monday, June 15, 2009

This was not what I call a yoga practice

It was difficult to get up this morning. My eyes were still half-closed when I walked to the kitchen. It was as if I looked through a veil. Coffee. I loved to see the kitchen clean, my work yesterday evening. This opened my eyes, my sparkling kitchen (and the coffee).

Finally, much too late I stood on my mat. After 2 "moon days" my body was stiff. I did a few surya namaskaras A and B, then the time was over. I am a bit disappointed about this, but now it is over. I must search a yoga class for me as B. is on a workshop herself for the next two weeks. Once a week a yoga class is perfect for me. I need this to stay motivated.

Monday: Again we shall have a full week, 5 days. This requires a long and calm breath. I want to count the weeks that I want to be in the company from now on. Somehow I want to bring it behind me, knowing that this is not a good attitude. What could please me to go to my job, I wonder. My work has also very positive sides really, I must only focus on them: the nice office, the nice colleagues (there are also nice ones), that I am learning something, that I earn money that will allow me my trips. This should be enough motivation to leave the house this morning.

I haven't gained weight during the weekend. That's good. I could eat vegetables and salad at the birthday party. This was as so often the best strategy to stay slim.

Time to prepare a breakfast.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Back in the here and now

Time to arrive in Munich again mentally. It is wonderful to travel. It is effort, I get out of my routine, I have to improvise, but each time I come back full of inspirations. And it seems as if I have the energy not only to dream about my wishes but to take action. Action now.

Time for conversations

When people become older they often think of retirement. I make it short.
It is important to find an activity that is so joyful that one loves it so much that one does not like to stop at age 59 or so.
Please let me find something that I love to do till I will close my eyes forever.
(It is surely not my current accounting job.)

Picture: A street in a small town in Germany

A swing

I couldn't resist. What a joy to swing on a swing.

G's birthday

G had her 85th birthday and with every year she is becoming more joyful. The location (picture) was great, the sun was shining, too. Food, I had salads and vegetables, the service, everything was perfect for the 31 guests.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I am counting

I am counting, but not the surya namaskara A and B, that I did this morning. I managed it to roll out the mat and to do the sun salutations. The body was stiff, so stiff, incredible. Again I experienced how good it was to go on and to do another sun salution. With each one the body became softer. Padmasana followed. I bowed forward and injoyed my breath. Time was over.

When is half of the project over?
How many days do I still have to work?
Is half of June already over?
How many hours do I have to stay today?
When will be the next banking holiday?
How often will I still take a picture of the tree?
These questions I ask myself when I study my calender. This tells me, that I am not so happy with my job. I have really nice colleagues, a nice manager, but one difficult person in a team can spoil the entire working atmosphere. Do I exagerate? Probably, yes. Last but not least I am happy that money is coming in.

I will travel to the north of Germany late in the afternoon. I am invited to a birthday party. I won't have time for yoga and for blogging. I hope I don't eat too much...........I'll be back on Monday.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A day off



Taking pictures - my future?

Writing - my future?

Selling pearls - my future?

I am so relaxed in the here and now. The weather invites me to stroll around outside.

I focus on laghu vajrasana, urdhva dhanurasana and relaxing pose

I practiced this morning and I realized that laghu vajrasana and urdhva dhanrasana belong together. Laghu vajrasana teaches me how to come up when I am on my knees, while my head is on the floor. Till now I exercise first only to go back so far that I can come up again. When my head touches the floor I cannot come up again. It is important to use the thighs and to push the pelvis forward in order to come up. The upper body follows at last.

Doing urdhva dhanurasana I stand on my feet. The arms are stretched over the head and can support the coming up. Rocking forward helps to come up, one can even push the body up. (Till now I cannot come up yet, but I'm studying how this can be possible.)

I often practice alone. My strap gives me adjustments. I bind it around my upper legs to keep the legs parallel. In both poses the knees tend to drift away from each other, the big toes want to kiss each other. When the strap keeps the legs parallel the pelvis must come forward, this finally supports the coming up. Yoga develops body feeling.

I often want to omit the 5 min relaxing pose at the end. I know that it is so important to relax deeply. It is easy after all these asanas, but it must be done. I laid done today and relaxed. It is such a nice pose.

Pranayama was great too. After 7 min I stopped meditation, I had enough, became restless. Hahahaha.

Always the current moment

Better than ever I can bring my mind to the current moment. Focus, concentration can be learned.
My yoga practice at the Mysore class was exhausting and relaxing at the same time yesterday.
Relaxing because I could let go of the thoughts about my current activities to earn some money.
Exhausting because the practice is exhausting. I have lost a bit of strength. To practice till laghu vajrasana meant to go to my limits.
I dropped back on my own again. This is still a highlight for me. I can do it and I even enjoy it. I feel that one day it will be possible to stand up. It's coming.

My intention for my morning practice today shall be to enjoy when being in an asana. I want to practice with a relaxed face, observing what is.
It should be possible to keep a relaxed face even when feeling the edges (pain) when stretching into anasana.
It should be possible to keep a relaxed face even when pushing oneself.
Then beauty comes to the practice.

A quote by Osho: Awareness is a single solution to all problems. (How true)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Not without my sun salutations

I don't leave the house without having done my sun salutations. They are a must. The first one is usually a bit stiff and awkward, the second one is already much better, it doesn't hurt anymore like a few years ago. So I enjoyed my sun salutations this morning. I don't want to reduce my practice to the sun saluts, for the last days it was so. This evening I go to a Mysore class, this is my motivation injection for the week. Tomorrow will be a day off, so I will have much time to practice a whole series. This shall be OK.

Yesterday the manager himself came to the office room of my colleague and me to show us our coding mistakes on the invoices. Soon it was clear that the coding list has changed. Thus we made double as much mistakes as usual. We weren't informed about the new list. Nevertheless our colleagues didn't hesitate to forward our coded invoices to our manager. I pointed out that we didn't have the new list. We had to justify ourselves already, what I don't like to do. My colleague got so upset, it was effort to convince her to stay. In the afternoon she was lauging again. Sigh.

On my way home a colleague (a tall blond woman) of another departement catched up with me and we walked to the train together. I smell it from far if someone has been for decades in the company. These people have a flair of complacency, they feel non-redeemable. This feeling soars every year being in the company.
After a few words if I walked to the train, too, the following conversation developped.
Me: You work for the company already for a while?
She: Yes.
Me: 30 years?
She smiling: Almost 27 years.
I knew it I thought.
Me: Have you ever thought to leave the company?
She: When I was younger, but not now anymore, I am over 50.
Thinking: I am also over 50, but next year I have to look for another job.
Me: I understand this.
Me: I will work for the company till next year till the end of March.
She: But then you won't get a company pension.
Me: This is true, I used to work for the medium-sized companies and they usually don't offer company pensions.
I could feel what she was thinking: Ha, I have a company pension and you not.
Further topics: where we live, if we prefer the city or the countryside.
On my way home I was thinking all the time: Shit, she'll get a company pension and I won't get a company pension. Shit.
(I wouldn't have been able to stay so long in a company, nothing for me, so...money shall come to me, money shall come to me through other channels. Please.)

PS: I don't think that I am a very good accountant, but I am good in stress situations, I am a good trouble shooter. My colleague admires me for that. "The more stress we have the better you are", she told me yesterday, I loved this compliment, might it be true or not)

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Evening

Fruits and vegetables for the body.
A book to read and people to talk to for the mind.
And something or someone to love for the soul..........ahhhhh, this sounds good.

Time to go to bed...........

Clarity

I slept well. This is very good.
Doing yoga I do body postures, I go (not every day) but the intention is to go to the limit and then to go a bit further. That way I developed body feeling, I know where my limits are, I am sensitive enough to feel them. I also learned to bear the pain that is felt when I reach my limits, this is often even a good feeling. Going too far into a pose can have the consequence of an injury. Thus sensitivity is necessary, it is important to respect the limits in order to go further into a pose.

I fine-tuned my sensitivity towards myself within the last years (I don't write about self-pity here). I trust myself that I will know when it is better to leave my current job. For now I will go on.

I have very nice colleagues and a smart and nice manager, too. One person wants me to go. The situation is very clear, everything is on the surface. My focus is the given tasks, this is clear, too.
To write that I like to go to work today is an exaggeration. I am very conscious that many many people are in a much worse situation. So I have nothing to complain. Life is so, up and down, sunshine and rain, storm and calmness.

I practiced today and I loved it. No challenges, I only wanted to enjoy what I have learned so far. I did the suryas, how wonderful is that. I did the standing poses and a few forward bending poses on my back bending day. I felt more like forward bending today.

Life can only be lived day by day, breath by breath.
This moment counts and it is a wonderful one.

Monday, June 08, 2009

I deserve a red wine this evening

I didn't expect that people who don't like me will start liking me because this is an item on the schedule. So nothing will change. Come colleagues will love me, some are neutral, one person wants me to go. Hahahaha.
On a more general level: It is often more exciting to think of a "feared" meeting than to be actually there. Nevertheless the meeting, the people at the meeting today were entertaining, not everybody had fun.
My life at that job will remain difficult. I will go on.
Oh, time to go out......

It's Monday

It was very comfortable on the sofa this morning. I wrote in my journal, many pages were written today. I knew that it would be good to do something for the body, so I stepped on my mat, planning to do only relaxing asanas.
I did a few surya namaskaras a and b. This is always a perfect start. They make the body flexible, they wake me up. I bowed forward into uttanasana. Some twists followed andforward stretching while sitting on the mat. I finished with padmasana, I bowed forward and put my front on the carpet. I wanted to remain there forever.

My rounds of alternate nostril breathing reminded me how important the breath is.

To wish in the morning that the day would be over already is not a good beginning of any day. I think the work situation is now bad enough so that I must develop energy to work on my other projects. I forbid me to think further but to the next breath now.
It's raining here. I must eat something. It's energy. I want to stay at home. The working week has only 4 days, Thursday is a day off. And I need this day off. Buh, I want to stay at home, but as I am not ill (thanks God) I will go.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

I practiced

I wanted to dedicate my morning practice to anything/anybody. The only thought that came into my mind was to dedicate this practice to myself. This was even for me a bit too much self-pity.

So I practiced without dedication the practice to anything or anybody.
The breath helped me to stretch the arms upwards. It felt good to start with surya namaskara a. The breath can be so powerful. Over the years my breath became deeper.
The body was flexible, the mind heavy and weak. I hadn't the strength mentally to lift myself up into urdhva dhanurasana. After a quick closing sequence I put my mat away and put my Indian blanket on the floor. I burnt incense from Japan to create a nice atmosphere. Then I did a few rounds of pranayama, alternate nostril breathing. I couldn't meditate or concentrate anymore (this needs a lot of energy), but I remained on my blanket for a while and bowed forward while in padmasana (my favourite pose beside janu sirsasana a).

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Three women and three handbags

On their last day our Indian colleagues gave each women of the team an Indian hand bag. They put three handbags on one desk of our room and we could decide which one we wanted. I knew at once which one I wanted. It was not only a matter of good manners and politeness to wait till our youngest colleague would return, but also a bit of sensitivity. Soon she came, had made obviously a quick decision, took quickly one of the handbags, laughed and was happy.
Now two handbags were left on the desk and 2 women. My preferred one was still there. I asked my pregnant colleague to make a choice and assured her that every decision would be best for me. She took the colorful one, the one I would have taken.

Then I looked at the bag that was still on the desk and I knew that I got exactly the bag that was perfect and most beautiful for me. I am so glad that I made no decision, but that I let life happen. We all got "our" handbag and we are all happy.

No decision was necessary to make.

Focus

To focus on the breath is what I exercise every morning.
And now I focus on my weekend activities. I am able to leave the last working week behind me, I feel good. This is good news.
To be able to let go, to be able to focus are very helpful abilities for life.

Nevertheless I think I must also write about the positive experiences at work. There seem to be a lot of people who really like me and want me to stay at the company, including the manager. Incredible how an accounting job can be so emotional. I hope that the days will become more factual again. Weekend now. I need this break from work.

Friday, June 05, 2009

I enjoy my life, I enjoy that I am alive


I enjoy my life: It offers me such a variety of situations and people. It must be called rich.
I have a rich life. Point.

Affection and aversion are part of life and I experience both, within hours. It is an exciting time.

I stepped on my mat this morning and I did surya namaskara A und B, uttanasana (forward bending) and padmasana. I felt my body and I was in the here and now. I cannot be unhappy when I hear the sound of my breath. I looked out of the window and saw the birds how they flied and jumped. Oh.

It would be a lie if I wrote that I like to go to work today. But it is Friday the last day of the week, I will survive it. E will invite me for dinner. That will finish my working week. Sigh.


Picture: Further impressions of the garden of my parents.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

They simply hate me

Some of my colleagues simply hate me, others love me. I focus on those who love me. But there is so much aggression against me (I have no clue why) that today the manager wanted to talk to me. He told me that he already took action against it. He does not like at all the behaviour of my colleagues, but can he really do anything against it? I don't think so.
I had to pick up a book from the mail station. On my way to that mail box I wondered how I was feeling. But I don't feel aggressively on my side. I am bored by such a behaviour. My goal is to stay in that company for the next 10 months for money reasons. That's it. Not that I do not see what's going on. The time that I will be there is limited and I simply don't want to allow other people to spoil my life. I like it that I am so successful at it.
Next Monday will be the next meeting: The 2 colleagues and the boss and me shall meet, and we shall discuss so long till friendliness will be there (goal of the manager). I cannot imagine this. I also don't know what to say as I am not interested in the behaviour of these colleagues. No I won't become ill, but I want to be somewhere else on Monday. This I already know. But I have to be in that show and I have to play the role of the victim. Not a role I like, I also don't feel like this. What to say, what to say during such a meeting. This is awful. I want to avoid it, but I also know I shouldn't avoid it. Perhaps it is entertaining. No, I am not that cool re this confrontation meeting.
Focus, I know how to focus. During working hours I focus on the work that has to be done. And here I have so much to do, too. I am relaxed (not when I think of next Monday, but who is telling me to think of next Monday.)

I cannot help but think that the months that I work in such companies will find an end. How and what I will do then remains in the dark. I don't know. These new events are more or less a message for me, to collect my energies and to create something else.
I didn't stop at the new Martini bar 3 houses away. My mind must be clear.
Time to go to bed and to dream something sweet.

Shalambasana was my back bending today

I stepped on my mat and I knew at once that I had an intensive practice yesterday evening. The body was stiff. I focused on the breath and this helped not to feel the stiffness that much. The longer I practiced the better felt my body. I made breaks between the asanas, but I remained on the mat and continued breathing. Time is without mercy. I could do shalambasana this morning. When I wanted to do pranayama and meditation I had to stop due to lack of time. Padmasanas was my closing asana today.

I love pranayama. My alternate nostril breathing exercise was my highlight today.
The 10 min meditation were long.

Why all these practices? Is my yoga practice an already lost fight against aging? I think yoga keeps me young, means strong and flexible. Often forgotten is, it also keeps me healthy. To stay slim is healthy i.e. Yoga adds joy to my life. It feels good to practice. I exercise focus, being in the here and now and this is so helpful in the chaos of life, too. In other words: What a luck for me that I found these yoga exercises.

Time to have breakfast. It will be a fresh mango with soy yogurt.
The picture is taken in the garden of my parents.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Flow

Mysore class this evening was great again.
I felt flow. I let the breath usher me through the series.
The sound of the breath (uddjiay breathing) reminds me of the waves of the ocean.
I love to listen to the sound of my breath, or is it the ocean?
When I want to practice tomorrow morning, I have to go to bed - NOW.

Picture is taken in the garden of my parents.

I stepped on my mat and practiced

Today's practice: the suryas, standing poses, a few poses of the middle part of the first series and a short closing sequence.
The breath was my focus and I realized that over the years my breath became deeper and longer (exhaling and inhaling). It took me a very long time till I could match the breath with the movements of surya namaskara B. It seems to be easier now, due to my deeper breath.

I sacrificed a few asanas, because I wanted to do pranayama and meditation.
I know that the Ashtanga series themselves are a pranayama exercise and it is also meditation. I do udjyaj breathing (pranayama). I focus on my breath, I try to be in the here and now and that's what I'd like to call meditation (concentration).
But I want to isolate these exercises. Then it becomes a new exercise. Today I did again a few rounds of alternate nostril breathing. It simply feels great. May I keep a deep breath during my day.

The intention of my meditation practice is more or less to see how always thoughts come up and how I can let them go. What comes up is rather arbitrarily. I observe. I don't judge, I let go. That's not me, but thoughts. I observe how the mind is functioning. It is not necessary to take these upcoming thoughts too seriously. Nor is it necessary to identify with the collection of experiences and learned contents. or with future fantasies.

It's sunny today, I'll go to a Mysore class this evening, what a life.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

The tree in June 2009

Last month the bough were cut a bit. Also in a life of a tree can dramatic changes happen. My trees are beautiful. Now they are green and brown, a wonderful combination.

Never tell anybody that you are tired, I read once, this bores. But it is so true, I am already exhausted after the first working day of this week. Shower, bed, that's what I will do now, to be fit for tomorrow.

Back to my morning routine

I practiced this morning, second serious till laghu vajrasana.

The mind: The mind is wild by nature, creative. It can learn to be focused. And today I was rather good at it. I focused on the breath, remained on the mat (physically and mentally). Only once feelings came up (my birthday party (past)) that drove me crazy for a few seconds, but I ushered the mind back to the breath.
The body was not really flexible: I could only touch my finger tips in pashasana. But (tralali, tralala) I could drop back from standing pose. I still so love it that I am able to do it. Sometimes when I am in the underground I think that I am able to drop back and I enjoy this thought.

Energy: I need energy, I have so many plans, my life is (like every life) full of challenges. How to improve my energy I wondered this morning while writing my journal:
- to drink water (no red wine anymore for a while)
- to take breaks
- to breathe deeply
- to eat less
- to think positively
- to be focused on the here and now, this moment.
These are simply, cheap, but effective methods to have more energy.

A week with 4 days awaits me - inhaling, break, exhaling, break..............

Monday, June 01, 2009

Ohh, no

I was dawdling, I took a nap, and now it is evening.
No yoga, no nothing.
E has invited me to the Indian restaurant right now.
"When you are nice, I invite you for dinner", he told me.
"I am," I answered, but I don't know what this is, to be nice.
Afterwards I will have still some time to write bills, to continue my book and and and, and after dinner Iwill have more energy again hopefully.
The Source wants me to relax and dawdle and I want to be so busy and diligent.
The Source always wins. I should give up to want anything. To observe shall be enough. I will exercise awareness this evening. I will be aware how I eat this delicious Indian food. At least something. Smile.

Time to exercise to let go

Three bags have to go. Less is more.
We inhale and exhale.
I buy things and after a while I have to discard them. Bye-bye.

It is a good exercise.
A vacuum allows new things to enter in one's life.

I must go on. I need space to breath.

Coco Chanel and Serge Lifar

The pictures are scanned from the book "The art, to be Chanel" by Paul Morand.

I simply cannot dicard a book with such lovely pictures, full of joy of life.

Coco Chanel


Work and yoga complete each other

My work gives my yoga practice urgency. When I do not step on my mat on time during a working week, I will miss one of my beautiful practices.
When there is much time available like today this urgency is fading and I am prone to dawdle.

This is today's challenge: to give urgency to my practice and to step on my mat to practice. Only the beginning is difficult, I know this. Damned, it is an every day challenge. Oh, a day off is so much better than the time pressure during the week.
Challenges arise all the time, like wishes.

And forever I will love her!

By Honoré Daumier

And this he is calling "Hot love".

By Honoré Daumier