Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The first half of the year is over (oh already?):
I got something for my purse: a job
I got something for my heart: some love
I got something for my body: dropping back into urdhva dhanurasana
And the mind is busy all the time...........
Oh, what will happen in the second half - wishes are always there, a lot of......
Daily discussion with my nice colleague (several times every day):
Shall we stay or shall we go? Shall we stay or shall we go?
(We want to leave the company both at the same time - hahahaha)
Current opinion: We'll hang in there. We'll stay till the end of March 2011, but we should discuss it again at the end of August. It's half time for me by then. Sigh.
Monday, June 29, 2009
On my positive attitude to feelings that we don't want so much like, discontentment, fear, sadness, hopelessness, desperation and so on. I know that only because these feelings exist it is also possible to experience joy, satisfaction, hope, happiness, optimism.
This I can remember when not so nice feelings visit me. I know nothing lasts forever. I observe: how does it look like when I am discontent, sad? I would even go so far to say that I enjoy all of my feelings. They show me that I am alive.
Office hell awaits me now for another week. I will greet my colleagues before reading my emails. When I've read the emails usually I don't want to be polite anymore. 99% of the emails consists of pointing at mistakes that I shall have made, manager on cc. In half of the cases it is not true, and in the other cases it is not really important. So, first greeting, then reading. 9 more months and it is will be over.
I have also highlights during these 9 months:
July: Workshop with Danny Paradise.
August: It is summer time, what else can I wish
October: chocolate fair in Paris with yogis.
November: Dubai with E.
..............to be continued.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
To see the ups and downs on a daily basis when practicing yoga also makes hopeful that this is true for life in general. And it is.
I picked up my book (The well-fed self-publisher by Peter Bowerman) and went shopping: I found so wonderful clothes (a skirt, 2 blouses, a jacket, shoes), a tiny Buddha, ear rings, a book, something to smell, cherries........
Late in the evening I practiced. It was a good and intensive practice. I could even hook my fingers when I did supta kurmasana. I dropped back into urdhva dhanurasana.
A late walk downtown finished my evening.
(Oh my, the mind entertained me so well lately. Thoughts of its finest.)
My next focus in my yoga practice: to come up from urdhva dhanurasana. I want to complete this dynamic symbolic pose.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
This morning I did surya namaskaras, my body was soft. There was time for the standing poses. Then time was over. I sat down in padmasana for a while and bowed forward. That was it. I regret it that I haven't been more disciplined and that I was too late on my mat. I am so prone to dawdle.
I counted: 5 people at my current job simply don't like me (this is nicely said). And they are not professional enough to hide their aversion. Simple politeness doesn't seem possible for them. They wish me away. If a mistake occurs (i.e. a stamp on an invoice where there shouldn't be a stamp), it was always me, even though I do not stamp now. It is amazing how important such tiny things are. A stamp on an invoice that shouldn't be there, I mean to be realistic, this is nothing, nothing. Of course I cannot blame our apprentice for this. She is helping us. So I observe the aggression. I start doubting if I really like to stay there another 9 months. A lot of people would be glad if I went. No, I will stay another few months. I can change my mind every day. My ability to suffer is rather great. And I also have to survive. I only have to care financially for me, and it is such a struggle from time to time, this drives me crazy.
I shouldn't forget the nice colleagues.
And the situation is a great motivation to work on alternatives. Another company is not an alternative.
(Oh, what a negative post in the morning., after a wonderful relaxing evening. It is as it is, there are always ups and downs. I know very well, that we only know what relaxation is because we know how it feels not to be relaxed. We only know what joy is because we also know the opposite.)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
It is planned to relax in the sauna after work in one of the big hotels here. It is rainy outside and very cold.
The shower in the morning after my sofa sitting session was great. The cold water always brings me in the here and now.
Might I have energy today to manage everything.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Ms Sher is so inspiring: See your "wrong job" as a source for a novel that you will write one day, she recommends. My current job is really a gift seen like this.
Monday, June 22, 2009
I am counting, the days, weeks, months, no more the hours, because I have too much to do now.
Nevertheless it is planned to stay till March 31 next year, if the Gods and Goddesses want me to do this. I want. (...and then India again)
And sometimes I have even wonderful encounters at my job. I withdraw a bit this is true, I go to lunch alone. I prefer to eat alone and not to talk, to eat, to talk to eat or even worse to listen to the complaints and gossip about others. But today a woman joined me. We talked about the beautiful stars when sleeping in a sleeping bag on the hills in front of Munich. We talked about the birds, especially one bird that she inherited. After lunch I followed her to her office room. We closed the door. She has recorded the bird on her phone and she wanted me to listen to it's words. What a great moment. This bird could speak. We smiled.
I was able to reach the wrist in marichyasana a.
It is strange, but sometimes I feel dizzy when I come out of certain poses like ardha baddha padmottanasana and when coming up from back bending (preparation for urdhva dhanurasana). I feel so dizzy, that I have to sit down, because I fear to fall otherwise. Whyever this is so. It is important to be attentive to oneself, this helps to avoid most injuries.
I did pranayama at the end. As meditation I chanted aum several times, so often till my voice wasn't trembling anymore.
I remembered my pranayama teacher in India, who wanted me to bow forward and to honor the teachers before practicing. To dedicate the practice or poses to someone might have the same meaning: to forget oneself and to think of others from time to time, to be thankful, to remember that love is something wonderful in life.
(It becomes harder and harder to leave the house to go to work. 5 working days are in front of me, I think and try not to desperate but to think that I will be able to manage it. Sigh.)
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Today the fingers could hook again when I did pashasana. Dropped back again, I allowed this adventure to happen.
I enjoyed my practice which is most important. No time pressure on Sunday which is great, too.
Pranayama, yes, this I did, too, a few round of alternate nostril breathing.
Meditation - later perhaps.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Highlights: I dropped back again from standing position into urdhva dhanurasana. Loved it.
Around my yoga practiced I want to build my life and not the other way round. This practice centers my life.
Ahhhhh, so good. When it is over I have the feeling that I could go on and on and on. But this is not true. After such an intensive practice the body wants to relax.
Pranayama was great, too. To play and observe the breath is so beautiful.
Friday, June 19, 2009
The valley is already behind me. As long as I can work for the company I will do so, when it shall be over, I shall know that this was the best for me.
Yesterday in the evening, I went to the Karolingenplatz and enjoyed the warm evening. Many people gather there, some even have dinner on the stony steps. It is a wonderful place.
To stay at home would be great.
Again I get the message to do something else but accounting, but what, what, what???
I am so glad that it is Friday, so glad.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I plan to practice again with the CD tomorrow. It is a great help. That way I remain longer in the poses. I realized that my breath is deeper and longer nowadays. A few years ago the counting was perfect for me, today it seemed to be rather fast.
Alone I went on with second series.
Pashasana: the fingers could touch
Urdhva dhanurasana: I pressed myself up three times, didn't drop back from standing pose.
Pranayama: four rounds
Meditation: chanted aaaaauuuuuuuummmmmmmmm (several times, didn't count)
Work: another feed back conversation today. Exactly what I wish for this morning (sarcasm).
I remember Osho's wisdom: Don't expect the impossible, don't expect to be happy all the time. Happiness can be experienced only because the opposite feelings exist, too.
My personal favourite feeling is not happiness (even though it is a nice one, of course). I wonder what my favourite feeling is. This might also change. There are so many positive feelings. Feeling relaxed, feeling trustful, feeling confidence, being curious and learning something new are feelings I appreciate very much. And there are others, too...........
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The sun is shining, I will wear a dress today.
An orange is waiting for me in the kitchen, something healthy in the morning
Kitchen........time to do the dishes, I want to have a clean kitchen when I return from work.
Time to go on with my life. ............
Reminder: what gives me energy?
Less food, breaks, water, being aware, enjoying what I'm doing, deep breathing.........
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
At 9 the form has to be at the health insurance. It is done.
Also these bureaucratic things have to be done.
No yoga today. How frustrating.
The gap from thinking to doing is still too big for certain activities. If I had filled in the form yesterday in the evening, I would have had time to do yoga this morning. But this is spilt milk of yesterday.
Tuesday, the actual working day is much better than thinking about it.
I laugh almost every day several times. I am very busy now, and I prefer this than sitting around having nothing to do.
Time to go on with my morning routine: shower, breakfast, dressing and finally leaving my cosy home.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Finally, much too late I stood on my mat. After 2 "moon days" my body was stiff. I did a few surya namaskaras A and B, then the time was over. I am a bit disappointed about this, but now it is over. I must search a yoga class for me as B. is on a workshop herself for the next two weeks. Once a week a yoga class is perfect for me. I need this to stay motivated.
Monday: Again we shall have a full week, 5 days. This requires a long and calm breath. I want to count the weeks that I want to be in the company from now on. Somehow I want to bring it behind me, knowing that this is not a good attitude. What could please me to go to my job, I wonder. My work has also very positive sides really, I must only focus on them: the nice office, the nice colleagues (there are also nice ones), that I am learning something, that I earn money that will allow me my trips. This should be enough motivation to leave the house this morning.
I haven't gained weight during the weekend. That's good. I could eat vegetables and salad at the birthday party. This was as so often the best strategy to stay slim.
Time to prepare a breakfast.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
It is important to find an activity that is so joyful that one loves it so much that one does not like to stop at age 59 or so.
Please let me find something that I love to do till I will close my eyes forever.
(It is surely not my current accounting job.)
Picture: A street in a small town in Germany
Friday, June 12, 2009
When is half of the project over?
How many days do I still have to work?
Is half of June already over?
How many hours do I have to stay today?
When will be the next banking holiday?
How often will I still take a picture of the tree?
These questions I ask myself when I study my calender. This tells me, that I am not so happy with my job. I have really nice colleagues, a nice manager, but one difficult person in a team can spoil the entire working atmosphere. Do I exagerate? Probably, yes. Last but not least I am happy that money is coming in.
I will travel to the north of Germany late in the afternoon. I am invited to a birthday party. I won't have time for yoga and for blogging. I hope I don't eat too much...........I'll be back on Monday.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Doing urdhva dhanurasana I stand on my feet. The arms are stretched over the head and can support the coming up. Rocking forward helps to come up, one can even push the body up. (Till now I cannot come up yet, but I'm studying how this can be possible.)
I often practice alone. My strap gives me adjustments. I bind it around my upper legs to keep the legs parallel. In both poses the knees tend to drift away from each other, the big toes want to kiss each other. When the strap keeps the legs parallel the pelvis must come forward, this finally supports the coming up. Yoga develops body feeling.
I often want to omit the 5 min relaxing pose at the end. I know that it is so important to relax deeply. It is easy after all these asanas, but it must be done. I laid done today and relaxed. It is such a nice pose.
Pranayama was great too. After 7 min I stopped meditation, I had enough, became restless. Hahahaha.
My yoga practice at the Mysore class was exhausting and relaxing at the same time yesterday.
Relaxing because I could let go of the thoughts about my current activities to earn some money.
Exhausting because the practice is exhausting. I have lost a bit of strength. To practice till laghu vajrasana meant to go to my limits.
I dropped back on my own again. This is still a highlight for me. I can do it and I even enjoy it. I feel that one day it will be possible to stand up. It's coming.
My intention for my morning practice today shall be to enjoy when being in an asana. I want to practice with a relaxed face, observing what is.
It should be possible to keep a relaxed face even when feeling the edges (pain) when stretching into anasana.
It should be possible to keep a relaxed face even when pushing oneself.
Then beauty comes to the practice.
A quote by Osho: Awareness is a single solution to all problems. (How true)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Yesterday the manager himself came to the office room of my colleague and me to show us our coding mistakes on the invoices. Soon it was clear that the coding list has changed. Thus we made double as much mistakes as usual. We weren't informed about the new list. Nevertheless our colleagues didn't hesitate to forward our coded invoices to our manager. I pointed out that we didn't have the new list. We had to justify ourselves already, what I don't like to do. My colleague got so upset, it was effort to convince her to stay. In the afternoon she was lauging again. Sigh.
On my way home a colleague (a tall blond woman) of another departement catched up with me and we walked to the train together. I smell it from far if someone has been for decades in the company. These people have a flair of complacency, they feel non-redeemable. This feeling soars every year being in the company.
After a few words if I walked to the train, too, the following conversation developped.
Me: You work for the company already for a while?
Me: 30 years?
She smiling: Almost 27 years.
I knew it I thought.
Me: Have you ever thought to leave the company?
She: When I was younger, but not now anymore, I am over 50.
Thinking: I am also over 50, but next year I have to look for another job.
Me: I understand this.
Me: I will work for the company till next year till the end of March.
She: But then you won't get a company pension.
Me: This is true, I used to work for the medium-sized companies and they usually don't offer company pensions.
I could feel what she was thinking: Ha, I have a company pension and you not.
Further topics: where we live, if we prefer the city or the countryside.
On my way home I was thinking all the time: Shit, she'll get a company pension and I won't get a company pension. Shit.
(I wouldn't have been able to stay so long in a company, nothing for me, so...money shall come to me, money shall come to me through other channels. Please.)
PS: I don't think that I am a very good accountant, but I am good in stress situations, I am a good trouble shooter. My colleague admires me for that. "The more stress we have the better you are", she told me yesterday, I loved this compliment, might it be true or not)
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Doing yoga I do body postures, I go (not every day) but the intention is to go to the limit and then to go a bit further. That way I developed body feeling, I know where my limits are, I am sensitive enough to feel them. I also learned to bear the pain that is felt when I reach my limits, this is often even a good feeling. Going too far into a pose can have the consequence of an injury. Thus sensitivity is necessary, it is important to respect the limits in order to go further into a pose.
I fine-tuned my sensitivity towards myself within the last years (I don't write about self-pity here). I trust myself that I will know when it is better to leave my current job. For now I will go on.
I have very nice colleagues and a smart and nice manager, too. One person wants me to go. The situation is very clear, everything is on the surface. My focus is the given tasks, this is clear, too.
To write that I like to go to work today is an exaggeration. I am very conscious that many many people are in a much worse situation. So I have nothing to complain. Life is so, up and down, sunshine and rain, storm and calmness.
I practiced today and I loved it. No challenges, I only wanted to enjoy what I have learned so far. I did the suryas, how wonderful is that. I did the standing poses and a few forward bending poses on my back bending day. I felt more like forward bending today.
Life can only be lived day by day, breath by breath.
This moment counts and it is a wonderful one.
Monday, June 08, 2009
On a more general level: It is often more exciting to think of a "feared" meeting than to be actually there. Nevertheless the meeting, the people at the meeting today were entertaining, not everybody had fun.
My life at that job will remain difficult. I will go on.
Oh, time to go out......
I did a few surya namaskaras a and b. This is always a perfect start. They make the body flexible, they wake me up. I bowed forward into uttanasana. Some twists followed andforward stretching while sitting on the mat. I finished with padmasana, I bowed forward and put my front on the carpet. I wanted to remain there forever.
My rounds of alternate nostril breathing reminded me how important the breath is.
To wish in the morning that the day would be over already is not a good beginning of any day. I think the work situation is now bad enough so that I must develop energy to work on my other projects. I forbid me to think further but to the next breath now.
It's raining here. I must eat something. It's energy. I want to stay at home. The working week has only 4 days, Thursday is a day off. And I need this day off. Buh, I want to stay at home, but as I am not ill (thanks God) I will go.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
So I practiced without dedication the practice to anything or anybody.
The breath helped me to stretch the arms upwards. It felt good to start with surya namaskara a. The breath can be so powerful. Over the years my breath became deeper.
The body was flexible, the mind heavy and weak. I hadn't the strength mentally to lift myself up into urdhva dhanurasana. After a quick closing sequence I put my mat away and put my Indian blanket on the floor. I burnt incense from Japan to create a nice atmosphere. Then I did a few rounds of pranayama, alternate nostril breathing. I couldn't meditate or concentrate anymore (this needs a lot of energy), but I remained on my blanket for a while and bowed forward while in padmasana (my favourite pose beside janu sirsasana a).
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Now two handbags were left on the desk and 2 women. My preferred one was still there. I asked my pregnant colleague to make a choice and assured her that every decision would be best for me. She took the colorful one, the one I would have taken.
Then I looked at the bag that was still on the desk and I knew that I got exactly the bag that was perfect and most beautiful for me. I am so glad that I made no decision, but that I let life happen. We all got "our" handbag and we are all happy.
No decision was necessary to make.
And now I focus on my weekend activities. I am able to leave the last working week behind me, I feel good. This is good news.
To be able to let go, to be able to focus are very helpful abilities for life.
Nevertheless I think I must also write about the positive experiences at work. There seem to be a lot of people who really like me and want me to stay at the company, including the manager. Incredible how an accounting job can be so emotional. I hope that the days will become more factual again. Weekend now. I need this break from work.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Picture: Further impressions of the garden of my parents.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
I had to pick up a book from the mail station. On my way to that mail box I wondered how I was feeling. But I don't feel aggressively on my side. I am bored by such a behaviour. My goal is to stay in that company for the next 10 months for money reasons. That's it. Not that I do not see what's going on. The time that I will be there is limited and I simply don't want to allow other people to spoil my life. I like it that I am so successful at it.
I love pranayama. My alternate nostril breathing exercise was my highlight today.
The 10 min meditation were long.
Why all these practices? Is my yoga practice an already lost fight against aging? I think yoga keeps me young, means strong and flexible. Often forgotten is, it also keeps me healthy. To stay slim is healthy i.e. Yoga adds joy to my life. It feels good to practice. I exercise focus, being in the here and now and this is so helpful in the chaos of life, too. In other words: What a luck for me that I found these yoga exercises.
Time to have breakfast. It will be a fresh mango with soy yogurt.
The picture is taken in the garden of my parents.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
I felt flow. I let the breath usher me through the series.
The sound of the breath (uddjiay breathing) reminds me of the waves of the ocean.
I love to listen to the sound of my breath, or is it the ocean?
When I want to practice tomorrow morning, I have to go to bed - NOW.
Picture is taken in the garden of my parents.
The breath was my focus and I realized that over the years my breath became deeper and longer (exhaling and inhaling). It took me a very long time till I could match the breath with the movements of surya namaskara B. It seems to be easier now, due to my deeper breath.
I sacrificed a few asanas, because I wanted to do pranayama and meditation.
I know that the Ashtanga series themselves are a pranayama exercise and it is also meditation. I do udjyaj breathing (pranayama). I focus on my breath, I try to be in the here and now and that's what I'd like to call meditation (concentration).
But I want to isolate these exercises. Then it becomes a new exercise. Today I did again a few rounds of alternate nostril breathing. It simply feels great. May I keep a deep breath during my day.
The intention of my meditation practice is more or less to see how always thoughts come up and how I can let them go. What comes up is rather arbitrarily. I observe. I don't judge, I let go. That's not me, but thoughts. I observe how the mind is functioning. It is not necessary to take these upcoming thoughts too seriously. Nor is it necessary to identify with the collection of experiences and learned contents. or with future fantasies.
It's sunny today, I'll go to a Mysore class this evening, what a life.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Never tell anybody that you are tired, I read once, this bores. But it is so true, I am already exhausted after the first working day of this week. Shower, bed, that's what I will do now, to be fit for tomorrow.
The mind: The mind is wild by nature, creative. It can learn to be focused. And today I was rather good at it. I focused on the breath, remained on the mat (physically and mentally). Only once feelings came up (my birthday party (past)) that drove me crazy for a few seconds, but I ushered the mind back to the breath.
The body was not really flexible: I could only touch my finger tips in pashasana. But (tralali, tralala) I could drop back from standing pose. I still so love it that I am able to do it. Sometimes when I am in the underground I think that I am able to drop back and I enjoy this thought.
Energy: I need energy, I have so many plans, my life is (like every life) full of challenges. How to improve my energy I wondered this morning while writing my journal:
- to drink water (no red wine anymore for a while)
- to take breaks
- to breathe deeply
- to eat less
- to think positively
- to be focused on the here and now, this moment.
These are simply, cheap, but effective methods to have more energy.
A week with 4 days awaits me - inhaling, break, exhaling, break..............
Monday, June 01, 2009
No yoga, no nothing.
E has invited me to the Indian restaurant right now.
"When you are nice, I invite you for dinner", he told me.
"I am," I answered, but I don't know what this is, to be nice.
Afterwards I will have still some time to write bills, to continue my book and and and, and after dinner Iwill have more energy again hopefully.
The Source wants me to relax and dawdle and I want to be so busy and diligent.
The Source always wins. I should give up to want anything. To observe shall be enough. I will exercise awareness this evening. I will be aware how I eat this delicious Indian food. At least something. Smile.
When there is much time available like today this urgency is fading and I am prone to dawdle.
This is today's challenge: to give urgency to my practice and to step on my mat to practice. Only the beginning is difficult, I know this. Damned, it is an every day challenge. Oh, a day off is so much better than the time pressure during the week.
Challenges arise all the time, like wishes.