Thursday, August 06, 2009

Cannot anybody save me tonight?

Send me some good thoughts, that I know again that everything is best for me as it is. And if it is not best that I'll be able to handle everything with elegance.
The depth become deeper and the highs higher.
To grow older does not mean that live becomes easier.
Bad, sad day today. It sounds better to say day, but night would be closer to the truth. The day was excellent. Perhaps because I have time now that I call this night awfully , a vacuum appeared, that I fill with nonsense, with craziness, speak sadness. Go away you, awful feeling, go away. I don't want to be sad, desperate. I don't want to give up, but probably I'm still searching the wrong things.
How we view the world has nothing to do with the world how it is. I read this during commuting time. I think it is true.
This brash voice inside myself does not stop torturing myself: You don't give up, you do not give up, you do not give up. "Shut up." You do not give up. The solution is nowhere but here and now and so far away at the same time. I feel awfully. I wish I were alone then I could cry shamlessly, and then I would be able to go through it and to call it past, but I am not alone, what I appreciate but so I have to hide my tears.
I shouldn't publish this, but I drank 2 retsinas at the Greece restaurant, I don't want to mention the ouzo, this makes me exhibitionistic. No, I don't blame the booze. This would be soooo easy.

I feel guilty because I am so full of self-pity, while living a luxury pampered life, a child I am nothing else, a stupid child.

9 comments:

Tracy said...

((((((((((((ursula)))))))))))))
i cannot save you..but i am here as your friend always! xxoo

Ursula said...

I know this dear Tracy and I feel so connected with you. Thank you so much, dear Tracy.

Grimmly said...

Big hug from here Ursula, maybe you can't have a good cry but perhaps you can take your notebook out and let it out that way through the mouth of a character, turn it into art. X. Either that or a nice hot bath.

luckylady said...

Ursula!! I also feel like this sometimes and have to admit I sometimes blame it on booze. Booze doesn't suit me. Sometimes we need to release emotions to feel better, stronger, to put things in perspective!
I really enjoy reading your blog and love how open you are. Please don't stop and I hope that you have moved from this dark moment...
Kind wishes to you xx

Julian said...

Ursula,

With the 6 hours time difference between us right now, this will reach you tomorow as you get up for your morning asanas. I hope sleep was restful and peaceful.
When lows come, as they do, creepingly, the best thing is often not to flight them away angrily but to observe them from a distance as if you were just a witness of these cyclothymic tidal waves. Watch as they come and they go. Try to let go of your involvement as if these were external protagonists.
The great Ramakrishna Paramahansa said this:
"We are like the Musk-Deer, this legendary deer that searches the world endlessly to find the source of this perfume that emanates from itself".
Have a good day tomorrow.

Ursula said...

Thank you Grimmly,
Life is a rolercoaster sometimes. I am so glad that I discovered journaling and water.....:)

Ursula said...

Yes, Julian, I slept well and I feel well-rested. Life looks more colorful, and even funnier today than yesterday.
So right and helpful to create distance when life looks dark. The dynamic of moods and feelings astonishes me till now. Thank you very much for your sympathy.
And have a good day, too.
It is sunny here. :)

Oh the waves, the waves.....

Ursula said...

Of course luckylady, I'll go on writing, how could I stop. Thank you for writing and commenting.
The day looks brighter already. xx

Anna said...

Don't feel alone Ursula - we are all desperate and panicking at times even if only few of us admit it openly.