Friday, April 10, 2009

How I will entertain my beloved difficult guests on my b-day.

My birthday party organisation turns out to be a bit difficult for several reasons. One is that the guests do not like each others. Sigh. I tried to find a solution for myself to take it light-hearted. Yesterday I took a walk during my lunch break and I had a very good idea. I will tell sex jokes during lunch, one after the other, so loud, that also the guests at the other tables can hear them.

Here is one: A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

Here the next: There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

The next: Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

No, it is not yet enough, I have invited difficult people:
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

They need more my guests:
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

More?
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

My birthday simply will be funny, even the seriest guests............. unfortunately I won't tell sex jokes, but the idea wasn't that bad..........

5 comments:

Bettina said...

Now I have something to tell when we visit my boyfriend's family during the Easter weekend. They love this kind of jokes.
:-)
Don't worry about your birthday guests, usually people would not disturb a party by letting out their personal animosities. Most people know when it's time to pull oneself together.

Ursula said...

Unfortunately I know the difficult ones. They will pull themselves together what means they won't say a word. This means that I have to entertain them.
Usually this is not such a difficult task for me. Let's see.

Andrew said...

Oh Man! Funny Funny!! You should start a blog with sexually induced jokes. Or at the least, why not share one joke with us each day?

Sandra said...

Hm, the Dalai Lama says: "Sometimes silence is the best answer..." Maybe you could see your closemouthed guests as his best students and note this throughout the dinner ;o)

Don't trouble your head about it...have a nice time in Italy.

Ursula said...

I think these jokes are enough for the next 3 years.