Monday, June 30, 2008

How Osho sees meditation

Here a quote that I read today in the book "Autobiography of a spiritually incorrect mystic" by Osho.

"Millions of people miss meditation because meditation has taken on a wrong connotation. It looks very serious, looks gloomy, has something of the church in it, looks as if it is only for people who are dead, or almost dead. A really meditative person is playful. Life is fun for him, life is a play. He enjoys it tremendously. He is not serious. He is relaxed."

That's the direction. Might this quote influence my meditation tomorrow: Less seriousness, more joy and relaxation. :)

Free

Strange to think that tomorrow we will have an ordinary working day and I can do whatever I want. Today after 3 p.m. I left The Company, I had to give back my batch and now I cannot enter it again. :)

Before leaving the company my colleagues gathered and gave me a huge book on India with beautiful photos in it. I love it. And in addition I got another book on how to travel in India. I talked about India, just to say something, I was somehow astonished and a bit shy because I got so much attention.

Later when I made the good-bye round the boss even told me that he regretted that it came like this. But it is all totally OK for me. I'm relaxed, I'm happy, nothing could be better. Everything is smooth. I didn't say it that clearly, but I thought it.

My colleague accompanied me through the entrance hall at the end. There we had 2 espressi together.

I was dressed in black today. It was raining in the morning and I thought that some formal clothes would be appropriate. More colorful clothes would have been better reflected the joyful situation. There was a beginning of all this and a wonderful end.

Free, I feel free, light. And I'm busy. There is still so much to do in my home. I'm full of energy.

That was it in that company.

(Some last funny detail: My colleague asked me: "What shall we do with that pile of paper". There was still a pile of paper on my desk. He: "Let's hide it in my filing cabinet. " To be honest, I wasn't motivated anymore to reconcile accounts and I volonteerly accepted his proposal.)

Life goes on. :)

Heavy rain

It's raining like hell here. The rain crackled on the roofs and was so loud when I did pranayama and meditation. I almost overheard my meditation clock. The noise of the rain gave the morning a certain atmosphere.

I didn't hurry through my morning ritual. Time for yoga was very limited. But today is my last working day and tomorrow I will have time for a very long practice. I'm looking forward to it.

My bf has cought a cold. He felt sick this morning and decided not to fly to Paris. He must take care of himself. When ill it's necessary to stay at home. I'm glad that he decided not to travel to Paris. I'm flexible. What shall happen, will happen. I'm relaxed.

What to dress on my last working day? More important is that I want to go after lunch. Somehow I have to manage it to go home on time. I don't want to stay till 5 p.m.

The soccer match yesterday was exciting, even though the Spain team won. So it is. At the end one team is happy, the other team is disappointed.

Yesterday I was lazy. I pampered my bf with a good meal, cleaned the kitchen afterwards, but that was it. There is always something to do. Self-discipline becomes again more important as it is me and only me who will give structure to the day from tomorrow on. I like this challenge. I prefer to lead myself than to be led by others.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

On another yoga practice - the breath

Yes, I practiced. Focus was the breath, more precise: I wanted to match the breath with the movements and I wanted to breathe correctly when changing poses. The breath has so many aspects.

My "laziness" during the last days was noticed during my practice today. I felt weak and I needed breaks, breath breaks. I even trembled from time to time out of exhaustion.

To have powerful muscles is wonderful. But it is not only in order to be able to lift a heavy suitcase when travelling to India. Muscles protect the body from injuries. Bandhas are muscles, too. Using the bandhas my back is protected when doing back bending. Bandhas help me balancing. It goes all together. That's what I experienced today during my practice - the importance to use the muscles.

The breath has the ability to protect, too. When holding the breath it's a sure sign that one should stop going further.

Yoga goes on off the mat. I will be aware of my breath off the mat, too.
What is my breath doing, when I'm drinking tea? What is it doing when I will watch soccer this evening (Spain : Germany)?

Pranayama around the clock, meditation around the clock, being aware around the clock. That's how the life of a yogini looks like.

One leg pale, one leg lilac

Thirteen minutes meditation this morning with the well-known interruptions, like looking at the watch and scratching. Scratching happened once, looking at the watch happened twice. As nothing is to be accomplished, it was OK. I was only shocked when I once opened my eyes and saw my legs: one leg was pale, the other unhealthy red. (I was dressded with a short pair of trousers.) That' s what lotus pose is doing. It looked so ugly.

Meditation as I understand it so far gives me the time to look inside myself. It gives me the time to observe my thoughts and feelings without judging them. Not to identify with it might give me a certain relaxation. It does. But this is the side effect, not the first goal. The intention is to observe what is happening inside myself all the time.

It's a totally different approach in comparison with many books on the market. Often authors emphasize how relaxing meditation is. They switch on music, burn insence in order to have this effect. Music has an influence on the mood, surely. But this meditation is totally different than the meditation I described first. Then the senses are directed outwardly.

I could here the birds singing while I was doing meditation and I could here my bf sleeping.
"I'am", I thought. Other thoughts came up, too. I got back to "I'am".

Time for yoga: Here it is the same. Music can motivate to go on. It can give power. But my yoga as I do it is a yoga that is focusing on myself.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

On meditation

It's evening: I meditated. Before the alarm clock indicated the end I slowly stopped sitting in lotus pose, I also stopped thinking the word "ayam". Why should I sit 11 min? What shall I accomplish when I meditate? Isn't it more about observing the thoughts and emotions. To observe them and finally to understand that they are not the truth, but only a game of the mind. Understanding finally that it makes no sense to be identified with the upcoming thoughts and emotions as they are so instable? This can be done in less than 11 min. :) I'm a busy woman.
It's nice to start sitting, but soon I feel restless. That's also an observation.

OK, I stopped when it became uncomfortable. I'm in peace with it.
Tomorrow I will try again to sit at least 11 min in order to give me a bit more time to observe what happens during meditation.

Time to go to bed.

Busy, busy

I have the visa for India now.
I'm likely to have a room due to a dear blogger. Thanks so much.
Bit by bit the ball becomes round, or in other words. Bit by bit my trip to India gets organized.

And I do not have to do so much. I'm open for what is coming and things get organized almost by themselves. I feel as if I'm going with the flow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Back to Friday, back to the office:
My colleague: You will be in on Monday again, won't you? I have a present for you.
Me: What????????? No, that's not true.
He: Yes, it is true. I have collected for you.
Me: No, tell me that this is not true.
He: It's true, you will get a wonderful present.
Me: Then I won't be able to sleep.

Imagine my dear colleages will give me a present on my last working day. This never has happened to me so far. That's so nice. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The here and now: I'm busy. I have a lot of energy to clean the rooms, to go shopping, to do what has to be done. About 8 days I will still be here in Germany till the end of September. This isn't so much. I'm optimistic that I can accomplish a lot within the given time. To make a plan, a list is perhaps not such a bad idea. A list is always a good idea.

So far I haven't pracitced. I fear that I will be awfully stiff. :(

Here and now

Osho's message was so great today again, that I've forgotten for a moment that I wasn't able to sit quit for 20 min, meditating. Whyever.

U.,
Be here and now, in this very moment, in a flame of awareness.
Your mind gives you a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, you go on living - at the minimum. You don't live at the maximum. Your flame remains very dim. Once you start dropping thoughts, the dust that you have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Your whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is.
Osho

Pranayama is very good. I can sit easily 10 min. I'm busy to imagine how the breath goes up and down through my spine. When 10 min are over I take a break.

10 min meditation today or 15, or 20, I wonder. As it is Saturday I set the alarm clock for 20 min. After 5 min I looked the first time at my meditation watch. I became restless. Even though I focus on the mantra "ayam", which means I have a "serious" task, after some time I get restless. Then "see above", life is perhaps lived at a minimum. I'm already in the future. I want to do something else and the current moment is lost. So it is. It's difficult for me to sit quit.

Time for Ashtanga yoga, first series: Focus will be the breath. What else.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Not perfect...

...but I'm glad that I'm back to a routine where yoga is part of it.

Pranayama, meditation was great today. Breath by breath I went on and on.
Time was limited for yoga, but there was time for a few asanas. Again the breath was my focus. The body enjoyed it that I moved it. I'm longing for a full practice.

Good-bye party at work today: The day seems to become sunny, so we probably can use the terrace. I write every day, but I do not know yet what I want to write in my last email to my colleagues - the invitation. I shouldn't think too much. I should trust that words will come when I sit in front of my PC at work.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Two more days

Today I ordered "Krapfen" for tomorrow. They are for my good-bye breakfast with my dear colleagues. I know where I can get the best ones. A colleage organized tables so that we can eat together on the balcony there. Very attentive. It was his initiative. I'm a bit shy to take center stage. But I also know that as soon as a few people gather it's pure fun for me.

I worked till 6 today, the auditors kept me busy. And I wanted to teach my colleague how to do the paymens for the group. Time ran through my fingers. I'm proned to write: as usual.

It was late yesterday

Soccer time. It was such an exciting match (Turkey : Germany), I had to watch it till the end.

Late in bed, late up. That's cause and effect. I was tired this morning. There was a bit time for journaling. That was it. To listen to the heavy rain and to write is a wonderful start in the morning.

Will I have time tomorrow morning? Time for an intensive practice? I hope so.

Still three days at work. Motivation is fading. I want that it is over.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Soccer fever here

People have painted the German flag in their faces. Some wear soccer shirts. It's soccer time. A most interesting game takes place this evening: Turkey : Germany. I like the light-hearted, joyful and peaceful atmosphere her.

I'm ready for the game as well. And I'm excited, too.

...................................................................................................

Thursday, Friday, Monday - then I'm through. Then I can stay in bed till lunch time. I won't.
Of course not. What will come. OMG. I'm so relaxed, I do not understand myself anymore. Why do I not worry about my future.

"You are laughing so much, your are much more relaxed now. " A colleague told me this now. Yes, the tension is fading. He is right. I felt pressure and now it's almost part of the past. Amazing that others realize this.

My colleagues were all great, the best I've ever had. It was a good experience that I made with them. It's over. Soon.

Restless

Only 10 min pranayama, only 10 min meditation. I feel restless when I do this. These 10 min seem to be so long for me. I open my eyes, I look at my watch, I think "when is it over". I remain on my cushion and go on. Often it's relaxing and interesting again, but restlessness comes back.

It's a challenge for me to do pranayama 10 min and meditation 10 min.
Only 10 min, only 10 min.

Summer time here and soccer time: Germany : Turkey this evening. Exciting. BMW allows the employees to go home before the late shift is over to watch soccer. Soccer is important in Europe.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I have still wishes

Isn't this crazy.

The only reasonable wish can be to be conscious, to be aware. That's all.
All the other wishes are distraction.
And I have still such a long list of wishes. I'm a bit crazy.

Thunder

When I got up at 5 a.m., there was thunder and rain. I stepped out of my balcony and saw the twins of the neighbourhood sleeping on the balcony. The roof protected them from the rain. They were obviously sleeping, not even the thunder could wake them up. No, I won't publish pictures of this peaceful still life.

Then I threw my cushion on the floor and did pranayama and meditation (Even yesterday evening I did it. Somehow I must love it.) I scratched from time to time, I opened my eyes, I looked at my watch, it was all OK. I returned either to my spinal breathing exercise or to meditation, focusing on the mantra "ayam". This was OK, too. I was relaxed and in peace with myself.

For yoga was no more so much time. I regret it. It consoles me that soon I will have much more time.

The sun is shining now. It seems that we will have another summer day.

Five more days at work. That's nothing.
Bf wants to have breakfast in a café somewhere downtown. This means that I will have to wake him up soon. What a life.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I met a dear friend after work

I left work at 4:30. I greeted the people who had still work to do when I left the holy halls. Why creep. It was so good to leave the company on time. The evening with B. was entertaining as usual. We told us our most interesting stories about parties, plans, jobs. I had a glass of red wine and now I ask me if it makes sense to meditate. Shower first. Then I will make a decision.

Lazy morning

I got up too late, I overslept. Then I wrote my journal. No yoga, no meditation, no pranayama this morning.

Monday. Six more working days and then it will be over. I have no more so much to do. Only difficult tasks are on my desk like going through the remaining piles. I'm almost redundant.

The books that I read change: I'm reading now "The lazy person's guide to success" by Ernie J. Zelinski. True is, I had no time to reflect on my life during the last year. Not to work harder, but to be smarter is important. The goal can only be to make more money in less time.

(Time to wake up my bf.)

More money in less time, sounds very good. And it must be fun. :)

Sunday, June 22, 2008

India - the preparation part 1

Firstly there was the idea.........but as I'm a practical person, here the steps:

1. Health:
I got shots for diphtheria, polio and typhus. These shots need repetition every 10 years.
Years ago I got shots for Hepatitis A and B and this protects me my entire life. I decided not to go for anti rabies inoculation. I do not intend to caress wild animals.

I bought jod, malaria tablets, aspirin. My tiger balm will be in my suitcase and penicillin (this I have to return to the doctor in case I do not need it).

I have tablets for diarrhea as well.

What's left: In Germany we have to have an health insurance. My job will end at the end of June, then I will have to close a health insurance on my own. The form is already on my kitchen table, I only have to fill it in and send it back.

2. Transportation:
Quickly I bought a ticket for India. This was my most important step. I knew once I have the ticket I won't change my mind anymore.
Transportation from my home to the airport is covered by my boyfriend.
Transpartation from Bangalore to Mysore is covered by a taxi driver organised by the famous Ganesh.

3. Visa:
I have no visa yet. My application came back because I had put the fee in the envelope in cash. The Indian Embassy only accepts money transfers. So, this is done now, too. My passport will be at the Embassy again on Monday. Hopefully it will be back on time. My experience is that they are very fast, they need less than a week. Nevertheless it gives me a bit of excitement.

4. Yoga at Patthabi Jois's and Sharath's shala: I printed out the form and sent it to India. That's the way I'm supposed to do it, I found out. Within 2 days my mail will be in India. How long it will take till it is in the shala cannot be predicted, the post-office clerk told me. Excitment of course. I'm not sure if I can practice there as I was already a bit late with my letter. I couldn't mail it 2 months earlier. It was not possible to plan ahead so far as I didn't know if I could stay at my current job.

The very next steps:
I have to find a hotel room for the first 2 nights That's what I want to organise from here. Then I was told it was easier to find a room in Mysore when in Mysore. Hope this is true.

I was recommended to buy a very light sleeping bag. I will do so.

The costs so far:

Medicine: 120 Euro
Ticket to India: 830 Euro
Visa: 50 Euro
Shala for 1 month: about 670 Euro
Hotel room for the first two nights: 120 Euro

So far 1790,-- Euro are already spent. I guess I need the same sum one more time.

Most expensive is that no money is coming in while I'm lazy in India, but my fixed costs in Germany must be paid.

This trip is a motivation to earn more money.

Challenges so far:
What to do first was a real question, how to start.
It's crazy to do this trip. To meet fearful people in the very first planning phase can be a real challenge. The community encouraged me to go. Ha, how nice to have the Ashtanga community, these adventures in the best sense.

Proud, more exhausted than proud

I practiced till my limits. I even trembled. The laziness of the last days showed effect. I was rather weak. Nevertheless highlights happened.

Pincha mayurasana: My feet didn't drop against the wardrobe when I went up. I could hold the pose without support for a few breaths.

Sirsasana: When sirsasana is correct the pose gets easier. To remain for a very long time is then no more a matter of strength but of balance.

Pashasana: Fingers could hook.

Even kaptoasana gets better.

Urdhva danurasana: I lifted myself up three times. I'm proud of this.

My body is so soft now. It feels good.

Off the mat: I want to examine my breath off the mat. How do I breath during the day. This shall be my awareness exercise for today.

Breakfast now. I'm as hungry as a wolf.

The early morning

I got up at six. I could do pranayama and meditation in front of the open balcony doors. In the beginning it was still a bit fresh, but this changed soon. A lovely morning.

Between pranayama and meditation I took a rather long break. It was for my legs so that they could recover from lotus pose.
11 min I wanted to meditate today. I was not distracted today and not restless. I think it is easier for me to sit in lotus pose with right leg first. I practiced this more often.

I asked myself why I do all this pranayama and meditation. The pranayama exercises shall lead to an ecstatic life. But isn't this a trap? Isn't it the same wish like being happy all the time?
Doing these exercises I try to be in the present moment.
Do they help me to wake up, to get rid of all the conditioning?
Are these practices only a reminder to wake up, to live in the here and now?
Perhaps it's true, that all these practices are not at all necessary. Can they be helpful anyway?
I don't know it.
Finally a humble answer came up: It's worth to get out of dreaming, life can only be lived. To dream is not to live. Everything that supports this is worth doing it.

I will go on with pranayama and meditation, even though today I do not really know why I'm doing it.

One thing is sure: My Asthanga practice is good for the body. So I will do this now.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Darling, I'm going to do pranayama now.

(The soccer game is not sooo interesting for me. I only like watching when Germany is playing. This is enough soccer for me. :) )

Me: Darling, I'm going to do pranayama now.
No reaction.
Me: Do you know what pranayama is?
He: No.
Me: Do you want to know what it is?
He: No.
Me: But I will tell you. Pranayama means breathing technique.
He: Don't snore.

I like this dialogue. It has something anarchistic.

This was before pranayama and meditation.
Now it is after pranayama and meditation. Pranayama was great again. I imagined my breath going up and down the spine. I need all my attention to do this. It's still a bit clunky, but it is getting better. I'm connecting with my energy that way. I love it.

Meditation: I didn't like to exxagerate and set the alarm clock for 15 min. After 8 min I got restless. Looked at the watch all the time. I lost focus. Thinking "ayam" got difficult. Finally after 10 min I stopped. 15 min was too much. I will let it grow slowly. I will do 10 min the next time. It's also demanding because I already sat 10 min in lotus pose. I change legs when I continue with meditation, nevertheless I'm not used to sit 30 min in lotus pose and this is not an excuse.

I found a question for myself: Why am I always so distracted? Being distracted shows many faces: I open the eyes when I meditate and look at my watch. I leave the mat when I want to practice yoga. I described it already so often. But it has other faces too: When I have to do the tax declaration, I prefer to do chores. When chores are necessary, I'm sure nothing more is important than learning French vocabulary and so on. Why I'm always so distracted? This I'm going to ask me now.

Our Saturday breakdown

We lived our Saturday breakdown.

Me at least I went up early and did journaling, pranayama, meditation and yoga. Soon after that I was in bed again - sleeping. My bf was sleeping during the morning and the afternoon. But me too, I slept hour after hour. At 5 p.m. I got up to do some grocery shopping. I wanted to pamper E. with mozarella with tomatoes. I know he likes it. I had to go twice, because I found out that I had no Balsamico at home anymore. It is sunny here, so it was fun to go out. Dinner was good, we enjoyed the light meal. Bf is now already in front of the TV, me in front of the PC. Tired. I think that our weeks are too exhausting. Somehow we both have to neglect our natural rhythm. On Saturdays we get the bill: Tiredness.

And I wanted to do so much. The kitchen is clean. That's good. I will have a clean kitchen tomorrow morning when I will get up at 5 a.m., that's uplifting.

I still have time for meditation, pranayama and watching soccer (European champions league).

That was it - our Saturday

Pain is part of the way

Today my joint of my right hand hurt. Pain I can handle. Tiredness is more difficult for me to handle. Now, after my practice the joint is better. Any movement is good for healing, I'm convinced of this.

It never goes up every day. Sometimes it goes down. Pain is part of the way. It's possible to go on with care and attentivness.

Slowly I practiced today. The breath was rather flat. My poses were rather good. I don't know why but I'm rather thin now, this always helps to do twists. Supta kurmasana was intensive, too, the finger could hook and the toes touched.

Astonishing was how good urdhva dhanurasana was. I used the bandhas and I breathed deeply when I did this asana. I didn't try to drop down from standing position. I had not so much energy when I finally did that pose.

The door of my balcony was open when I practiced. It's summer time here now. I'm so glad that I practiced. I was distracted, breath was flat, but so what. I was on my mat and I did it.

Time

When doing pranayama time seems to fly away. These 10 min are over rather fast.

Then I started doing meditation this morning. It was a restless sitting session. Ten minutes seemed to be much too long for me. My goal is to sit 20 min again. To focus on the word ayam makes sitting somehow interesting. Not so many other thoughts come up. This is supposed to have a relaxing effect. Nevertheless I was restless. I looked at my watch, I changed the sitting position, I scratched, I looked at my watch again, I dreamed a bit. I got back to the ayam- thinking, sitting still, yes, that was the good point, that I got back to it. I'm curious how it will go on with my sitting activities.

I know why people start with asanas and not with sitting meditation. It sounds so easy to sit 10 min or even 20 min, but it isn't. Not for me. I'm so restless.

The disease of the mind is to judge. Heaven and hell is created with this sort of thinking. How true. The messages by Osho are very inspiring.

Time to go on with my life. Finally I have time again for a full Ashtanga practice, because it's Saturday. What a gift.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The gap between work and Greek restaurant

It's Friday. Hungry bf is back from Dresden. He wants to go out. Of course I come with him. Somebody must entertain him. He is still in a conf call, while I filled the gap between my work and the Greek restaurant with 5 min pranayama and 5 min meditation. With a full stomach meditation makes no sense neither pranayama.

Pranayama is so nice. There is so much power in it. To imagine the breath going up and down the spine makes the whole body lively. What a technique.

Finally a sunny day here

Was I lazy this morning?
Was I not disciplined enough?
Or was I only exhausted?

I let the morning pass away. I wrote my journal. Nothing else happened.
I drank 3 cups of black coffee and leaned against the door frame.
Why was I not able to do anything?
There are perhaps days like this. Obviously they happen.

I feel exhausted. All this excitment.

The morning is over. It makes no sense to think about it, how I wasted it. Life goes on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(That's nice: this is the 444th post this year)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Some other stuff:Yesterday my favourite colleague gave me his e-mail address. We have lunch together each day, he helped me a lot with accounting challenges. His email address is a common e-mail address with his wife. To be honest, I don't want to write him, because I only want to write to him and not to a couple. I don't understand why couples have common email addresses.
And: At the dentist yesterday. 15 years ago the dentist married his wife. He told me that he and his wife do not have much time to talk to each other. Three children. I understand it. I told him that that's the reason why E. and I go out for dinner. This is almost the only time where we have time for a chat. When I left the dentist: I wished him a nice wedding anniversary. He: Perhaps you accomplish this one day too. Me thinking: What shall I accomplish? A marriage where the couple has no time anymore to talk to each others?)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Believe me,

feelings change quicker than a porsche can drive around a curve.

Guess what I fear and what makes me worry about?
I fear that I won't be able to do enough Ashtanga yoga during our trips.
That would be really a desaster for me.

Yes, it's allowed to laugh.
Somehow I'm awful today.

Present moment save me.

Soccer time this evening: Portugal - Germany.
Many Germans think that Portugal will win. I think that we will win. Of course.

Good, yes, good, bad, no, bad

I woke up at 4 a.m.. Twenty minutes later I got up. My life is so exciting that I cannot sleep.

Somehow I managed it to do pranayama and meditation.
Pranayama was great. Imaging the breath going up and down the spine is really exciting. I don't want to overuse this word. But so I experience it. Pranayama is a wonderful practice.

To think of the word I'am or AYAM, really reduces the number of thoughts during meditation. Only a few times I opened my eyes. I closed them again and went on with my meditation. To sit with closed eyes has a huge advantage: I don't see the mess around me. :)

But then I was distracted. I did only a few asanas, left the mat after each asana, walked around, stepped again on my mat, but couldn't stay. This drove me crazy. I want to do the whole thing.

That was it: My spiritual morning ritual.

- I have to leave my home a bit earlier today. I have an appointment at the dentist.
- I have another appointment today. After lunch I will meet a colleague, this beautiful young French woman. We'll have a cup of coffee together. She speaks French to me all the time, I love it.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I make them all hot

Firstly I will travel to Paris, the city of love,
then I will travel to Norway, the country of the fjords,
then I will travel to India, the country of yoga and

yesterday my bf asked me if I'd like to travel to the USA with him after my Indian trip. Of course, of course. Of course I will travel with him to the US, the country of freedom.

A huge smile decorates my beautiful face when I tell this to my colleagues.
More, I'm the smile itself.

I deserve it, I said today to a colleague, who asked me about my trips.
I deserve it, don't you think so? (My voice went up a bit at the end of the question.)

He looked at me and said nothing. I looked back and waited. Nothing. Silence.
That went on for a while. I smiled even more. (He was thinking that I do not deserve it. Hahaha)I make them all so hot.


(PS: Life is not fair, so it is.)

Reframing

During my last days at work some colleagues show their true faces. I experience open aggressivity from some people. I also experience friendliness. As it is the not so nice events occupy the mind a bit more. I'm not really attached to that events, nevertheless it made me think about difficult life situation.

How can I reframe them, I thought this morning while I did the dishes. How to see in these situations more than an awful encounter. And I had an idea.
These awful people can become characters of a book I might write one day. hahaha.

Again, thank you for everything I am allowed to live.

Only a missed opportunity

No it's not that bad.
I did pranayama and I meditated. Both practices are of another quality in the monrning than in the evening. I'm quiter, more patient, more in the now.

I was dawdling this morning.
So I had only time for a few surya namaskara As. My body needs more. I want more. But time is over now.
Our time is limited. Always.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

So nice neighbours

Backyard party was again a great success. With a minimum of organisation we had a very nice dinner together. "Party at 7 p.m. in the backyard" that was all what was written on a piece of paper and pinned at the front door. Everybody had brought some food, nothing was missed. Only my bf was missed. Where is he, they asked me. He is in Dresden. I will see him next Friday. I will have much time for myself.

At nine I apologized myself. I want to be in bed on time. I want to get up on time for my pranayama, meditation and yoga practice. I said good night to my dear neighbours. And here I sit now, warm again after the hot shower. It's still cold in Germany.

Oh, I had found the time for pranayama and meditation after work. It's totally different session than in the morning.

Pranayama and meditation

That's what I did this morning. Nothing else. Tired somehow. I needed a break. Perhaps I only needed the feeling that I have time. Doing nothing gives me that feeling. After meditation I lied down on the carpet and stared holes into the air. I loved it.

Soccer: Germany is one step further. We are in the quater final now. Ha. To see the face of Mr Ballack in slow motion when he scored the goal was amazing. The ball was already in the goal before he scored. The face reflected an immense intensity. There was no doubt, no "but", no indecision. And yes, the ball flew with high speed right into the goal of our dear Austrian neighbours. :)

We will have a backyard party this evening. Which means that I have to hurry after work. I want to make a salad. Bf will be on a business trip again. I will see him again on Friday evening.
To find half an hour in the evening for my pranayama and meditation practice is rather difficult. But I will find this time. Somehow.

Work: Every day from yesterday on I have to pass over a company to my colleagues till I have made myself redundant at the end. What a ritual. Feelings arise: I don't want to be redundant. My work was important, wasn't it? It is as if everything is taken away from me. As a punishment, because I worked so slowly? No, not really. It's the best solution for the company to do it that way. I see how inept my feelings are. I had always too much to do and that caused pressure and stress. I will enjoy it that I have less and less to do. I still have enough to do. To be able to go home on time is a gift.

Monday, June 16, 2008

German language

So much better I can express myself in German language. I know the effects of words. I'm able to play with words and word order. That's nice.

But I like foreign languages, too.

My days are no smoothie

Oh no, not at all. Tough as usual.

Opportunities to observe.
Opportunities to be aware of the energy.
Opportunities to be in the presence and again in the presence and again.

Soccer time this eveing: Austria: Germany.
And when the evening will be over my mountain of laundry will be smaller as well.
Watching TV and ironig goes well together.

I do not have to impress anybody,...

.... not even myself.

Pranayama, meditation, it went all very well. Time was too short for a full primary series. No pressure, no discontentment, I had enough of this during the last year. I was not really happy, but relaxed about my few asanas that were possible within the limited time.

I even did urdhva dhanurasana. Not to hold the breath, but to breathe deeply, to imagine how the breath lifts me up was the focus. Back bending in the morning is very special (I want to avoid the word difficult). I'm glad that I did this pose.

I relaxed in savasana.

Work: Every day I have to give over a company to one of my colleagues. There is still a lot to accomplish. I want to be paid till the last day, so I will be committed till the last day.

I'm very much in the presence. I'm not so much interested in the future. I do not feel fear what will come. We are not the doer, but the performer, I read yesterday. I think I can do not much, I can be curious what life situations will occur, I can be a witness of my own life. And my life was not that bad till now.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

No,

this makes no sense - to do pranayama and meditation after dinner at the Greek restaurant.

To establish new habits is a challenge. Twice a day I want to do pranayama and meditation.
Who told me to do that? I feel that it can be good for me. But I have to find the time for it.
It was fun this evening. We talked with our table neighbours about smoking and other unimportant things, too.

Time to go to bed.

It's done

And I am done, too. It was a real morning practice. I'm through all my spiritual practices and now it's no more than 9 a.m. Wrong. It's 9, that's true, but I'm never through my spiritual practices. I'm living a spiritual life, awareness stands above all. And this goes on off the mat, too.

I'm almost trembling. My practice was very exhausting today. Good, yes, but I still lack strength. I was also a bit distracted from time to time. Very good that I practiced. Only at the end when doing urdhva dhanurasana I thought this desparate sentence: I will never learn this pose. How so often, I experienced ups and downs during my practice and now it's over and I'm rather relaxed.

Likes and dislikes: I still know which poses I like and which I don't like. My intention is to change the question if I like a pose or not. Instead of that I'd like to ask myself which quality a pose requires. Is strength needed or flexibility, balance or patience. It's difficult to omit a habit without filling the gap with something else. It's like in life: To omit drinking coffee is difficult, but to drink a favourite tea instead is easier (not easy, but easier). I also think that the approach asking for the required qualities of a pose can be applied in life, too. The question if a life situation needs patience or courage or doing nothing or flexibility is a more adequate approach than always judging and asking if I like it or not. To judge everything is a wide-spreaded thinking habit with not much use.

This leads to another topic: Never ending happiness. I don't want it. It does not exist and it is also not desirable. Yesterday I was at a bookstore. I was looking for some travel guides for India. I also stopped at the esoteric corner. So many books promise never ending happiness. When I read this I put the book back very fast. I know what makes me happy: I like to have a shower, I like to go out with my bf to have a delicious dinner, I like to blog and this also makes me happy. But life is so much richer. I want more different feelings, not only mango cream every day. I want to experience the whole palette. Happiness can only be felt because there is unhappiness. This all sounds rather banal, but so many authors think differently.

What comes next: I guess my tax declaration is important. Feeling? Reluctance. OK, I can stand it. I can handle it. I have to do it. It needn't make me happy.

Something develops

Pranayama: My attention, that goes up the spine when inhaling and down the spine when exhaling was so much faster than my breath. This confused me a bit. Today I could bring the both closer together. It's amazing what an effect attention can have. Somehow it feels as if my spine becomes warmer because of this attention.

Amazing is the influence of the pranayama practice on my meditation practice. Meditation feels more pure. It's difficult to find words.
True is also that the thoughts are reduced when focusing on a mantra like "I am". Only one thought at at time is possible. I was not discontent when I scratched myself a few times. I was also not discontent when I looked at my watch once. Important is to return to the mantra. Slowly I want to enlarge the time to sit. Today I sat 13 min. 20 min is the goal.

Now I'm ready for back bending: second Ashtanga series.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I sandwiched my day

Which means I had another pranayama and meditation session in the evening.
Pranayama was really great. I had found rhythm. I tried to hold mulabandha during my 10 min session as recommended, but this was too much. I got back to to ujjayi breathing when exhaling and normal breathing when inhaling, while my attention went up and down the spine from the perineum to the third eye and back.
Mulabandha will be the next feature I will add.
But first I want to have established the habit of a morning and an evening practice.

Meditation was very clear and focused in the beginning, but after 10 min I got impatient. It was better to stop after 12 min. I want to progress slower.
Then I relaxed as recommended by Yogani.

Amazing: In the book by Lino Mile "Ashanga Yoga" is also a chapter on pranayama. It's the last chapter and not so easy to understand. It's also recommended to hold mulabandha when doing pranayama. That's really knew to me. But what amazes me is that there are so many Ashtangis but nobody talks about pranayama, even though it is part of the way.

Pranayama and meditation are not at all boring.

Feelings are stronger than thoughts

Feelings are energy, power. More important, no matter what kind these feelings are this energy can be transformed. I used the energy of my feelings in order to have an intensive first Ashtanga series. Oh it was good.

Marichyasana c: I wonder why I can only hook the fingers and why I cannot hold the wrist.
Supta kurmasana: I can hook the fingers AND the big toes touch when I do this. This is progress.
Ubbaya padangusthasana: I role into this pose without bending the knees, but with using the bandhas.
Urdhva dhanurasana: The pose felt good today, but I had not the will power to bend back when standing.

Wet from head to toe I left the mat. Feelings could be transformed into something positive - a wonderful practice. I feel balanced again.

I'm ready to work, I'm ready to do what has to be done here at home.
Yoga gives me energy.

Meditation and the mind

I did pranayama 10 min before I started meditation. 20 min I wanted to meditate. But after 10 min I looked at my meditation watch. My legs were getting dumb. Step by step, better slow and steady, I thought and after 12 min I switched off my meditation watch. It was enough.
Again I meditated on the mantra ayam, I'am, ayam.

Meditation pratice has a lot to do with the mind.

The main function of the mind seems to be to produce thoughts. Often we think these thoughs reflect the truth. But even when we think of what is happening in the present moment, we can only see a map of the world, our map. This knowledge might help to expand our possibilities to act, to see things differently. To know that we create our own world with our thoughts might also help not to identify with the thoughts.

But the mind has so much more possibilities: there is the possibility to remember things.

In meditation we exercise not to think too much. Meditation seems to be a relaxation exercise for the mind. And when the mind is relaxed the body is relaxed, too. The trick with the mantra is that there is only one thought possilble. Thoughts can change very fast, but there is always only one thought possible. Meditating on a mantra reduces the number of the thoughts and this has a positive effect on the organism.

Last but not least we have the possibility to observe, to be the witness of our own thoughts and our own life. Only people who are interested in personal growth are interested in that possibility the mind implies. To observe oneself and the world can be exercised. Masters like Osho, Gurdjieff highly recommend it. It's a method to become free from mechanical actions. It is a method to become free from all the conditioning we learned during our lifes.

Oh, the mind.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Life proved me something else

There was this little voice in my head, that ushered me to the bed: Only 15 min it told me.
At 9 p.m. I woke up again. And I'm still tired.

I will go to bed now. Nothing is possible anymore. Nothing was possible.

The pressure is fading

Of course I have still to accomplish something at my job. But there is much less pressure now. I only worked a bit longer today. I feel as if I can still do something this evening, something more than hanging on the sofa.

I went grocery shopping after work. Only for a second I considered to buy a little bottle of red wine for relaxation. But this 1 and a half glasses would already be enough to spoil my pranayama and meditation this evening. So no wine for me this evening, healthy food instead: fresh yellow pepper, dried tomatoes, artichockes and strawberries with soy cream as a dessert was my dinner.

There is a lot to do here, I have to make a plan.

A title, a title, a title please, I have no idea for a title today

Pranayama and meditation were very good today. This means I was focused. I didn't wait for the end. I was in the the presence. Now. What helps is that it has become easier and easier to sit in lotus pose. Nothing bothered me.

There was almost no time for my yoga practice. A few suryas, a few standing poses and a quick closing sequence. No discontentment was felt. It was not much what I did today, but the quality was high. Breath was deep. Soon I will have more time.

At midnight it rang at my door. Oh, I had forgotten to pull out the key. My bf was back. I ran to the door, opened the door, saw him and ran back to my bed. Then I heard him saying: I want a kiss. I ran back to the door again, gave him a kiss, I ran back to my bed again, and continued sleeping. My bf is back, I can hear him sleeping now, his breath is deep and even.

Today at nine o'clock we will have a meeting. The boss will divide my work among my colleagues. Poor colleagues. I have to be on time, I'm always on time. But today I will have to be on time, too.

A bit philosophy? So often we blame others for our feelings. Even the weather can be a reason for our bad mood or good mood. On the other hand we think we have a will and we make decisions regarding our own life. Isn't it a contradiction? Either I blame others or circumstances for my feelings or I am the one who decides how to feel. And perhaps nothing is true. Others cannot be responsible for our feelings and thinking, but we have no free will either, because laws are in action. Laws which are so strong like gravity. To see these laws is difficult. To go with them makes life easy, to fight them difficult.
Back to awareness. Everything can be observed. To be a witness of the own life, of life itself is , yeah, what is it? It's what I will do today again. From being an accountant to being the witness of how it feels, how it is to act as an accountant.

Indian visa: The Indian visa form is really simple. It's so easy that I think they want to have tourists. But yesterday there was no ink in my printer anymore. Everywhere are these little stones, which tell me: Nevertheless you will manage it to go to India.

What else: I work only 8 hours now. So I was at home at 6 yesterday. I had still enough energy to do chores. To work more than 8 hours does not only mean that I have one hour less for myself, but I'm also much more exhausted then.

This is the question to my unconsciousness: What can I do to make a lot of money within less working hours?

Oh, and now I have a title: A mixture of everything and nothing.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Soccer time in Europe

Croatia plays with Germany today or the other way round.

Is there anybody who is not watching?

Woke up too early

Too early means that I woke up at 3 a.m. and then I couldn't fall asleep again. At 10 to five when it was time to get up I could sleep again. And I also slept again 30 min. I need it, I think.

Meditation this morning: ayam, ayam, ayam (with closed eyes), ayam, I am, I am, ayam, ayam. Two times I looked at my meditation clock within 10 min. To be patient, to be quite is a challenge for me.

I do this spinal breathing now before meditation. 5 min. I imagine how the incoming and outgoing breath wanders up and down through my spine, starting at my perineum ending between my eyebrows (third eye?). Of course I had to touch these end points first, I'm kinesthetic. Then it was easier to imagine it. This morning I thought that perhaps because of this spinal breathing my spine was so flexible yesterday when I did urdhva dhanurasna. It can be so.

5 surya namaskaras A. Then I sat down in lotus pose and bowed forward, front was on the floor, arms pointed backwards. It's a very relaxing pose. That was it. Soon I will have more time. This consoles me.

I do not switch off the light now. I will be the witness of my life. Awareness brings light into everybody's life.
Time to read Osho's daily message.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Mysore class this evening

What shall I write. It was my highlight today. My breath was deep and even and the body was flexible. Urdhva dhanurasana is getting better. I'm happy. Officially I practice till krounchasana now. That's great for me (for my ambitious ego).

And: C. and B. gave me addresses of hotels in India. Step my step I collect information.
I'm excited, very excited, yes. But it is a positive feeling. It gives me power.
I talk too much. I must express my joy and I do it often in words.

And: I learned that M. will move to another city in Germany. That's really sad. She is my favourite Ashtangi fellow. She is so committed. I love it to practice next to her. But I think we will keep contact. Everything is in move. It reminds me all the time to enjoy what is. The next moment can be very different.

It's late now. I'm tired.

Page not found

I wanted to fill in the visa form online. Got the message - page not found.
The visa: It's necessary for my Indian trip. I hesitated to fill it in, because I have not yet found a hotel or a room where I will stay. And one of the questions in the form is where I will stay in India.

C. told me that it would be enough to fill in the city. Hope this is true. But now I cannot downlowd the visa form. Patience is needed. But I have it. I gain confidence that I'm able to organise the trip.

No time for nothing

I slept too long. I must have been very tired. I feel mercy with me. It's obvious that I needed that extra hour of sleep.
Mysore class this evening will give me my daily Ashtanga dose. This should be enough for today.

Somehow I needed direction this morning: What skills, what knowledge do I want to have I asked myself this morning when writing my one morning page:
English (not good enough, hahaha, like everything I can improve it)
French (very bad now, but lately I bought an English book about French grammar. That way I can improve both languages.)
I like to be a good vegan chef. I'd like it if people would talk about me: have you already eaten U.'s spicy Indian lentil soup? You must eat it. Even though I must admit for the time being I only like to cook for my bf. He loves everything I cook for him.
Ashtanga first and second series, of course.
And I want to be better organised - it's my very weak point.

Behind this question stands the most important decision: What is worth to spend time with. Time is so precious.

Now I have to work on the little daily steps, these little steps that help me to accomplish this.

Time to go on with my morning routine.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Meditation - a definition

"Meditation is the process of systematically allowing the mind to become still for specific periods of time each day."

(Page 6, Advanced yoga practices - Easy lessons for ecstatic living by Yogani.

The evening routine

When to practice in the evening? That's a really good question. It's not good to meditate with a full stomach, it's not good to meditate right before sleeping. But when I come home from work I'm hungry. To meditate when hungry is not the best thing either.

At home I prepared my dinner first. I ate tomatoes, peppers with a piece of bread and a lemon tea. It was not much, nevertheless I felt full afterwards. Not the best time for pranayama and meditation. So I decided to do some chores: I did the dishes, I washed clothes. Then I took the shower and then I was ready.

I did pranayama and I meditated. Before I started I closed the doors of my balcony. My neighbours are having a party. The first time I meditated with closed eyes. I understand now why some people confuse meditating with sleeping. To be alert with closed eyes is another challenge. I was not really patient. It doesn't matter. It's something new. I will do it again. .

Nobody who does not meditate can imagine how difficult it can be just to sit and to think of a mantra. It's not at all easy.

I will relax a bit now and then I hopefully can complete my Indian Visa. I'm tired already.

Pranayama, meditation

There are so many different ways to do pranayama and meditation. Lately I tried different ways of breathing - I went from ujjayi breathing to alternate nostril breathing (nadi shodana).

Again I changed my pranayama practice. I feel that I have found a method now I will stick to. I'm influenced by the book Advanced yoga practices by Yogani.

Pranayama (spinal breathing): I do it 5 minutes. While inhaling my attention travels upward inside a tiny thread beginning at my perineum, continuing up through the center of my spine, and up through the stem of the brain to the center of my head, then to the point between my eyebrows. And backwards while exhaling. (Page 45 in the above mentioned book)

Meditation (10 min): I use the word or mantra "I am" or "Ayam", in order to quite the mind. Yogani recommends to close the eyes. So far I meditated with open eyes. This evening I will do it with closed eyes. I'm curious how this will be.

It's recommended to do 10 min pranayama and 20 min meditation. I do half of it. Soon I will be able to do more, because I will have more time for me, but for now.........

I dawdled this morning, so I had no time to do asanas. Awful me. Of course I regret it, but it's too late now.

What else: Yesterday I was told to write down my activities at work. The boss wants or has to distribute my activities to my colleagues. It means again more work for them. Obviously there is no next accountant in sight. That's not my issue anymore.

The weather: Finally it's sunny and warm here.

Breakfast: A fresh mango with soy-yofu. Delicious.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Freedom

Freedom. The courage to be yourself by Osho

The title alone makes me ecstatic.

Act, do not react.
What immense knowledge is behind this phrase. I must repeat it.
Act, do not react.

Now four spiritual parctices in the morning

I wrote my journal, I did pranayama, I meditated and I did the first Ashtanga series.

The joy that I practiced dominated by far the disappointment that I had not the time to do all the asanas. The goal was not to practice sloppy. It's so easy to practice sloppy.
I focused on the breath, inhaling and exhaling were rather evenly.
Every day the body is different.

Urdhva dhanurasana was so hard. I need so much will power in the morning to do it. The body is seems very stiff when I do this asana. Consciously I do upward facing dog as a preparation for this pose, nevertheless in the morning UD a very demanding pose. I shifted the weight from the legs to the arms. This bettered the asana. Nevertheless I couldn't hold the pose for 5 breaths. I did it even though it was so difficult. I guess this will finally improve this pose.

Savasana at the end.

I went to bed on time yesterday. The soccer match was exciting. But I prefered not to be tired in the morning. Yoga was my priority. And I saw the first part of the match, that was enough.

India:
I have not yet applied for a visa for India . I need a hotel first or a room or at least an address of a hotel that I can fill in the form. That's my work for today - to find an address where I can stay the first night.
And I will copy all the important documents like my passport.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

It's 6:30 p.m. .....

.....and I have just finished my morning practice. I started late, practice was rather intensive. Later on the day the body is more flexible. I know this. So kapotasana was as good as never. I lifted myself up from lying position. Perhaps my urdhva dhanurasana improved, I thought.

Pashasana: I didn't give up till my fingers touched in pashasana. I'm on the balls of my feet when I do it. When B. gives me an adjustment I'm able to be on my flat feets. To do it that way alone will take me a long time. I feel this.

Patience is needed. Of course I'm impatient. I want to be better.
I'm glad that I practiced, it was not easy to start.

Usually when we say we do yoga, we mean we do asanas. But yoga is so much more.
For me the asanas keep the body strong, flexible, healthy, beautiful if you like. It's a side effect that I learn also to focus, to calm down the mind when I do the asanas.
Pranayama, meditation and this is yoga too, focus much more on the mind.
80% of my yoga time I do asanas. That's true, but I don't want to forget that yoga is much more. Pranayama and meditation became much more important for me lately, I don't want to miss it anymore.

It's soccer time in Europe. Now Austria is playing against Croatia (Croatia already made a goal). This evening Poland is playing against Germany. The game is rather late, but I will watch it with my bf. I like these international games, they are full of emotions.

Time difference Germany - Mysore, India

The time difference is only 3:30 hours.
It's 11 o'clock now in Germany and in Mysore it's 2:30 p.m. That's perfect.

The doves challenged me

In the middle of my sitting session, these doves flew on my balcony. And theay cooed so loudly. There was the impulse to shoo them away. On the other side I didn't like to interrupt my meditation by some intrusive doves. I deepened my breath, ayam, ayam, ayam, I pronounced silently. Meditation deepened. Doves became unimportant. Only the breath and ayam counted. And then they flew away before my meditation clock buzzed.

I like animals, but doves on my balcony goes too far.

Also today I started my spiritual practices with pranayama - alternate nostril breathing. I understand now why the yoga texts explain how to clean the nose. I live in a big city and big cities have dirty air. Pollution is everywhere, the nose filters the air, but the nose has to be cleaned as well. Many people clean their noses when they drive with the car. Often I can observe this, one hand is on the wheel, the other hand is at the face, one finger in the nose, cleaning it. There are more elegant ways to do it. A bit of water will do it. Having done it before pranayama makes breathing more enjoyable.

Before doing yoga I will clean my kitchen. Nose cleaning, kitchen cleaning, this cleaning persuits me.

Invited

We are back from C.'s birthday party. It's after midnight. How I love it to have like-minded friends. I know C. since 20 years and we are still interested in each other. What a gift.

Before having left home I had to prepare the salad and the dessert. Quick, quick, I did it, I had not that much time. I wanted to be on time.. The dessert was OK, but the salad was a bit boring, I think. I ate nothing at the party, I entertained. I had put on something sexy, I showed my white skin. It's nice to notice when the eyes of a man wander deeper while talking with me. I felt good.

It was a birthday party and I told my favourite story.

One day, I said, my boyfriend came home with a huge smile on his face.
It's unusual, because normally he is still thinking about his job. His face is series.
What happened, I asked him.
I was at the broker, he told me.
And what did he say, I asked him.
We talked about you.
About me?
Yes, he thinks you are 25.

Me after a while: But darling is that a compliment for you or for me?

Usually people laugh about this story, because they see that I'm not 25, but it's difficult to guess my age.

Oh I loved it to tell one story after the other today. I had a very good evening. Very nice that I saw C.

I have to go to bed. It's late already. It's already Sunday.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Not the whole damned thing

It was a practice with all the crazy poses like mari c and d, supta kurmasana, urdhva dhanurasana. But I also omitted many poses.
Even on Saturdays I think I'm in a hurry. I still have to buy lettuce, I have to prepare it. I want to bring a tasty salad to the party.
No wine for me at the party today. I want to be fit for tomorrow morning.

Much is done here at home, much is not done, life goes on, business as usual.
And my bf is on the bed the entire day. Sometimes I see him reading in one of his books on physics, sometimes I see how his belly is moving up and down very evenly, then I know that he is sleeping again.

But for me it's not yet sleeping time. I'm in a hurry, I'm in a hurry. Does this give me a certain importance, this hurrying all the time? (Just a joke).

Not because of the dogs, because of the little apes.

I went to the drugstore this morning in order to buy my tablets against malaria, iodine in case of injuries and tablets against diarrhea.
The clerk assistant asked me where I would travel.
To India, I told her.
How long, she wanted to know.
2 months I volontarily answered her.
Then you need an anti-rabies inoculation.
What??? I thought I was through all these vaccinations.
It's because of the little apes, not because of the dogs, she told me as if I didn't understand her.
I mean, of course because of the little apes. What else.
I will call the tropical institute here in Munich on Monday. I'm curious what they will recommend.

I cleaned the bathroom floor, I went shopping to buy shampoo, bread.
I will iron some clothes, I will vacuum. I have to buy vegetables for a salad. We are invited to a party this evening and we were asked to take a salad to the party.

All these little things have to be done. That's life as it is. Life is not only sitting in expensive restaurants and eating delicious food. Life is also vacuum the floors. Ha, and that's what I'm going to do now, before starting a late yoga session. :)

Morning routine - first part

Pranayama first. 5 min. I don't want to do too much anymore. 5 min conscious alternate nostril breathing is enough in the beginning. It's so much more than nothing. To do this breathing can be like a drug, only better because it's healthy. The breathing cleaned somehow my nose and the incoming air made me wake up. My mind became open and crystal clear. It was a perfect start of my day. And it prepared me for meditation.

Then I meditated. In the middle of the 10 min my mother called me. The phone call was sandwiched with my meditation practice. And that's what I want to do with my day. I want to sandwich it. Somehow I feel that my day finds the right end with 5 min meditation. Then my day has a wonderful beginning and a wonderful end. And in the middle part is the filling, the movie, sometimes exciting, sometimes boring, sometimes whatsoever.

Friday, June 06, 2008

India preperation is in full swing

Tomorrow my bf has to connect my printer to his PC, so that I can print the visa. Slowly I organise my trip. Not that I'm slow, but even little steps like searching the Indian consulate online and searching the visa form take time. It's all part of the trip. A positive attitude towards the tasks that need to be done when travelling helps to go on with patience. I think that my trip has already started. All the preparations are part of it.
And I have so much help in the background. It's amazing. I'm thankful. That keeps me going with optimism, healthy excitment and joy.

In the last years I travelled a lot with my bf. He organized everything perfectly. Now I'm somehow again on my own feet. It's a difference. I like it to gain back a bit of my independence and abilities.

I just thought about the electric epuipment that I need for the trip:
It's my mobile phone with my accumulator,
my electrical tooth brush (for my teeth) and an electric shaver (for my legs),
perhaps a PC (for emails, writing and blogging) and my camera with the accumulator.
It's obvious that I need something that connects and transforms the current. Neither in English nor in German I have the right words for this technical stuff. It's a shame. OK, but I need it.

When I travelled to India 25 years ago neither an electric tooth brush, nor a mobile phone, nor these modern cameras, nor these portable PCs existed. Only the electric shaver should have existed already. But 25 years ago I didn't shave my legs. I prefered to be as I was born, with hair. Now I need all this equipment. Times have changed. Life became a bit more complicated. Or should I write: I made my life more complicated, it could all be so easy-going, but....

The guru in me tells me that it is time to go to bed and that everything that could be done today is done already. It's time to relax in my bed.

At the internet shop

I met two colleagues at the underground. What do 3 Germans do when they meet? They are complaining. I love these conversations. We all have these immense working hours, the deadlines that we do not meet and nobody thanks us that we are so committed.
Still 3 weeks for me and then it's over. But for now I'm still in the dreadmill. Me too, I know how to complain. It's a wonderful game, that we shouldn't play too often. From time to time it's fun.

My PC does not allow me to blog. So I'm here at an internet cafe. Busy people with serious faces are around me.

My weekend plans:
Cleaning, visa, cleaning, tax declaration, cleaning, letter to the landlord, cleaning and so on.

And now I go home.

Shall I blame the "Friday"?

Let me start with yesterday: Practice was awesome yesterday.

Today: A few suryas happened. My excited mind was already in India. OMG was I mentally busy when I was on my mat. I was already on my way from Bangalore to Mysore and the traffic was awful. I missed the calmness here.

I started my practice with pranayama this morning. Either the breath is important or it is not important. If it's important it's worth doing pranayama. I did alternate nostril breathing for some rounds. I was focused on breathing and nothing else. (India disappeared). I like this way of breathing. My nose was not clocked today and this made this breathing exercise a pure joy. To start with alternate nostril breathing was a recommendation of a reader. I remember: 20 years ago when I started with yoga in our yoga class we always started with this breathing. It woke me up.

Meditation was relaxed, too. Ayam I thought when my mind wanted to wander around. The breath accompanied me through the 10 min. Oh, my breath.

And then the few suryas. Nothing else happened. Fine. I'm also a bit overstretched. Oh, I have just found another excuse for not having practiced more. But I don't want to talk so bad about my suryas. They are beautiful movements. The word "only" is an insult for them.

What else: A colleague laughed out loud yesterday when I told him during lunch time: I'm curious what the Gods have planned with me next? But so it is. What will come next? I don't know it. I enjoy this insecurity. Exciting movies are those where I do not know the end. The end is the death, that's for sure. But what will still happen between now and the death?

I still have a job. I work hard and I enjoy it, too. I gained so much knowledge in the last year and experience, too. It was not a good decision to finish the contract with me, I think sometimes. It was a very challenging job, sometimes it was too much work, but I feel that I would have been able to manage it. But all these thoughts are like thoughts about spilled milk of yesterday. Life already went on. I will remain open. The job will end and this is an obvious sign that I was not at the right place.

Breakfast now and correspondence. Need more time.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Flight to India is booked - buh

The flight is booked. Point. I will fly the 23rd of July from Munich to Frankfourt and then to Bangalore, India and I will return 23rd of September. I knew that this very first step was necessary soon.

I don't want to go into details. It's already late. Only this: internet booking was not possible. I always appeared as Mr. xy. We considered it too dangerous to book this. Then I called the reservation service. OMG was this woman pushy. For her I had to pay the 30 Euro extra. Here we go.

Patience is needed. This is one of my most difficult exercise.

The flight is booked The very next step is the visa. I'm not sure if I do everything in the right order, but I had to start somewhere.

It's late, I must sleep now. This booking filled my evening. OK, we were at the Greece restaurant as well, but most time consuming was the booking of the flight.

And my PC is not working. How to solve this problem. To be continued. Life consists of learning situations, all the time there is something to learn. :) Good night.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Perfect

So much fun, so much focus, so much flexibility and energy. Mysore class was great, really great this evening.

I didn't sacrifice my breath for a difficult asana. Even when I did mari c and d I tried to inhale the same way as I exhale.
Inhaling meant to stretch, exhaling meant to go deeper into the pose. The body has missed the practice.

It's never boring for me to write a few sentences about my practice. :)

And the practice calmed down my wild and angry mind. I'm milder again, much milder.

Time to go to bed. Buh.

I greeted the sun this morning - 3 times

I meditated 10 min. Time ran through my fingers.

3 sun salutations A today.
Again I tried the exercises Elise (mysore musings) recommended. I feel that they lead to the goal to be able to jump through without touching the floor. It's important to hollow the belly before jumping between the arms. This gives control over the body. It's also important for those who think the arms are too short in relation to the upper body. To start from downward dog, hands rather close to the feet helps to balance. The first exercise also helps to jump into bakasana one day. Sometimes the secret is to break a difficult pose down into little steps.

Mysore class this evening. I'm looking forward to it. It's a new beginning. I'm a bit distracted in the morning. I do everything, but no yoga. A few sun salutations are not enough for me.

It's so easy to fall back to old thinking patterns.
It's so easy to blame others for the own thoughts and feelings.
No, I don't want to give others so much power about my precious life and my time. I refuse.
Back to the basics: being aware, not to identify with thoughts and feelings, being aware.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Nothing will stop me.

I knew that they would come - the problems, the obstacles.
I was so in love with my own joy, that I spreaded the news about my Inian trip. Whoever wanted to hear my plans and also those who didn't like to hear it got the information. My trip to India, my yoga that's my favourite topic.

I was weak and vulnerable, then aggressive. So aggressive. (Who wants to stop me?)Energy, yes, but lost energy. I didn't use it for something productive. OK, I started cleaning the bathroom. So much energy was felt that I even cleaned the bathtube and the walls. Washing machine is cleaning some clothes now, too.

Nobody shall reduce my joy and adventurous mood. I do not allow it anymore.

It was as if I was sliding down a slippery playground slide, so fast, I couldn't hold me. The collision was hard and astonishing.

Again I stand with both legs on this earth. Why should anything be easy for me?

Now I'm careful again, reasonable. Sad. I like me when I'm exuberant.

(For the courious reader: I'm not talking about my bf, he supports me.)

To do list:
1.It must happen this week. I need a flight. Thursday is a good day to search the internet. Tomorrow I will have Mysore class.
2.I can cheque the exchange rate in order to get used to the currency.

At least this

At least I tried the first step that Elise (mysore musings) recommended in order to learn jumping through. It's about learning to balance on the hands. It's an important step. Of course bandhas and breath play an important role, too.

More didn't happen.
I wrote in my journal, that was it.
Perhaps I needed this break.

Awareness, awareness.
People think I'm cool.
I seem to be cool, when my mind is in the presence.
The presence does not know fear.

I'm ready to give again my very best at my job. I want to end my job with a good last impression. Do I want to please?

Time to have breakfast.

Monday, June 02, 2008

The evening

Lazy, lazy.

I sit at the kitchen table with stockings that end before my legs end. The color of the stockings match my skin color. I wear black tiny underwear as usual. It's enough clothes, I think. On the table are red dried tomatoes, a glass of Chardonnay, best German bread. Monday is over. I'm listening to Bob Dylon. I'm eating. Monday is almost over.

Jed McKenna you are so right. You threw your precious family watch into the water. What will I have to destroy in order to be free?

Almost free

They are curious and hungry. Glad to see a few animals who can have an almost acceptable life.

The countryside and the old houses

That's country life in Germany. But I guess it only looks romantic. The reality is different.

The castle and the village

It was all a bit foggy. No view. But it was warm. It's all very green there. Very relaxing.

The devil never sleeps

This morning he (the devil is male of course) appeared in the form of laziness.
No yoga today. Oh.
To breathe I can and I have to do all the time.
What does meditation mean? It means to live consciously. This I can do the entire day, too.
I only missed my yoga practice. Sad, yes, I will go back to it tomorrow morning.



Sunday, June 01, 2008

I loved the forest


I took some pictures, not enough. The forest impressed me. Somehow noble and wild at the same time.

Back home and it is late already

Back home. E.'s party was really fantastic. The people were great, open, liked to talk, the food was delicious, the weather was not too hot and not too cold and it was not raining, the castle was an adventure. And a highlight was the funny dia show and the stories of my darling.

I'm at home again. E. will come tomorrow. Sometimes I don't like music at home I enjoy the silence. The chatting and the violin play of the neighbours, the sound when I'm typing on the keyboard can be really enough.