Friday, May 30, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Oh and my dear bf reminded me that I need a visa for India. It takes about 3 weeks till I will get it. I would have forgotten it.
I sit here sweating.
Life is so exciting and exhausting at the same time. Buh.
Must pack my suitcase. We'll drive to B. this evening. On Saturday is E.'s birthday party. It's all so exciting. He even has bought a suit for himself. I want to look beautifully, too. Let's make everybody happy. No blogging for a few days probably.
Before practicing yoga I practiced pranayama: uddjay breathing 10 min.
It astonished myself that I have had the willpower to do urdhva dhanurasana. As every morning it is rather weak, not my best performance. I'm happy because I see progress. Especially when doing this pose I focus on the correct breathing. Inhaling when pushing up and not holding the breath is not easy.
Just a reminder: Each asana is welcomed in its singleness. Each life situation is welcomed in its singleness, too.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Enjoyed it. Must sleep again.
Wanted to make a story out of it. But I have no time and it isn't important either. Boss told today to the group that my contract would end at the end of June. Nobody looked at me, nobody said a word. I said nothing either. Still 5 weeks of work are before me. But the end is in sight.
I can realize the difference when I start with my practice. Practice is slower, more even. The practice is supposed to quit the mind and with the right breathing it is more likely to happen.
Time is very tight in the morning. For the middle part of the first series was no more time. But I did forward bending, balancing poses and back bending. Only the twists were missing. What I did was intensive with the correct breath. Urdhva dhanurasana with the right breath is easier. Not easy, no, not at all. But I did it.
Work: In the morning we will have a meeting. Again I fear that we were insulted in public. I'm glad when the job is over.
Yesterday when I arrived at home I wanted to take a nap. I slept and didn't wake up till it was 9:30 p.m. I'm so exhausted.
To handle too many tasks, time pressure, also failing are the tasks nowadays. In the end it's all not so important.
Thank you very much for your encouraging comments regarding my Indian trip. It takes away my fears. My next 3 steps will be: vaccination, buying the ticket, Email to Patthabi Jois and Sharath. How exciting.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A man was searching for God almost his entire life. He was very serious in his search. It brought him around the world in almost every corner. One day he climbed up a mountain. On the top was a little hut with a sign: Here lives God. The seeker was shocked. After a short while he tiptoed back. Very silently. He didn't like to be heard by God. When he was in safe distance he ran away from the place where God lived. The seeker had realized that his search would have come to an end, when he met God. His indentity as a seeker would have found an end. It would have been like suicide. So he stepped back and continued his travels in the world. He searched everywhere (in the cities, on the mountains, at the beach, in Asia, Europe, Africa) he only avoided the mountain where he had found the little hut.
I have to go to India, Mysore, NOW. I do not know what will be in a year or later. Now I'm excited. Now I have time. Now I want to do it.
I plan to stay 2 months. After June I will first travel to Norway with my bf for 14 days. We will be in Oslo and we will see the fjords. Back home again I will travel to India then. If possible I'd like to practice in the shala. I know that I have to buy the ticket soon. I don't want to make a drawback. And there are obstacles on the way. My parents i.e. I won't tell them about my trip when I will meet them the coming weekend. I will tell it, when I will have the ticket. My bf will come to India at the end of the trip. He promised it, even though I think he prefers to travel to more easier countries.
I think the fraction who votes for the injection is in the majority. On Thursday I will go to the doctor again. Oh, I'm open for your advice.
A bit later I will ask some more precise questions to the experienced Indian travelers. I have a lot of questions. So far I do not have a hotel i.e.
Then 10 min pranayama: uddjay breathing. It's THE exercise for me to improve my yoga practice.
Unforuntately then I had only time for a few surya namaskara a's. May my body apologize this. Time is running through my fingers. I'm dawdling, I write 3 pages in my journal, it's 2 pages more than usual and päng, time is over. I still have a job, I have to be on time. So time is limited in the morning.
What else: I called my bf yesterday. He is in the Netherlands, he will fly to England this morning. We will go to Norway first, before I will fly to India. There is still so much to prepare. I have to do my tax preparation and so on. My travel plans give me energy. I'm looking forward to the time with E., away from our daily lifes.
The guru is in you.
(I borrow this last sentence from yogani. Each chapter in his book ends with this phrase. I like it.
The guru is in me.
And now I consciously exercise loving: I will give water to my beautiful flowers on my balcony. It's easy to feel love when seeing them. :) Picture will follow.
Monday, May 26, 2008
"I want to meet like-minded people. I want to practice in a room with like-minded people. I want to feel the energy when all these people gather and practice yoga."
"But then the room will explode."
That's what they told me in the African restaurant.
Please have a look at the menue. With these words they made me enter the African restaurant.
I had a look at the menue. The restaurant was empty. I felt compassion. So I ordered a couscous and a Chardonnay from South Africa. After the first Chardonnay I could speak French almost perfectly. :)
After the second Chardonnay, I was invited then, I spoke the truth.
Oh I enjoyed the moments with these Africans. I'm a bit drunk now. Two Chardonnay weren't so good for me. So what.
I was at the doctor today. I wanted to know how I should prepare for India. Next Thursday I will get some injections. I'm ready for India, I'm ready to explode. I want to embrace this world. I'm excited, I'm curious. Oh, I'm ready to explode.
Then I stretched my legs, so that the blood could flow freely again.
Then lotus pose again, but now left leg first. I exercised 10 min uddjay breathing. I think that my poses are better than my breath. To exercise breathing seperately is very good for me. I observed the incoming and outgoing breath. It was like the sound of the ocean. I liked it. When I sit only, it's easier to make the inhaling and exhaling equally.
Then yoga: I could feel how much more focused my practice was than without the breathing exercise. I focused again on the breath. The practice had a totally different quality. I did only a few suryas. Then I went straight to urdhva dhanurasana. But here I also tried to breathe as it is supposed to be. Not to hold the breath when in urdhva dhanurasana is difficult. But I managed to do it. Two times I lifted myself up. Inhaling and I'm on my head, exhaling, inhaling again and I'm up. It's a difficult pose in the morning.
Then finishing poses: Everything that has started has also an end. I did all the finishing poses. Focus was also the breath.
I observed how slobby I practice very often. Today I did much less than usual, but it was with much more concentration and focus. I feel full of energy. I will use it for some chores. :)
Monday: Four other Mondays will follow. It's like a countdown.
I'm so in the here and now. I feel adventerous, curious what will come.
I will make a plan today what has to be done.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I fleed home twice. The first time I went to the steps at Karolingenplatz and read this wonderful German novel "Nicht die ganze Wahrheit" by Dirk Kurbjuweit. I sat there in the sun and read and read and read. I was amused, couldn't stop reading till the end. A private detective had the job to observe the life of a politician. The wife had given him the job. There was an affair, yes, but......Oh, I loved the Email correspondence.......
OK then I went home and saw my mess. No light in the kitchen. Light bulb is broken since days. Water in the bathtube does not flow off anymore. I don't want to mention that there are clothes and books everywhere. Only the place where I put my meditation watch all the time is without dust. Seeing this I fleed my home a second time.
Round the corner I found a restaurant where I had a Bordeaux special. Whatever this might be. It was an awful wine. But when the young friendly waitress asked me if the wine was good I said yes. I couldn't lie very well, we both had to laugh. She realized that I had told a lie. I read a book by Chopra there: The seven laws of yoga. I think I'm through. He expresses some things very nice i.e. he writes that the mind produces thoughts. It's it's the functin of the mind. But most stuff is known to me. I consider to modify my morning routine a bit after having read in the book: 10 min meditation, then 10 min pranayama, then the yoga practice. Why not. The breath became more and more important to me lately. I want to give more time to pranayama.
Today I didn't practice even though the mat was already unrolled. The vacuum. Why all this, I asked myself. My job is taken away from me and I had a foretaste today how this could feel again. I have to realign myself.
Here I sit now surrounded by my mess, observing my breath. It's a content deep breath.
Nevertheless: Sigh. Sigh.
Time to go to bed soon.
I had called a friend and the phone call was inspiring, as usual.
We talked about parties and expectations. I know people, who are experts in knowing how a party is supposed to be. My friend seem to know people as well who know very well how parties have to be.
We have to welcome the invited guests.
Children are supposed to say"thank you" when they get money.
After the restaurant it would be rather good to go home to the host.
It's always good to say thank you.
It's expected to be on time and so on.
When the expectations are not fulfilled anger, disappointment arises. People blame most of the time others for this.
Expectations are the railings of the self-made prison.
I think of my own party, that I had planned in the end of May. My situation has changed now. Soon I will be unemployed. I want to spend my saved money for the trip to India and not for a party. To pay for the dinner for 8 or 10 people would be the equivalent for the half of the fee of the shala in Mysore. I wanted to introduce my friends to each others. Now I think they expect me to pay. I don't want to do it now, nevertheless I think it could be fun to spend an evening together. It's such a crazy thing with all the expectations we carry around with us. Writing this down I found a solution. I will possible expectations ignore. Expectations of others shouldn't be my problem. I will tell what I'm willing to offer. I will plan it, I will organize the meeting, that was it. I don't want that other people think of me that I'm thrifty. These thoughts what other people could think of me are redundant, too. It's ballast on my way to become free.
Oh I discover still many expectations in my own life. I.e. I expect that people don't kick at my heel when I go on the moving staircase. I don't want to ge jostled in a crowd, especially not in the morning. It provokes feelings in myself when this happens. Anger, impatience is felt. Then I do not like other people.
Expectations are a trap, an awful trap.
The expectations of others seem to be redundant, stupid, narrow-minded, but the own expections...........
Life is never how life has to be. This is so funny.
We laughed about:
I told my friend that I lost my job.
Me: It was not my own decision to go, but it is OK. I have not made so many decisions in my life on my own. So what.
She: And the one or two decisions we made weren't probably the most wise ones.
Everything is OK as it is.
Only that I haven't practiced so far is not OK at all. :)
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Today I really wanted to focus on the breath. I really wanted to match the movements with the breath. In order to be able to do this I only wanted to go till the first two standing poses - padangusthasana and padhahastasana, then closing sequence with the same intention.
Between the surya namaskara a I needed some more breaths, but otherwise I was able to breathe deeply and evenly. It was amazing how intensive my practice became. I started sweating rather fast and at the end, in halasana to be precise, my legs even trembled. It has been such an intensive practice.
Urdhva dhanurasana heralded the closing sequence. I observed that I suddenly stopped breathing. To breath deeply seems to be important to improve this pose. I bent backwards while standing, but focus was the breath. Then I dropped back till my hands touched the wardrabe. Oh it was difficult to go on with breathing evenly. That's exactly what I have to improve. This could make dropping back more likely.
I did much less than usual. But the quality of my practice was much better. I hope very much that I will have time to do the other asanas of the first series later. But for now I'm very happy with the practice today.
And now I want these toe rings. Like every day I have oiled my feet already, so that they remain soft. Toe rings will look very nice at my feet.
My impression: it's a good exercise. I couldn't do 15 min udjay breathing. It exhausted me. From time to time I switched to normal breathing. But I started udjay breathing again.
The last minute was difficult. I looked at my watch after 14 min and this was it. My right leg started hurting and I couldn't stand it.
The exercise is good. I will repeat it.
The breath is so essential. It needs special attention. The breath guides me through the practice. It shows me when to stop, it helps me to go deeper into a pose. The breath keeps me alive. During Ashtanga yoga it is supposed to be deep and even. It is supposed to match with the movements. The breath helps to be in the here and now. It is underestimated.
Sometimes I think I have to start my yoga practice from the very beginning. I feel like a humble beginner, who cannot even breathe correctly. So I will work on this.
Friday, May 23, 2008
I said, yes, but I will tell you the result during lunch time. I wanted to make it exciting.
He wanted to leave the company at 12 this day, so I told it at once. I will have to go, I told him. He was astonished. He couldn't believe that they set free such a committed person like me. It consoled me. But in the end I'm glad that something new will have to come.
I will work committed till the end. So I am. 6 weeks and I'm through.
Some random things: I was looking for my feet rings today. I couldn't find them. I'd like to wear feet rings again. The Bob Dylon CD "Essential" arrived. Love it. Caroline inspired me.
In any case I wanted to sit. I was so calm today. Focus was the breath. Thoughts appeared and disappeared. To sit in peace, quit, without distraction is wonderful. It's simpicity.
Then I did a few suryas and the last three padmasana poses and savasana for a few breaths. It's the variation I do when there is no more time at all. It gives me the feeling that I have done something.
Job: My job still occupies my mind. Do I feel as if I failed, I asked myself this morning. The answer is: No, not at all. The opposite is the case. I'm proud what I accomplished. I know, others see the opposite. It was the first time that I did annual accounts and tax declarations for 15 different companies. I was even responsible for one of the largest companies, what a trust. I learned so much.
Today I will tell my colleague the hot news (that I will leave the company). Relief is the dominant feeling and not fear of the future. I'm so glad what I do not have to do now as the job will end. Life goes on.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
You are a Chardonnay - Fun, joyful, and very social.
Your friends often describe you as having a wonderful love of life and people. You are charismatic, friendly, and love to smile. You love warm sunny days when you can go outside and take in the sun with your friends. You are casual and down-to-earth and very approachable. You always give people a second chance and are open to meeting new people and learning new things. Traveling to beautiful and interesting places is one of your favorite things to do, as is going out to eat with family and friends.
Chardonnay is the most famous white wine grape. It is often a creamy, complex, and full white wine. Flavors include apple, fig, and peaches as well as honey, butterscotch, and hazelnut.
Mysore class yesterday was great. We were only two. We got a lot of attention. Mistakes that can be hidden in a group of six people or so become obvious when we are only two. My breath is still rather uneven. I know it, I know it. I plan to practice udjjay breathing seperately in the evening in order to improve my breath. 10 min is the plan. Mysore class is my weekly kick. It keeps me motivated. After a rather lazy week I'm a bit overstretched today, nevertheless highly motivated and enthusiastic. I postponed my practice this morning. We have a day off here and I wanted to enjoy my bf before he had to leave the house. He is on his way to H. now.
India becomes very likely now. The guys we met at the Cuban bar yesterday encouraged me a lot to go. I told them that I fear to go to India. "What do you fear?" they asked me. "That I become ill, that I will have a traffic accident." I answered. They destroyed my fears. In India they were more attentive, they told me. And if I ate fresh food, I won't get ill, they promised me. We exchanged Email-addresses. I will contact this woman.
People that travel a lot have the opportunity to change. I remember an encounter a few days ago with a former German colleague. After my sauna visit I went to a restaurant round the corner and there I met a former colleague from the insurance branche. We greeted each other. She was with another woman. In Germany it is not the costum to introduce people. So the other woman was standing a few steps away a bit lost. I looked at her, smiled and said hello. She smiled back. I had already told that I wanted to eat something. The other woman suggested to take a table together. But my former colleague didn't like it. She said that she wanted to meet me at another time. German people who travel a lot become often more open, more communicative. Even though the German colleague was a good salesperson and travelled the world she remained very German. Everything is only an opportunity, nothing more. Some people see opportunities to grow, others don't.
OK, I will meet the woman, we met yesterday, I will write her an email, and she will tell me stories about India and Africa. At first sight she didn't look open, but her travelling made her open. My humble opinion. Ha, I like to meet people.
I am full of energy. All the tanks are full.
Of course it makes me shacking my head. Four times in a row I have lost my job now not voluntarily. Each time for another reason. THIS MUST TELL ME SOMETHING. Please, let me know what. What shall I do with my life. Tell me, inner voice. What shall I do next?
To let happen, to go through life without crashing everywhere is it. Jump and the net will appear, a reader wrote me once. More than ever it is important for me to be courageous, to trust, to see whatever will come it is absolutely perfect.
Thank you for all the given tasks. They are all for me.
Then a man came in. E. knew him. It was the owner of the bookstore with the focus on mathematic and physic books round the corner. Later his friend joined. He seemed to be friendly from first sight. She seemed to be the opposite. I was curious and open as always and it came out that she was a very interesting woman. She used to travel to India. Now she has a house in Ghana and loves Africa. The both are not so young, between 50 and 60, but they seem to have a love affair with all the games that we play when we like someone. It was really funny to see the man even a bit jalous because of the great ex-love of his friend - a man from Ghana. She is doing yoga as well. Every day she is doing some sort of sports. Our men are lazy. We laughed a lot about this.
Four different personalities met and had fun together. What a nice evening.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
But I returned and asked: "Have you already made a decision?"
It was clear very fast that my contract will end at the end of June. I'm glad now that I know it. Oh, the boss was polite and even regretted it. I see his situation. We are behind so many things. He needs people who are faster. I don't think that I was slow, but for him it is a solution to try someone else and for me it is OK, too. I offered not to take vacation. I prefer the money now, because after June I will take a few months off. He accepted and liked my offer.
The message was not really new to me. Today I saw the boss with HR and an unknown person in his office. Door was closed. When I saw this, I knew already that I will have to leave the company.
I'm waiting for my bf now. He is probably already at the airport in Munich. He was in Paris. I want to go to the Mexican restaurant round the corner. There is a huge bar and I want to have a Cuba libre.
Cuba libre - this sounds like a drink for liberation.
Act consciously I read today in my daily Osho - email. I cannot read it often enough.
I got a letter from the landlord yesterday. I got the statement of utility cost. Since we have the Euro they want to charge me with 21 Euro more. Each year I have to write them that my advance payment is higher than mentioned in the letter and that therefore the additional payment is less. Each year. Since almost a decade it's the same. At first I got angry. Then I thought: Something must happen in life so that I can act. And everything is a possibility to act consciously, calm, grown-up, smart. To act consciously implies that I don't want to loose my energy being angry because of such minor things. This yearly overcharge of 21 Euro has something funny already. When will they get it? Will they ever get it? Like every year I will pay the additional payment fast minus these 21 Euro. I work as an accountant, this means I'm able to calculate. I must prove this, do I? 21 Euro is the equivalent of a sauna visit and a drink.
OK, I will do what the given task requires. I will write a letter to explain the reduced payment. And then I can also mention that I need a new water meter, because the one I have now is broken. This is something I want to do since 18 months. What a great opportunity to do it now. :)
No meditation today, no yoga, nothing. I was so lazy this morning. Incredible.
Yesterday the "Autobiography of a spiritually incorrect mystic" by Osho arrived. It reminded me at once of a book title by Jed McKenna: "Spiritual incorrect enlightenment". Both men have a lot in common. They both are my favourite coaches/mystic whatever.
I was a bit unwilling yesterday to write about the 3rd decade of my life. Is this really important I asked myself. I wrote about it because I want to finish the "project" to write a few sentences of each decade I'm here on earth. I was somehow bored to write about it. Only interesting was that I discovered Osho that early in my life and nowadays I get back to his teachings: Awareness is the main message I think. Awareness, awareness, awareness.
Will be today the day to ask the boss regarding the working contract? I shall see. It will happen, nothing must be done.
What a undisciplined, unfocused post. That's my challenge. To be focused.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
From 1979 till 1989 - the Eighies
Everything changed all the time.
In the meantime I was in Berlin.
In the meantime I had found out that life is not fair, especially not to women. I was against so many things, I didn't like to be beautiful, I didn't like to laugh. I was a serious person and I wanted to be a serious person.
Great leap in thinking was to be for something. To love something without ifs and buts was something I had to learn in this decade in order to move forward.
I finished my studies of sociology. I had first job. The most interesting one was the one where I worked for the European Community. I could travel in Europe every 6 weeks. I loved it.
In the beginning of this decade I had my first yoga class. Most amazing for me was the relaxation. :)
I did belly dancing, Aikido, Karate. But I got back to yoga all the time.
At the end of the decade I started thinking of a "serious" relationship. I made not really good choices. I'm so glad now that nothing lasted forever. Men need a future, women a past. In the eighies a started to have a past.
I went to India - alone. I was in Poona, I saw Osho. He is the one who fascinates me till now. Today his autobiobraphy arrived. But I digress.
I wanted to be free, independent.
(Oh, I almost forgot it. I wanted to write about my greatest challenge in this decade. It's too late now. Tomorrow., or the day after tomorrow I wil write about it.)
Thinking: It's good that I have done something.
Feeling: Acceptance - more than accomplishing something is to be relaxed.
Bf got up at 4 today. He will be in Paris this evening. They will go to a jazz club. I wish I would be with him. :(
As I will be here, I will be amused here, too. :)
It's rainy here. I will dress my new red shirt. Red is such a wonderful color. Red means energy, power. It means I'm here, present.
Monday, May 19, 2008
My bf does nothing at home. This does not touch me anymore. But he makes me even more work because he is so unattentive. I think I get crazy.
It's a mess here. I think I get crazy.
I have to go to bed soon and there is still so much to do. I think I get crazy.
Oh, this was good now.
What to omit I asked myself this morning. I did omit nothing, neither my morning pages nor my meditation practice. But I had time only for a few surya namaskaras. At the end of my suryas I felt a bit less stiff. Psychologically it is always important to step on the mat.
I'm glad that we will have a very short week. On Thursday we will have a day off. What a luxury, 10 hours more for myself.
Today will be an exciting today. When I will have the courage, I will ask the boss if I will get another contract. I, myself, cannot make a decision what I prefer.
I feel overwhelmed. This morning I wrote a to do list of only important things that I have to do. It was such a long list. At the end I thought that it would be good if I do only one thing. But I don't want to make a decision which activitiy this will be. My inner voice will tell me what to do when it is time to do something.
Steve Ross - Happy yoga - page 217: If everything is here for your growth, what are the situations in your life teaching you right now?
Everything changes, most things are out of my influence. To accept what comes and not to be resistance makes life easier. To have trust in the own abilities to handle new situations makes life easier, too.
Main challenge: How to handle being overwhelmed. Perhaps the answer is to let go and to enjoy the current moment.
Where is my breakfast? Today I will have a banana. Oh, I have to wake up my bf.
What to dress? It's rainy here. Shall I still fold the dry clothes? I'm already in a hurry.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I sat down on the carpet (not on a cushion) and did alternate nostril breathing and uddjay breathing. My nose was a bit clogged. To breathe consciously was very nice. Time to go to bed now.
More than ever I see that nothing last forever. This makes me appreciate the current moment.
To speak silently the name of the asana is a way to appreciate the asana. That way I cannot go over the asanas - quick, quick to the next pose. Consciously I have to do every single asana.
My back bending were good today.
Nevertheless I feel like a beginner. Why? The breath does not match with the movements, i.e. To feel like a beginner is not such a bad attitude. It means that I'm open, I want to learn.
I feel great now, of course. It was predictable.
My yoga practice can only get better now.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
When I do not do yoga in the morning, I won't find time anymore later. Either I have eaten and my stomach is full or my bf is at home sitting on my yoga place. He is so heavy that I cannot carry him away.
I picked up my sunglasses today. Being downtown I used the opportunity to buy some clothes and some books. Bf invited me for dinner later. And now it's rather late. I think it is better to go to bed now and to go on cleaning tomorrow. Should be happy what I have accomplished today.
Friday, May 16, 2008
I read in the book by Carlisi that the series can be easy. I wanted to have it easy today. I didn't like to fight. After the suryas I sat down in padmasana. I had an easy, short practice this morning. And it was OK.
In order to match the movements with the breath it's necessary to move rather fast when doing surya namaskare B. The middle part is rather speedy.
Work: I feel stress. I will do what is possible for me today. But I'm not sure if I will be able to finish the annual accounts of one of the largest companies. And on Monday the boss will be back. I try to be relaxed (and amused). But I'm not sure what I can accomplish.
I got curious and excited about my near future. Will they give me another contract or not? More important than the answer to this question is to be in the here and now in order to be good today, focused, concentrated, courageous, optimistic.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I did only surya namaskaras today and a quick closing sequence. I was too late on my mat and I felt exhausted.
I always like the surya namaskara As. This time I said silently the name of the asana that I was doing. I want to know all the asanas by name now. To think of the name of the asana whenever I move into another asana makes me attentive. These little changes of my practice keep me motivated.
What else: During lunch time I will meet E. today. It's nice. And in the evening I'll go to a Mysore class.
Stress is growing again. To observe it, to be aware is the right drug. I do not know a better one.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I should be already under the shower.
I worked too long and I accomplished not what I wanted. So I'm behind time. After work I went downtown to have my sunglasses repaired. Later I met E. in an Italian restaurant. And now it's time to go to bed. No chores are done so far. What shall I do. I still think of the wonderful weekend, the view, the sun, the wind. It was so meditative there.
I have to hurry. Early to bed, early up.
If I imagined this beautiful nature of yesterday, my meditation would have been calmer. Perhaps. So I sat on my cushion in lotus pose, nervous. I looked at my watch from time to time, I sipped from my black coffee, then I opened my legs. Udjayii breathing altered with abdomen breathing. Sigh. And finally the 15 min were over. Sigh.
No time for yoga today, as I got up too late. It's my moon day today. :)
Picture: Herzogstand again. We plan to stay overnight there on one of the coming weekends. To do yoga there in the morning, is a wonderful imagination.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Few people have seen the stars, few people have seen the mountains, once Osho said.
I saw the mountains. And they were so beautiful, covered with snow and so high and calm. We spent another day at the Herzogstand. The beauty of the nature let me forget everything. I only admired what I saw (consciously).
The men had the beer at the restaurant, the ladies walked up the mountain till the top.
The little effort (45 min walking up the hill) was worth doing it. The view at the top was amazing. To walk through the snow while it is hot like on a summer day is something special.
Time to go to bed.
Yes I practiced. I'm relaxed now. Body is always thankful when I have moved it.
I had to hurry today. We have guests. We will go to the mountains. I will make them leave the restaurant, which is close to the lift. I think we should walk up till the top - it will take only one hour. My bf has already packed a book. He won't go with us. Redundant to write that it would be very good for him. Let's see what the others will do? Will they accompany me to the top or will they sit drinking beer enjoying the view only. I'm insolent, I know it.
In order to match breathing with movements surya namaskara B must be done much faster than surya namaskara A. Often I do only 3 ones. Then my body is warm.
"All theory is grey." I think it was Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. My mat is already rolled out.
I want to practice now. Inhaling....exhaling.....inhaling.....exhaling.
I published medium-sized pictures when I was inhaling, when the body lungs fill with air and the upper chest is blown up like a baloon.
I published small-sized pictures when I was exhaling and the body becomes smaller again, when I let go of everything.
Inhaling is more active, exhaling happens from alone.
The breath always reminds me of the waves of the ocean.
5 breaths here. Adho mukha svanasana is the pose of the surya namaskare A.
The challenge of this pose: to keep the body straight. Bandhas help.
It follows a deep inhaling into a classic.
Nowadays I'm curious: How flexible will I be today? How will my lifestyle influence my morning practice? Have I eaten too much the day before, am I still tired, have I slept too long?
I do not judge this pose anymore, I ask what it is telling me.
Just to hang forward IS one of my favourite poses.
I try to keep my back straight. In order to protect the harmstrings (this pose is supposed to stretch the harmstrings) in that pose it makes sense to tighten the leg muscles.
To look up is very optimistic start. At the same time the feet are stable on the ground.
Once I read that the breath is the very first activity. It gives the impulse to lift the arms. It might happen a fracture of a second before lifting the arms, but it comes first.
Usually I whisper: I'm not my body, I'm not my feelings and emotions, I'm not my thinking, I'm pure consciousness. Not always but sometimes I chant the opening prayer (I sing the opening song :)). In that pose I sometimes dedicate my practice to someone, but not that often. When I dedicate my practice to someone I think my practice should be a good one. Expectations often lead to frustrations. For me it is enough to think of someone.
Being in that pose I think of the intention of my practice. Often it is to focus on the breath, or the bandhas. Sometimes I want to practice beautifully, sometimes I want to explore the poses. It can also be that I only want to spend an hour on the mat.
I don't think that Ashtanga yoga can become an addiction. It's easier to stop doing at than to go on. Being in samasthitih a most important step is already done, a decision is made for a healthy lifestyle.
And then.............................inhaling, arms up.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Urdhva dhanurasna - a very demanding pose.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
For the whole practice I needed 1 hour 30 min. It was a slow practice with some little breaks. I explored the asanas today. I looked at them as if they were new to me. That's an attitude that does not judge.
I was only a bit disappointed when I couldn't hold the wrist in marichyasana b and c. Kurmasana was also weak. Fingers could touch, but not hook. I added an asana. I took the leg behind the head. Very bad was urdhva dhanurasna. But all the other asanas were very good, enjoyable. I stretched myself, I could even enjoy the sweet pain that was felt when I reached my limits.
I'm very thankful for my perfect body. Often I'm even astonished what I can do with it. Sometimes even to fly seems possible (a joke).
Friday, May 09, 2008
I had no expectations this morning. I focused on my breath. Slowly I went from asana to asana. I had the time to become conscious of the sensations in my body. I felt the bandhas, I felt the harmstrings, I heard my breath. What else do we need to be happy? It was pure joy today.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I couldn't even stretch my arms today. It's a demanding pose. Practice and all is coming, I think. I will explore if this is true.
"They pissed on me in the shower, they threw banana skins after me, but all this made me stronger." Oliver Kahn ( our famous German door keeper).
Oli published a book on succes. It is called "I, Oli Kahn". How else should be the title! From today on it is available in the bookstores. A huge German newspaper had the above mentioned quote on the first page with a picture of the goal keeper looking up to the sky. I need that book.
Me:"Darling, with this quote on the first page, they made a bestseller out of this book, believe me. They annoyed Oli a lot, but with this title they help him a lot to sell this book."
Me:"Darling, it's best weather to run."
He:"Give me another 15 min." I'm an awful girlfriend. I talk to him while he is still sleeping and now I even throw him out of of the bed and I will make him run. And he is so tired in the morning.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
A long working day is over. E. and I were out for a quick drink. I did not want to spend the whole evening in a bar. So we returned home rather early. I want to get up in the morning in order to move my body in the familiar way. 5 a.m. is early, but I know why I get up that early, it's because of me.
I like to sit, I like to write, I like to do Ashtanga yoga. That was it for now. Good night.
I meditated. The breath was the focus. The breath is such a powerful tool, it cannot be mentioned often enough. It helps to stand pain, it helps to focus on the presence, it gives energy.
Then 15 min were left for my yoga practice. I did some surya namaskara a's, pincha mayurasana against the wall and a quick closing sequence, existing of salamba sarvangasana, halasana, fish pose with straight legs, sirsasana and padmasana. Not to hurry gave me a certain peace. "Why hurry at all?" I thought today.
The morning was very relaxed, No regret that I have done so less.
In the meantime the message from Osho might have been arrived via email. It's my daily reminder to be aware. Awareness gives life another quality.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
This is a yoga blog and I will focus on that today. I have to.
Mysore class: I got pasasana today. What a present. "Do a vinyasa", B. said to me today before urdhva dhanurasana. What's that, I thought. And then she adjusted me into pasasana. Fingers could hook and feet were flat on the floor with her support.
Silent joy is felt. The show goes on.
As every day I also meditated. I sat in lotus pose on my cushion and observed the breath. Suddenly my hands went to my face and moved up and down there, giving my face a soft massage. I have not been able to stop this impulse. But soon after this had happened I returned to the former position. My right hand laid on my left hand, thumbs touching. Why this sudden even compulsatory movement? I had thought of the accruals I have to do in one of the next days. A challenge.
It's possible to return to the breath in each and every minute. So I did.
Back to the breath, back to the here and now.
Mysore class this evening. I'm looking forward to it. The energy of the group will help me again to be focused.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
I do the annual accounts of one of the biggest companies of the firm. It's challenging, but today I made progress. Like my practice, every day has surprises. I will fight till the bitter (or not so bitter) end.
Picture is taken at the Herzogstand last weekend. If I only had time I'd like to write why it's worth to come to Munich.
But I digress. My body was stiff today. I was not ambitious. Or was it already ambition to practice? Of course I'm more flexible now, after an hour of concentrated practice. Important is to step on the mat and to practice. I'm sure I will see brighter days again.
Sitting meditation was a joy. I like it to observe the breath.
Monday, May 05, 2008
I was concentrated today, that was very good.
I must sleep now. I'd like to have the courage to ask the boss if I will get another contract.
I wrote 3 morning pages, I had a lot to write today. I meditated 15 min, I observed the incoming and outgoing breath and I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed the 5 surya namaskara a's that I did. Breath was in the meantime very deep.
At 7 I had to wake up E.: "You have to wake up", I whispered in his ear and I meant it ambiguous. But he answered: "I have still 15 min."
Wake up, now - that's my message for the day.
Picture is taken yesterday at the Herzogstand. We had dinner there, it's a lovely place very close to Munich. There was still snow there, but it was already rather warm on the other side.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
My body was weak due to the cold that was still in my body. I hope that with the sweat the illness vanished through my pores.
No legs behind the head today. But I could hook the fingers in pasasana. Urdhva dhanurasana was very weak. I'm not disappointed as I had no expectations. I only wanted to practice. I'm glad that I respected my body and that I didn't try to go to my limits.
Breath was the focus.
And what next? I'm hungry. Breakfast time.
2 dristis alternate in surya namaskara: the 3rd eye and the nose.
Urdhva vrkasana - 3rd eye
Uttanasana A - nose
Uttanasana B - 3rd eye
Chaturanga dandasana - nose
Urdhva mudha svanasana - 3rd eye
Adho Mukha svanasna - nose (I thought it was the navel)
Uttanasana B - 3rd eye
Uttanasana A - nose
Urdhva vrkasana - 3rd eye.
How to do these dristis without squinting?
I think it is more the idea to look in that direction than doing it. The eyes are supposed to be stable. Changing the dristis is only a slight move up and down.
And what writes Carlisi to the dristis?
Page 186 f: "Scientists tell us that 80 % of our energy goes out through our eyes. .............Dristi trains the mind to observe by creating a double-arrowed passive awareness. Rooted within, looking out: internally focused, yet watching what happens outside as well............
As you have seen, the tools of Inside Out - Mula and Uddiyana Bandha, Ujjayi breathing and Drishti - bring more aliveness to your practice, because they create Presence.
And as theory is nothing without practice, I will find the way to my mat now.
Carlisi described the differences very well in his book "The only way out is in" (page 183 ff). Doing abdominal breathing the belly is relaxed. It can be seen how it moves up and down.
In Ashtanga yoga the bandhas are used and this makes the belly firm. Doing ujjayi breathing the body gets blown up like a balloon, The front, back and the sides expands when inhaling. The picture of the ballon is very helpful. Movement of the body happens - the ribcage expands (not the belly).
According Carlise there is no better or worse, but the effects are different: Abdominal breathing is a relaxing breathing, while ujjayi breathing creates heat and energy, while it's possible to stay calm inside.
I think to know that the ribcage expands when I'm inhaling helps me to make inhaling and exhaling evenly. (My exhaling is usually longer than my inhaling).
Morning meditation: After 10 min I looked at my watch, I got impatient. Then I continued concentrating on my breath.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
The ginger-lemon tea tastes delicious and it's good for my sore throat. I slept this afternoon. The body needed it. The break was necessary.
Later I read in my book by Carlisi on energy. To use the bandhas enables to keep the energy inside. Bandhas, breathing and dristis support the endeavour to live NOW. Bandhas can be used during "normal life" as well and not only on the mat. It helps to keep the energy. But it is not necessary to use them all the time. Sigh. Yoga on and off the mat, that's it. Right now I'm sweating and I enjoy it that I have to take a break.
Yesterday before going to bed I checked my emails and the news: The company I'm working for will relocate jobs to Poland. Polish employees are cheaper, redundant to say this. Of course it must be the goal of every companies to make as much profit as possible. Otherwise they will go broke, because they won't be competitive anymore. It's a law. More than ever it must be seen that we live in one world. Companies, employees do not compete only with comanies and employees in Europe. The Chineese employee is perhaps more educated, more diligent and cheaper. How can I prepare myself for the situation when we are really a world market?
I had to start cleaning my rooms today, before practicing Ashtanga. It was too awful here. At least my basic places must be clean: the bed, the sink, the wash basin, the sofa and the floors. Cleaning can be meditating and symbolic: To throw out what is not needed, to dedust in order to see clearly is good for the house and for life in general.
Chaturanga dandasana: I'm proud that I can do this. My arms were always rather weak, but I got muscles and now I am able to do these push ups. Lately my hips were too close to the floor, when I lowered the body. Now I pay attention that my body is straight. Many Ashtangis stop close to the floor, but I think the upper arms are supposed to be in line with the back.
Ah, the washing machine is peeping, I must hang up the wet clothes to dry them.
B. draw my attention to my feet in that pose. They shouldn't fall apart. OK with this montain shoes nothing can be seen. But something else can be seen. It has something to do with the dristi. When I push up my body, I also look up and I wrinkle my front and that's not the intention of the pose (and not good for the beauty at my age, too.) Dristi is the nose and then the face can relax. It's difficult to give up that bad habit.
When I do this pose I focus on opening the chest. This pose is one of the few backbending of the first series, so rather important.
The hands: To spread the finger, not to forget the thumb is the next important issue in order to have the right tension in the whole body.
I discovered again basic poses, they are often more difficult as thought.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Must I really always do a yoga pose? It seems so.
Click on the picture to enlarge it, if you like.
I wrote my morning pages and meditated. To sit was so good. I could relax and focus on the breath. No effort was necassary, sitting happened naturally.
Somehow my body felt weak this morning: My throat was sore, my joints were thick and hurt and my back hurt again, too. No, I don't want to turn my yoga blog into an illness blog. I mention this indisposition, because it seems to be part of life.
I did a few surya namaskara a's this morning. I had no more time and I also liked to give my body a break. Psychologically it is always important for me to role out the mat and to do at least one or two asanas. And that's what I did. Weekend is coming and there will be time for more.
Picture: It is taken at the Kampenwand, there was still snow there.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Later on the afternoon we visited some friends, who live close to the Chiemsee. Again a day is over (much too fast). I have to go to bed.
Right now the impulse came up to do something: Journaling first. Shall I write down a few resolutions for the coming year? To improve my English grammer could be such a resolution. The idea pleases me.).