Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I will have to work like hell today.
Then Mysore class this evening of course. Why should I do something else. I will love it to practice at the end of an exhausting day.
At 9 p.m. we (E., his mother and me and I hope that B. will come) have a reservation at an Afghan restaurant. There is no need to go to bed early. Tomorrow is a day off: labor day.
Meditation was great today. I appreciate it that I have found time only for myself, every day. It's pure luxury. There is no time for yoga today, because I have to finish this birthday cake. I hang forward a bit. That was it.
Oh, I feel so young. :)
You are not filled with straw, you are filled with your own awareness. You are not filled with furniture, cars, houses, money, and other nonsense. You are just filled with your being, the sheer am-ness, the sheer existence.
What a wonderful message for the day.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
But when I read the banner headlines I feel at once worse because of my complaining (or do I feel better?) I don't know it: A woman was put into a cave when she was 11 years old. She was misused by her father. During these 23 years in that cave she has born 7 children. That's awful. Not my life. My luxury life.
This morning I wanted to bake a cake, now I think I have to bake a cake for tomorrow, for my colleagues. At least I have the ingredients at home. Perhaps I should only relax a bit and then.............then the "I want" will return?
My bf wants me to buy a book via Ebay at 8:36 p.m.. I will do it. I'm so busy. I have no time to think about my age.
I'm enjoying the birthday card from friends that arrived today. A tiger skin is on it. On the back side of the card is written: the birthday card is vegan. :) Hahaha. Luck, health, success, and prosperity they wish me. The greatest gift is that I know these people for decades. During all these ups and downs in life we never lost interest in each other. How I love these guys.
Should check Ebay now, should start baking my cake.
I was on my mat again this morning. Of course. My practices are rather slow for the time being. Not many asanas could be done. I came till ushtrasana. I did also urdhva dhanrasana. It's hard in the morning. I tried to jump my feet wider apart for parivritta parsva konasana. I think the shin is supposed to be straight up, 90 degrees to the floor. In order to bring the hips closer to the floor the feet must be wider apart. When I have time I will try this pose on my carpet so that the foot can slide (sticky mats can have also disadvantages sometimes.)
Savasana was incredible difficult. I feel full of energy. The challenge is to direct it: I only say one word: annual accounts.
PS: I found the recipe for the cake. The name of the cake is chocolate cake with rum cream.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The afternoon at the Wörthsee was relaxing. Spring is coming. It was in the air. I could smell it.
I thought of what I like when I practice: the breath.
I intented to practice without ambition, only to do it should be enough. As soon as I had started ambition was there again, but then it was OK.
I needed a lot of breaks, I practiced slowly, asanas were performed concentrated. I was astonishingly rather flexible.
Pasasana: I could hook the fingers.
Laghu vajrasana: Getting up the same way like I went down was difficult. I injured my shoulder, it started hurting. Shit
Kapotasana: The shoulder came again in the right position. Pain disappeared. Sigh.
Bakasana: I tried to straighten the arms and I tried to have the knees closer to the armpits.
Eka pada sirsasana: Could put the leg behind the head.
Pincha mayurasana: I could balance for 2 breaths without touching the wall.
Mayurasana: I visualized it. It's a pose for men and only for men.
Nakrasana: Did it one time - awful pose.
Vatayanasana: Is this a balancing pose? I did it the second or third time in my life.
I did every pose today. Those poses, that I was not able to do, I visualized. :)
Mukta hasta sirsasana: I could do this. I was glad that the wall was close as my feet touched it when I went up. I don't want to fall over. This was my last pose of the second series.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I did it, but I couldn't walk the hands to the feet. Nevertheless I was content because I got over the reluctance to do it.
I'm so happy that I practiced. I can see some progress and this is always a reason for joy.
It's sunny outside. Time for a Sunday afternoon excursion.
I meditated, I was with myself on my mat, focusing on my incoming and outgoing breath, only my own thoughts distracted me (a bit).
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Contradictions: I want to wake up, I want to be conscious , but what do I do when out. I order a glass of Merlot. I know very well what alcohol does to the body and the mind. May my body apologize my sinful behaviour. May I not be punished with stiffness tomorrow morning.
Time to go to bed.
Oh many things happened: I discovered men during this decade and the pleasures that come with them. I discovered sex. That was great. I thought I have found my calling.
At the age of 18 (I was still in school) I moved to my own flat. I wanted to be free, independant. I had money to pay the rent, because I had worked in a factory during vacation.
I wanted to finish school and I did it. Then I moved to Berlin (it was still before the reunification)to study sociology.
These events represent an attitude towards life, that I had during these years: I was sooo curious, I wanted to experience everything and I was courageous enough to live what I wanted to experience. I wanted to be free, independant.
(My mother had already me in her second decade. :))
But wait......the third decade is coming ......next weekend.
Consciously I ask myself now if this was all necessary? It was.
(Was this meditation this afternoon?)
It would have been a shame if I had missed this wonderful practice.
What allowed me to step on the mat?
I told myself today: "You like it to breathe, so be on your mat and breathe."
After the surya a's I needed a break and after the surya b's, too. Then I could stay, focus was possible then. I explored the asanas.The time that I spent doing each asana also allowed me to go deeply into the asanas. I could hold my wrist in mari c and d.
It was very helpful that I had watched these youtube movies. To see how other yogis/yoginis jump through helped me to try to copy it. I have a clue now how it could be done.
All sorts of feeling came up today: Satisfaction when a pose was done well, desperation, when not being able to do a perfect tittibasana i.e. Hope was felt, too. But also today I had not the courage to drop back into urdhva dhanurasana. Oh mei - all these boring and known thinking and feeling patterns.
Oh, it was a very satisfying practice. I had a wonderful time with myself.
After my yoga practice I chanted "aum" several times. I felt vibrations inside my body, it was as if my body became an instrument.
I added alternate nostril breathing. This made me wake up (even more). I couldn't get enough of all the spiritual techniques today.
I'm hungry now, but I have only a banana at home. It's not that much.
Oh, I don't forget it: Meditation can be everything. Awareness is the key.
But isn't it the mind, who has the ability to observe???????
I meditated. I observed the breath, the upcoming thoughts. Breath was deep, even hearable. I became the observer. After the 15 minites, I bowed forward three times, I observed the breath, I stretched my legs and looked at them, I observed myself looking at my feet, breathing, ...........
Meditation goes on away from the cushion.............
This post is inspired by Carlisi,
I want to finish this post with the email I got from the Osho community today:
Awareness is Meditation
Remember one thing: meditation means awareness. Whatsoever you do with awareness is meditation. Action is not the question, but the quality that you bring to your action.
Walking can be a meditation if you walk alertly. Sitting can be a meditation if you sit alertly. Listening to the birds can be a meditation if you listen with awareness. Just listening to the inner noise of your mind can be a meditation if you remain alert and watchful.
The whole point is: one should not move in sleep. Then whatsoever you do is meditation.
Friday, April 25, 2008
After his life story, I went directly to the Ashtanga chapter. (I'm not interested in Ayuveda).
He quotes the sutras of Patanjaly :
1. Do yoga now. (now, now, now, not tomorrow)
2. Yoga has the ability to quite the mind. (but it can also be pure physical exerxise, an ego trip)
Carlisi speaks about awareness. What else shall I write - I hold in hand a very interesting book.
Today I intented to write that a home practice is never as intensive as a practice in a Mysore class. But this wasn't true for today. I was very focused, the breath was deep and accompanied me through the practice. The poses were held rather long. There was not enough time for everything. I know, I know I repeat myself all the time. I did urdhva dhanurasana with the attitude to like everything what is possible. To do it is important. I had a wonderful practice. Body was perfect today, strong, flexible.
Meditation was great, too. My body didn't interfere. After the 15 min I bowed forward as usual. Front touched the floor. I stretched my legs then. Afterwards I felt the pinholes in the legs. I waited till it was over. Thoughts came and burst like soap bubbles.
I will have a lot of work today. I need a lot of energy and focus today. I have to meet several deadlines. Buh.
It's raining here, bf won't be at home this night, he will play soccer in N.. It's a perfect time to go to the sauna after work, perhaps the last time this year before summer time. To finish an exhausting week and exhausting day sweating naked with other people who want to relax is a wonderful end of a Friday.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Oh, the Gods gave me a lot of energy. They must love me somehow.
I know that daily routines are better than marathon cleaning. So I put clothes into the washing machine, I cleaned the kitchen floor, I washed the dishes. I still have to take the clothes out of the washing machine, but this was it for today. I will stop. Everything has a beginning and an end.
Today I took only one painkiller, but I feel it, I need another one. What helped me to forget my back was the book "The only way out is in" by Anthony Prem Carlisi. His life story is honest and exciting. It describes the Zeitgeist of the 70s so far. It's about life and spirituality. I want to go on reading this evening.
I deserve a hot tea and some mental food, a good book, live stories, someone likes to share with the world and with me.
This morning I got up on time - ten to five. I meditated and I practiced Ashtang yoga. It felt good. To move the body is always good, I think. Blood and oxygen is transported to the muscles. There is a chance that the body gets into the right alignment again. I felt well during my practice. Nothing hurt.
Good was the cold shower later.
I know now that I won't be able to stand the pain without my painkillers during the working day. I feel already how the pain is coming back.
Thankful I was this morning that I was able to practice.
Pain is part of life, I think. How do yogis relate to it. OK, firstly yoginis have done healthy life-style decisions. They move their bodies, they eat healthy at least. What helps is to be able to shift the focus away from the pain to the breath i.e.. That's what I'm learning during meditation and yoga practice. So far my ability to focus cannot compete with the pharmaceutical industry. :(
And at the end of the post too secrets:
- I'm back to my morning coffee. It helps me to wake up. Oh, no.
- I do not know all the asanas of the first series by sanskrit name. Oh, no.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Perhpas it was the painkiller, perhpas it was Tracy's healing power, whatever it was, I stepped on my mat this evening (Mysore class) and I felt good. I thought: where is the pain? It was like a miracle, I was absolutely painfree.
I had a wonderful practice. My body was soft. With the help of B. I dropped back into urdhva dhanurasana. One day it will happen. B. does not give up, so I do not give up either.
How I love these Mysore classes.
Time to go to bed. I hope I will stay painfree this night, but I do not trust the peace.
A really mature person cannot be serious, there is nothing to be serious about. The whole of life is fun, it is a play, a play of consciousness. And that's what meditation reveals to you - that the whole of life is a beautiful play of energy. The same energy is in the trees, in the stars, in the rivers, in the mountains, in you, in animals. It is the same energy dancing in different forms. We in the East have called it 'leela'. Leela means god's play.
The absolute highlight of my first decade was that I learned to read. It was my greatest wish to know how to read and it's a pleassure for me till now.
I encountered my first love: our dog Basko. My heart broke when we gave this beautiful dog away after a few months only. I'm still sad when I think about it. I know I made an oath, but what exactly it was I cannot remember anymore. I probably swear not to eat animals, but to love them forever.
Greatest challenge: probably the parents.
During the first decade of my life I lived in a little village on the countryside. I discovered the beauty of the nature.
In the morning when my alarm clock rang, I was knocked out. I stayed a bit longer in bed. I had still time for my morning pages and for meditation. Meditation was very relaxing today. I was not impatient at all.
Pain is there right now. Was it that I carried these heavy files with my left hand only or was it the air-condition that caused the pain. I ask me this. Yesterday I had to switch off the aircondition in my office space. Cold air came out of two holes in the floor close to my seat. I will take care today, how I take the files out of the filing cabinets. My left body side needs to relax.
I checked if it is possible to do a surya namaskara. Somehow it felt good. I think I will be able to go to the Mysore class today. On my way to the office I will stop at a pharmacy to buy some more painkillers. In case of pain I will take it. I want to practice (with or without painkillers).
Touching my back doesn't hurt at all, but to turn the head to the right side hurts, to sit quit hurts.
This back pain drives me crazy. I hope that the worst time is already over. I'm very healthy, but pain seems to be part of life in general.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I blame the air-condition at work for it. I can scarcly move. Is that painful. I will shower, take a pill and then I will go to bed. And tomorrow is Mysore class. I will take painkillers, I won't skip it.
Nevertheless I practiced - moderate. Now I think my shoulder is slightly better, but pain is still there. Pain is part of life. It tells us to take care of ourselves.
Today was not the day where I was searching each and every limit. To do some asanas was enough and satisfying. Ushtrasana was my last pose before the closing sequence.
My schedule for today is overloaded. What can I say. That's how life is. :)
Monday, April 21, 2008
I will go to bed early, I want to have a good Ashtanga practice tomorrow morning. I need it more than ever.
It was so much work today again. It's endless, but I won't complain.
Somehow the surya namaskaras improve. I try to find the edges. Upward facing dog feels so much better, I even think that I can pull my shoulders a bit back.
Before doing urdhva dhanurasana I visualized it. It was difficult this morning, but I lifted myself up three times, I tried to stretch the legs. Done.
This morning my shoulders hurt, but now I feel better. Is yoga a remedy for everything?
"Why do you not want to go to work", my bf asked me yesterday.
Why, why. Because I feel so much pressure. I know enough methods to reduce the stress, but it comes back all the time. I try to be in the moment. I try to do everything to have enough energy (yoga, enough sleep, healthy food and so forth). But the pressure is there. How shall I accomplish these difficult tasks in the given time? I don't see that I will be able to do it. Nevertheless I had a wonderful weekend with E. I'm recovered and I'm even optimistic now.
I will exercise awareness. I will be aware of my breath and I will enjoy what is. I know that knowing what being relaxed is, is only possible when I also know what pressure is.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
To hold my body in the air when I jumped forward and backward was the goal. It didn't happen, but when I want to learn to jump through, this could be a good exercise. Bakasana is a good preparation, too. Consciously I balanced, but I couldn't lift up the knees. Strength is necessary, strength that I do not have yet.
Even though I did a lot of backbending, urdhva dhanurasana was rather weak today. It was already almost the end of my long practice and I felt exhausted.
Rereading my post so far I have the impression, that I'm rather critical. Fact is I'm rather optimistic. I see slow progress.
This morning I showed E. my arm muscles. He was impressed, he had to laugh. Me, too.
A Sunday excursion is on the schedule. The sun is shining.
.....but the mind was creating blog titles (Me, a doll of the Gods), the mind was having sex, the mind was performing a perfect vinyasa (jumping through without touching the floor), the mind was fed up with the job, the mind was even in India. The mind happily jumped around, the mind amused itself away from the cushion, difficult to tame.
Mind I'm asking you: What can be more interesting than the incoming and outgoing breath while I sit on my cushion?
I see, you do not understand yet.
This is important. Very important.
The whole life is a movie. And I'm a puppet. But sometimes I discover something inside myself that we usually call humor. I appreciate this. I am amused. I will stay amused and I will sleep well this night, because my sleep is holy.
I had a story for E. this evening:
A man went to a guru: "Please my dear guru", the man said, "please help me, I cannot sleep." The Guru: "I'm so sorry, but I cannot help you. but I know someone two blocks away and he can help you."
The Guru gave the sleepless man the address.
After a few weeks the man returned to the house of the Guru. "I wanted to thank you", the man said to the guru. "The guru a few blocks away could help me and now I sleep very well.
The Guru: "Oh, that's wonderful. When you want to wake up now, then you can come to me."
Saturday, April 19, 2008
I participated at the first part out of four.
A scientific approach: At first Michael demonstrated the correct alignment of the hips in different poses, trikonasana i.e. I know - trikonasana is one of the most challenging poses. But he also drew the attention to some "details", like the toes. Often we forget to relax them.
I cannot hear it often enough how important the breath is. In Ashtanga yoga the breath is in alignment with the movements, that's the speciality. We spoke also about the bandhas of course.
When the eyes wonder around, the mind is likely to wonder around too. To gaze the eyes at a certain point helps to calm down the mind. To keep the eyes steady also helps to balance. Dristis, dristis, dristis, I know I neglect them. Could be a focus during my next practices. Will I be less distracted then?????
And then we practiced. In the first part of the workshop we did the standing poses and the closing sequence. I realized at the end, when I was in savasana how intensive my practice was. My blood was running through my body.
To jump through: I got very helpful hints. M. showed us how to exercise to jump through. He devided the movement in different steps. At first we tried to lift up the body with crossed legs. Important is that the thighs go as far as possible to the chest. The toes shall show forward, otherwise it is difficult to move them through the arms. Then we went on our knees and lifted the body up, arms were straight and then we jumped back. Difficult yes, but I think this was the part, which was missing. When I bring these 2 steps together it should be possible to jump through. I want to repeat it right now. Let's see what can be done.
Oh and before I forget it. Michael is a very handsome guy with a very slim body (bones and skin) and a beautiful mouth. His half-long hair was falling into his face from time to time. It was a pleassure to see him, it was a pleassure to listen and learn from him.
A great workshop. I regret it that I haven't booked the second part, too. But on the other hand 3 intensive hours were enough for me.
And tomorrow I belong to my boyfriend, it's his birthday, I will not leave him alone on such a day. Worse enough that my birthday present will arrive on Monday.
Many thoughts and feelings came up this morning (exhaustion due to my 9 to 6 job, insecurities, if I will be able to start something new, and so on). I wanted to find the way to my cushion.
My morning routine was not like during the week. This makes it usually a challenge to start with my exercises. I slept longer, then I started cleaning my rooms. Hunger was felt and I had breakfast. But then I sat 15 min, meditating and I do not regret it at all.
Oh yeah, I'm fed up with my job, but I don't want to focus on that. Even on a rainy Saturday morning this is on my mind. It's more important now that I am self-disciplined in order to trust myself that I wil be able to work on my own without the pressure that comes with a job as an employee.
Ashtanga yoga is important to me and meditation, too - I do it daily.
Money is important - I have to start thinking of it, doing something with it on a daily basis, too.
I have to, I have to, I have to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to.
Time for meditation? Not yet. I want to clean my rooms. I have so much energy. On my desk is a mirror. I see my face and think, oh how beautiful I am. Oh, how narcistic I am.
Friday, April 18, 2008
In accounting the goals are clear - the annual accounts have to be done on time. Tax declaration have to be made on time. Deadlines are official, set by the German tax office. It's nothing to discuss.
In sales goals can be discussed. Most of the time the employees want to have lower goals, less turnover. Then there can be a chance to meet the goals or to exceed them, which means a bonus in most cases.
In marketing goals must be defined and it's rather difficult to meassure it.
People in the company I work for have too much to do. They do not take vacation, they work very long every day. And then it was mentioned to take vacation can be a goal. I'm exhausted. My job cannot be done within the given time.
And now it's Friday evening and I'm bored to write about this stupid workshop and this exhausting job. It was a waste of time. I will stop writing about it right now.
I searched my book by Allen this morning: Getting things done. I will go through it again. Let's see what I can apply. This is constructive and not a waste of time.
I called my bf, who is in Spain now: Darling, I'm sad. Your book (on electronics, his birthday present) won't be delivered on time.
He: Oh, it doesn't matter.
Oh, I'm so glad, that he takes such things so easy.
Finally I sat on my cushion and I meditated. The workshop on goals was on my mind, my upcoming birthday party was on my mind, my stressfull job and some other topics. I returned to my breath all the time. It was as if I switched channels. Me, the observer, I thought. There is nothing to fear, there is no stress, it's all a game of energies.
Time for yoga was limited. I gave me the same advice that I give to others: Do some suryas and a few asanas. It's always better than nothing. A few standing poses were still possible. Salamba sarvangasana and halasana were rather weak at the end. No, I didn't omit savasana. It was a quick and dirty practice this morning, but at least a practice, something for the body.
This morning we will have a workshop on goals at the job. It was perhaps not such a good idea to enroll at the same workshop like our boss. But now it's too late.
(I will leave my book "Do it tomorrow" at home. Humor is not a strength of most of my colleagues and my reputation is perhaps not the best either.)
Will the show be exciting today or boring?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
B. invited me to a show at the Meridian. They offered us the latest creation in food. The red wine was good, too. The service was perfect. The presentation of the hotel was over the top, for a minority of the world. I loved it to meet B., my friend. She convinced me. She will come, when I celebrate my birthday at the end of the month. I'm shy sometimes. But she likes to come and I decided this evening that I will organize a brunch.
Pashasanas: fingertips could touch each other.
Urdhva dhanurasana: Three times I lifted my body up. I couldn't hold the pose very long. It was the early morning and in the early morning some activities are more demanding.
Backbendings are a challenge. In Ashtanga yoga there will be always challenges. It's part of the system. It keeps the mind busy.
There was no time for every pose of the second series. Time is limited and everything must have an end. The end of my yoga practice has come when I am in savasana. The end of the end has come when my yoga mat is rolled up and beside the sofa.
Lately I thought a lot about the end of anything (even about the death). How to start something is an important question. I start my yoga practice without thinking a lot. This turned out to be very helpful for me. The end has come when savasana is over. To sit down and to appreciate what was possible, could be a wonderful conscious end. How I like this exercise.
Work life: I will relocate within the company today. We will be three who will share an office space and no more 4. I will have to carry all my files to the new space. I will practice awareness.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I'm again very motivated. But I think I motivate others as well. One yogini told me this today. "You are my inspiration," she said. Nice compliment.
Back to the here and now: Inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I wanted to do some chores, but I'm lazy. I must admit it.
I wanted to write about goals. But I'm lazy. So lazy.
Wanted coffee this morning. It was OK. But it was not OK, that I dreamed my time away when I was sitting on my sofa. I enjoyed my clean rooms and that I was so consequent yesterday to do some chores, but I couldn't find the way to my cushion in order to meditate. What a waste of time.
Finally I did a few surya namaskara a's. Body was soft. It would have been a perfact practice. How I regret it, that I didn't practice, but now it's too late - a missed opportunity, not more, not less.
Picture: A well in Prague
Monday, April 14, 2008
1 morning page, 15 min meditation, waking up bf, breakfast, staccato, staccato, quick, quick.
I gave me 7 hours of sleep, so time is limited.
I had time to step back while being in Prague; I looked on my busy life: Companies know how much time people have available and they want it all. Officially they tell you that there is a 39 hours week, but they give you so much work that it cannot be done within that time. Of course I feel quilty because I'm not fast enough to do all the tasks within that time. I work longer, it's not necessary to ask me. Companies are greedy. All my attempts to focus, to do difficult tasks first, to organise myself better are pure cosmetic. Big companies want all my time that is available. I'm not willing to spend all my time at a company. I want to have time for yoga, meditation, writing. So the conflict and time pressure won't dissappear. Either I find a job with really less hours, which will be badly paid. Nothing for me. Or I find a more revolutionary solution. Less work, more money. I HAVE to focus on that.
And I wanted to tell one thing after the other, i.e. that I had a knife in my handbag, my little Swiss knife. I had forgotten that I had put it into my handbag a while ago. The security control found it. I had to give it to them of course. They send it back to me. That was the beginning of my trip.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Let me fly through the weekend, like an angle looking for distraction.
I went to bed again and dreamed that I was on my way to the office, when I realized that I had put on the wrong clothes (a summer tank top). I returned to my home, changed clothes and went again to the office. On my way I realized that my pair of trousers were dirty, I had written calculations on it. It was impossible to go to work with that pair of trousers. I returned home again. Time was thight, I would be too late. I felt time pressure. It was an awful dream, but at least I'm no more so tired now.
Time is getting tight in real life, too. I must hurry up.
Yoga is a life style: early to bed, early up (translate: enough sleep), not too much food, best is no alcoholic beverages at all. That's it.
The party was great yesterday, but I'd peferred to have an intensive yoga practice this morning. It's over. Today is another party, a good-bye party of a colleague (a very nice one). And tomorrow at that time I will be in Prague already. That's yoga deprivation.
Let's go to work with decent clothes now.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The party was great. Presentations were lively, food, drinks, serice, music, everything was perfect. But I'm out of the game. I wished to go home as soon as possible, I had my morning practice in mind. It's late now, I know it too well. Let's see what I can do tomorrow.
Early in the morning, it was 5:45 a.m. I found myself on my mat. I knew I wouldn't be as flexible as yesterday. I was prepared. Slowly I practiced. No ambition, no discontentment. Asana after asana were performed. Intensity was felt, but the body was stiff. The more it needed the stretching.
Urdhva dhanurasana was very bad today.
Pincha mayurasana was great. It was the first time that I was able to go up (without touching the wall), to stay in that pose for a couple of breath and to go down then. The wardrabe was there as a psychological support. This pose is improving.
What else: Today is a party, organized by the company. It takes place in the VIP area of the huge and famous soccer stadium here. Oh. It starts at 2:30 p.m. till midnight. Infos, food, games, music are on the schedule. (My work will wait on my desk. The party means more stress, because "important" work cannot be done. On the other hand, what is more important than a good party? I'm looking forward to it.)
Oh, a huge monster is in my bed. My boyfriend is back. :)
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
But more important things happened at the Mysore class: I did UD (or urdhva dhanurasana) (almost) on my own. B. still held me a bit. I also do not underestimate the psychological factor when she helps me. Nevertheless I made a huge step forward today. I felt the speed when I dropped down. And I could hold myself (almost alone). I got confidence that I will make it on my own soon.
I'm covinced that it is important to establish a self practice. As good as it is to be alone on the mat, I would have never learned urdhva dhanurasana without a teacher. Never. I'm very thankful that B. is here in Munich. She is a very good teacher.
I feel so good that it is a shame that I have to go to bed (within the next 30 min).
I could stay awake the entire night.
Then I rolled out my mat. Still tired. "Do a few surya namaskaras," I thought. "That will be fine and then go to bed again. Sleep. " But after the suryas the body remained on the mat. I observed how it did padanghustasana, then trikonasana. It was as if my body had developped a life of its own. "I need it", it told me. It made me smile. My body went on and on without asking me. It was nice. No, it was not one of my best practices. Urdhva dhanurasana was even bad. Of course I feel great now.
When I sat in padmasana, a little black bird flew to my balcony. It drank this dirty water from the flower box. It laid back the little head and let role down the water as if it was the best wine of the world. This little bird enjoys this dirty water. It tells me: Enjoy your day, too.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Ha, I have nothing to say today. That's something rarely happens.
Early to bed, early up, that's what I will do.
Tomorrow is my yoga day, self-practice in the morning, Mysore class in the evening. I want to be awake for both practices.
The body was so stiff today. Doing my first surya namaskara, my finger tips could scarcly touch the floor. In the end of the practice I was again able to put my flat hands on the floor. Sigh. When I realized that I was so stiff, I knew which attitude I needed. No ambition, just doing it.
I practiced only till parsva dhanurasana. I didn't sweat, I felt cold till the end. But I was on my mat and I practiced. This fulfills me with a certain satisfaction.
I'm very curious how my practice will be tomorrow.
Oh, the sun is shining. Weather reports promised that it would be warmer today. But the weather forcasts are like my practices. You can never be sure how it will be.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Oh, I got furious. How ruthless to call people Sunday night at almost midnight. I couldn't fall easily asleep afterwards. So I had an almost sleepless night. No, I didn't spend a lot of emotions on this awful man, nevertheless it was difficult for me to sleep again.
In the morning I had difficulties to get up. It was 6 a.m. when my legs had found the way out of my warm bed. I wrote my morning pages and I wantd to visualize myself practicing a perfect urdhva dhanurasana. It's a bit difficult to imagine myself with 54, but the age is not important. Only the first part of the recommended meditation (doing UD easily), could be done today.
After meditation I ran back to my bed. I had time for another 30 min of sleep.
Yesterday I asked myself where I see the problems when doing urdhva dhanurasana.
Firstly it's that I think that I cannot arch my back enough. To arch the back more means to exercise it.
Secondly it's fear. To conquer fear visualization is surely a good remedy. I will do it.
Very nice visualization suggestion that I found this morning in my inbox from anonymous.
I'm so tired and it's late already. I must hurry.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Nevertheless I enjoyed the asanas and the flexibility of my body. Music played in the background while I did the asanas. And I needed so many breaks. Who cares. Fingers touched in pashasana. :) How nice.
Only urdhva dhanurasana frustrated me. "I will never be able to drop back", I thought today. I tried it, but fear to fall on the head was much greater than the courage and my ambition.
It's over now.
What comes next??????
My book was with me "Eros" by Helmut Krausser. It is about love (what else), unfulfilled love (what else). A journalist was supposed to write down the story of a rich Bavarian entrepreneur. The Bavarian fell deathlessly in love with a young girl while being in a bunker. The story started during the second world war and ended in the 80s. Background is the German history during these years. The great love became a terrorist, flew later in the DDR. The Bavarian had her observed during all the years, helped here secretly with money and other services from time to time. Finally he even helped her to flee out of the DDR in the trunk. A lot of money was spent in these activities. The best friend of the Bavarian, who was hired to observe this woman was in love with her, too. During all the years no other woman could substitue the great love. The Bavarian had an affair with a secretary, which served more or less as a drug to heal the unfulfilled love. There were prostitutes, too. But the life of this man was dedicated to this woman. Two kisses happened, the one happened in the beginning of the story. She wanted 50 Mark for it. The next kiss happened when they arrived in West-Germany after the escape. Decades lied between these kisses.
What a waste of time I thought. Attachment, attachment. (Of course it makes me think of my own life. Am I as extreme as this man? I don't think so. But I am loosing so much time, too, because I cling to past stories. How often do I live in the here and now, I wonder?)
I read the whole evening. I wanted to stay up till midnight, I also couldn't stop reading. Today my brother has his birthday. I wanted to wait till midnight to send him some thoughts. We lost contact. Whyever. But how can I forget his birthday.
"Hope you are happy", I thought after midnight and continued reading the love story.
After 1 a.m. I went to bed. So I know me. Actually I'm a night person. To go to bed at 3 a.m. or even later was familiar to me. Yoga makes me get up early in the morning, to be able to do so I go to bed early, too.
This morning I got up, made the bed, put on some comfortable clothes and continued to read. I finished the book. I was obsessed by the story like this Bavarian was obessed by this woman.
Hunger. After having finished the book I finally found time to feel hunger. I put on a large pair of trousers over my yoga clothes. Unwashed, uncombed as I was I went to the bakery round the corner. I bought a croissant and a Brötchen. I feel full now. The third cup of coffee is next to me.
The abyss is always there, on the right side and on the lift side of the small bridge where I walk through life.
Once the phone rang. I knew that it would be E. and so was it.
"Do you like it, that I call you?" he asked me. He is in Israel now. This question was not asked out of insecurity, it was more a rhetoric question. Of course he knows it that I love it to get phone calls from all parts of this world.
We exchanged infos about the weather. In Israel it's 35 degree Celsius, rather hot. Here it is rainy.
I told him how I had spent the morning (I always talk too much), I told him about the novel that I was reading and that I haven't done yoga so far.
"Darling, how is the yoga called, that I'm doing?", I asked him.
Me:"You do not know it?"
He: "If you say the name I will remember it."
I didn't say that I do Ashtanga yoga.
At the end of the phone call he said "I like you". There is not a single day where he does not say it to me. I appreciate this very much. I answered with a loud kiss through the phone. Sometimes I say "I kiss you". But today he got a loud hearty kiss as an answer.
After the phone call I lied on my bed and laughed loudly. He does not know that I do Ashtanga yoga. This pleased me. Somehow that gave me the feeling of being free.
Ashtanga time now? Yeeeeeees.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
I studied the poses today. I had no hurry at all. Consciously I relaxed, used the bandhas, breathed deeply. Every time when I had to do a vinyasa I tried to jump through without touching the floor with my feet. OK, twice or three times I cursed, because it was so exhausting, but I didn't give up. Again I tried it and again.
Focus was upward facing dog. It served as a preparation for urdhva dhanurasana. I was too afraid to drop down. I tried it after the standing poses the first time. I thought that I'm still stronger also mentally than at the end of the series. But no way. I was too afraid. I used the wardrobe as a brake. I dropped back a bit, but the wardrobe stopped me too early. Perhaps it is an idea to make the distance to the wardrobe larger and larger and one day I won't reach the wardrobe anymore with my hands. I will try this, but not now. Nothing is possible anymore.
Ubbaya Padangusthasana: I was able to come up from halasana without bending the legs. Bandhas and breath help to do it that way. Oh, I was proud of myself.
Sirsasana: I tried to go up with straight legs. I almost fell.
Oh it was a very ambitious practice, a highlight.
Other highlights will follow this month:
Next weekend I will fly to Prague with E..
An Ashtanga workshop with Michael Hamilton from Portland.
My boyfriend will have his birthday.
I will have birthday, too. :)
Friday, April 04, 2008
I had time for meditation. It's my reminder to live conscioulsy, it's my reminder to observe what is and to be amused, knowing that all is a game.
A few suryas were executed. That's all. I regret this. It's not enough to satisfy me. A few suryas, what's that? Nothing. Perhaps I can do something for my body in the evening.
Something else occupies me: What can I still learn at my job? First let me define the task. We all have too much to do, too much to read, too much interests and so on. How to handle all this? That's the challenge.
My colleague shows me every day how poorly one can organized. The consequences are even more work, more stress. But I'm less interested in my colleague, but in myself.
How am I organized? Can I tell it? What do I know, what do I apply?
Firstly I think it's important to differentiate between different areas of life:
Let's start with the job life:
- To finish things is important
- To do the most important things first (to do lists are fine, but to write a to do list is brainstorming nothing more. The intellectual work starts when the to do list is done. What is important, what must have priority is the question that must follow. 1 important task might be enough)
- What I neglected, but what is important: to write down the things I want or I have to remember. I often had to ask twice because I forgot things.
Important things first. But what is important? Important is something when there is a deadline, when other people are waiting for something. Tasks that do not need so much time can be done first.
(I don't make it easy for the boss to finish my contract: I'm committed, work very long, I'm friendly and in a good mood. Ha.) Btw, in the last week I got two job offers, small ones via email. It told me: Don't be afraid, your job life will go on, we don't let you retire yet. And I don't want to retire, I also cannot do it, because I do not have enough money. It's that banal.
E. is already in the aeroplane on the way to Zürich, Switzerland. When will I see him again? Next week, but when exactly? It's so nice to have internet, what a progress for the world. I'm sure he will write me.
So, last working day of the week, it's doable.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
No I don't tell you that a very old man came in the hot room, he sat down next to this much younger woman. The entire time he was carressing her feet and legs. The three other naked men and me observed them the whole time. Sweating. Then the old man left the hot room. Does he know what women want?
I did only 2 rounds, I didn't like to exxagerate today. What a wonderful place this sauna is.
Damned, must go to bed, would rather read.
Ashtanga yoga in the morning: I was stiff. I thought that I must be a bit masochistic. During practice I got less stiff and with upcoming flexibility, joy was experienced, too. I came only till ushtrasana as I practiced slowly. Breath was uneven again. The only goal was to practice and that's what I did (Sloppy and slow, but I practiced). Superficial to write that I feel great now.
Am I adjusted to the summertime now? This morning I was not so tired (only a bit tired).
I plan to go to the sauna this evening. It's still cold and rainy outside, the weather cannot be better in order to sweat in a hot room called sauna. It's like an invitation.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Tiredness disappeared during the practice.
It's funny, M. was tired too, the entire week. When I read other blogs I read about tiredness and alfia is tired, too (and cold).
Back to the Mysore class: I got wonderful adjustments in urdhva dhanurasana. Time will come and I will have the courage to drop back on my own. Mentally I'm not really strong for the time being. But it will happen that I will drop back on my own and this won't be the day that never comes. I feel it, I get better.
In order not to be tired tomorrow I should go to bed now. This would be the best thing. No reading, no emails, straight to bed, that's it.
It will be again a long day. In the evening I will have Mysore class and I don't want to drop back into urdhva dhanurasana on my own. But this comes all later. Mysore class is the highlight of the day.
What to do against this tiredness? To go to bed earlier is my first thought. I need more sleep. My novel was so interesting yesterday evening (Helmut Krausser - Eros). It was a bit after 10 when I was in bed - reasonable time, but obviously not enough. I need more sleep.
How I wish to be in bed the entire morning.
Plan for today: When at home I will go straight under the shower and then to bed. No discussion about this today.
It's rainy and cold outside. I look at my bed. It's such a nice place there. I have to go to work. I wish to sleep in the afternoon, too. Lack of sleep is awful.