Catchwords, a plan for tomorrow

I write daily several pages in my private journal. At the end of every months I write in another journal some catchwords. That way I have 12 pages for every year. That way my life is rather clearly arranged. Writing this down, I see how important I take myself. Might it be so.

The catchwords of the last month, here they are:

- Two much work in one of the large banks of the world. I even work on weekends.
- I start loving the challenge. In 2 months I will be through the stress of doing the annual accounts of 15 companies. Perhaps that's the reason why I start liking it.
- What else: yoga/meditation and blogging, yoga/meditation and blogging.

- What else: Awareness exercise around the clock. Nothing else and nothing else means also that there is nothing else.

My evening today:
I left the company rather early today. I had enough. I went to the Anna hotel to have dinner there. Nevertheless I was early at home.
When you are tired, take a nap, don't try to push yourself up with food, coffee, or whatever.
I put clothes in the washing machine and then I laid on my bed, I covered myself with a green soft blanket. Half an hour I wanted to sleep. But I slept so deeply, the telephone woke me up after 90 min. It was my bf. He called me from Denmark. I like these phone calls from airports all over the world.
Finally awake again I told myself: Start cleaning like you start stepping on the yoga mat, the evening is not yet over, something can be done. This meant not to think much. Yeah, I started with these overdue tasks. I did the laundry, I washed the dishes. I cleaned the sink, I irond, I vacuumed. Not only baby steps were done, results can be seen already. I'm very glad.

I will go to bed an hour later as usual. I still want to read a bit (Jed McKenna :)). Tomorrow I will go up early in order to do yoga. It will be a stormy weekend here in Germany. I just heard in the news that people should stay at home in the afternoon. But I have a plan. After yoga I will go to the office. I have so much to do. At 2:30 pm I intent to be in a yoga studio. A class for advanced yogis and yoginis is offered. I do not feel advanced at all, but I will go. I don't care.

What is advanced?
It should be possible to do handstand against the wall, I could read online. So being able to do "difficult" asanas is advanced? OK, I agree, it also means that one has put a certain time and energy into it.
Or is someone advanced, who has discovered the imortance of the breath and the bandhas?
Or is someone advanced, who practices alone at home?
I don't know it anymore, I will go - advanced or not.

Did you realize it?

It became a believe system.
The thing with the tea and the coffee.

The tea became the healthy beverage, the coffee the unhealthy beverage.
These both beverages are both perfect and so innocent. They are different, one is milder, one a bit more aggressive, they taste differently.

The mind gave them attributes: good, bad, healthy, unhealthy. And with this judging the sin and the sinner was created. Drinking coffee became a sin.

For years I loved my black morning coffee, it served me very well. The believe system has changed. Now I don't want to wake up fast anymore, with a kick in the stomach, a healthy life style has more priority now.

Poor innocent beverages. Poor me, who can become a sinner every moment.

Shoo, shoo, away with the believe systems. Back to the senses, back to awareness.

Oohhhhhhhh, the tea, so good.

Today is my moon day

I woke up this morning, tired. I must have switched off the alarm clock, but I cannot remember anymore. Half an hour later as usual I got up. Tiredness in the morning means that the sleep wasn't enough. What else.

I prepared my cup of tea with ginger. After a week without coffee I can already say that I do not want to drink coffee anymore. To wake up is now a slower process, but more natural and softer.

It's not necessary to sit in lotus pose in order to meditate, I told me. Make drinking your tea to a meditation. With awareness I drank my hot morning tea.

Leaning back on my sofa, I knew that this was not a day where I would practice Ashtanga yoga. I didn't like to feel remorses either. I didn't practice. Point. I won't judge it.

I can and will make my day to an awareness exercise. It's my moon day today.

The evening

Too late at home. On my way home I tried on some clothes in a shop. It was all too large for my tiny body. Even the shop assistant saw it and she stopped selling me something that didn't fit.

But I had a surprise in my bag. The post office informed me that books arrived. I picked them up at the post station. Yepeeeh. Finally the third book by Jed McKenna arrived. The killing of the ego can go on. I need clear instructions. I got it.

This reminds me what happened during lunch time. I came back from the cantine, when I saw a book stand. A few people sold the Dianetik books. I stopped, I always wanted this book. I made these people remove the plastic of one of the books. Very cool I was when I checked the contents while I was eating chocolate. Rather insolent, even arrogant was my show. The woman who was talking to me was open, smiling honestly, not intrusive, just friendly. She wasn't influenced by my behaviour. I asked for a plastic bag. I didn't want that my colleagues would see that I read books by the scientology church. Of course I bought it. They gave me a plastic bag from a bakery shop here in Munich. I need time to read all this.
Will this help me to get rid of all the redundant stuff that I carry with me?

Jed McKenna first. He is one of the best.
No, shower first, my beloved evening ritual. The here and now awaits me. Ohhhh, what is nicer?

The evening was spent with good food and books - nutruition for the body and the mind.

Each pose a mountain

The intensive practice of yesterday was still in my bones. Till the end of my practice I had to convince myself to do the next pose. The body feeling is difficult to describe. I'm not sore or overstretched. Reluctance is in the cells somehow. I experienced a stiff and difficult practice.

Slowly I practiced. I needed much more than 1 breath to do the next pose. I was glad that I did it. No ambition today, I only wanted to practice. There are always ups and downs, stillstand doesn't exist. Sometimes the valley comes rather fast like today. I'm mentally prepared. It doesn't shatter me anymore. It's like in life - there are good days and bad days, it remains to observe it (and to enjoy it).

I practiced till ustrasana. Then I did pincha mayurasana, I was rather well balanced. Pincha mayurasana was again the highlight today. A short closing sequence followed and finally savasana. Different levels of relaxation were felt. I deserved the last pose. I can let go, and I'm already curious how it will be tomorrow morning.

FANTASTIC

Mysore class was excellent. We were only three today, everybody had enough room for all poses. We were all rather concentrated.

I had a really intensive practice. Full of energy I was.

B. gave me new/old inspirations: my focus for the next time will be again the breath. Inhaling is not as long as exhaling and I'm very sloppy with the breath when I change sides or poses.
B. thinks I can drop back into urdhva dhanrasana, I think I cannot. Each time when I do it with her help I feel that I get better. I intent to work on this pose in the evenings. Bf will be on business trips so I will have the space. Is it really only fear that holds me back to do this pose?

I knew that she would say "yes". After practice I walked with the Japanese woman to the subway. I asked her if she liked to take pictures, when I was doing the series. She liked the idea. I can take pictures of her practice, too. Oh, I think we will have fun this summer.

I feel high, optimistic. It's too sad that I have to go to bed now. But I have to.

A warm-up for this evening?

I got up a little bit too late. The consequence (or decision), no meditation today.

Stiff today. The pain that is felt when I went to my limits was not a sweet pain today, it was awful. I struggled. I went on. I struggled. I didn't give up. I deserved savasana at the end.

(I must go to a beginners class, to see that my yoga is not so bad, even on bad days it's OK.)

I look around and I can scarcly believe how I live. I must eliminate this chaos. I'm so glad that I cannot post pictures for the time being. The pictures of my home would shock the world. :)

Mysore class this evening. The highlight of the week, I'm looking forward to it.

Humor, I can laugh about all this now. I'm relaxed. Perhaps, because I practiced?
All these things, that I write are so unimportant and I take everything so important.
In fact, nothing is important, not even my job, not even my yoga, not even my chaos here, nothing.

Not much to report

I worked, I did what was possible, but the day has not enough hours for all the stuff I have to do. After work I went to a bar to have dinner there. The vegetarian spring roles and the Asian noodles with mango sauce were great. I had a little glas of Shiraz from South Africa with it. Yeah money can buy this.

After dinner I went home. As soon as I'm at home I change clothes. Business clothes on the hanger, comfortable clothes on my body. At home I sit most of the time on the floor, when I sit on the sofa or on a chair like now, I sit there with crossed legs.

No cleaning today, too lazy, really I'm too lazy or tired? I consider to post an add at the university: need cleaning help. I can imagine to clean my home with someone. It's motivating to clean together and more can be done in shorter time. The idea pleases me. But when I look around, I see that most things can only be done by one person: me.

To make more money in less time: I have to work on that. I'm not a horse, but for the time being I feel like one - a working horse.

Not tired, I practiced

Oh yes, the first surya namaskaras were difficult. The beginning was crucial. I went on and then I had focus, concentration, flow. What I first wanted to call an average practice was perhaps much better, because of the focused energy. The poses were difficult today. So what.

I've probably lost all my pictures from my trips all over the world, because the hard disc of my PC broke. But the software in my mind is still playing the same CD: "Kaptoasana, you are too old for this pose and urdhva dhanurasana will not happen either. It's too difficult." I didn't give these thoughts too much meaning at least. I went on with my practice, I returned to the breath. Focus and concentration was experienced again.

Savasana at the end: I feel that this pose is important to me. After the practice it's easier to stay quite and to observe the breath. A nice pose. I like simplicity. To lay on the floor and to observe the breath, to relax, it cannot be simplier. Really?

Meditation: I was really entertained. This made it easy to sit 15 min. Thoughts came and they also disappeared. Feelings as well.

I'm prepared for my working day now. Inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling, with awarness of course. My job - an awareness exercise - this pleases me.

Alone at home

The day was long. Sitting here on my chair I remember how it started. I arrived on my desk and soon after the phone rang. It was E. He had lost the keys somewhere in our home. I knew it, but exactly when I left the home I had forgotten it. So I locked the door. And that's what he told me on the phone, that he couldn't go out. I had to return to my home to open him the door. In the meanwhile he had found the keys somewhere in a corner. I went back to work.

It was so nice to be outside at a time, I usual sit on my desk. It was motivating to work on my plans.

At 7 I left the company. It was a satisfying day. I also appreciate the kindness of one of the colleagues. He gives me information he thinks I could need. That's very nice. This morning he came to my desk. He shared his cake with me. What a gesture. He added that he thinks that I could need a cake as I'm so thin. It's true I'm very thin now. Of course we say "Sie" and Ms W. and Mr. XY to each other and not "you". I like it to be a bit formal.

And my bf is in N now. He had already left a message on my answering machine. I won't see him for the next 14 days. Perhaps we manage it to meet in Rome in 14 days. This would be great.

Consciously I'm drinking my cup of tea. Consciously I will shower now. It's time.

Tired

I didn't sleep well this night. I woke up from time to time.
In the morning I wrote my morning pages, I sat for 15 min in lotus pose (meditation), I did 5 suryas and then I went straight back to my bed. And there I wished I could stay the next few hours. Tired.
To be tired is awful. How I miss the black coffee. No, I won't drink this poison anymore.

How will I manage it to go through the day? I don't know it.

Major catastrophe

My harddisc of my PC broke. E. gave me a substitute PC. I'm not sure how long I can use this PC. I need another solution. Oh, no, this technique makes me crazy. At least we managed it to switch to a German keyboard. Another nightmare.

Contradictions

I like to cook for E.. Only for him I like to cook. I'm too shy to cook for someone else. When I cook for others I have stress, a lot of stress. I'm not a professional chef. But for E. I like to cook. He is silent when he likes the food. Today he ate his plate, then what was in the pot. Then he asked me: Can I have yours? Then he ate my remaining food, too. It's all animal free food. Of course. He likes sauces, he got it today.

Spicy was my food, the red wine was good to the Thai meal. In the morning I don't drink coffee anymore, but wine in the evening is good, isn't it?

Through and through I'm a catholic. The word "sin" tells me a lot. To sin, to confess, to say a few prayers and then to start again with the sweet sins. This circuit I know very well.

The only sin is to be unconscious, says Osho. Consciously I enjoy my red wine and tomorrow I will be again a health apostle. After having regretted the red wine of course.

I miss my coffee in the morning. After meditation I was tired again today. I blame the coffee for it. I went to bed again and slept for a while. I had a nightmare. A man wanted to kill me with a knife (to make a long story short).

E. woke up: Oh, you are still in bed.

Me: Yes, I had a nightmare.

He: Was I in your nightmare?

Me: No, you were not.

He: I'm not even in your nightmares?

Me: Be glad.

He: Come into my arms.

I did it, it's so cosy to be in his arms. Nightmare disappeared. Who and where is the man with the knife? Who wants to kill me?

Stiff, but......

If I'd tell someone, who does no yoga, that I had put my leg behind the head this morning, nevertheless I feel rather stiff, he/she would probably answer: Tell me another joke.

I felt stiff, I sweated. My attitude is: as long as I practice, it's good. To practice, when stiffness is felt has other challenges: to go on, not to give up, not to judge, not to be disappointed, because there are always ups an downs, that's it what can be learned and it is equally worthy than being able to do a perfect pose on flexible days.

...but: there was a huge surprise today. Pincha mayurasana was my last post of the middle part today. I went up and without touching the wall I could hold the pose for several breaths. I thought I had to wait years till this would happen. I tried to repeat it, but this was not possible. That's OK. It happened once, it will happen again. I'm so glad. I like this pose, it looks so elegantly, head is up and feet point to the sky.

Concentration was missed today. My mind was in China.

Savasana. The end.

Now the life that I have build around my writing, sitting and yoga practices will start.
Clothes are already in the washing machine. I'm going to prepare the breakfast for us (first I have to go to the bakery to buy some bread) and then I will go to work. I have to. Healthy again, I have the energy to do it. I only want to mention it: It's a sunny spring day today.

Why sitting meditation?

I had forgotten it. It's an expression of being reluctant. During the 15 min of sitting meditation I thought about the reasons why I sit.
The result:
I want to exercise the mind. The task is to let go of thoughts, to observe them, to be aware.
To be in silence with myself is the next point. And this is not so easy.
To learn to focus on the breath i.e. The breath, it's such a great help in life.
Not to follow each and every impulse, if not wished. It's so difficult, too. Half a minute before it was over I couldn't resist anymore and I looked at my meditation watch, which is a bit out of sight.
Couldn't I have waited these 30 sec, these 7 breaths?

Let's see what happens tomorrow.

To walk

This afternoon I walked downtown. I wanted to move, I wanted to walk. It was sunny. Many people were out. It was like in spring. Wonderful.

At five I was back home, without having bought anything. Very good.
Bf invited me to a Thai restaurant. Tofu with vegetables was my meal, it had the number 101.
Our topics this evening: my job and E.'s health.

Nothing is done at home. Will I start cleaning the bathroom now? I don't believe it.
Early in bed, early up, that's what I will do. E. will be on business trips again next week, then I will have time for homework. Am I busy.

Me: Darling, I have a very good business idea: I want to give creative writing courses in China.
He: And how will you do it?
OMG is he realistic.

I must work on plan B. Everything is possible. Haha. Seems as if I'm optimistic today.

I had time

It was perfect. To have as much time as I wish is great. I held the poses rather long this morning. To relax in the pose is important, the breath helps. I don't know how often I've already written this, but I experience it every day anew.

Not one pose was neglected. Urdhva dhanurasana was good this morning, nevertheless I feel that I'm still far away from dropping back on my own.

Focus, breath, bandhas accompanied me. How I feel good now.
This practice, what a joy in my life. :)

I will go to work tomorrow. I have to care for my own things. I need room, space.

Sitting meditation

I became tired during these 15 min. I even had my eyes closed. But I wanted to go on. I focused on my breath. This helped. Inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling. Thoughts came up, other thoughts came up. I wanted to go on. I resisted the wish to look at my watch. Back to the breath, inhaling, exhaling. And then the alarm clock told me that fifteen minutes were over.

The tea does not yet wake me up like the coffee. Nevertheless I'm convinced that the tea is better for me, so much milder, more natural.

Funny

I woke up without alarm clock. In the bathroom I looked into the mirror - which made me smile. My hair is falling into my face and tickles me. I seem to have a good day. Where is my tea?

Another cup of tea

Now I need it. The first was just for fun. This one I need for relaxation.
How fast emotions change. From one second to the other.
What do I preach all the time: Life is a game, for entertainment. It's pure energy. Enjoy it. Lean back, observe the game.
But now I'm frustrated and sad. This goes away, faster than I can think, I know it.

How will my life go on, this I ask myself now. Everywhere constructions, inability, imperfection, chaos, mess (even dirt), lies.

I need another cup of tea. I start feeling cosy in my (self-made?) misery. Self-made, yes, it's always self-made.

Too much work and too less time

That's a good title. It describes in one sentence my working life, my week. But it's Friday evening now. The official working week is over. Workaholics like me will work during the weekend. But for now it's past time.

At home I remembered savasana. Savasana means to relax consciously. And that's what I'm doing now. I'm drinking a cup of tea, consciously, I relax. Nothing must be done. To relax is important, too.

After work I went to the hairdresser. A young man with blond curly hair cut my hair. He was courageous and good-looking with a huge mouth. He did a perfect job.

On my desk is a mirror. From time to time I look into the mirror and enjoy my hair. It's falling into my face now. It's movement, it's a narcissistic game.

I practiced

...it was not so easy to start. Another day where I felt reluctance. I told me: If you do not practice today, tomorrow it will be even more difficult. Without much thinking I rolled out my mat. I had no expectations. If I had expectations, I'm sure I'd stop practicing. But so I could accept what was. The body was stiff, why ever. It's Friday I thought. To blame the Friday is always a good excuse.

Of course I fell good now, even flexible.

It's the third day without coffee. I already feel what an aggressive beverage coffee is. Tea is so much milder. To wake up because I slept long enough is so much better, than to wake up with a hit in the stomach. My tea is rather spicy, it tastes good. It's not a substitute, it's an original.

The show must go on

Or how I scan the world: I can see life more and more as a play of energies.
It's a show nothing else. Something must happen so that the energy can manifest.

If nothing happens life is like quite water. Then someone throws a stone into the water, waves emerge. Movement, energy can be seen. In real life the stone stands for "too much work", "relocation", "an exam", or something else. People who are around this event, react, they forward the energy in different ways.

We had our monthly meeting today. The stone. We were all insulted that we weren't doing enough. We work all 10 hours a day, but obviously we (not only me) do not meet the deadlines. Boss knew what was wrong, we all have the wrong attitude, we do not work long enough. It was his show.
Afterwards my colleagues were angry, dissappointed, attached, influenced by outside events. There are all possible reactions. I was amused. I wasn't touched at all. I could enjoy the show. It was pure energy for me. I enjoy to observe the play of energies. Ha.

Up and down

It goes always either up and down. Today I felt a bit stiff in comparison to yesterday. This didn't frustrate me at all. It was as it was.

Pincha mayurasana: I do it against the wall. First I touched the wall with my feet and then I tried to stand alone. This time I could hold the pose several breaths without touching the wall. I was really balanced. Ha, a highlight. These little successes on the way are great.

Savasana: As a lack of time I wanted to omit again this pose. But I decided not to omit it. To be relaxed is so important for the time being. To stay cool, to let the belly move with the breath, to relax the face......... damned, what did I wanted to write....is important, wonderful or whatever.

Tea today again. Yesterday when we changed our clothes after practice I mentioned that I would give up drinking coffee. The reaction was emotional: To give up coffe - never was the opinion. This shows me one more time how important it is to give it up. Coffee????? What's that?
I feel already better than yesterday without it.

With a relaxed face, a deep breath I will go throught my day.

What else: Bf will travel to Oslo today. In the morning I often find a note on my yoga place, written on an envelop: Sweetheart, please wake me up tomorrow at 6 a.m.. It's important. Your E.
Today it seemed rather important because of his business trip. I interrupted my yoga and woke him up at 6 a.m.with some kisses, but it's never sure if he gets up. Important can be rather relative. Today he told me: The flight is at 9, I still have time. Give me another 30 min. This is our morning ritual. I wake him up almost every morning and then he discusses the time when he wants to get up. Now he is busy, very busy, it's late for him now. The flight. The suitcase is not yet packed. He is cool. I like it. (Frequent flyer have it easier to get on the plane.)

Mysore class

Urdhva dhanurasana: B. put a blanket on my mat (psychological support) and back I went. Of course I thought she would hold me, but she didn't.
So today I did it again alone ....and.......I fell on my head. It's the second time now that my head touched on the floor involuntarily. I was so shocked afterwards. But that's all. I'm glad I did it.

Urdhva dhanurasana has 3 challenges: Fear must be conquered. To go back and not to see the floor is adventures. Bandhas and leg muscles should be rather strong. And last but not least the spine should be rather bendy.

I got some more nice adjustments. I need it and it improves my poses without doubt. To practice in a group is also a totally different experience than practicing alone. We were 4 women today, all with a lot of energy and power. It was real fun.

Coffee: It was not so easy this morning to wake up without coffee. I missed the kick.
It's still in my mind that it is exciting to take drugs (dope, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes) and that it is boring to drink fruit tea. Even though I do not preach, I feel a bit like a moralizer. Fact is that it is all brainwashing. It's not at all exciting or adventures to be on drugs. It might be nice to experience oneself somehow differently as usual. But in the end only when lived consciously it's really exciting. To go behind the limits with awareness is much more interesting than doing something unconsciously. I preached enough for today. Good night.

Fruit tea tomorrow morning. :)

Morning sun

Morning sun was very weak. Morning sun is the name of my tea. It tasted rather good, but no kick. Coffee is so much stronger.

During the 15 min meditation my eyes were closed already. I was tired. I stopped it and went to bed again. No yoga today.

This evening I go to Mysore class.

Buh, always this tiredness.

I'm through the day

I was cool today. All the time. Even when it got excited today ( I mean I missed already several deadlines). I was cool. I worked, I did what was possible for me.

After lunch I bought tea. The shop clerk didn't understand that I wanted fruit tea or herbal tea in the morning.
I think I will miss the coffein kick tomorrow morning. But in the long run I prefer to have an open transparent body, which is not too much manipulated by drugs and bad food and bad beverages.

So tired, incredible tired. Nothing is important at the moment. Only my tiredness is felt.

Only 45 min

I sat on my sofa this morning, writing my journal, but I was also dreaming with open eyes. It's difficult to give up this habit. Consciously I drank my black coffee, probably one of the last cups that I will drink. It doesn't taste really good. It's more the kick that I like. It wakes me up, that's it. Knowing that I wanted to give up drinking coffee, I had the feeling that I needed 2 cups of coffee today. I filtered another one. Time didn't stop in the meantime.

I missed meditation.

I was proned not to practice, because it was already 6 a.m., when I could jump on my mat. I'm glad that I practiced, that I had found the way to the mat. Flow was experienced and I was mentally on my mat. There are some tricks to practice daily: Not to think too much is one. Nevertheless there are always days, where special effort is necessary to start. But only the start is difficult and it lasts a second. I enjoyed my practice. Resistance is fading. It's a good sign.

I switched off the light for the last asana: savasana.

Something interesting: On my left side of my back I felt something like a knot, it was as if something was hooked. I even felt pain when I did parsva dhanurasana. This knot disappeared. I blame parsva dhanurasana for it. My body became more transparent, more in alignment. I appreciate this very much.

Coffee

I'm inspired by a comment to write about coffee.
Yes, coffee. Coffee wakes me up in the morning. It's a kick. I think I need it. But I also know that it is not true. How and what we eat and drink is 99% a habit. Could I really like coffee when I knew that I were addicted to it? I'd say, I'm very used to it.
I gave up to drink coffee during working hours. The effect is enormous. It's easier not to feel tired and exhausted. Coffee has the reputation to wake people up. It's true, but only for a very short time, the break-down follows. Water is much better.

For the time being I drink 1 or 2 cups of coffee in the morning. I will change this. I need a substitute. Green tea is not good for me in the morning. Once I almost vomitted - it was too strong for my stomach. Black tea is not good for my teeth. It will be a herbal or fruit tea. The more I write about it the more I know that the time for another favourite hot morning beverage has come. I'm not sure what it will be.

Tomorrow after lunch I will go to a tea shop. Let's see what's available on the market.

BTW coffee makes fat. This is true. I tested it. You can read why it is so in the book: Skinny bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin.

Oh I forgot to write about the reasons why I want to stop drinking coffee. I think coffee is not good for the body. If "no coffee" supports my meditation practice so much the better it is.

Report from the mat

The alarm clock rang in the morning. I thought: What's that? Then I realized it. It is Monday. I have to get up, I have to go to work.

Legs found the way out of the bed. To enter a clean kitchen is great. I prepared my cup of coffee and admired my consequence yesterday.
I lost weight again, even though I ate enough yesterday. I don't know what the chefs in restaurants do, but eating out makes fat. My own meals make me thin without effort. Perhaps it is because I take more spices and less fat.

Meditation first: To be with myself without distraction, that's what I appreciate when sitting on my mat. Pleasant thoughts came up, unpleasant thoughts, too, but I also observed the quite and even breath.

Thin as I'm I had a rather easy practice today. I felt bendy. Time was too short for all the asanas. The most important asanas for me was savasana. It's a challenge for me to let go and to relax. Sometimes I thought it's a waste of time to lie only on the back and to do nothing. But I know it is not a waste of time. I set my meditation clock for 5 min. During that time I did nothing but lying on the floor. I scaned my body to see if there was still tension somewhere. Only my face needed to relax a bit more. And then I lied on the floor, belly moved up and down. This morning I switched off the light. I knew that I wouldn't fall asleep again. I was conscious and a bit sad when the 5 min were over.

Conscious and relaxed, content, full with joy I was on my mat and on my cushion. So I want to go through the day. Breath my breath, moment after moment.

Do I need consultation or do I have too much money?

I'm just considering to consult a space clearing specialist. There is one in Munich. E. doesn't like it, when I call her. He thinks we don't need it. E. fears that he has to throw away his books on maths and electronics.
But the next businsess trip is coming. I think I will call and invite this woman, and if it is to get feed-back. I don't need the ceremony. We have too many things and I do not know anymore where to start with cleaning, arranging.

I like empty spaces, but where in my rooms is an empty space. Nowhere. This does not exist. Things, things, things. Everywhere.

To let go. Everything. How to do it? This will become a focus. I feel it. To become like an empty vessel in a messy home, I don't think that this is possible.

Bed time, bed time.

To finish things

To finish things is satisfying. To have a plan or a recipe, to get started somehow, to enjoy the doing and the result. But finally there is an end in sight. Another adventure can start.

At my job I never see an end of all the tasks. Never something is really done. It's the same with chores.

Perhaps life has changed in general.

For relaxation

...and I didn't like to go out anymore. I threw some noodles in the hot water. We still had them from one of our trips to Italy.

Too less sauce, as usual, E. added. I'm no more hungry and this was the goal of the endavour. To cook is experience. I will go on with my cooking adventures, it's relaxing.

Now the kitchen is waiting for me, cleaning time. :)

Hahaha

Sunday at the office: I took the subway to get to the office at about 2 p.m. Depressed I sat on the bench. Sunday I'm going to work, I thought. I was not in the mood to read, even though I have always something to read in my bag. "Crazy wisdom" was the book I was carrying with me.

When I arrived at my desk I sat down and in the meantime I was so sad that crocodile's tears were rolling down my cheaks. I cried a bit, but then I thought that this was not the reason why I got to the office. I put my coat on the hanger and switched on the PC. I heard someone. It was my colleague, the one who is always complaining. He saw the empty chair and sat down. OMG, I thought. And he started telling me his problems. I know them already. He wants to have a room of his own in the new office building. But like all the ordinary staff, he will sit in a room with 4 desks. This is a nightmare for him. He considers to leave the company. I listened to him. Finally we thought of all the poor people at the shops, who have to stand the entire day, and who don't get much money for the hard work. We both felt a bit better. I wanted to add something positive, too. I said that the Americans are always so optimistic. He agreed. Then he left me. He always asks me how long I intent to stay. Not so long, I answer always.

I started with the work. In the first hour I saw only the difficulties that I couldn't solve on a Sunday. But after this first hour I found flow and I even accomplished something. No, nothing is finished. At least I have done something.

Two times I called E. He told me that he liked me. I thought, that it would be good if he cleaned the bathroom floor. But he is ill. But this makes no difference either . Ill or not, he does nothing at home. OK, he likes me, that's also something.

At 6 p.m. I left the company, it was already dark. Again in the subway I looked at all the people. Most of them were ugly. They all have their burden to carry around, I thought, but I'm at least beautiful. When I suffer it shall have at least some beauty.

The present moment

Finally I remembered the present moment. The present moment is always better than an imagined future.

How to bring me into the present moment? The body, the body, I started removing my body hair. This needs all my attention. Hair grows everywhere in different directions. Then I went under the shower and washed my hair. My hands gave my head a massage. I used a shower lotion. With my hands I spreaded it everywhere, I didn't forget the little toes, nothing. The hot water was really hot, the cold water was really warm. Present moment was lived again.

For a while I had forgotten the future, the work at the office on a Sunday. To sit at my desk is less awful, than to think about it, I know this. I should go deeper into my reluctance, my desperation, so that I can leave it behind me. Instead I'm still pretending that I like the job, that I'm a diligent employee. It's too much for me, that's the truth. I don't know where to start when I see all the work that needs to be done.

When my hair will be dry, I will go. No yoga so far. I feel so heavy, even though the scales showed me this morning how light I am.

Me: Darling, I don't want to go to work.
He: But I recommend it.

Hahaha.

Pinholes afterwards

Lean back and enjoy the show. Fulfill your destiny without fighting.

Sitting meditation: I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop in the middle of 15 min. I don't want to go to work either. Don't be so attached, breathe, observe, I told me. My nose was so dry today, this made it difficult to enjoy the breath. Inhale energy, exhale what is of no use. Inhale, exhale. It was difficult today.

And afterwards my feet and legs were red and soon I felt awful pinholes. But sitting meditation was over.

Enjoy the show of someone who does not like to go to work on Sundays, but who will go (Is this victim mentality or hero mentality? Guess I feel more like a victim than a hero).
Fact is I could cry, it's a sunny day and I have to go to work, because I'm not able to do my job within the regular working hours. I desperate.
This situation will not last forever I tell me. This situation tells you something. This is not my last job, I'm sure. I must find other income sources. I must work on it. This is probably the message.
Breath, I managed it to sit 15 min, I will manage it to go to work.

Evening

I'm sitting among all my spiritual books on awakening. I'm too lazy to read anything. The next door doesn't open. Not yet or never?

This weekend I read the worst litterature that is available on the market. I found devotion, passion, courage.

With devotion I should clean the bathroom floor.
As usual I haven't done enough this weekend. It's never enough. Will it be ever enough?

Cooking gets better with experience

The pot was too small for all the ingredients that I needed for my Indian soup. Somehow I mangaged it to mix it all.

I put a lot of spices in it (cumin, coriander, chillie, pepper, cinnamon, garlic). Eating it, we both started sweating. "How is it?" I asked E. He didn't answer. This is the best sign that the soup was excellent. When he is eating , he is eating , then he does not like to talk about it. Vegan. Spicy. My soup - very good.

The recipe can be found at www.my-vegan-life.blogspot.com .

The luxury "time"

I enjoyed each and every asana today. Not one pose was omitted, I appreciated them all. There was no hurry, I could hold the single asana as long as I wished. This also meant that I could relax in the pose. The consequence was that the body was soft and I experienced some highlights. After supta kurmasana I put my leg behind the head and the first time I needed much less power to keep the leg there. Supta kurmasana will be able some day, I think.

Urdhva dhanurasana: B. thinks I'm able to do it. It's only fear that holds me back. I think I'm not yet ready. I lifted myself up 3 times, I even walked my hands a bit to the feet. Then I stood up. With straight legs I bent backwards. Gravity should arch my back backwards. I strained my leg muscles and my bandhas. Then I went back. I have the feeling as if I were at the 4th floor and I should jump. I'm full of fear doing it. And I'm convinced that my back should be able to arch more, so that my arms can straighten totally when going back. Will it happen this summer? I hope so.

Savasana in my white jacket: I set my meditation clock for 5 min. My body was soft, I could feel how my belly moved up and down with each inhaling and exhaling. Only my face needed to relax a bit more. Quite and relaxed I laid on my back on my black mat then. This pose was like a reward today for all the energy that I had put into my practice.

I want to clean my home today. I want to do space clearing. All stuff that I do not need anymore must go. I will go to work tomorrow. Amen.

On sitting meditation

Sleep was interrupted. I'm still coughing. I really must be careful that I do not get ill again. Coughing is worse. So, I have lost enough words about my "illness".

New topic:
-I sat in lotus pose on my cushion this morning already. It's my reminder to live conscioulsy. It's my reminder to be aware of myself and what happens around me.
-I learn to be with myself without distractions like my work, books, chores or whatever. To sit and to do nothing, but breathing , means to meet myself.
-I learn not to follow each and every impulse that comes from outside. Till now it's difficult not to scratch. But there is also the impulse to look at my meditation clock. When the wish comes up I focus more intensively on breathing and the wish disappears, only to arise again later. Then I get back to breathing deeply and consciously again. My breath accompanied me through the 15 min sitting meditation this morning.

Same events provoke different feelings, reactions. I think of the relocation of the company. Other events come into my mind, too. I remember the time when I sold insurances. I had to call a lot of people. Most of the time I used the same words to convince them to make an appointment. The reaction varied a lot. The own reactions to same events are different at different times, too. There is no stability there.
Or should I write: I admire the variety of life.

Hu, at home in the present moment

I'm at home after a long working day. It's a repetition what I write, I know it and this will last for a while. Whyever, but I feel that I won't be able to accomplish all the tasks. But I try. I'm relaxed now. I got used to the feeling not being able to do the job. My fear not to be able to earn a living is rather low for the time being. This is a good sign. There are always possibilities, I think.

I don't want to neglect my other life, too. This evening I will clean my rooms. I will enjoy the results. This is daily life. It's not spectacular at all. Does consciousness make it special?

Modest, modest

The day started with a major catastrophe. I couldn't get online. E. solved the problem so early in the morning. That was so nice. Now he is sleeping again. But I have to wake him up at 7:15. He has another appointment at the doctor. We have a totally different approach to illnesses. He consults doctors, I think I need to relax, but I don't do it.

To sit was great today. Every day it gets easier to sit in lotus pose and this can be one of the reasons. I can focus on my breath without feeling any sensation in my legs.

Yoga: no flow today. I needed too many breaks. I did the standing sequences, this is better than nothing. No, I shouldn't write much about this practice. It's over.

Soon we will move to new offices. This creates a lof of feelings. Different people react differenty. All sorts of feelings are expressed: from indifference till disappointment. It's pure energy, I think. Energy that expresses in different ways. Not one reaction is like the other, even though the event is the same. Life is so rich. Change creates energy, I like to feel this. Energy is life.
(My reaction: I like the change, I'm curious, but it's also not that important to me. My yoga place and my yoga mat are more important to me.)

A mixture of everything and nothing

Was I productive today? I could have done more. I left the company too early, but I had enough. I wanted to go home as E. was at home. He is ill now and he is reported sick till next Wednesday. I'm so glad that he was so reasonable. On my way home from work I bought some healthy food to pamper him. He hasn't lost appetite. That's good. But he suffers. I know too well how painful this coughing was.

On reading and writing: I like to read the blogs of my fellow fighters. This helps me to see my life in another light. Many writers have too much work. I'm not the only one, who struggles with this issue. This seems to be a given task to a lot of people. What to do with it? For me it is important to define my limits, sometimes every day. The limit is not only when I'm done, but also when I do not want anymore. It's important to step back, to be detached, to develop humor. Especially last thing is important. Today I'm done. But at home I had a lot of energy to clean the rooms, to prepare dinner for us, to wash the dishes and so on, because I wanted that my bf can relax in clean and nice rooms. This was more important to me than doing the annual accounts of another company. E. is the one who is with me more than ten years now. And I even think he likes it. Nobody else wanted this (OK, often I didn't like it either).

Oh, I like my readers. I have made best experiences with writing publicly. Most of the "readers" are only for a fracture of a second on my blog to be realistic. But some read daily. I even got hot tips. That I shower in the evening is the recommendation of a reader. I still observe myself smiling when I think of it. There are parts of my life I do not want to discuss in public, that's why I have a private journal and I write daily in it. Here I allow me to complain, to express insecurities or whatever comes up. My blog is not in competition to my journal, there is no jalousy between them.
I have only made the best experiences with readers and people who comment (and I also allow anonymous comments). OMG, I just thought, perhaps my blog is so boring that nobody feels provoked? I don't care. That's the wonderful thing of it. There is no boss who tells me to attract readers, the more the better. I even can be boring. Of course I don't think that I'm boring.

Good night.

To practice, not to think too much

I practiced this morning. Every morning I feel better. Unfortunately my bf is ill now. I really hate these colleagues who come to work when ill. It is passive aggressivity. Ruthlessness. I feel also guilty, that my bf is ill now. For him it's worse than for me. I have a stronger health.

After some asanas I got discontent. I thought I'm not good enough. Then I thought, don't think. What moving thoughts this morning already.

Sitting: I was entertained by all sorts of thoughts and feelings. Finally I became the witness of all this again and not the doer. Important is not the time when I meditate. It's function is to remind me of being a witness. Important is the moment when the meditation clock rings, when I bow forward and then........does everything stop? Or do I go on with being aware of my life. Sitting meditation, then showering meditation, working meditation.

On enthusiasm: Some people are very enthusiastic, but it does not last 1 week. Others are not so enthusiastic in the beginning, passion develops slowly. But it lasts and it has its peaks, too.

V-Day: I need nothing. I have already everything. All these expectations people have on these days, awful. All the duties, rules they create due to inability to love. To reduce love buying gifts, that's what it is. Prove your love. But how can anybody prove love? That's not possible, not even with a gift on V-Day. And for those who want to have a gift and don't get one. Here my recommendation: Buy flowers for yourself, it's joy too.

Mysore class

We were four women this evening. It was quite in the room, we practiced. Everybody knew what to do. I have lost strength. It's something different to do vinyasas also between sides. At home I do vinyasas only between asanas. Somehow I didn't feel really soft. But I didn't care. I had totally forgotten my job and this was so good.

It is as if I did nothing today. Tasks that seem to be finished already, have to be redone. All the other stuff that has to be done also is still on my desk. Piles grow and grow. I don't know anymore where to start. I could keep distance, that's the good thing. I don't want to think of tomorrow, but this is also not necessary. It's too much. I must go to bed.

I'm back

It was possible again to have something I'd call a decent yoga practice with breath, bandhas, dristis and asanas, where I could feel the edges. I don't want to make a secret out of it. One reason for the good practice is that I lost some pounds (due to my illness), I guess 4. The battery of my scales is broken, but I don't need the scales in order to know my weight. It's so much easier to practice when really thin. I know I'm not fat, but Ashtanga yoga is so: the thinner, the easier.

Sitting meditation: My mind entertained myself for a while. But finally it was a conscious "activity" to sit so quite on my cushion, observing life and myself. Let's face it. It's just a start for being aware, also during the day. The conditions might be easier on the cushion than during the day. But awareness is good for every activity, for every situation in life. My experience so far, awareness makes life so exciting. I only can recommend it - to wake up a bit from time to time. The more often, the better.

This evening I will go to Mysore class. Oh, how nice.

PS: oh, a quick note on savasana, this important, most important last pose. 2 min are not long enough. I will set my meditation clock for 5 min tomorrow. To let go, to relax, to let go, that's it what we all have to learn. On so many blogs I read that people are overwhelmed. 75 % of the Germans feel stress I read yesterday online. This is the challenge of life nowadays. The weapon against feeling overwhelmed is to be able to relax, to let go. So let's see how relaxed I can be today. Damned, It's already late, I have to hurry. Stress? Not yet. :)

A phone call

E. called me at the office and asked me if I'd like to go out for dinner with him. Yes, this is not the first time I wrote this. We do spend a lot of time in restaurants, talking. I wanted to go out with him. We have had a nice relaxing evening.I just came home and I have had best Italian food. I loved it.

I think of the book by Mr Handy, that I'm reading. I wanted to read something else but my spiritual books, but I encounter the same topics: We are here on earth to get to know ourselves. This is the reason why Mr Handy wrote the book. For him writing this book was another attempt to learn something about himself.

In some months I will leave the company I work for at the moment, for the same reason. I want to experience every aspect of my personality. I want to see what is possible with me. The company already shows me its limits. But the time has not yet come. I'm still struggeling - a lot.

It's late. I'm tired. Bed time here. Good night.

The right approach

This morning it was again a bit later, when my legs found the way out of the warm bed.
But it was time enough for all my spiritual practices.

Meditation: Many thoughts came up. Topics: ageing, new office rooms, people.......

Time for yoga was short, only 45 min. I practiced slowly, it was again a beginning after 2 days off. And I'm still a bit ill. Slowly I went from asana to asana and I felt how the body liked it to get stretched. From the middle part of the series I could only do pashasana. I wanted to do salamba sarvangasana as this pose is supposed to be good when coughing.

At the end I put on my white jacket and my funny pink socks for the last pose: Savasana. I set my meditation clock. 2 min I wanted to do savasana. It was 2 quick minutes because I had to cough again. It's no more the painful, dry coughing, but a freeing one. I hope this illnes comes to an end soon. I don't want to cough anymore when I will go to the Mysore class tomorrow.

The company will move to new offices in the beginning of next month. We will sit then in an open plan office. 4 people will sit together rather close, then there are filing cabinets, then the next 4 colleagues will have their desks. It will be very tight. Yesterday we learned with whom we will share the place. I was rather indifferent. So I am now. I feel a certain curiousity. It's like as if a new game will start. I wonder how the players will perform. We were asked which of the 4 seats we wanted to have. Nobody wanted to say anything. I was fast, I got a seat close to the window in the 7th floor (US). We were told that the new cafeteria there is very good. As I belong to the ordinary employees I'm only allowed to be at the office during the core working times. No weekend work anymore? I've heard we have to write a request and then we would be allowed to do it. My weekend work is a relief for me. I saw it yesterday, after 9 hours of focused work, I'm done, I cannot concentrate anymore, I cannot make wise decisions anymore. Let's see. Even here I developped the approach: open curiousity. There is no solution, because there is no problem.

At home again after a long working day

This Monday was less stressful than I thought it would be. When I left the company at 6:30 or even later, I left too much work on my desk, too.

But I just remembered the sentence by Osho: there is no solution, because there is no problem.

This solved all my issues for the time being. The shower awaits me now.

I overslept

My bf switched off the alarm clock this morning. I vaguely remember that he had told me something, but I cannot remember anymore what it was. At about 6 he woke me up again. At first I didn't know where I was. This at least meant that I had slept. When I realized that it would have been too late for yoga I was disappointed. But soon I saw that the body needed the sleep.

As soon as I was in bed yesterday I had again such a terrible coughing attack. I thought my lungs would be thrown out of my body. Painful. I had sweated this night again. Fever is gone, that's good news. I still have to be patient. It won't be a day without coughing, but I'm already reconvalescent.

I wrote my 3 morning pages. Often I think illnesses are something for other people, I'm healthy. But the "gurus" are right. Illnesses are part of life. It's a given task to find a reasonable approach to it. It's an exercise to let go as well. Life cannot be lived according to the plan. I had to give up my yoga for at least too days. That's nothing, I know. Btw, I did uttanasana this morning. With each breath I could go deeper into the pose. I could relax. On the other side, even ill, many things can be done. To be disciplined helps to go on with life on a slower path, but life can go on.

OMG, all this complaining, this bit of coughing is not the end of my life. I'm awful.

I must go on now. With awareness of course. And then it can only become a good day.

Like the sunrise...

...only that it is evening, reluctance can be felt. Reluctance to go to work tomorrow. I still blame my illness for it, because there are a lot of interesting aspects of my work. And it is of course too much.

All the theories to love each and every moment do not help much. I have (still) favourite life situations.
But I'm able to bring me faster then ever into the here and now. I will watch a bit TV with E .this evening. He likes it when I sit next to him. And again I see, the current moment is nice and so it will be tomorrow. Only the thoughts about the future are horrible.

Early to bed, early up, this is the plan.

At home

I stayed at home and prepared some salads.

It's a pleassure to see how my bf likes what I prepare. He enjoys it.

I had a relaxing day with a book, an autobiography this time (Myself and other more important matters by Mr Handy) at home.

From time to time I did some chores, but I didn't go to the office and this was so good.

This IS the process

There are ups and downs all the time. Not one practice is like another one.
Some valleys are deeper and some montains are higher.

I meditated 15 min and then I did the few asanas, which Iyengar recommends when coughing. I didn't role out my mat. For these few asanas and I didn't intent to do surya namaskara a sticky mat wasn't necessary. I love the purism, I love to practice on the naked rug. Uttanasana was the first asana I tried. At once I had to cough, I went out of the pose and tried it again. At the third time I could remain in the pose. I had a good feeling, so I stayed and stayed and stayed. Paschimottanasna followed, then salamba sarvangasana. Breath was not that deep.When I breathe deeply, I have to cough. I didn't like to do sirsasana. I didn't like to loose balance when I would have to cough again. It was good, at least psychologically that I did some asanas. I will repeat them during the day.

Then I showered. It was a task. Everything is a task at the moment. But now I feel refreshed. This morning my whole body was sweating and this is rarely the case usually.
I can totally accept that I cannot do more at the moment. Perhaps because I like my body so much and for the time being the body needs relaxation. I won't go to the office today and I know what this means. Tomorrow I will have to report that I missed the deadline. My body and my health is more important to me. I'm glad that I can see my limits at the moment. It's not necessary to play the hero.

What says the bible?

I took the book "Light on yoga" by Iyengar and searched for the chapter with the illnesses.
And no surprise, I found a heading "cough".

The recommended asanas when coughing are:

Uttanasana, sirsasana, sarvangasana, paschimottanasana, even urdhva dhanurasana.

In my opinion these are asanas which give the throat a bit a massage through more blood circulation. I'm sure that I won't be ready for a whole Ashtanga series tomorrow, but uttanasana should be possible. Beside the possibility of self-discovery, yoga can have the possibility to heal. Let's see. So ready for bed again.

I cannot sleep

I slept in the afternoon. It was not a healthy sleep, more a break-down. In the early afternoon I went to bed again and I managed it to sleep again, but now I woke up by a coughing attack. It's only around 9 p.m. The last coughing was so painful, I thought I would die. I couldn't breathe anymore. In the meantime I have to press my abdominal muscles inside with my hands, it hurts so much when I cough. To press them inside is a bit of a relief. Fever is back. I sweat. I feel awful from head to toes.

I'm glad that E. made the grocery shopping today. He bought a lot of oranges and I like to eat them. They are juicy. I'm drinking another cup of tea with honey and then I hope I will be able to sleep again. I'm so exhausted from doing nothing.

Other topics will arise soon, I guess. It's a bad habit to write about illnesses and suffering. It's boring for all those who are healthy. I know, I know........but bad habits are so consistent.

How can I perfect my yoga?

Someone found my blog entering at google search: How can I perfect my yoga?
The key words at google are a source for topics to write about.

1. Shall I question the goal at all? Can perfection ever be achieved?
2. It's also possible to answer the question with practical advice.

I know the piftalls of perfection very well. Sometimes I didn't even start an activity because I wanted to do it perfectly. Chores are such a thing. My bathroom floor needs cleaning i.e.. My "perfect I" wants to take a bucket with hot water and soap. I will never do it, not today. The other idea is to take the vacuum cleaner. This is doable, but not perfect. I hope the lazy I will win the inner discussion. Then I will have a clean floor this evening, not perfect clean, but at least clean. To try to be perfect has dangers.

Practical as I am, here my advice to get perfect at yoga: Respect the rules, practice on a daily basis, listen to the body, remember the breath, the bandhas, the drishtis. Go to a good teacher from time to time. Be patient. Succes is not a straight way up to heaven. There are setbacks on the way, many setbacks. Go on. And suddenly when the wish of a perfect pose disappeared it might happen, a perfect paschimottanasana.
Perhaps it can be seen that everything is perfect as it is right now.

My three best friends

The body: exhibitionistic, likes to move, is the source of so many pleasures in my life, so many that it makes no sense to start listing them. The body is the best.

The thoughts: Curious, they always want to improve anything, very lively. They are always ready for some mental summersaults. They jump from the past to the future in seconds. They are difficult to tame. They like to dream. The thoughts think: We are the best.

The feelings: Often they are absent. When they arise it is often with such an intensity that it dominates everything. They show up fast, almost unstoppable they are when they are on the way to the stage. The palette is immense. Body and thoughts subordinate when it's their show. We are the best, they think.

And these three queens are always together. This alone means tension, excitement. These different characters are always together and they are all so proud of themselves. Awareness must throw light on it. Light, that shows the way out of the chaos.

At the moment the body needs most attention. It's the show of the body. I'm ill. Ohhh.

I don't want to miss the show

I had to buy an electric bulb for the bathroom. I put on some clothes and went. I knew that my bf would jog in the very close park, when I would come back. This I wanted to see: my bf jogging. Arriving at the park, he was not yet there, so I waited. Would he come?

Then he came, running already. I clapsed in my hands, jubilating: I don't want to miss the show. I don't want to miss the show. He liked it. He ran too fast. I told him to jog slower when he had done the first round and to walk when the heart beats too fast. Then I left him alone.

Oh, someone was knocking on my door. He is already back. Sweating, exhausted, a bit sad, that he has no more condition.

Will he run more often now? I shall see. It would be very good for him.

Discipline

We learn more than some poses like paschimottanasana when we do yoga. We learn discipline.

Nobody has time these days. We are all too busy. To find time for something like yoga and to practice on a regular basis needs discipline. It's not the topic of yoga, but it is a side-effect.

Ill as I am (and I still feel awfully), it was possible for me to get up at a decent hour, 9 a.m., and I did some chores. Slowly, but I was active and I started doing what has to be done. I'm disciplined and I like this behaviour that developped with the time.

At 4 o'clock this night I woke up, I couldn't sleep for a while. Then I read my emails and blogs. Someone commented: you are tough like nails. This made me smile. This morning I asked my bf if this was true. He nodded. Hahaha. But this doesn't alter the fact that I'm suffering at the moment. Yes, self-pity, I don't care. Self-pity and anger, that my colleagues get ill to work are feelings I experience. I don't like it to be ill, but who does???

No yoga today. :(

Oh, I feel so bad --- hahaha, I go on complaining

I don't know how I brought me through the day.
I'm drinking my cup of ginger tea with honey and rhume, and then I will go straight to bed. Perhaps I will take another aspirin. I feel awful.

I'm a montain of misery, hands and feets are cold the nose is hot. It is supposed to be the other way roung. Cold nose, like a dog and warm hands and feet, that would be good.

.........

Bf just called me and asked me if I'd like to go with him to the Greece restaurant. Of course I like. I can lie in bed and sit on the sofa when I'm a grandma and this will never happen. :)

I feel cold and ill

I slept a bit (very good news). I woke up from time to time, but I also slept. At five I got up: headache. I even had fever yesterday. The illness returned. I blame my colleague for this, but it doesn't help. Me and all the others will go to work even ill. There is too much to do at the office. Today I should stay at home in bed, but I have deadlines today. My throat, my adominals, my head, my skin everything hurts. To complain helps. Sorry, I must complain a bit, while I'm coughing.

I wrote my 3 morning pages and I meditated. No yoga today. My body needs all the energy to heal and not to build muscles.

Plan for today: to go home as soon as possible. I cannot avoid to work on weekends. But today I should try to be at home earlier than usual.

Where is the aspirin?

(PS: The "guru" Maharasi or Maharisi, the one who invented the TM-transcendental meditation passed away at the age of 91. He had lived in the Netherlands. The Beatles went to him in the sixties. But meditation seemed to be a fashion phase in their lives. I wonder if someone can have such an awful divorce consciously. I know, I only have infos from the press. Isn't it the intention of all the meditation and yoga to become aware, conscious of oneself? Greed, hate are not feelings that remain, when conscioulsy. These feelings fear awareness, like the devil the holy water. They disappear in the light of consciousness. Stupid questions, I know. And I wrote about matters I do not really know. So lets stop it.)

Oh, it's so nice to get a warm and tender hug from my darling in the morning.

Breakfast now: banana with sojayofu. Mmmmmmmm. Appetite didn't disappear. :)

Rhume, honey, ginger tea

This was the mixture, that should help me. I enjoyed my tea.

The dirty dishes of a week reminded me of my resolution to clean the dishes after each and every meal. I put on my yellow rubber gloves and did at least this chore. In the radio they played "Stay by your man". I changed the text a bit: Stay by your man, even though he never cleaned the dishes, even though he does not even know how to start the washing machine.
By the way I like to do the dishes. It's nice to do from time to time something with the hands. I do not have a dishwasher and I do not want one. The less machines the better. I also do not have a coffee machine, I filter.

The sink is clean now and I will have a clean cup for my black morning coffee.
This is already a success.

Yes, ill and weak. I think: and this I shall enjoy?

It's early today, but I will go to bed to recover. A relaxed yoga practice will be good tomorrow morning. But this I can decide tomorrow. The hope dies at last. I hope I will sleep without coughing and I already know that this won't happen. Awful. Good night.

I cough and cough and cough and...

....and cough and cough.

I fear to cough now, my abdominen hurt when I cough. It's a nightmare.

Perhaps warm water on my throat helps me a bit and relaxes me.

Limits

After such an intensive practice like yesterday, the body had tightened overnight and my limits were felt earlier than usual. I respected it and had a moderate practice, which was not less challenging than the other practices every day. I did some of the backbending of the second series (of course after the suryas and standing sequence) and I was happy with it. It was enough for today.

The newcomer yesterday thought that he would feel the practice the next day (sore muscles, overstretched). B. and me, too were sure he wouldn't. He didn't know his limits and he didn't go far enough. More would have been possible. But in the beginning there is less awareness of the own possibilities. It's not known what is possible and what not. This knowledge comes with practice.

After years of practice feeling the limits remain a challenge, but they are no more the unknown stranger. The tendency can be to ignore them. That's why injuries happen i.e. To find the limits to go a bit further is the intention, then development happens. And at the same time it is an awareness exercise. Where are the limits? That's the question. Every day they are somewhere else. This morning they showed up very fast. I felt them, I understood the message and respected it.

What else: I'm ill again. People get to work ill, even when they have contagious infections. I coughed again during the night and my abdomen hurt, because of too much coughing. I want to stay in bed. But it is not possible.
I will observe how it looks like when I work while being ill.
I will observe how it looks like when I feel overwhelmed.

In yoga I got to know my limits a bit better, not in life. I will find out where they are. As already mentioned, learning happens, when going a bit behind the limits. To go too far behind the limits causes the opposite: desperation, burn-out syndrom, fading of motivation.

Doing yoga sensitivity can develop. There are so many aspects in yoga, it's amazing.

Mysore class, the first one this year

I had almost forgotten how much energy arises when 5 people come together doing Ashtanga yoga.
B. is full of energy and glad to be back and I think we too, we are glad to have her back.

I had to drop back into urdhva dhanurasana. This summer I guess I will be able to do it. I can wait, it's not so important for me for the time being.

We had a newcomer today, a man. He has never done yoga. My point of few is that he is rather stiff. I was very curious how he would find it, but at the end he told me that he would come back. He liked it very much. Why not.

When we all were in savasana I had to cough again. I'm still ill. I apologized at the end, but a woman confirmed that she wasn't bothered. This was very nice.

Mysore season has started. I love it.

To be kind to myself

A sinful evening in a Greece restaurant with retsina and ouzo, weak, because I'm still ill and coughing, back hurts, too because of too long working hours in unhealthy positions, the punishment followed this morning. I felt stiff and motivation to do anything else but sleeping was low.

Visualization and the knowledge that I would feel better afterwards made me step on my mat and I practiced. Very moderate was my practice, but my body was moved and the wished result happened. I feel better now, even refreshed.

Savasana: I put on my white jacket in order to have it warm, I put the eye cushion half on my front half on my eyes and relaxed. No more tension could be felt in the body. Nice pose.

Meditation: Thoughts circled around the job. I tried to let them go and in a fracture of a second they came back.

And this evening I will have again Mysore class. B. is back from India. I wished I'd feel better. But so what.

(Buh, I'm coughing again and it's painful. It's so ruthless to go ill to work. But we all do it. 1 colleague is ill now, I guess 3 weeks. It's a nightmare. When ill, people must stay at home, but we all think we cannot afford this, because we have too much work on our desks. Oh yesterday we had carneval here. We were allowed to go home at 1 p.m. I stayed till 6 p.m. I like it when it's quite at the office, then I have the feeling I accomplish something.)

If it's true or not....

.....I don't care. I have my carneval story that I tell every year, men and women like them somehow.

I tell, that on carneval (today) my bf has to dance with me. It's the only day of the year we do it, but it is a must. I tell that he hates to dance, because he is sweating so fast. I add that most men only dance till they have found a woman then they stop it.

Men know that this is true,
women know that this is true.

So what did we do today: we were at the Greece restaurant No 2. And it was OK. I still feel sick. Too many people go to work with their contagious illnesses. I cough again and I feel weak. I must go to bed and today I don't care if I have had a dance or not. I only want to relax.

40 investors and Jim Rogers himself

Yesterday I couldn't await till it was evening. I went to a dinner with 40 investors and Mr Rogers. "Dinner" was a bit an exxaggeration, so much the better was the mental nutruition we were offered.

First lecture was on inflation. Summary: It's much higher than admitted.

Then we could listen to Jim and his enthusiasm about commodities. Detailed expertise was presented in such a convincing, lively way. I feel able to do some decisions regarding my hard earned money. Out of the American market (sorry), commodities are the future. More important: The spark of enthusiasm to care for money jumped on me again. Jim is not a man of compromises. To focus not to diversify is his advice.

It's exciting to meet someone in person, whose books I devoured. A great evening.

This morning I focused, too, not on commodities, but on my breath. There was only time for meditation this morning. I had set the alarm clock one hour later. I fell into bed yesterday in the evening when I arrived at home. It was already late.

A bit tired, a bit stiff

But these are no reasons not to practice.

After my 15 min meditation I needed a break. I did savasana for some time. This had consequences. Time for yoga was shorter than usual.

But to sit was already good. Perhaps because I was a bit tired, not so many thoughts came up and I could concentrate on my breath.

Yoga: In the beginning I was a bit stiff, but this changed with the practice. At the end my body was rather soft and flexible. I even lifted my body up into urdhva dhanurasana, arms could straighten. And fingers could hook in supta kurmasana and this happened already early in the morning between 6 and 7 a.m.
At the end I had to make a decision due to lack of time: sirsasana or savasana (craziness or relaxation). I did savasana - it was the second time this mornig. To let go, to relax, so important.

My thoughts circle around my job and what I have to do and how I will do it. Stress is felt. It's all too much.

I ask myself if the book of my life is already written. This is a question with a lot of consequences. If everything is already predictable, I could relax. Then there is no responsibility on my side. Ha.

I love you

I give you a second chance and a third chance. I forgive you. You weren't always nice to me. But I also know that you want to surprise me and I pretend to know everything already. The past shall not have an influence anymore. It's over. You are so fearless so incalculable. How you can confuse me.

We meet again, fresh, innocent, curious. Every day. I know you are ready for me, whenever I want you. And I want you.

I want to let me surprise by you, almost like a virgin I want to be. I love you present moment.

Sunday evening

I only have to wait till my bf is dressed. He was enjoying a hot bath, when I arrived at home.
He invited me for dinner in a Thai restaurant. Isn't he sweet. So sweet.
Thai food is my favourite food. It's only in competition with penne al'arrabiata.

Spell checking does not work anymore. Has someone an idea why?

To be reasonable

I don't want to go. I just don't want to. It's so more reasonable to work at least a few hours.
So I will stop considering. It will give me peace and a good start in the next week when I work some extra hours.

To dress, to open the door, to go to the office, these are the next steps on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

It's hard.

Every practice is a good one

I was no my mat. That's the first success already. Practice was so intensive, that I even sweated. I fought against my laziness with success.

Urdhva dhanurasana could be done with straight arms, but I was not able to walk the arms to the feet.
Kapotasana, it's a difficult pose.
Upward facing dog is one of my poses I do with much attention. It's the preparation for the back bending.

And savasana at the end. Oh.

I promised to buy some Krapfen for us. It's carneval here and it is the costum to eat these cakes with jam in it. I like them and my bf likes them even more than I do. He gets pampered today. I will buy him 3, I will have 2.

It's a sunny early afternoon here. What else can we wish.

One step forward, 2 steps back

I took me such a long time, till I had written my three morning pages today. Not because I wanted to find the right words or because it was so difficult what I wanted to write. It was because my mind drifted away, morning dreaming happened.

The present moment is like a great love, that is always available. It is there when I wake up, it accompanies me to the office, it is with me when I'm in a restaurant with E., when I meet new people and in the evening before I sleep it is still there for me. It is as if it says: You can love me anytime. I'm always ready for you. I love you. The present moment is not like a diva, who says: Oh, you neglected me this morning, now I go out alone without you. The present moment is never offended, always ready to be loved.
Perhaps this is one of the reasons we overlook, how precious it is to have this resort, this paradise.

What do I feel now? Nothing hurts, body is perfect. It's warm here, cosy.
What do I hear? It's quite, perhaps the refrigerator makes a quite even sound.
What do I see? My own words on the screen of my PC.
What do I taste and smell? These senses relax at the moment.

Present moment, my love, ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh, I just came home

Oh, no, not from work. I left work at 7 p.m. (PS: it's Saturday). It was satisfying. It was almost quite in the office and I could do some routine work and some extra work. Two other colleagues were at the office. I did 5 extra hours. These extra hours give me a bit of peace. I even consider to work tomorrow in order to have even more peace.

No, I came home from dinner now and not from work. E. invited me to an Italian restaurant. We both ate a lot and I talked a lot.
At the end of the evening E. wanted to give me the monthly money for the rent and the food, that I buy for us. As usual he wants to pass me the money over the table. I hate this. Once he did it and I could observe how the bar keeper started smiling at me. I smiled back trying to look innocent (It's for the rent and the food, I wanted to scream at him). This time I opened my blouse and I invited my bf to put the money into my bras. He didn't give me the money. He gave it to me when we were at home. I was good, I communicated in a way that even a man understood. I guess he will never pass me money over the table in a restaurant. Somehow sad, it was so......

I feel good, it's not important, I know this. I fight, I know this, too. It's not important either. I want to do the job, I won't give up. It's not free will, it's compulsive.

Very German: In the underground I met my door to door neighbour. He introduced me to his friend: She is working in the same branche. They asked me if I went dawdling downtown, too. I told them that I had to go to work and how I felt at the moment: In the morning I'm optimistic, I told them, in the evening I'm fed up with everything. I want to give up and I never want to work again in my life. Next morning I'm again optimistic and I think that I have a great job, because it's interesting and challenging. In the evening I could cry again because it is too much, and so on.... We are feeling the same way, they told me.
We Germans complain. Asked how we feel, we never answer with "Great". We tell our sorrows at once. I have to admit it: it's a relief.

And now I will go to bed. I want to be up on time tomorrow morning. I have a lot of things to do, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Sharath

During the working week I was looking forward to my practice on Saturday, because I'd have all the time I want. Today is Saturday and I had difficulties to start. This I cannot accept.

I remembered my methods to start:

- not to discuss, if I like to practice or not

- to role out the mat and to sit on the mat till it gets boring

- or to switch on the CD by Sharath and this I did today.

When practicing alone I need more time to change the asanas, but I do not hold them so long.

After purvottanasana I switched off the CD. I wanted to examine supta kurmasana more carefully. I put the right leg behind my head and tried to hold it with a strap, so that I could put the left leg behind the head, too. It was not possible. This pose develops slowly.

I sweated today so that I couldn't stretch my arms through my folded legs. Garbha pindasana was not possible today. But I had also highlights: urdhva dhanurasana was great.

I did the closing sequence with the CD by Sharath again and the first time I held sirsasana for 15 breaths. But then I had to go down.

Body feels great.

It's rainy outside, it's the perfect day to work some extra hours at the office. :) But at first breakfast.

To get back to be the witness of my own life

I catched myself, doing self-conversation. Furious I walked around in my room having arguments. "Stop it", I told myself. Doing self-conversations rarely happen consciously. There was still the inner press: "But I want to make clear, that.....". "Stop it", I told myself.

Be the witness of your own life. Don't get lost in anger, furious thoughts about events in the past. The Source gave you the present moment as a gift. Enjoy it.

I threw my cushion on the floor, sat down in lotus pose. I observed my breath and the upcoming thoughts. I let them come and fly away. I became again witness of my life.

15 min were over much too fast.

And: I left behind the wish that I want to be happy all the time. That's a childish wish. To embrace all the other feelings that come up is a challenge. Can I see positive aspects looking at the feeling of excessive demands? Do I stay young when I handle it, when I do not give up?

Buh

No, I'm not happy. My situation may be the perfect learning situation, or whatever. It is too much for me. It is as if I accomplish nothing. I work for others. I have to work on Saturday and probably on Sunday, too. I don't like it.

A friend of me has called me. Writing flow is over now. Must go to bed. That's not too bad. I wouldn't have liked it to read my complaining novel tomorrow in the morning, when I will feel better already. :)

Joy substituted ambition

Joy was felt, when I practiced. From time to time I felt the edges, more concrete, this well-known pain was felt, that happens when muscles, harmstrings get stretched. It's a sweet pain.

Not so much ambition was felt. I wanted to stretch my body, I wanted to use my muscles. I did it and it was great. How creative these Indian guys were, I thought when I stretched my arms through my legs, that were folded in lotus pose.

Soft is my body now, relaxed.

Savasana, my last pose: Body is relaxed after the practice, actively I relaxed the face. My belly went up and down when I breathed evenly. And finally I had to role my body to the right side. My yoga time was over.

Not all asanas could be done. Tomorrow will come and then I will enjoy a very long practice.

(Sitting meditation was nice. I didn't expect anything. I only observed how a "young lady" was sitting on the floor, in lotus pose, focusing on the breath. The few thoughts that came up today can be neglected).

We cannot go home, because we are already at home. That's what I read yesterday.