Saturday, December 20, 2008

This and that

This morning at the bakery a client asked me if I wanted tea. She handed me a parcel of fruit tea. I thanked her. It was given to her, too, but she had too many teas at home, she told me. On my way home I thought that this woman was obviously better organised than me, as I have too many teas at home, too. No, I have not regretted to have taken the tea. I take it as a reminder to drink more tea.
Not enough with all the presents. E. wanted to give me another Christmas present this morning. So sweet. As if the PC wasn't enough. OK, I said, then I'd like to have the DVD by Ramesh S. Balsekar. He ordered it, even though he found the reviews not helpful. I think it makes sense to watch the DVD before going to India. I know, a DVD can never substitute a visit, it can be a preparation. A trip to Mumbai is on my goal list. I clearly see the contradiction. When my life is already predetermined it might be redundant to make goal lists to achieve. Nevertheless I think I will go on with the game "writing down my goals", even though deep inside I know if my goals become true or not is out of my own effort or control. It will happen or it won't happen. I am curious.

Back to what occupies me most and what is more important than another trip to India: My future job life. Money. In 2005 I founded a business which was more a skin than filled with real life. From time to time I could make some money as a freelancer, but not so much. Companies wanted to hire me as an employee and I always accepted this offer. Then my business was suffering. Now I am again at a crossroad. When I will get the job, I had the interview yesterday, I will work as a freelancer. This scares me. All the jobs as an employee didn't give me the safety I wanted to have. The promised safety never existed. In the last 10 years I had 6 different jobs. Life went on after each job. Till now I am not starving. I still have a life of a fastidious person. But the imagination that I will work totally free scares me. It would mean no 30 days of paid vacancies, no income in case of illness. I have to take care of my old pension on my own, which means that I have to earn much more money than an employee.

Despite the insecurities that a business means, to work for my own business is in my mind for a very long time. Not only because I never was hired for a long time, and I was fed up of often strange colleagues and bosses. I saw potential to work on my own. I got active in 2005, I didn't work during that time as I was preparing a test. I guess I read too many books on how to make a lot of money. All those who made a lot of money agree: It's almost not possible as an employee. But I also know that most of the SME's (small and medium-sized companies) have financial problems and the owner of them work like hell. I don't want to go into that trap to exploit myself even more than someone else could do. But I know that there are also potentials in having a business......The hope dies last obviously.
Jump and the net will appear once a reader commented.

Back down to earth: Money must come in for my sustenance as soon as possible as I want (and have) to stop living on my savings. They are thought for bad times or when I am really old (after 90).

What to do, what to do, this questions mortifies me. At the same time I know that I do not have to answer this question. Life will happen. I can relax. To know that I can relax and to relax are different things. In total I feel good. The tension that I feel from time to time, mixed with curiosity which changes sometimes to excitement are bearable and zest of life (ha, I remember my new vocabulary).

What's on my schedule today:
I have to do some shopping's: I need wrapping paper. Then I can wrap the presents.
Cleaning is on my schedule, too.
I will have to knit, I want to read.

And of course I will have time to do yoga. Enough, enough.

(Oh, such a long post - mind seems to be in trouble.)

9 comments:

Andrew said...

"All life is the play of universal forces. The individual gives a personal form to these universal forces. But he can choose whether he shall respond or not to the action of a particular force. Only most people do not really choose - they indulge the play of the forces."
- Sri Aurobindo

Andrew said...

Namaste U,
Two additional videos are up on you tube, search apyogadance
A

Andrew said...

Regarding free will versus predetermined destiny, may I suggest that you study the Bhagavad Gita, "Essays On The Gita" by Sri Aurobindo.

Ursula said...

Hi Andrew,

Ohhhh, I love your videos. Of course it is a surprise to see the woman dancing at the end of the first video. The colors of the clothes and the dance are ravishing. Love it.

It's surely an adventure to drive with a motorcycle through India. I have not seen much about the countryside, I see in your video that it is an amazing country.
Thanks for showing them.

So far I haven't read anything by Sri Aurobindo. He seems to share the same view like some of the other "awakened" (Balsekar, Nadeem, McKenna, to name only a few who are still on this earth).

My life is a bit exciting: I don't know what will come, but something must come. I will be the first to know what will come next.

But now I go on with the "Footsteps". Oh mei it is an exciting book without doubt. To approach history via an autobiography is most interesting. I was not conscious about the cruelty to that described extent in the countries of the East (after the war).

Namaste
U

Andrew said...

:-)

Ursula said...

I have also a book recommendation for you: It is "Notes from Underground" by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

It's a very spiritual book, not very long and it is unlikely that you have already read this book of this Russian author. Perhaps I am wrong with the last remark. The book is worth reading. I haven't decluttered it. It might happen that I will read it a second time.

U

Anna said...

Ursula - we are in the same place, exactly - except I don't have a real idea of what I could do freelance. I think proofreading? teaching English as a foreign language? and so forth (anything where I could get an income stream no matter where I live as I want to leave the UK!) My mind goes round and round and I think, "I can't choose because that might be the wrong thing (like university lecturer was the wrong thing :-)

Andrew said...

Thank you very much, I shall read the Notes.

Ursula said...

Hi Anna,
It's always more difficult to start with anything when out of the working process. It's easier to go from one job to the other. It's easier to know what needs improvement. To start something from nothing is most demanding.

Everywhere in the world people need to learn English. Chineese probably won't be the language we will speak everywhere in a few decades or so. In my opinion it will be English. Why? Because of the IT and internet, which is English dominated.

In China they want to learn English, you can build a business with many English schools spread about China. Just an idea. I think I read it in one of the books by Jim Rogers, who was in China himself.
If you work only as a teacher earning will be limited.

Do you have preferences where you want to go when you want to leave England?
Once you wrote "we", so I thought you have a partner? (I hope this question is not too private.)

Our both life will be interesting in the next year. This will keep us young.

A decade ago I started learning accounting, because I always feared that I wouldn't have an income one day and with accounting I thought this is unlikely. What I see it's rather easy to get something new, so my decision was right. Nevertheless I am ready for new adventures. For the time being I am not so fearfull that I won't be able to earn a living. That's a great relief for me.

I will do brainstorming before new year. I like doing this.
Barbare Sher is a very good author with ideas how to handle our issues. Perhaps you know her.

Have a wonderful day and a relaxing time.

Ursula