Not enough with all the presents. E. wanted to give me another Christmas present this morning. So sweet. As if the PC wasn't enough. OK, I said, then I'd like to have the DVD by Ramesh S. Balsekar. He ordered it, even though he found the reviews not helpful. I think it makes sense to watch the DVD before going to India. I know, a DVD can never substitute a visit, it can be a preparation. A trip to Mumbai is on my goal list. I clearly see the contradiction. When my life is already predetermined it might be redundant to make goal lists to achieve. Nevertheless I think I will go on with the game "writing down my goals", even though deep inside I know if my goals become true or not is out of my own effort or control. It will happen or it won't happen. I am curious.
Back to what occupies me most and what is more important than another trip to India: My future job life. Money. In 2005 I founded a business which was more a skin than filled with real life. From time to time I could make some money as a freelancer, but not so much. Companies wanted to hire me as an employee and I always accepted this offer. Then my business was suffering. Now I am again at a crossroad. When I will get the job, I had the interview yesterday, I will work as a freelancer. This scares me. All the jobs as an employee didn't give me the safety I wanted to have. The promised safety never existed. In the last 10 years I had 6 different jobs. Life went on after each job. Till now I am not starving. I still have a life of a fastidious person. But the imagination that I will work totally free scares me. It would mean no 30 days of paid vacancies, no income in case of illness. I have to take care of my old pension on my own, which means that I have to earn much more money than an employee.
Despite the insecurities that a business means, to work for my own business is in my mind for a very long time. Not only because I never was hired for a long time, and I was fed up of often strange colleagues and bosses. I saw potential to work on my own. I got active in 2005, I didn't work during that time as I was preparing a test. I guess I read too many books on how to make a lot of money. All those who made a lot of money agree: It's almost not possible as an employee. But I also know that most of the SME's (small and medium-sized companies) have financial problems and the owner of them work like hell. I don't want to go into that trap to exploit myself even more than someone else could do. But I know that there are also potentials in having a business......The hope dies last obviously.
Jump and the net will appear once a reader commented.
Back down to earth: Money must come in for my sustenance as soon as possible as I want (and have) to stop living on my savings. They are thought for bad times or when I am really old (after 90).
What to do, what to do, this questions mortifies me. At the same time I know that I do not have to answer this question. Life will happen. I can relax. To know that I can relax and to relax are different things. In total I feel good. The tension that I feel from time to time, mixed with curiosity which changes sometimes to excitement are bearable and zest of life (ha, I remember my new vocabulary).
What's on my schedule today:
I have to do some shopping's: I need wrapping paper. Then I can wrap the presents.
Cleaning is on my schedule, too.
I will have to knit, I want to read.
And of course I will have time to do yoga. Enough, enough.
(Oh, such a long post - mind seems to be in trouble.)