Books console me.
Feelings went up and down this evening. I even felt very alone. Even this feeling changed. It is weak now, it does not threaten me. My feelings change so fast. Every morning before I do yoga I say to myself: I'm not my feelings. Does this show consequences? Perhaps I cannot take my feelings serious anymore, that's why they change so fast? If nobody believes in a lie, I'm likely not to repeat it. I don't know. Yes, alone this evening, very alone.
At home again (after dinner in the Italian restaurant), I was looking for a quote in the book by Balsekar "The one in the mirror".:
Page 50: Human life is essentially lonely: an old bachelor is no more lonely than a young one; a bachelor no more lonely than a man with a wife whom he dislikes; a man with a wife whom he dislikes no more lonely than a man with a wife whom he loves; a man with a wife no more lonely than a man with a harem.
The only man who is not lonely is the one who is forever in harmony with the 'other'. And the only man who is in harmony with the 'other' is the one who has, by the grace of God, been able to accept that everything happens - according to the Cosmic Law - and is never the deed done by any individual entity.
I'm so confused. I must change my whole thinking.
Bf is planning weekend trips for us in March and April. I should stop with my sentimentality. Shoo shoo away. Bed time. I'm relaxed. And I'm looking forward to sleep.
I must stop writing about my feelings. They change too fast. Good night.