I planned to take everything easy today. I didn't like to hurry through my spiritual exercises only to be 1 or 2 hours earlier at the office.
The book "The secret power within - Zen solutions to real problems" by Chuck Noris fell into my hand yesterday evening. He described how difficult it was in ancient Japan to be accepted in a monastery. When they let students in they often ignored them, let them sit in a corner. Students got tasks, they weren't able to do. No explanations were given.
This was supposed to be the preparation for life.
Exactly my situation. I have tasks that are almost not doable (at least not for me), I'd need more explanations and more time. Can it be that my job is a Zen exercise? Instead of living in a monastery I can also work in a huge company - the structure of the tasks are the same. Let's see how I will handle this. It's an exciting movie to observe, isn't it? The end is not yet predictable.
But seldom I was left alone in my life, perhaps in my childhood. I know of course times where I was desperate, but after a while I always got help in form of people that crossed my way, or books (behind every book is a human being as well), or in form of new thoughts that flew into my mind. This happened also yesterday. I was so exhausted, but just before I had to cry, before tears were rolling down my cheeks, a colleague came and she did the job for me. And in the evening the same thing happened again. Another colleague came and helped me. Perhaps my desperation is seen by everyone.
Sitting: I can stand silence. This was not always the case. I remember a time where I always needed distraction. Nevertheless I scratched a lot in the beginning, but then suddenly it became a beautiful time on my cushion. I sat and the breath had found an even rhythm that led me through the practice. If this happens 15 min are over much too quickly.