Friday, November 30, 2007
I must trust myself that I can make a lot of money on my own. But I'm not sure if this is the right thinking. To give means to get. What can I give? That's the question.
And I also know I cannot run away from myself.
The Christmas market was a Greece restaurant. They played loud music. There was really a good atmosphere there. I enjoyed 2 ouzos and I enjoyed the people, who were in a good mood.
I mustn't forget that I want to be free, that's my ultimate goal, nothing else. I have so much fears to rely on myself only. I'm not fair, I know this.
Oh, I should write about nicer things. My colleagues have noticed that the "conversation" with the boss was not the most friendliest one, yesterday. Even though I really appreciated his approach. I love honest words. I have no bad feelings towards the situation, not at all. I digress: all my colleagues were nice to me today. I observed this with an inner smile, because I felt well all the time.
What will I do now with the remaining time? I will plan the next year. I have already started. It's fun to plan.
Then I prepared my breakfast, banana with soy yogurt and another cup of coffee. I sat on my black mat and ate. I like it to sit on the floor. When I sit on chairs I have most of the time my legs crossed on the chair. Who invented chairs?
Pick nick on my mat was nice. I read a bit. And soon time was over.
Plan for today:
-I have to work rather intensively in order to accomplish what I have to. I need endurance.
-In the evening I will go to a huge Christmas market with E.. We will have dinner there. For me it will be Falafel. And of course the Glühwein season will be opened for us. At least one of this beverage I want to have each year.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Meditation was something I'd name meditation. I sat on the floor on my cushion and breathed. Thoughts came and disappeared, while I was observing the theatre. Inside I was calm.
Yoga was intensive. My body was flexible. Any highlights? No, I don't think so. After yoga nidrasana I get weak. That's my limit. I have almost no strength anymore to do tittibasana. I gave my body a break re urdhva dhanurasana. It was rather intensive yesterday and the body deserved it to relax. Urdhva dhanurasana is difficult in the morning.
Best of all: an Ashtanga studio opened in Munich (http://www.yogabase.de/ ). I can't believe it. I even considered to go this evening at 8:15 p.m.. If I cannot go due to my work and because it's so late I plan to go on Saturday. Last year I missed such a studio so much. This year I'm very enthusiastic about this studio, but I feel that it has no more that importance. My own practice at home flourished. I know that I will practice more often alone than in a studio. Nevertheless, I can't wait to go to the new studio. I'm curious about the adjustments of the owner. Will he have the same body feeling like B.? There is always something new to discover. :)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I wanted to forget that this was my last holiday today and I will probably have to work 10 hours tomorrow,
I wanted to forget that I wasted so much time today,
and so I practiced in the here and now, very happy. I listened to my deep even breath and that was it. It made me light-hearted, but focused at the same time.
My last Mysore class for this year was excellent. My body was soft. I could hold the wrist in mari c and d, dhanurasana was excellent, too. Six people were in class today, 2 men, 4 women. There was much energy in the room. I enjoyed every moment.
I'm very pleased that E. wants to meet me to practice in one of the yoga studios or to do something else. I like people, that's what I experienced today again. I like to exchange ideas, I like to see the self-portrayal of other people. To meet people is great fun for me.
And now I will still do some self-reflexion (how I lived my day today) and then I will go to bed. I'm so astonished how serious I take my moods and changing feelings. They still shatter me. Now I'm high. I feel good. River deep, mountain high. I'm not yet a good neutral observer, but it will come like urdhva dhanurasana, I'm so optimistic now. Haha.
Why do I damned not do what I have to do - to update my own accounting, to prepare my tax declaration. The tax office will assess me. I missed already all the deadlines. I speak of the tax declaration 2006. I seem not to be able to do it. Now I have 2 more hours today only to start. So much resistance is felt. I feel so weak towards these inner laziness.
It's my last day off for this year - and I sleep. This drives me crazy, too. Oh, how nice I feel the energy.
And now I start, I only have to start. I know, then I will go on. I know how it is. This can all not be possible. I want to shoot me to the moon, one-way ticket.
I must laugh now, but it's a desperate laugh. Enough now. I want to start. :)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I answer to myself: In order to listen to the holy spirit. I know, always these strange words. But there is an answer for all the questions - inside everybody. This I feel somehow.
This evening is party time. B. invited me to an opening of a law firm round the corner. For a long time I haven't been at such an event. The outer world has always something to distract me, some pleasures. How nice. (Holy spirit must wait. :))
Ashtanga Yoga: I started with the CD by Sharath. But as it is Tuesday today, second series day, I switched off the CD player after the standing sequence and I went on on myself.
After pincha mayurasana I had no power anymore. Also the second series is rather demanding.
I reflected how I can build more strength. I found the book by Lino Miele yesterday. It's interesting, that each pose starts with samasthiti. At the end of each pose is a full vinyasa. This would build strength. I have no time to do it during the week. It would be also too much, but I can do so on the weekends. There are always challenges.
Some frustration came up when I noticed that I was so weak.
Some frustration came up when I noticed that my leg does not stay behind my head.
"Be patient", I told me. Yoga is a mental exercise: not to give up, not to think "I will never be able to do it", to take it easy and be committed at the same time, that's it.
The body was willing to practice. What else do I wish??
Meditation: I'm still too occupied with the right seat. I did the 20 minutes.
Not to be so fast distracted, to be focused that's still my challenge.
I see that I got already better. I.e. I remember a year ago or so most of the time I wanted to practice with music. This would disturb me now. I want to listen to my breath. I enjoy the silence when I practice.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
There are much more tourists on the island than original inhabitants. Most of the tourists are German or British. They are seeking the sun and there was sun.
I must remember:
Men can have strong arms (with which they could carry me around), a nice ass or exciting body hair and not only teeth.
Women can walk interestingly, they can have fancy clothes and a curious look and not only teeth.
At home the bill from the dentist was already in my mail-box: 1059,-- Euro. It's worth it. I look much better and I can bite again. And that's something.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Sitting: A bit distracted. To sit is not a passive thing, but active. It's action in fact. To bring the mind back to the breath needs energy. I almost forgot it today, what I want to do when I sat. But then I reminded: to let go of the thoughts, to get back to the breath. 20 min were over much too fast.
Ashtanga: Only the very first surya namaskara was stiff. Then I had a slow pleasant practice.
Dinner will be in Gran Canary this evening. Excitement is felt, too, but definitely another excitement than this of the last days.
I must hurry.
Friday, November 16, 2007
And now I go to bed. It was again a day that needed all my attention.
Dentist wanted to cement it. This was clear for me. And me too, I can make decisions and now it's in my mouth, cemented. It didn't hurt at all, not a little bit. All the fears of pain were in vain.
I look into every mirror and smile. My face, my teeth are still strange to me. It's so much better, much brighter and it fits. I will post a picture. Perhaps E. takes some nice one on our vacation.
I consider to give up black tea and coffee. I don't want that my real teeth get darker so that again a difference in the colors develops.
My knees were trembling the entire day. I had the entire day adrenalin in my blood. I feel a bit insecure now. But I'm sure I will loose it and I will forget my teeth soon.
What a relief.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
And yesterday it was not at all sure that my teeth would be nice. And then I saw that I was again in a trap, the trap "if.... then". To have conditions means blackmail.
Either I'm happy or not. Either I'm able to be relaxed or not (no matter how the circumstances are). Either I'm able to love or not.
Regarding my teeth I buried all negative feeling. I only hope now that I will like the result tomorrow. I know I will be able to stand the pain when the dentist will cement the teeth.
On the way to the dentist I thought of a friendly sentence in case I wouldn't like the teeth.
They were better than yesterday, but not good at all. The dentist was the same opinion like me.
So I took the teeth and I went to the dental technician. Then the next man saw me almost teethless. It's not nice. The technician corrected the form and the form should be OK now. Of course he must see the person he is working for.
Only the color is not yet OK, also not after the second try. I would have always described the color of my theeth as milky. The technician even described it more precisely: it is as if one pours water into milk. The color is transparent and deep. And so it is, it's not at all yellow, it's watery-milky. Tomorrow I will go to him again and he will show me his new work. If I do no like it, I will make him change it again. I'm more optimistic now than this morning. I'm glad.
Both do excellent work - the dentist and the dental technician. But it's not easy to copy nature.
When I left the house this morning I was quite, this was good.
At the age of 20 the tooth break and I got my first implant, which was not good work. The tooth was darker than the others. From then on each time when I changed the dentist I could hear: "Oh, I can make this better." With implants dentist make money. Fact is: the new implant was always better, but only for some time.
In the last years the remaining root couldn't hold the implant very well anymore. The tooth started wobbling and soon it started falling out slowly, then it was longer than the others. Since years I cannot bite in an apple anymore. I always loved this, but I feared that the tooth would fall out. In the last year it got so awful, that I went to the dentist.
In the beginning of the year the last step started. The dentist had to pull the tooth, a bridge was the next step - 3 implants. And that's what I get now. Beside that this procedure is humiliating and painful, but this I can all stand, the most difficult thing is to get teeth that are nice and fit.
After getting the interim solution in the beginning of the year I even started lisping a bit (E. didn't hear it, but me). What a horror. Sometimes people asked me what I've said, even though I articulate very well and clearly.
The teeth that were produced and that we tested yesterday had the wrong color, were too long and had the wrong form. It looked ugly. To shorten them is possible, to give them another color is possible. Dental technician must be artists, but often they are technicians. Today I shall see what they have corrected and then I have to make the difficult decision, if I want to live with these teeth the next decades. A difficult decision.
The plan: I want to stay quite today, if I don't like them, I won't take them. I'm conscious, that I risk that when they correct it again, that it can get worse.
Sitting: I didn't like to do it. But then I got curious, how it would be. "Today it's good to sit," I thought. As soon as I sat I couldn't stop crying, full of self-pity. I know that there are worse things in life, this didn't console me. I left the cushion but returned. Then I sat much quiter, but somehow absent.
Heart starts beating again. I hope so much that I make the right decision today.
Bf doesn't care about my teeth. He is happy when I hug him, when I'm friendly, when I cook something for him. He thinks I'm too critical, but I'm not.
PS: Of course I take a lot of care of my teeth. After each meal I brush my teeth, even at work. After lunch I go to the restrooms and clean them. When colleagues come in, I stop brushing and wait till they leave the restroom. I don't want to brush my teeth in front of them. But I never forget it after every meal. Of course I have all the products our economic system produces: electric tooth brush, floss, water pick. But all this won't turn back the clock.
How my heart can beat, I had forgotten it. I'm so nervous.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I have to go to the dentist again, hopefully the last time. Last time the dentist told me that 50 % of the people didn't want an injection, 50 % want one. In the last week I looked at the people in the subway and I thought: Every second can stand the pain. I know that I also can stand pain, so I told the dentist that I didn't like another injection. An injection hurts, too by the way. 2 min of pain await me, 2 min is nothing. The people moan out of pain, this is embarrassing. I don't want to do that.
I'm so afraid. That's how fear is, it's unreal. In the here and now everything is cosy. My cup of coffee was very good, I heated the rooms, so it's warm in here and I can hear the even breath of E..
Yoga can be practiced at the dentist today: retention of the senses. I used to focus on my right or left toe. This helped me all the time. And this I will do today, too.
The roofs of the houses are white again, so it must have snowed this night.
I'm such a sissy.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
I better go to bed with a novel (and not with spiritual literature). I'm fed up with the question "Who am I?". I also know that I'm not my thoughts.
Tomorrow real life awaits me in form of my dentist. Till now I could successfully avoid to think of it. But now slowly fears come up - that's why the novel is perhaps not such a bad idea.
Only 2 min of pain awaits me. How it will bring me in the here and now. :)
Kapotasana: I try now to push me up from the floor. I prefer to have flow. I don't want to go to the wardrobe in order to do this pose. It's like with urdhva dhanurasana in my opinion. It's easier in the beginning to lift the body up while lying on the floor.
Pincha mayurasana: I tried it several times to get a feeling for this pose. Here I need the wardrobe.
It's always good to have practiced, even though not every practice makes me believe that I make progress.
My last pose is under the shower, it's uttanasana. I bend forward, one hand is testing the water. When it's warm enough, I go out of the pose and shower.
On expectations: I thought I do not have a lot of expectation, but what I see is that I have a lot. It's a thinking habit like judging, always present.
I expect that my alarm clock goes on in the morning. I expect that salespeople at the bakery are friendly to me. I expect that all people are friendly to me. I expect that people do not remain behind the door in the subway, when others want to get in. I expect that my colleagues greet me, at least when I have greeted them first.
At work I expect that the coffee is ready and that the cups are washed.
There are a lot of expectations towards my bf. I want him to refill my glass of wine first in the restaurant. Most of the time he refills his glass first. I expect him to pay and so on.
I expect that I get an answer when I write an Email, even though I, myself do not answer all the time.
The highest expectations I have towards me. I want to be perfect to make it short. I expect me to be concentrated 9 hours at work. I never want to be tired. I expect not to make mistakes and so on.
I can be so glad that my expectations never get fulfilled. Life is so much more exciting when there are surprises. It shows possibilities. Isn't it so much more fun, when colleagues do not greet.
Not to expect so much, but to be curious what happens next is so much more interesting. All these expectations are the wish to make everything predictable. It is as if I think that I cannot handle new situations, but I know I can.
To have expectations also means to get disappointed. Expectations get fulfilled sometimes, but often not. To be disappointed is a waste of energy and time. I think I have better things to do. To stay curious, open, observing what happens is a so much better attitude.
No expectations today.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I don't want to be an office hero. I will accept the help of my colleague, who came to me in the afternoon offering support for tomorrow. Thank you, thank you, you are an angel, even though a man. Men can be angels, too. I should not generalize, but there are a few. :)
I'm still full of energy. What to do now? Ha, what to do with this energy?
Urdhva dhanurasana was surprisingly good today. The arms were almost straight, when I was up, and it was in the morning.
Thoughts came up, emotions, too. Be detached, I tell me all the time. It's not you, it's a thought, it's a feeling. It comes and goes and a few hours later you do not even remember.
My bf makes me crazy. I won't interrupt anymore my yoga practice 5 times to wake him up and he never gets up. Another 15 min, another 15 min, he needs. I see it already, that he will get up exactly when I want to take my shower. I already told him that I will wake him up 2 times and not 5 times from today on. But I'm not very reliable re this promise. I vaguely remember, that I've already told him this not only twice.
Do I not have more important things to right? Yesterday I saw me already observing everything relaxed, being amused about everything. And now I'm again touched by stupid things.
What's better to get angry about my bf because he does not get up, when I wake him up or to feel fear because I think I'm not able to do my job?
To observe everything and to laugh about the theatre life: this is my humble goal for today.
Emotions are pure energy. The reasons for my feelings already disappeared, faded away, I forgot them. The energy remained. Now I only have to use it in a way that makes sense.
Other people can never be a reason for my feelings. My feelings are my own responsibility.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
At home again I wrote my last page in my journal - reflexions of the day. At least I sat on the floor, where I always sit and did pranayama for a few minutes. No wrong expectations came up. I just sat there, did uddjay breathing first while sitting in lotus pose. Then I did alternate nostril breathing.
The bed is waiting for me now and I'm tired.
That's how it is, we think all the time, but we do not think about thinking.
We have to learn all the time, but we do not think about how to learn.
Like the body, the mind can be trained as well. To have a well-groomed body and a well-groomed mind is pure beauty.
The body can get ill, the mind can be distracted and get lost in daydreaming.
We have to take care of the body and the mind.
The body needs good food and exercise and from time to time a break.
The mind needs a task.
2. niyama - behaviour towards ourselves
5. pratyhara - withdrawal of the senses
6. dharana - concentration
7. dhyana - meditation
8. samadhi - self-awareness
I could already write a novel on each and every point.
The book by Matthew Sweeney ( a wonderful, helpful book) was on my sofa. It served as a cheat sheet.
I tried Dwi pada Sirsasana. I got totally confused. I didn't know anymore which one was the left foot, which one the right foot. I tried to pull the left leg with the right hand in the direction where it is supposed to be according the pose. But which foot was the right one. My legs don't stay behind my head, I must hold them. That's perhaps the very next step to manage to keep the leg behind the head without holding it with the hand. How to learn this? I will visit ezboard.
Tittibasana: When I finally came to tittibasana I was already exhausted. I had no more so much strength like in the beginning of the practice so it was a rather sloppy performance. But I tried it.
Mayurasana: I never liked this pose from the first time I saw it (25 years ago). I think it's a pose for men, not for women. I went on.
The following poses were done humble, too. I felt weak and frustrated. Finally I thought: now savasana is coming. This is at least a pose I'm able to do. Then I remembered that to relax is one of the most difficult poses for me. This made me laugh again. Up and down, up and down, so it is all the time. I was only a bit attached to my upcoming feelings. A good portion of humor accompanied my feelings.
Next time it is probably better, then it gets worse, then better. That's how it is. Still stand is only at the cemetery.
Rereading my description of my Sunday morning practice I see how many likes/dislikes/feelings/thoughts I have expressed - all thinking habits. They are learned during life and never questioned. They limit the event life and my practice. Why am I frustrated when doing a new pose and when I'm not able to do it "perfectly" the first time I do it? It's imaginable that joy can come up, because I have discovered something new that I can learn. It's really better not to identify with upcoming feelings and thoughts.
It's not worth the trouble to ask where I have learned to react or feel in a given way, but to be attentive in the here and now is worth doing. To be conscious about the feelings and thoughts in order to be able to say "hello" and "good-by, I'm not interested in you anymore" is worth doing. It's liberating, isn't it?
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Then thoughts about yoga came up. What is yoga? Very basic, indeed. I remembered that yoga is also pranayama. I concentrate on my breath during yoga. It became a focus almost every day. Why not doing pranayama separately in the evening for 5 min or 10 min or so.
In the western world we focus so much on the asanas. We want to see results, beautiful results, spectacular results.
I don't want to forget pranayama either. One thought leads to another thought. Now I think that I must find work where I can make more money, but work less. This I want for years. This could be a real task for my distracted mind: setting goals, deadlines, planning actions and so on.
And the shower will change everything again, because then I will try not to get angry, because the warm water is not yet adjusted correctly.
The cold water will bring me back in the here and now. That's always good. Cold water.
I even went downtown to buy the new tax laws. It was snowy, the wind was so strong that I couldn't use an umbrella. But I made it to the bookstore and now I have these heavy books here. I need them for my work. I need support from all sides.
I'm so optimistic today.
It's one of my most interesting journeys.
But looking out of the window I'm glad that exactly in a week I will be in the air flying to Gran Canary, Spain.
Flow was not experienced today. My focus was more to be in the asanas, to hold them, to feel them and enjoy them. I didn't omit a single asana and I didn't classify them in nice ones and not so nice once. They were all appreciated alike.
Ambitious was felt. I didn't gave up till I could hold the wrist in mari c and d. Two attempts were necessary.
I tried supta kurmasana several times as well. I leaned against the sofa and tried to bring the legs behind the head. The difficulty is that they do not stay there. As soon as I do not hold one leg with my hand anymore it automatically goes out of the position.
I can hook the fingers behind the back now, but the legs are not crossed above my head.
Urdhva dhanurasana: The pictures of Vanessa were a great help. I walked my hands to my feet today again. This is a step in the right direction and finally I will manage it to get up. To stretch and strengthen the legs is a secret. It will come.
And between all these efforts my mind started daydreaming. It's such a bad habit. Last time at Mysore class I mentioned in a side sentence: "Do you also know this daydreaming, but there is only one life that can be lived - it is in the here and now." Someone answered: "I have invented them. "So I know other people are daydreaming, too, but this doesn't console me.
At least I know now where a lot of my precious time is going. I make efforts to stop this daydreaming. Looking closer at them, I find them embarrassing. I wrote some of them in my journal, but only to see how useless and even awful some of them are. This shall motivate me to stop them. My attitude towards these dreams changed. I cannot find positive aspects anymore in them also not in the "nice" ones. It's not brainstorming, it's not that I'm creative, or that I find new goals. It's only life avoiding. I'm a bit astonished about the dimension of this activity of my mind. So herewith the goal of the day is even written down: to stop daydreaming, whenever I notice it and however.
I've almost forgotten: Sitting was wonderful today. I was quite, didn't move a lot, was relaxed and in peace with myself. 10 min I was sitting in lotus pose, 10 min with crossed legs.
Friday, November 09, 2007
I left work on time, I couldn't work anymore. I must find ways to work better and longer, till the citron has no juice anymore (just a joke).
Cold it is, but my flat is always warm. It's weekend, how I like it.
Sitting: 10 min with crossed legs, 10 min in lotus pose. Breath was quite, I focused on inhaling, exhaling and the move of the belly. Many different thoughts came up and I had some trouble not to be attached to it. Feelings: I enjoyed the sitting.
Yoga: I was not so strong today. I jumped back the easy way, without lifting the body up first. Urdhva dhanurasana was very difficult this morning. There is a huge difference in the morning and in the evening. Today I didn't hold the pose, but I lifted myself up 3 times. Good was, that I didn't leave the mat. I took a few breathing breaks, but I stayed on the mat. Focus was the breath.
To remember: The advertising industry is my role model. They know how to talk to people. The intention is clear. Sales shall go up. The way, how they do it is via: pictures, movies and repetition, repetition, repetition.
To remember and to repeat the own goals is so important, otherwise they get lost. New wishes and goals come up. They get lost and forgotten, too. The next day another idea appears at the horizon and so on. T0 repeat, to remember oneself in writing of the own goals is so important. And I remember my goals every day, perhaps still not often enough.
And now I have to find a good attitude towards my job and how I will handle all these demanding tasks. Breath by breath?
Thursday, November 08, 2007
It's so much to do, and many things are still new. I know working methods, I have to apply it. To see the challenge, the possibilities to grow with more demanding tasks, this shall my attitude and joy. I prefer challenges rather than boredom. But sometimes it's difficult to see this.
Pincha mayurasana: I went up and down, up and down very fast. I changed the legs that pushed me up and suddenly I was up and I could hold the pose rather long without having touched the wardrobe first. When I went down I shouted loudly out of joy: super, super.
When I was under the shower my bad habit, that is to dream myself away from my beautiful life, started again. I really ask me who ever told me to think such strange things, that I imagine. Have I seen too many bad movies? It's embarrassing. It needs courage to look at myself. The positive self-image is wobbling.
What next? Breakfast, making the bed, doing a wire transfer, setting some goals for the day.
And at eight I have to wake up E., who is still in Spain.
Here it is November, cold and rainy. I go to work with boots. In the afternoon I feel rather warm in these boots. Then I put them off and I walk around in socks. Without shoes I can sit on my chair with crossed legs. This is very comfortable for me. I don't ask myself if this makes a good impression.
Oh, my second cup of coffee must be ready.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
I concentrated on the breath during the practice.
During work I was concentrated, too. I was rather content with me today. Not everything is done, but I will have to live with it.
Ashtanga yoga: In the beginning I was more concentrated that later. Later I even wanted to stop. I stayed about 1 hour on my mat. I did even urdhva dhanurasna, sirsasana and savasana. My arms got stronger, sometimes I admire my arms. I can feel muscles there. As already said, the beginning was great, the end was more distracted and accompanied with thoughts, which had nothing to do with yoga.
During the day I will again watch my reality movie "Me in the world". I hope this is interesting enough so that I do not dream myself away. My major role today will be that of an accountant, and then ha that of an Ashtanga student, practicing Mysore style.
I'm looking forward to the Mysore class this evening. My intention will be again to focus on the breath. I know that the group will help me.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The human problem is that we are identified with thoughts, feelings, body, lifestyle, tastes, likes, dislikes. Some call this Ego. The identification with the image about us and the world leads to suffering as everything is changing. Not to indentify, being detached is the difficult task.
This must be understood, experienced on the spiritual path.
Life always means pain. Diseases, death, getting older means life, but being detached means not to add suffering. And I must go again to the dentist next week. I shouldn't add fear to the pain that will come.
How to get to experience this fundamental knowledge? Here the masters do not agree anymore. Many recommend meditation (the recommendation how the position of the hands is supposed to be, can be very different). Some recommend yoga, self-observation, pranayama, dynamic meditation, koans.
One of the goals is again the same, whatever I read: Life shall be embraced how it is, the pain and happiness alike.
And soon my cushions on my bed will embrace me. They have no choice, I will through my body on them and then I will fall asleep. I guess that this will happen very fast.
I never have the feeling that I oppress anything when I'm focused on the breath while doing yoga. It opens spaces. Going with the breath intensifies the practice. This I also want for my meditation practice.
After work I had to buy a piece of bread. At home I changed clothes, I had dinner and switched on the heater. I asked myself how my day was and I wrote about it. This reflexion gives me the feeling that I really had a day. I can see if I was able to do what I intended.
I'm not sure If I will be able to do yoga now. I will do some chores and I will read a bit. This was it. I wished I had still more energy now.
It's a November day. It's cold and rainy.
I started to sandwich my day. In the evening I'm writing another page, yesterday I wrote 3 pages, where I reflect on the day. This is a very good exercise.
I must dress. Doing it consciously it becomes a spiritual exercise, too.
There was time for sitting meditation. I struggle with the right seat. Lotus is perhaps the best seat, but I can not yet be in lotus for 20 min. It's amazing how difficult it can be to stay with the breath. Today I had a rather quite time, somehow I felt also quite, satisfied. So was my sitting.
Ashtanga yoga: The breath remembered me again of the sea. The sound is good. I also remembered to trust the body, to see what a miracle the body is. To be balanced in utthita hasta padanghastasana was difficult. In other words I wobbled while doing this pose. I thought: Will I ever be able to do pincha mayurasana. This example of a thought tells me again how important it is to take care of thoughts. The mentioned thought leads to nothing.
Sometimes I ask myself if other people make themselves to a topic like I do it (even though I'm already so old). Then I'm in the subway and I think that when they do not do it, they should. I see people who struggle with alcohol, food. I look in unhappy, frustrated faces. Then I think: I will go on and look at myself, getting to know what I do with me and my life, the only one I will have.
Monday, November 05, 2007
My tea must be drinkable now. I must eat something.
After my 2 morning pages I practiced the first Ashtanga series with much energy. A deep breath accompanied me. I focus on the breath almost every day, but I can also see that the asanas improve:
Supta kurmasana gets better. I can bind my fingers easily. Only the feet can not cross behind the head. That's why I added an asana today. I put my foot behind the head, while sitting. I can only put one foot after the other behind the head, but this exercise improved as well.
Garbha pindasana was good as well. The hands were in the right position today. Only my middle fingers couldn't reach the ears. Within 5 breaths one should be rolled in a circle according to the CD by Sharath. I needed 7 times of rolling till I had done one round and I could lift up into kukkutasana.
Urdhva dhanurasana: I lifted me up three times. That was enough.
Does yoga make peaceful? Not in my case. I woke up today and I was already so aggressive. It was so difficult to shoo the accompanying thoughts away. All thoughts circled around things in the past. I cannot even remember now what I thought, if I could, I wouldn't write about it. I was so glad that I could use this energy for the yoga practice. I had power, it was a dynamic practice. Each time, when I wanted to run away from the mat I intensified my breath and it helped me again to focus on the here and now. Finally under the shower, especially when the cold water ran down my body, I thought: It's energy, pure energy. I only have to use it in a useful sense. I have plans and a demanding job, chores that have to be done and and and. My aggression is pure energy. I hope I don't waste it in unnecessary thoughts and actions. I feel it it's pure energy, that can be transformed.
Intention of the day: to use my energy in a useful sense, being aware of what I think, feel and do.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
I have had already breakfast when I started with my practice. I waited a while after having eaten and then it was already lunch time. Who cares, it's Sunday.
I started with Sharath. His CD is a great help. After the standing sequence I switched off the CD and I practiced in silence on my own. Only my deep breath was heard. Focus was there, I was in the here and now. It was astonishingly easy today to take the leg behind the head. Progress comes, slowly, but it comes and it gives me the courage and the motivation to go on.
To be conscious during the day is difficult. The mind is so wild. It's so difficult to tame my mind. All the time it is somewhere else. I catch my thoughts, dreams and actions often too late, when they are already in full swing. But even then I can look at it and see what happens. It's never too late. And then I try to get back to the here and now. It's perhaps true: not the death must be feared, but not to live. Living unconsciously is like not living. I remind me so often to be aware of the now. And again I have to remind me. So it is. Everything needs practice. But even this difficult task improves.
Yoga was good for me. Now I can go on being focused off the mat, being aware of what I'm doing, thinking, feeling. I'm curious what I will know about it in the evening.
For the next 20 min I will go back to bed. The heater is again not working, it's cold here. I still need some warmth and some sleep.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
To reflect about my day while writing another page is new. It's very helpful. It works against the feeling that my life is running through my fingers.
I could remember very well what I did this day. My yoga practice was a highlight today. I was so in the here and now. I went with the breath.
Driving to the airport I was in the here and now, too. To drive a car is rather exciting for me, I have to pay attention what happens around me. The car itself needs my attention, too. This prevented me from feeling fear not to find the right gate and a parking space at the end of the drive. And I found the parking space at the right gate.
Waiting at the arrival (the flight had a huge delay) I was reading. Daydreaming started again during the reading breaks. It's a rather intensive bad habit from me. It serves nothing. And it is difficult to stop it. It's a greedy habit. It takes away a lot of time, time that I could use for any activity that makes sense for me. Somehow I must stop daydreaming.
Tomorrow I will have to get up early again in order to take E. to the airport. After that I will have time for my yoga. To stay in the here and now I can exercise anytime. But when I do yoga I do a very special effort to practice being in the here and now while concentrating on the breath.
Without any reason I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning I will drive E. again to the airport. Spain is the destination this time.
Then chores and tax declaration will be the activities which have to be done. Nothing else.
Tax declaration, tax declaration - this word shall not go out of my mind till it is done. Amen.
Oh, I found the perfect parking space close to terminal 2. Good.
This led to the decision to practice with the CD by Sharath. I wanted focus. I wanted me being concentrated on the mat. The CD is so fast that there is no room for a lot of thinking. I didn't stop the CD after mari c. I did the whole series with Sharath and it was one of my best practices with so many highlights.
- the breath was even and deep especially while doing utthita hasta padangusthasana. Here my thoughts, that my body is a column and that the breath goes up to the sky through this column and down to the earth again while exhaling, helps me a lot to stay quite. It is as if I become a column myself. I stay and stay, nothing can make me wobbling.
Breath was deep and even during the entire series, it is a great help.
- sirsasana: it was the first time that I could hold the pose 15 breathes with legs to the sky and 10 breaths with legs 90 degrees. I went up again after the last 10 breaths. I was trembling, but I didn't give up. I'm proud of myself.
- urdhva dhanurasana: I lifted myself up 3 times and held the pose 5 breaths. Each time it got better, doing it the third time my arms were even straight, even though it was in the morning.
Deep contentment I feel now - another good feeling. I'm so glad that I have found good feelings in my life, too. I didn't want to believe it the other day when I found myself being angry, feeling fear, being overwhelmed and exhausted, but nothing else. I'm relaxed now, this is a wonderful state of being, too. Is it a feeling? I don't know.
And now I'm looking forward to my bf. He didn't give up, he does not like to take a taxi. He wants me to pick him up at the airport. And I'm so afraid that I do not find the right gate. He has a present for me. I already know what it is. Ha, another good feeling.
I must hurry now when I want to have breakfast before driving to the airport and I am hungry now. Self-made jam, sunflower bread, another cup of coffee will be my breakfast.
Friday, November 02, 2007
I allow me to be tired now and not adventurous. A few pages I will read and then I will sleep.
When I get home, the first thing is that I change clothes. I put off my formal business clothes and I put on something comfortable.
From now on I want to write the 3rd page of my private journal when I come home. In the morning I do not have the time anymore to write 3 pages, I only write 2 pages. The reason: I needed time to sit. I sacrificed one page of my 3 morning pages in order to do my meditation.
So many to do lists are written, so many resolutions are made.
It's easy to cross out an item on a to-do list. It would be better to think further. How long did it take to finish the task? What was the motivation to start? What needs improvment? This is so important for my professional life. It' so demanding. I must get better. I must check or perhaps initiate my progress - conscioulsy.
Evenly important is my spiritual development. Do I remember in the evening what was the goal for the day. Did I like to focus on beeing detached or did I like to remember my thoughts. Do I still remember which feelings I had during the day. Where is the love in my life? Where are the good feelings? To know that I want to write about it in the evening is absolutely a motivation to remember the goals of the day during the day and in the evening. All simple tricks on a way to a more conscious life.
Tomorrow I will pick up E. at the airport. He is on his way back to Munich. But on Sunday the next business trip begins. And I'm so afraid that I do not find the gate where I can park his BMW.
There is still another appointment. He asked me, if I'd like an injection the next time. 50 % of the clients need one, 50% not. I said that I could stand the pain. He knew it. It is true. I can stand pain. Most clients lay on the chair and moan 2 min or so. One woman told him that she preferred to moan at night. This all tells me that it will be awful the next time, too. I will survive it. I hope I will not moan. No, please not.
This morning I had time for my 20 min sitting session. Scratching again, but not so many thoughts were observed. Between these distractions I followed the breath. Would a group pressure help me to stay quite, to stay motionless? On the other hand I think it shall come easily. Effort yes, but I don't want to force anything. To stand myself, that's what sitting is about, isn't it? Not giving the mind the daily distraction in form of music, letters, phone calls and so on. Just to sit, quite with nothing, only my self.
I made my breakfast to a meditation, too. I ate consciously my banana with sojayofu and raisins. Raisins were the special addition today. I sat on my sofa and ate it slowly. I gulped consciously and enjoyed my healthy breakfast and my Earl gray tea. Every beginning has an end. Afterwards I cleaned my cup, my spoon and my bowl in the kitchen under warm water.
Everything has a beginning and an end. I start my yoga practice rolling out my mat, I finish it with putting the mat in the corner. My meditation practice starts with putting the cushion on the floor and I finish it with bowing forward, putting the front on the floor, putting the cushion back on the sofa. I start work with using the time guard and I finish it the same way. Dinner starts with preparing food and it ends with cleaning the dishes.
Successfully I could avoid it to think of the dentist. Till now. But now I think of it. At once my heart rate goes up. About 1 and a half hour I will get tortured today. I have to go. I have to, it's part of my "taking responsibility program". Help. The injection, it will hurt, I don't want to go, but I will.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
I guess this is a post on motivation. Motivation is there, no doubt about it. I'm very motivated. Why?
The body: yoga is good for the body. I can see it in the form of muscles, a slim body, how I walk, how flexible I am. The body is important.
Certain abilities are learned like discipline, to make efforts, to focus.
Do I get to know myself, when I do yoga? I get to know nothing when I do not make it a topic, means I have to observe my approach, my habits, my thoughts, feelings while doing yoga. Then perhaps, doing yoga can give me some information about me. To generalize might be not adequate.
I see, that I can be rather disciplined, ambition is there, I'm rather distracted. Discontentment is felt from time to time, too, because I always want to be better. But discontentment motivates me.
Yoga can teach how to approach to life: staying relaxed, going to the edges, but not behind (there injuries are waiting). I can exercise to be detached, which is so important in life. Only the here and now counts. To focus on the breath is helpful on the mat and in real life.
OK, I found enough reasons for me to go on. It was not a question to stop. To remember the reasons for the practice is a good exercise. It can change and one can forgot it.
Back to the here and now: I have a huge to do list. I only want to mention my tax declaration. Today is the most perfect day to start it. :)
Several attempt (5 or so) were needed till I could do it.
I forgot to count.
I counted till 14.
Suddenly I noticed that I wasn't counting anymore because more interesting thoughts came up. Finally I made it after 5 min and as a reward I scratched myself on the head.
These easy tasks are so difficult for me. Concentration is what I want to learn, to use my mind and not to be used. And this is so difficult. Simple tasks only come along as simple task, but they are not.
Yoga: I only went till ardha matsyendrasana, the last twist in the middle of the second series. Body needed time to recover. Mysore class was very intensive yesterday. I don't think this is an excuse. I want and I have to work on my focus, my concentration. This is a very weak point.
Dawdling, dreaming happened this morning, too.
Back to the here and now, back to reality, the breath.