Thursday, May 31, 2007
On work: I worked very long. It was exhausting, but satisfying. I solved a few problems at the beginning of the day (this was courageous) and then I worked and worked and worked.
To E.: I bid for your book a few days ago. Today I don't want to check your 10 flights to Hawaii and back after 10 p.m.. You know why. I want to get up at 5 a.m. That's awful early. I have to sleep at 10 p.m.
31. May: A month is over again. It's time for fresh resolutions. Stress let me fall back into old patterns. Awareness shall help me. I don't want to suppress my feelings/exhaustion with too much food and booze. Point.
Friday: I have a plan for after work: yoga at the Jivamukti center and then English club.
Saturday: E. will be back, will give him some attention before his trip to Hawaii. No, my work can not compete with this trip.
I stared holes in the air. I was sleeping with open eyes this morning while sitting on my sofa. It was too early today. At 10 p.m. I was not yet in bed. I need at least 7 hours of sleep.
A few surya namaskaras were performed and it felt good. Then I sat down in padmasana for a few breaths. This was good, too. This morning is my moon day. It is as it is. It's not the end of the world when I have a lazy yoga day from time to time. Enlightenment can wait another day. Till then I will enjoy the stress at work.
Attitude for the day: there are no good or bad moments, there are only moments.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I haven't written my bills so far, preferred to daydream.
I even thought to celebrate the MOON Day tomorrow, feel so lazy.
Hopefully my mat will smile at me tomorrow morning, a few surya namaskaras are always possible and healthy
On the picture can be seen where I start my way to work, in the underground.
As I haven't written my invoices yesterday, I have to do it now. Damned. Time is running.
At least I did the suryas and some breathing in padmasana.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
OK, darling. I will stay awake. I see it makes you happy to get that book for a bargain. I will bid for you. At 10:30 I have to make a bid now. Let's see if I make the deal this evening.
A day later: It was much fun, E. in the car on the phone, I in front of the PC. Price went up in the last second, from 15 Euro to 91 Euro. I had entered 90. Bad luck. E. is not sad. He is no student anymore, he can buy new books.
I'm exhausted after work. I have still many questions and nobody seems to like to answer them. Then I sit in front of my problems and try to find a solution by my own. It takes time. At home I need energy. I should sleep instead of eating. At least the food is delicious.
Punishment for tomorrow morning: 5 surya namaskaras B (I always do 3, only in classes I do 5).
No more words on work. Work stopped an hour ago. Now I only have o write 3 bills for my work to get money for food, clothes, shelter, books and yoga classes.
When I started the practice, I was already sweaty. I didn't feel fresh. After the twists I gave up. I did a very short closing sequence (no headstand) and savasana. It total I practiced half an hour - half an hour pain and self-discipline.
It's rainy here today. That has a huge advantage. There won't be the need to role down the jalousie at work. E. will come for lunch before he will head for Hannover again. That's my highlight today. I hope that everything goes well at work. It is still rather demanding.
Monday, May 28, 2007
I don't know much about bandhas,
I don't know much about breathing,
I only know I like to live,
I don't know much about spirituality,
I don't know much about awakening,
I don't know much about the true self.
I only know I like to love,
I don't know much about self-realization,
I don't know much about meditation,
I don't know much about the here and now.
I only know it can be very good here on earth.
Just a reminder - a new version of the old Elvis Presley song.
I want to do second series till the end of this year.
The book by Matthew Sweeney is in front of me, I'm examining the postures of the second series:
Kapotasana: I indicate it, my hands can only touch the wardrobe. Why should I stop here, this pose is very intensive. It will take me years till I will be able to do it.
Eka pada sirsasana: Leg is sometimes behind the head, but I'm far away from the wished end resultat. If eka pada sirsasana is not possible, I think, I can forget Dwi pada sirsasana.
Yoga nidrasana is easier.
How to approach tittibasana? I must read on ezboard.
Pincha mayurasana can be exercised against the wall. If pincha mayurasana is not mastered, I think karandavasana is not possible.
But mayurasana is a pose I can try. Also nakrasana is a pose that seems doable.
Vatayanasana should be doable as well. I will watch a DVD to see how to enter this pose.
I'm looking forward to parighasana. I know that I can do Gomukhanasana and I want to try supta urdhva pada vajrasana, too. Then the sirsasanas: I can start with the first one.
Most difficulties make he poses dwi pada sirsasana, tittibhasana and karandavasana. But why not go on only because these 3 postures cannot be done?
I will watch a DVD by Freeman and next Sunday I will play with all these new asanas. Why not?
It was wonderful, I want to repeat this sentence. Breath was deep, bandhas were used. Critical mind was also on the mat with comments like "the transmission between the poses could be more flowing", "back is probably not straight enough", "I should have hold this asana a bit longer", " damned no balance in parivrita trikonasana today". But who cares about a critical mind? I did not. I enjoyed my practice.
To practice satisfies me somehow. Strange.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
I was disciplined, that was good. I breathed deeply, outside the birds were singing. Sunday mornings are usually rather quite. Young neighbours are still in bed. Parties and loud chatting starts later.
It's important not to go too deep down when doing chaturanga dandasana. The upper arms are supposed to be in line with the body. Many people stop just before the floor. Then the elbows are above the body and this can cause shoulder problems. That's one thing I learned at the workshop with BBB Beryl. I paid attention to it. It's a totally different asana then.
Pincha mayurasana was awful. Either I had too much swing or not enough. I couldn't balance. Sad. I need more strength.
After practice I did my awareness exercise. I ate my banana with soy yofu. It tasted good. I'm still hungry.
Yes, I like to knit. On the picture are a few of my self-made socks. I knit almost everything: Bavarian jackets, sweater, scarfs, bags.
Almost everything that I like is likely to become an addiction. So it is with knitting. Sometimes I cannot stop knitting. I knit the whole night till the morning.
Unfortunately I have a bad habit, that many knitters have. About 5 knitting projects are in my wardrobe. I start knitting projects with a lot of energy, but then I see new wool, new colors and I start another knitting project. Now I plan to finish these projects.
Self-made socks are a nice gift. My family has socks from me and my boyfriend and they all like it.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
I need pain, positive pain. I need to stretch. I want to be in the here and now. I have to plan my future, too. I want freedom. Money will help me to get freedom, so I have to occupy my mind, my intellect with this topic.
I ponder to write on money. I'm not that inexperienced on that matter. It might be of interest.
Generous as I am I opened my blouse, oh of course my plastic bag and showed her what I've bought. Walking on water by Anthony de Mello (This could become one of my next wishes). I already wish to have one hour more than all the other human beings, I wish to be on 2 places at the same time. Walking on water would please me, too. And I bought Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. I explained to the curious woman that the yoga scene is reading the book, so I must read it, too. It's on the underworld of Bombay. Ohhhhhh.
Boyfriend came back from fetching his milk coffee. We will do the familiar programme this evening. At first we will go to the Greece restaurant and then we will watch soccer in a sports bar. (For Americans: sports bars are rare here, I call now a restaurant with a TV a sports bar).
I will take one of my books with me. Perhaps I will go home earlier. I want to do yoga. I hope that this is not too impolite. But after 10 years I think this should be possible. I mean I'm not interested that much in soccer. The Bavarians do not play, and all the other male soccer heroes.....
All the vinyasas were performed. I need more time when it comes to the maris . I need more time to get into the asanas. When I am finally in the pose, Sharath has already counted till 3.
I worked on sirsasana. It's not really straight, that's why it is so exhausting. This is also the reason why I cannot hold the pose so long.
How I sweated. Oh, yes, breath was there. Progress? I don't think so. But what shall I do? Only practice will bring progress. I go on. I go on.
And now I go out for my second breakfast.
Friday, May 25, 2007
At home I took my blue mat and my red yoga clothes and went to a Jivamukti class. I was stiff, practice was good, even though I was stiff. I did something for my body and my mind. Enthusiasm for my working environment faded due to my stupid colleague. I forgot work in the yoga studio. I enjoyed the pain when I stretched my body. Yes, a little bit more stretching, a little bit more pain -- oh, how it makes me forget the last week. I'm in the here and now, thinking of the blogger, curious if yoga chickie wrote her random things.
Boyfriend is coming tomorrow, especially for me. He fears to let me alone for a few days.
I go to bed now and tomorrow I will practice. When is tomorrow?
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Now is good. Now it is beautiful.
Oh, I have to write this 20 times or more often, so that I do not forget it. Now. Now. Now.
Only this moment now counts. Inhaling, exhaling, enjoying the moment. Now.
Always the same awful games at work. I don't want to play them again. It's only me, who can stop playing them. I'm fed up with it. And I'm even more fed up with me when I destroy my precious free time with thinking of the time hours before now.
Monday: yoga, blogging, working, eating, working, eating, sleeping.
Tuesday: yoga, blogging, working, eating, working, eating, sleeping.
And then I have to find time for all the other things, that must be done: Taxes, health insurance, paying bills, cleaning the rooms, answering Emails - Oh my god.
At first the shower.
-I won't complain, I know that nobody will be able to give me an extra hour.
-Another wish arose the last time: I want to be in different places at the same time. I read that this is possible in this thick book "Autobiography of a yogi". Since then I want to be able to do the same thing. Till now unfortunately with not so much success. Boyfriend will travel to Hawaii. I have to stay here in order to work. How I wish to be in Hawaii and to sit at my desk entering figures at the same time. Is anybody able to do this?
Tomorrow big boss wants to talk to me. What to dress, what to dress?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
The non-yoga life: I do nothing, important papers are on my desk. The water counter is broke, I have to make it change. I have to fill in the form of the health insurance, I have to write invoices and I do nothing. It is so important that I attack these tasks.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
At home I wanted to know what would be possible tomorrow at the workshop and what not. I put on my red clothes, I needed support, I rolled out the black mat. Fearful, full of expectations, curious I stood there in front of the mat. To lift the arms was not easy. Shoulders, neck hurt. But a "little bit pain" does not prevent me from practicing. :)
I was so afraid of doing chaturanga dandasana. I needed several tries to jump. But finally I jumped and it was possible. I didn't fall on my belly for pain, I didn't cry out loudly. I jumped back, not elegantly, but it was possible.
I'm optimistic now for the workshop tomorrow. I think I will be able to practice. No wrong ambition, that's important for tomorrow. I will report.
What a relief.
It's difficult to lift the arms. It's impossible to do chaturanga dandasana. I did what was possible, slowly and very attentive, fearful. I'm sure that it is good to move, but it was difficult. It frustrates me.
I took Magnesium today, and I have a fluid that supplies the neck with blood. I will take this to work.
My mantra for today: Don't touch these jalousies.
I must be diplomatic, because from now on my colleague has to role up all the jalousie by himself.
Please, I want to be fit for tomorrow evening, for the workshop with BBB.
Monday, May 21, 2007
I have to find a friendly solution to make my colleague rolling up these damned jalousie. I won't do it again.
Please shoulder/neck be well soon. It hurts, damned.
Yesterday I read that everything can be interpreted as positive and as negative. It depends on the view. I agreed. But now. I think it's only awful that I have this neck pain.
I hope tomorrow I will feel better. Surya namaskaras won't be possible, but perhaps breathing and a little bit stretching and exercising patience will be possible. :)
By the way my boyfriend saw a positive aspect. He said: "Then you can sleep longer, because you don't have to practice. " Yes, darling, yes.
I suspect that I got this sore neck, because I have to role up these heavy jalousie at work. There are 3 windows and it is a strict duty to role the jalousie up in the evening due to the strong wind in the fourth floor.
I didn't feel anything at work, but now it is awful. And on Wednesday I have this wonderful workshop with BBB (Ms Bender). I'm not sure at the moment if I will be able to practice. Even if it is impolite towards my colleague, I won't role it up again this heavy sun protection.
It makes me crazy, so crazy. I could curse the whole time.
The body was a little bit stiff, but no cause to worry about it. Then, the second surya namaskara a and again this awful pain, which made me stop at once. I laid down on my belly, I couldn't hold chaturanga dandasana. It is as if a huge tendon, which goes from the shoulder to the neck gets twisted. This twist pushes nerves and this hurts. As soon as this tendon has found the correct place again, pain fades as if it has never been there.
I got fearful and frustrated. I mean it really hurt. I did padanghustasana for a while. Then I sat down in lotus pose bowed forward, arms pointed backwards and so I stayed for a while.
I sat in padmasna again after a while and did uddjyai breathing. I was too fearful to do other poses. Sad. I got up so early and I have had so much time.
The cold shower this morning seemed to be a little bit colder than the other days.
After it I went to bed again straight into the warm arms of E. This was comfortable and warmed me.
Hopefully my tendons will stabilize soon. This pain makes me crazy.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The above mentioned book contains a lot of information an diamonds and the diamonds business. To mix it with Buddhist ideas makes it interesting. That's my evening lecture for today before sleeping.
I plan to get up early. At 6 a.m. I want to be on my mat. 1st Ashtanga series shall prepare me for the day.
It's rather rustically, but we like it - the Greece restaurant. Usually it is crowded. It is not possible to get a seat there. But now we know when it is empty, at 5:30 p.m. We had dinner rather early today.
E. came from he northern part of Germany to Munich to see me for the weekend. "But darling, this was not necessary. I don't run away that fast." I must admit: I loved it that he came. It's not so boring when I have E. around me. I like it to have dinner with him. And tomorrow we will have lunch together. It seems that to eat together is one of our favourite occupation.
On Tuesday he will be again on the highway to the north.
I think I need time to relax during the weekend. I have always huge plans, but do not accomplish a lot. The job is still new. It needs a lot of concentration. I should respect my need for a break.
It made me crazy, this neck pain this morning. I had to practice again to check the status.
I rolled out the mat, switched on some music, opened the doors to the balcony and practiced slowly and intensive.
Thought came up that I'm a total beginner, what is probably true. I did what was possible. No back pain anymore, even not in chaturanga dandasana. I'm so glad.
Kapotasana: I was a little bit more far away from the wardrobe as usual. I almost died for fear when I went back and when I finally could reach the wardrobe with my hands. I almost injured myself, because I didn't go out of the pose with the power of my legs, but somehow bowing sidewards. I must be carefully.
Picture is taken in the street where I live and practice.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
I guess there are days like this. I want to go out, it is sunny here. Breakfast is in my mind, I feel so hungry. I can practice later. It's not bad to practice later.
I schedule yoga for the late afternoon 4 p.m or so.
Friday, May 18, 2007
I wanted to play with the work ohm, which is actually an aum. The sound starts with an open a and then the mouth is closing to the oooooooouuuuu and finally the mouth is closed to sing the mmmmmmmmmmmmm. It's a huge difference. Test it.
What else? I give too much at work, even though I think I'm not really very good at the moment.
Somehow I feel like a balloon (with no air anymore). It's almost a break-down when the week-end starts. On Saturday I'm ready for life again. But now. I'm done, exhausted, empty, lazy. I must somehow fill my batteries, but how. I should go to bed. Bed, the idea pleases me.
I tried to open the page at work, but I had the same problem.
I would be very pleased if someone could give me a hint what I can do.
Has someone else the same problem??????
What I learned is discipline.
At 6 a.m I was on my mat. Nauli exercise first and then I started with the CD by Sharath. It was not easy today to jump on the mat. But I did it. Middle part was intensive, even though I omitted some of the asanas (sirsasana b and c i.e. and some others).
What remains to write: Good that I practiced.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I had and incredible good practice. I had so much power and energy. The body got hotter and hotter, bendier and bendier.
Thank you for getting so furious.
During the practice I thought all the time: Even iron can be bent, when hot.
Feelings no matter what color contain so much energy. I used it today for an incredible second practice. So good. I must laugh. Happy and content again.
How about a hot bath now for my luxury body?
With the CD by Sharath I started finally, without any voice or noise, except my breath, I did the middle part. With Sharath again I did the closing sequence.
It was intensive today. I could even bring my leg behind my head. The pose does not yet feel well. The body is cramped. But it all starts like this. At first the pose looks ugly, imperfect and after 10 years it looks as if everybody can do it. It looks as if it is no effort to do the pose. All the years of preparation are forgotten.
It was a very good practice, because I had focus. No breaks, no distraction, only me on my mat and the effort to get better at second series. I didn't think a lot. When I think, that I do not think a lot, I think this is perhaps stupid. I don't care. Stupid or not - nothing will change due to it.
I deserved this mango for breakfast: mango with soy yogurt, it was so good.
Free time today. I can do what I want. What a luxury.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
This morning I enjoyed 5 to 6 (I didn't count) surya namaskaras a. Breath was deep, I could hear it. It was a joy.
Nothing is lost. This evening I will go to the Mysore class.
And tomorrow we have a banking holiday here.
The birds are gone. They didn't come back. They left the artful nest. Now it's empty. 3 of them can fly now. And 1 little bird struggled to survive while I entered numbers into a PC. Life is very short.
I can plant some flowers now on my balcony.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
I looked down to the backyard and I saw a shadow in form of a bird. I ran down the steps with my keys and my camera.
And there it was. Probably the weakest sweety.
Even dead this little bird looks so beautifully.
I'm very sad. They all fought for the worms, but this one was perhaps not tough enough.
But where are the other fighters???
Will they come back? I hope it. I know me, every 5 minutes I will check it.
It was such a pleasure to have them here on my balcony. So sad, that they are gone.
Monday, May 14, 2007
The birds moved during the night. Parents are probably worm hunting already.
I slept too long. No yoga this morning.
What can I do to have an hour of yoga today? This was my question this morning. The answer: When I will be at work at 8:30 a.m. and when I will go at 5:30 p.m. , when I deduct half an hour for lunch break, I will have worked 8 and a half hour. I think this allows me to go on time to go to a led Ashtanga class at airyoga.
Decision is made. I will put my yoga clothes in my bag and my mat over my shoulder. If I won't have time, nothing is lost. I can stay longer at work. I can take my yoga mat home again without having been at a class.
Feelings: full of excitment. I hope everything goes well today. No problems please at the beginning of the week.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
I went through my posts and I realized that it was often not well written.
I.e. I wrote "work is a challenge". This is without any content. Why, damned, why is it a challenge. How does it feel that it is a challenge. What exactly happens, what do I do when I feel "challenge". That's it. To describe it, is good writing.
When I read in books "it was interesting", I always want to say, "why", "how was it". For me other things are interesting as for someone else. That's what I want to know as a curious reader.
1. Version: I wrote: "Work is a challenge".
2. Version: I sit on my uncomfortable chair. On the right side of my huge desk is a basket. Here a pile of paper grows. All the time someone comes in and throws something in that basket, including whole files. And I have another mail basket in another room. I have to handle all these papers. I take the first one. It is for company 1. I work for 15 companies. I look at the PC. I have opened the software for another company. I take the next paper. I don't know what to do? I have to ask someone. I don't even know whom. I take the third piece of paper of the pile. I only have to file it. I can do this later. I take the fourth piece of paper. .........Nothing is done so far. I flip through all the papers to check if there is something important hidden among all these papers. I cannot decide what is important. Now I discover that I should have made a telegraphic wire transfer due to the discount. I missed it, damned. What to do now? Let's check the amount. Time flies. Telephone rings. Someone is waiting at my desk with another piece of paper. I shall correct an entry of a debtor. And so on, there is scarcely time to breath. Lunch.
I hope that version 2 makes clear why it is a challenge. To be precise is good writing, but it is not necessary to write about every fly. My difficulties: My vocabulary is limited. To look up words is possible, but I can never be sure if I use the new word correctly. I don't want to talk about the difficulty to have a good grammar. Alone the tenses are a challenge.
To write well needs time. Often I'm just lazy. It is easier to write "it was interesting, good, bad or whatever". To be precise means to remember well of what was seen, smelled, heard......
Of course it's worth it to make the effort to write well. Of course. Difficult, yes, difficult.
On the other hand - there are a lot of badly written bestsellers outside. To make money with writing does not mean that one has to write well.
Reviews on amazon: Here often people write: "This book is so good you must read it. It is the best book I've ever read. You do not waste your time and money. Buy it." This or a similar version of the same meaningless stuff can be read very often.
Sometimes I say aloud: Please, why, why. Why shall I buy it? Why is it good? What you like, must not be attractive for me. Please give ma a detail.
To describe a hot summer day without using the word summer. To describe stress without using the word stress. To describe happiness without using the word happy. That's how I want to write.
Describing a summer day (without using the word summer) and the reader starts sweating, only by reading my words - that's what I want. Summer is a metapher. It stands for ............make your own decision (bad writing).
Now it is clear, they are 4. I can count four bouts. First thing in the morning is to look for my little blackbirds. Little is good. They grow dramatically fast.
This morning they still slept. Parents were probably worm hunting.
They are so sweet, these little monsters. It's heart-opening to look at them.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I went out with almost nothing. I came back with new yoga clothes - colors: salmon and brown, a book on cooking without recipes and my new shower curtains. Due to the curtains I went downtown.
The cappuccino with soy milk was good.
Summer is coming. I love it.
Mysore class: For advanced students and for those who know at least a little bit of the series. It's very intensive. The group supports the own practice. The teacher supports the practice with the adjustments. The own rhythm is important, nothing else.
Ashtanga practice alone: The self-practice can be done from the very beginning on - from the first yoga class on. Most people only don't do it. Here the practice becomes something that I really develop on my own. It represent freedom. I can do what I want. Discipline is exercised.
CDs: It's very helpful. Often it is better than a led class. Nobody gives adjustments of course. The support of the group is missing.
Just an idea: I would find it good if the yoga studios would play CDs and the teachers walk around for adjustment. I noticed that it is often too much for the teacher to lead the class through the series and to give adjustments at the same time.
An hour only with the teacher: I have not yet done it, but it is on my list.
To practice with a friend is another possibility, that I have not yet done.
So many possibilities to practice. The question (that I want to give up) came up: What do I like best? I couldn't make a decision. I like all the forms.
The parents don't like me to take pictures of their little ones. I fear that they attack me.
They pay attention.
No wonder that they grow so fast. This morning I saw the mother with such long worms in the beak. So long. I don't know where she had found it. Worms must be very nutritious.
I want to take a picture when these little ones have their beaks open.
Friday, May 11, 2007
But I went shopping again. The woman at the cashier entered all my stuff except the strawberries.
Me: "You forgot the strawberries."
She: "Oh, and this is your only healthy item that you bought." She missed to enter it in the cashier because it didn't fit to the cake and coffee and chocolate and red wine.
That's what I bought to refill the energy tanks. I know this is not possible.
Will I do yoga now? No answer.
I must do more breaks, so that I have still the energy to make smart decisions.
Work pleases me very much, but as weak as this may sound, it is a challenge, I'm exhausted after a week. On Friday I'm tired and I don't want to think of any work anymore.
Skyping with E.: He told me that he bought books. I don't care. I like it very much when he buys books. I guess we influence each other. He goes to university, listening to physics and mathematics lectures. He is happy. I like it to see him so happy.
I wished, my practice would grow like this little birds. When the blackbird sits in its nest, it sits so much higher. It sits on these little birds. This must be funny.
2 cups of coffee this morning, 4 surya namaskaras. The end.
I woke up at 2 a.m. and then at 6 a.m. It's Friday. I need the weekend.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
What can go wrong, goes wrong. I make mistakes. Oh, I have nice colleagues. Oh, I have also impatient colleagues. I rush from task to task, sometimes I do several things at the same time.
But 15 tasks at the same time is sometimes a little bit too much for me.
It's already the 3rd working week in the new company that is over tomorrow. I know more than in the beginning, of course, but sometimes I still feel overwhelmed.
What is PC? PC?
Oh, it is project controlling. And I thought of the IT department. I have still so many questions.
I worked till 7:30 pm. At home I ate too much to calm me down and now I drink a red glass of wine. I have to recover.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
We were six: one woman who came with a soft woolen blanket left the class after the first 2 surya namaskaras.
E.'s practice is very nice. Our two men were very good as well. The woman next to me was in India for half a year. She was great, too. She was very conscious. During the suryas we have to pay attention that we do not beat the neighbour with our arms that go up. She always paid attention to me and I to her. It was very aware. I liked it.
It was soooooo good.
Work: a challenge, many mistakes happen (I make mistakes), I get faster, but I'm still slow.
BF: he doesn't like to live in our small flat anymore. We have to find a solution. I'm so afraid of being dependant of someone. But we will find a solution. Yes.
Here they are. It all moves. The hearts are beating of this tiny things.
I practiced with Sharath. Time was only for the standing poses and a very short closing sequence.
To be led was wonderful. I will set the alarm clock tomorrow at 5. I want to do more than only the standing sequence.
Highlight: the breath was deep and even.
This evening: Mysore class. Super.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
This morning I wrote my 3rd invoice. I wanted to post it direct into the mail box of the recruiting company after work. I did it. Wednesday they prepare all the payments and then next Wednesday and so on. Tuesday is my writing- invoices- and- post- it- day. I walked through the rain, posted my invoices. No cup of cappuccino with soymilk outside, reading a book on spirituality. This was my expectation this morning.
I rushed to the recruiting company to get rid of my bill, I rushed back to the underground. Rather late I was at home. I drank this peach booze, that E.'s brother gave me for my birthday. It relaxes me. Yes. Awful way to find relaxation for a person who has a glimpse what savasana can do.
Darling is on the way to Hannover. I'm here alone, in the mess.
Darling called me already: my 4 little monsters arrived on earth. He saw them already. "You must take pictures, " he told me. He seems to like them, too. So nice. I haven't seen them yet, because mother sits on them most of the time. :) Now it is dark outside.
The life of this blackbirds has changed. Now they fly a lot, they are literally on business trips and come back with food. Like my darling. He travels and when he comes back, he invites me to a restaurant. Perhaps my darling is a blackbird???? Oh, the peach booze was good.
I need all the stuff that I've learned in the last year. I'm surrounded with smart people. What else do I want? Good work so far.
One breath, one asana till ushtrasana - the middle part was performed much faster.
No dhanurasana today, no sirsasana today.
An insight: I noticed that in parivritta trikonasana my hip of the leg that is back swings to the side. This makes the pose easier, but this is not intended by the inventors of the pose. To keep the hips parallel makes the pose more difficult, it's a challenge to balance then. Lately it became difficult to stay motionless in that position - to be clearer - I wobble.
I feel like Friday (after one working day).
Monday, May 07, 2007
It was nice, as usual.
Tomorrow E. will drive to Hannover. Then I will be with me again.
Tired. Tired. So Tired. I'm so tired. I have to go to bed. Main goal is to keep that job.
Can I finally give up on this thinking!!!
I know that most people are only interested in themselves.
I know that I cannot change anything.
Most behaviours of people have nothing to do with me at all. Point.
Next topic, please.
After the shower.
45 intensive minutes of yoga this morning. It was painful. It is not pure joy, but a mixture of joy and pain. The body is stiff in the morning, at least at the moment. Today it was possible to be very focused on the practice. Breath was important and deep. I don't want to sacrifice my straight back for the pose. That's why I cannot go very deeply into the asanas. A straight back is very important. Poses look so much more beautifully.
It will be a long day for me today: Payments must be made, bank statements must be entered and I have to prepare the VAT for 15 companies. Help. I hope so much that I can manage everything. It's so new everything.
What else: Yesterday in the evening a guy called me. I haven't heard anything of him for more than 13 years. I interrupted the contact for good reasons. It is amazing how less people change, as if time stands still.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Perhaps, because I'm so distracted so often?
Important goal of the 1st Ashtanga series is FOCUS:
- The eyes focus on a certain points (dristi).
- The ears focus listening to the deep breath.
- The body focus on not moving at all when performing an asana.
- The mind has to focus on counting - 5 breath in each asana, but vinyasas can be counted as well (now, I understand why counting is so important, it is the focus of the mind).
And why is focus so important?
To be able to focus is an incredible improvement/ability in life. To focus on possibilities, instead of what's not possible, to be able to change the focus, if wished is so helpful, too. To focus helps to build a beautiful mind.
And now I will focus on doing some chores - the bathroom needs cleaning.
Brave as I am, I returned to the mat again and again. I held the positions rather long. Breath was hearable and deep.
I lifted my body up into dhanurasana. Mental power was necessary to do this. I wanted to avoid this asana. Why? It's not the most pleasant asana. Arms should be strong, bandhas must be used, and the back should be able to bend back. All three abilities are not my best ones. This pose needs patience.
Thoughts were jumping from topic to topic:
- What will I eat after practice?
- Why are most books on pranayama so boring?
- Oh, I forgot to blog on focus.
- Shall I declutter the yoga clothes that I wear right now?
- I want to get more information on blackbirds - perhaps I find something via the Internet.
and so on, I cannot remember everything.
For long periods I was also concentrated. An Ashtanga practice takes more than 1 hour. So many things happen during such an hour. There is focus and there is distraction, there is motivation and frustration. I feel good now, so it was worth doing it.
Of course I fell out of pindasana at the end.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
I can't await it till the four little monsters will be on earth. Four eggs, four little birds, I hope I count correctly.
Today I discovered that blackbird is not vegetarian. I saw this little bird, very proud, with a big worm in the beak (mouth).
Today this blackbird looked into the room while I was practicing. I didn't notice it at first. When I looked into two black eyes, the bird flew away, bored. Yoga is not so interesting.
I warn you, little darling, I only wait till you have this hungry open mouths there, where you are sitting now. Be sure I will take some pictures. And I will publish it, so that the world can see it. So in love with you. Sorry, it was raining today, but perhaps you liked it.
Beinig in love: I need less sleep. I feel the lust to write, I can sit around, but I can also jog or paint or.....
Feeling fear: I can be paralyzed, but I can also read books, trying to understand....
Anger: This energy can be used in many ways, in all imaginable ways. It's pure energy.
Let's see what I will do next time when I have strong feelings, however I may title them.
Energy is something I need. Feelings are pure energy. They wake me up. Welcome feelings. Next time I will have a different view of them.
Energy, energy, power.
Finally it became a good practice, because I conquered this inner voice that wanted to stop, that wanted to omit asanas only because practice was not really at my best possibilities. Finally only janu sirsanana b and c were omitted. All the other stuff were performed, some poses better, some worse.
The goals of the 1st Asthanga series (my thoughts during my practice :))
1. To build strength: (very important) After years it will be fun to lift up the leg straightly into utthita hasta padangusthasana. To go into sirsasana with straight legs is self-evident. Vinyasas between each pose are pure fun. After years of practice it will also be possible to jump through without touching the floor with the legs. Bandhas will develop when used (secret technique for many poses).
2. Forward bends are the focus. Forward bends teach modesty on a deeper level. Setu bandhasana, dhanurasana and urdhva mukka svanasana are the only back bendings. But when you are able to go down into dhanurasana from standing position, then, yes, then you are ready for the 2nd series.
3. Breath: It's more important than the asanas. The first series teaches to get familiar with the breath, to observe the breath. The breath is sooo important. This must be understood in the first series already.
4. Desperation: To get familiar with desperation, to handle it, is also part of the first series. To give up the thought "this pose (a metaphor for so many things) is not doable for me" is a goal of the first series. Patience is teached. Impatience is punished with injuries.
5. A routine: To build a routine on a daily basis is part of the 1st series. (I think 3 times of practice every week is a minimum for Ashtanga. It is too demanding. To practice less is an additional difficulty).
Writing this down, I know that there are so many more goals hidden in this 1st series. But these 5 goals are already demanding enough. They give the practice a content for many many years.
Friday, May 04, 2007
The title makes me laugh.
During the week body and mind are in alarm position. Stress. Will I be able to do all the tasks on time and so on and so on. Mistakes should be avoided and corrected as soon as discovered. By the way, not to give a wrong impression, I like my work and I want to keep it (stress doubles- haha).
Then the weekend comes. What to do now? Feelings are jumping as if they were on a trampoline. Finally free, they can do what they want. I'm bored about the reasons, why desperation, sadness appears on the surface. To find reasons for feelings is ridiculous. They come and go like the weather. I know this. To feel is a human ability. It gives life a color - a dark graphite today.
Next moment is again totally different. What else can I do as to go on with my life as a cowboy?
Yoga tomorrow? Of course.
I loved the suryas. But after supta kurmasana I gave up. My body was so incredibly stiff. My birthday belly still bothers me. It was good that I made it so far. I was focused. Glad when I finally did the closing sequence. Once I pushed me up into dhanurasana. Who wanted to vex me this morning? It hurt. Shoulder stand, plough, headstand were performed. Savasana.
Good was that I sat in padmasana for a rather long time. I breathed. Pranayama is something that I discover now.
What else? My little blackbird sits patiently on her eggs. I await impatiently the four little monsters.
Still no money from the old company, but the recruiting company paid my first bill already.
My last act yesterday night was to write the next bill. After work I will post it. It's a nice ritual.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
....washing clothes, doing the dishes, I decided that I won't have a time problem anymore from now on. Everybody of this world has the same amount of time, but one person complains all the time that there is not enough time. I think this is arrogant to want an extra hour while everybody has 24 hours.
I can get up on time, I can start with the things that have to be done at once, I can stop wasting my time with stupid activities. And now I have time to shower, before I will go to bed.
I like flying clothes - it's one of my favourite motif.
Time and clutter seem to be my main problems. What I have too much from the one thing, I have too less from the other.
In the underground I read in the book by Brian Tracy that there is always too much to do. It is not possible anymore to do everything, that waits to be done. Important is to decide what is important.
Important for me now is to throw out all the things that I do not like anymore, that I do not use. I have one hour, so I have to start now.
Reading blogs can wait till the weekend.
I woke up at 5 a.m. without an alarm clock. My subconscious helped me. First 2 thoughts that came up: Today I will have time for yoga and oh, I forgot to post the debit advice, that should have been done till 6 p.m.. I make so many mistakes, because it is too much information that I have to digest. To hear any information one time is not enough for me.
Back to yoga: At 6 straight I was on my mat. It hurt to practice. I was a little bit overstretched, but so less that it's not worth mentioning it. But it hurt and I went on and on. I had 1 hour for my practice today and I wanted to take advantage of so much time in the morning, no matter if the poses were painful or not. It got better and better with every pose. I was so concentrated on my breath. I couldn't go deeply into the poses, but focus was there. Dhanurasana was especially difficult, I could scarcely lift up. I know it is still the birthday food that vexes me.
Yoga is a life style. It cannot be practiced on the mat only. To enjoy best food, but not too much, this supports yoga. Alcohol, fat huge amount of food points to a greedy unaware life style.
Awareness - that's my spiritual practice during the day, at least when I eat.
Shall I take the steps today? I work in the 4th floor. To take the steps could be a good exercise.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Yoga: 6 yogis, 1 yogini and a yoga teacher gathered together.....
It was not my best day. It doesn't matter. I did the whole 1st series this evening . I was helped in supta kurmasana and dhanurasana. Both poses become more and more familiar with my body.
Work: Colleague tells me that I have to be faster. Till lunch time I should have entered the bank statement. I had finished this task at 4 p.m. today. I have to check everything, this makes me slowly.
Lunch: During lunch break a 80 year old man (he told me his age in his first sentence) wanted to show me his war injuries. I was not interested. I remembered that I wanted to do the awareness exercise while I was eating. I concentrated on my foot, that even this man understood that I was not in the mood to talk about injuries.
My last act: the shower, a kiss for E., making a choice which attitude shall bring me through the day tomorrow (shall I be curious, fast, friendly).
Last company: My last company has not yet paid my salary for the last month. I knew that they wouldn't have style. So glad that I have another task and other people around me.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
I write a journal in addition to my blog. Every month I jot down some headwords.
-I wanted more money as an employee (Money has the character that it is never enough, I know)
- I had the insight that I have to declutter my home. This is a huge task till now. I have to tackle it. Imagine 6 years I'm busy with the same issue.
Through writing I met such an interesting online community. I write with people all over the world. That's really a great gift.
During the last year so much happened. If I didn't write it down I would have forgotten so many things:
- I got a job, I lost it, I got another job.
- I did yoga workshops with Danny and Aaron
- I travelled to South Africa, USA, France, Portugal.
- I like to take pictures. This passion developed through writing as well.
- Boyfriend is the stable factor in my life.
I went on and on.
It is difficult to be a yogini only on the mat. What happens on the mat influences the life off the mat. The rest of the life influences the life on the mat. The other life was too sinful in the last days. Today I paid for it. It was a damned difficult practice.
It's sunny here. I have to wake up my boyfriend, which is a rather difficult task. We (E., M., and me) will see my parents for lunch. It's one and a half hour drive away from here.