Resolutions?

To enjoy the rest of my life - the next 50 years.

And for tomorrow: I want to get up rather early, I want to practice, I will ignore my stiff body. No matter how I will feel tomorrow, I will oberve it and I will enjoy it.

No time to worry about my age

Today I was at work at 8 a.m. . It was not at all necessary that I was so early at work. I wanted to enter the bank statements, but I got the copies at about 10 a.m. I could have had a wonderful practice this morning. I was too dutiful, too German. So early at work I had time to make all possible mistakes, including that I forgot to use the time clock when I went out for lunch. This meant that the boss had to sign the time when I went out and when I came back. And other mistakes were made, too.

After work I went out with E. and his mother. We got a seat at our favourite Greece restaurant. It was nice. E. was rather silent and absent, but his mother is rather lively and we found some topics to laugh about. The 2 ouzos were great, the salad was great, too. The dessert was delicious, Greece yogurt with honey and nuts.

Only when I see myself on pictures, I worry about my age.

Me to my bf: You never take nice pictures of me.

He to me: In 10 years you will like it.

Sometimes, when he likes to tease me he says: In 20 years you will like it. Haha.

It was my birthday today. I'm so busy. Tomorrow I will see my parents. They make holidays in Bavaria. We are invited for lunch. Again we will have fun, nice conversation.

I like to live. It's so exciting to live. It can go on.

At least a few surya namaskaras

I have to be very early at work today. Every Monday the payments have to be done. Now it is me who will do it. It's the first time that I do it and I'm a bit excited (positive excitement).

No yoga on my birthday? I had to do a few surya namaskaras. I did it, my body was so stiff. I could scarcely move.

A quick look on my balcony, blackbird is still there. A birthday kiss from my boyfriend. And I'm ready to rock'n roll to my work.

I do not have time to worry about my age.

And thank you very much for the very nice birthday wishes, that I found this morning in my inbox. It's a wonderful start in a sunny Monday.

A very relaxed birthday lunch

We had a very relaxed birthday lunch.

Everything was well prepared. E. had peeled the asparagus perfectly.
I even think it was the best meal that we ever had prepared.
Too much from everything, of course. That's how birthday parties are.

And tomorrow is my real birthday.

A few surya namaskaras

A few surya namaskaras were performed. More was not planned for today. I'm already late. I have to start preparing the dessert.

Most difficult task will be to wake up boyfriend. He is perfect in peeling asparagus. He MUST help.

Family is coming rather soon usually. I'm glad that we have prepared the table yesterday.

I hope so much that my meal tastes well.

Who is in prisom - the bird or me?

Here is again this little bird, that found my balcony as a home for the family.

The little bird

Here it is this little mother bird - so busy with her eggs.

And soon there will be 4 little monsters on my bolcony.

Perhaps they sing some somgs for me.

A surprise

That's what I discovered this morning on my balcony. 4 little eggs. But where was the mother?

I returned to my room and waited.

Practice was very good

I don't know why, but my body was rather bendy and flexible this morning. I didn't feel much resistance. Concentration was there, too.

First series on my mat, while the sun was shining. It was the first time that I could open the doors to the balcony, because it is so warm. It is a summer day here.

There was time enough to do what I wanted. It is such a luxury to have time. Only before dhanurasna I gave up. I didn't like to do this demanding back bending. I did a very quick closing sequence and finally I enjoyed savasana.

Now I have to go shopping. I have to buy food for the lunch tomorrow.

Oh, the black coffee is good

I'm drinking a black cup of coffee. It's so good. I had opened the doors to the balcony and I can hear the birds singing. I live in the middle of a city, but birds visit me on my balcony. That's pure luxury.

The day starts perfectly.

I have a lot to do today. I have to buy all the food that we want to eat on Sunday.

It's such a sunny day today. Wonderful.

In the restaurant

E.'s mother is very nice. She is a knowing person.

Even she noticed that E. was absent during our dinner, as always. He checked his emails via pda (this machine is always on the table) and that was it. He didn't talk with us, he was absent. So I know him. I can also talk to myself when we are out. This time I had a partner his mother.

I ate too much, I drank too much (Merlot, Grappa, Espresso), the waiter was so unfriendly that I wanted to leave the restaurant.

Like a miracle

Sometimes I only have to sleep and the very next day I understand more, only because I slept.

Today I had some aha experiences.

I have to learn some new Excel shortcuts. How to deduct dates i.e. is a question. I need it in order to calculate interest.

I worked well today. In total I was 45 hours without breaks at the company this week and I didn't complain. Work is interesting. I forget time totally. This is a very good sign.

And now I wait till E. and his mother M. pick me up. We'll probably go to an Italian restaurant.

Life pleases me.

Stress relief a la U.

Stress:

- At first I buy a book or two (or three) in order to get good advice.
- Unfortunately I also eat too much from everything and yesterday I had a glass of Merlot in addition.

Due to problem solving strategy 2 I was not so bendy on the mat today (I had gained weight). Time was short, I did the standing sequence and a few forward bends. I was concentrated, really focused. I did savasana at the end. This was a very difficult pose with my stress level that I experience at the moment.

I want to keep my current job. It is very interesting and demanding.

It's warm in Germany. It's time to wear skirts. Today I start the skirt season. That's fun.

The list

The very beginning:
Champagne with olives

The starter:
Tomatoes on a green salad bed, foie grois (boyfriend and guests are not vegan), butter and white bread

The main course:
Asparagus, small potatoes and mushroom-onion-white-wine sauce

The dessert:
Strawberries marinated in Grand Manier on Greece yogurt or pure.

Later:
Black coffee and a cake

On Monday is my birthday, on Sunday the family (my parents, E.'s mother and his brother) will come for lunch. It's also E.'s birthday party. We will cook together. It will be exciting.

My attitude: I won't let me stress, I will enjoy preparing a very nice, almost vegan birthday lunch. And E. will help me. We will have fun.

The feed back

My colleague has had his last day today. Before he left he gave me a feed back. Unquestioned. I think this was courageous and very helpful for me. I listened to him:

Don't jump from one task to the other, he told me. Start and finish your task. This was his advice. I know that he is right. I thought that I did it, but I don't do it. I look at an invoice i.e.. I see there might be a problem, which I don't know how to solve. I have already asked 100 questions. So I take the next piece of paper.

But this procedure creates stress. Nothing is accomplished at the end of the day. Piles grow and grow. The piles contain unsolved problems.

That's what I will do: to start and to finish a task. Then the next task. Consequently.

I know that he was unfriendly, impatient. This made it difficult to ask another stupid question and another stupid question. As usually I took it personally and it took me power to ask the next question. It was almost an apology when he said that he gets impatiently rather fast. His girl-friend says that it is noticed at his voice. I know, I know.

Thank you for the advice. He observed me rather well.
I know my weakness. It's the same on the mat. I'm jumping from one asanas to the other, I'm jumping from one idea to the next.

It was nothing this morning

I did a few surya namaskaras, then padmasana for a few breaths. Nothing more.

Fact is that I got up before 6 a.m., Then I checked my Emails. I haven't given up on this habit so far. It takes 10 minutes - precious 10 minutes. Then I wrote my morning pages. I need 3 pages. So many words come out of my pen every morning. The work, yoga, personal changes, boyfriend, food, all this are topics that need my attention. Or should I better write, that I have to write on these topics, so that they are out of my mind, so that I can enjoy my life in the here and now?

I want to bring the problems on paper and out of mind. This is not always, but often a solution to enjoy life in the here and now. Problems are mind-made. I don't want to keep them in my mind. I get rid of them while throwing them on the paper.

Then yoga: Half an hour for yoga is too short for me. Half an our means time pressure for me. I got so nervous that I couldn't concentrate anymore this morning.

I have to rethink my morning routine. I need more time for yoga. I don't want to give up on my 3 morning pages either.

Work is stress, but I try to stay cool. I make the stress myself, nobody else stresses me. Today is the last day for the colleague, whose job I will do from tomorrow on. On Friday I'm the first time on my own. Buuuuuhhhhhh. It won't be easy.

Mysore class

I'm so relaxed now. Job is demanding, but I like it. At the moment it is just a little bit too much of information. I work so slowly and I often don't know what to do. It will all come, I'm sure.

The better it was, that I had a very good focus during my practice this evening. Intellectual I was bad, I forgot 2 asanas. I was on my mat. Everything of the day was forgotten. I only thought of my asanas.

New insight: there is this shoulder stand pose, with legs folded in padmasana. Entering this pose my back curved and it was not straight anymore. Today I learned how to straighten it. The hands have to press against the knees and the knees have to press against the hands. And......yes, the back straightens.

Dhanurasana was performed. B. helped. She showed me a way how to practice at home: when hands walk down on the back of the legs it's easier than to go back with hands over the head.

I will try it. This is something for the weekend, not for my morning practice.

Mercy

The surya namaskaras A I like very much. With each movement the body gets softer and softer.

Then I went on half-hearted. I did the standing sequence and a few forward bends. Nothing was held for a long time.

What counts is, that I was on my mat.

I'm looking forward to the Mysore class this evening. The yogis and yoginis will give energy to the group.

More later.

I have to go to my limits and behind

Work: I have to go to my limits. I think I need more support. I cannot remember everything, which is told. I work too slowly. I'm frustrated about what I accomplish every day.

I needed a bar of chocolate and 2 Merlot after work.
I bought a book by Brian Tracy"Eat that frog". Books help to calm myself down. I think I work so badly, I'm so disappointed about myself.

I wrote my first invoice this morning. After work I put it in the mailbox of the recruiting company. Money should come soon.

Exhausted, empty, feeling incompetent, that's how I feel now. But I won't give up.

I know that I'm alone, so damned alone. Being alone money is important. So I will have to go on.

There are mornings like this

I woke up at 5:30 without alarm clock. I appreciate this. But then........

Morning pages were written as every day. Work gives me enough subjects to write about.

I rolled out my mat and I sat down. A few surya namaskaras were performed and then baby pose, baby pose. Uttanasana, baby pose. Not much was possible.

Mood is good, why not. I was slow today, mentally heavy.

It's still early. I can enjoy my breakfast.

Concentration on the breath from time to time during work could be a good idea.

Our short evening

We were out, E. and me. It was our first time that we were at a Bavarian beergarden. I had a huge glass of water and enjoyed the warm weather.

Work starts getting stressful due to deadlines and because I work so slowly. The stress is exciting, I experience it as something positive. It will all get better. I like where I am.

I must go to bed, I want to practice tomorrow morning.

An open secret?

It hurts. In the morning after 7 or 8 hours of sleep the practice hurts. I did it, despite of the "pain".

I woke up before 6 without alarm clock (5:30). Alarm clock is set at 6. But I want to get up earlier. Time is too short in the morning.

Slowly I went from asana to asana. I did the suryas, the standing sequence and some forward bends. A quick closing sequence followed. The practice today may help me to keep the level I have at the moment. I don't think that I made any progress.

The goal should perhaps be to enjoy the here and now while doing yoga and not to make progress re the asanas.

A new working week starts. Exciting level already got up. Which attitude shall I choose? I'm still too tired to think. Perhaps I have a good idea when I'm in the underground.

An attempt to meditate

Inspired by my own post on self-discipline, I managed it today to clean my rooms. I didn't discuss if I shall do it or not, I just did it.

In such a clean environment the idea came to meditate.

I had already opened the doors to the balcony, the sun was shining, birds visited me. I sat down on the floor, in lotus position of course. I started sitting, doing nothing.

And????

No, I didn't think a lot. Only one thought vexed me:

When is it over? When is it over? When is it over?

I stopped the whole enterprise. To meditate is not yet my passion.

The breath was my guide

I concentrated on my breath. The goal was to match the inhaling and exhaling with the movement. This is not always easy.

Inhaling and exhaling are supposed to be equally long. Also this is not always easy. At least I returned to the breath every time when I had lost the focus. A deep even breath improves the practice enormously.

Supta Vajrasana: It was possible to go back so far till I saw the floor. But then I went up as fast as possible. I cannot hold this position. I saw an improvement today.

Kapotasana: It helped me, that I was rather far away from the wardrobe. I went back till my hands could touch the wardrobe. Here I remained a little bit longer than usual, but with so much fear. Incredible.

Eka pada sirsasana: Leg was behind the head, but I don't want to see me in this pose. Body is totally cramped, face looks probably rather unhappy. Patient is needed, but even this pose must be doable some day.

It was not easy to practice, but now I'm happy like every day. What a nice feeling to have done it.

Our dinner at the Greece restaurant

It was observed that I eat too fast and too much in a very short time. At least the quality of the food was good.

Oh, it was a wonderful evening. Why not. To eat fast doesn't make an evening boring.

Yoga teaches crazy poses, but what else...

Yoga teaches crazy poses, but what else can be learned from the practice?

I sat in the cafe at the airport today, as I had to wait till the plane from Portugal would arrive. E. sat on that plane. I had ordered a peppermint tea and a Brezl. I wanted to do the awarenes exercise. Next to me was a man with dark hair, who spoke no word English. He wanted to know if there was another arrival. But there is only one. I'm always astonished with how less language, communication is possible. I understood him and he understood me, despite the 5th beer that he had already drunk. I could tell him (body language), that there is only one arrival.

During my awareness exercise, which meant that I tried to drink consciously my cup of tea and I tried to eat consciously the Brezl (I had removed all the salt on it), I was thinking of my yoga practice:

What else, except these wonderful postures do I learn, when I practice?

It's self-discipline: As I'm not in all areas of my life so self-disciplined like in yoga, I asked me how I do it:
Firstly I do not make a daily descision. Descision is already made. I just do it in the morning.
Secondly I practice always at the same time and place.
Thirdly I start with 2 little steps: I role out my mat and I sit down in front of the mat. That's all what I want to do. What follows comes from alone.
Fourth point is that I know how good I will feel afterwards. I want to get this feeling again and again.

Thinking of self-discipline I had already missed the moments when I was enjoying this soft Brezl with this green hot peppermint tea. Perhaps I can do 2 activities at the same time?

E. and I will go out this evening. We want to get a seat in the Greece restaurant (next awareness exercise).

Bad orientation

For a rather long time I haven't driven to the airport on my own.

Today it was disastrous due to my bad orientation. I didn't find the way to terminal 2. I drove 2 times to general aviation, which is rather far away from the terminal. Suddenly I was on my way back to Munich again. I had to leave the highway and I had to find the way back. So good that I was so early. Finally I made it to the terminal. The airplane has had a delay of 1 hour. I like the atmosphere at the airports and I have always something to read in my bag.

It is a very sunny day today. How nice.

On awareness, why and how

Reading spiritual books I learned, that awareness seems to be a key "activity".

But why to be aware? There is the assumption that most people live unconsciously. They do what they have learned from someone, who didn't know it better either. So life seems to be a repetition of the life of others. This must be observed to be able to drop it. The goal is to live the own life.

But how? It might be helpful to be aware when life gets tough, but I'm not really able to be aware when I feel stress. Choices to act/speak/not speak seem to be minimized.

Repetition: To learn new behaviour repetition is necessary. If I do no repeat anything, I just forget what I wanted to do. I want to begin with little steps and with an activity which is not that difficult. So I thought it could be a good idea to observe, to be aware when I eat. I eat several times during the day. I have a repetition. To observe how I eat is much easier than to be aware in a "difficult" conversation i.e.

But what do I like to observe? As we (human beings) are only able to experience life through our senses it might be observed what is to be seen, what is to be heard, what is to be tasted, what is to be felt, what is to me smelled. Feelings? Thoughts?

I start this experiment now.

This morning I ate rather unaware my banana with sojayofu and golden raisins. I walked around in my home, again nervous as so often, bowl was in my hand, while I gave me the food, one spoon after the other. As I was unaware it was probably too much what I ate. Banana was very large (hahaha). I feel too full now (hahaha). Life can be so funny.

I better pick up my boyfriend from the airport.

Excellent

My Saturday morning practice was soooooooooooooooo good.

Focus was the breath. I could hear my deep breath, it led me through the series.

My body was flexible, not transparent, but bendy.

I had so much joy on the mat. Perfection was not important. Somehow I'm flying now.


In an hour I will pick up E. from the airport. He is coming back from Portugal.

It's weekend

It's time to relax. I begin herewith my weekend officially.

There is such a long way to go

Life does not allow to take breaks.

Speed, speed, speed, that's how life is.

A working week is already over

It was not easy. The work is still a challenge. I struggle to remember all the new information. Of course. A week is nothing. I want to stay. At least a year. And then I will look back.

Every day needs a lot of attention in that company. The here and now is very demanding.

I want to relax now. Next week I will again give my very best. :)

Waiting for the underground

This morning I was a little bit late. But I left the house still on time. I went to the underground. When I have to wait a few minutes for the underground I walk up and down. Suddenly I turned around on the heels of my feet as fast as I could. I saw the former boss, the one who fired me. I didn't like to talk to him, nor did I like to say "hello". I saw a man with a red disappointed face, back rounded, bag on the shoulder was probably too heavy, too.

I had to smile. I was so glad that he fired me. A nightmare came to an end.

Pindasana

Pindasana, this crazy pose: also this morning I rolled out of this pose. I cannot hold it. Every morning I get a dose of the feeling "this cannot be true, damned."

I woke up several times at night. I cannot distinguish, if it is a positive excitement or fear of all the new things that happen at the moment (work).

At 5 a.m. I got up. At 6 a.m. I called my boyfriend, who is still in Portugal. It's his birthday today. I had to give him a kiss through the phone of course. He was so tired.

On my morning practice: I started with the CD by Sharath. After the standing sequence I went on on my own. I omitted some asanas, but I did all the core asanas: mari d, kurmasana, garbha pindasana, baddha konasana. I was too fast with everything. After the standing sequence the elegance of my movements disappeared. Breath was good and I feel good now.

My decision (a difficult one): In May and June E. has his sabbatical. He had invited me to travel with him to China. I always wanted to go to Shanghai. It was a present for me. But as I see it now, I have to go on with the job. It is too demanding. I will have forgotten everything, when I will get back. It is a reasonable decision. I don't know if this is the right decision. A few posts away I wrote that it will be easy to make decisions, when there is only one criteria: will this make me free? is the important question to ask. Does money make me free? Probably yes. Perhaps E. postpones the trip. Then we could travel together. I have 30 days of vacation. This could be a solution.

The breath helped me so much

I practiced.

I switched on the Jivamukti CD "strength and flexibility". For a long time I haven't practiced with it. Most of the time I practice fast. To practice slowly is a challenge. I held all the positions as long as counted. I went with the breath and experienced flow. When it got difficult, I only thought "breathe, back to the breath". It helped. I could hear my deep breath.

Thank you for this intensive practice. It must have been a present from heaven.

Baddha konasana

Baddha konasana is a posture that I like. My jeans were too tight for such a pose. The sun had invited me to practice. Just for fun. So I did it.

Work is over for today. I struggle, but so far it's only too much information. It is not that I learned something that would be too difficult for me. I have to be patient.

And now I do some yoga. Looking at my pictures motivates me to practice.

Yoga in the morning

I did only a few surya namaskaras a and 1 surya namaskara b. I hanged forward for a while and then I sat down on the floor. I breathed. Yesterday at the Mysore class B. told us that we all breath like a train. The exhaling gets stronger at the end, the inhaling is weak in comparison to the exhaling. I sat down and tried to make inhaling equally to the exhaling. To be able to do "difficult" asanas is one thing, but it is much more important to practice quite with an even rhythm. I saw yesterday how someone practiced with such a hectic. I guess my practice looks sometimes hectic as well. But this was not at all what I think yoga is.

I really want to concentrate on my breathe. I want to keep it even. The attitude is important. To force oneself in asanas is not at all beautifully.

More or less it was no practice this morning. It's OK. A day off is even recommended.

Mysore class

We were 7 people today, 2 yogis, 5 yoginis.

Here a quick report on my progress:

- Supta kurmasana gets better and better.

- B. told me today that in dhanurasana my legs and hands are still too far away from each other. This won't allow me to get up on my own. This is exactly what I feel, there is still no way to get up from this pose. B. suggested to go deeply into upward facing dog. This is a very good idea. I also notice, that my upward facing dog is not very advanced. I will concentrate on this.

I enjoyed the evening. It was again something special.

Now I have to take a shower. The day is already over.

I have 1001 supid questions

I know nothing, I have to ask all the time at my new job: What is the project number, what is the cost code? My questions are endless.

"Sorry, I have another question......"
"I already told you on Monday........"

Yeah, but I have forgotten. It is all so much. When I leave the office room, I do not know if I shall go right or left. I have a very bad orientation. And where was the post box? I do not yet know the people by name.

I struggle with the new software. At lunch time I was so desperate. But lunch relaxed me. I know that it would get difficult.

At least I know where the exit is.

I know it will get better.

30 dirty minutes of practice

Also this night I woke up several times. It's still all too exciting at work.

I practiced 30 minutes, distracted, slobby. What counts is that I was on my mat. Standing sequence were performed and a few forward bends. Of course I did a few fast poses of the closing sequence. A few seconds in padmasana and then savasana for 3 breaths or so finished my practice.

Today I have Mysore class. This will be my focus today.

Ready for the day now? Yes.

Marichyasana d

Here I fight with marichyasana d - hand can hold the other hand, but I cannot reach the wrist of one hand.

At home now I fight with self-discipline. There seems to be no way to make me move doing some chores. I still have to sign my working contract.

Perhaps I only need a cup of tea and some rest.

I should respect this, I'm not a machine.

Free style yoga

Sometimes I seem to do only things that are fun to me. I have so many things to do and I'm so lazy to attack them, i.e. to buy a present for my boyfriend's birthday, or to pay bills, or to clean the house.

In my mind is always one thing:

yoga, yoga, yoga.

Has this pose a name?

Day 2

It was a good day No 2. I was busy, but I like this. The information that I have to digest is too much. But I'm confident that I will be able to learn it and to remember all that stuff one day. The sooner the better, I do what I can.

I'm not so fresh any more like in the morning, but also today I do not feel empty. I have still energy. People at the company are highly educated, motivated. People have manners: Nobody says "you" to me without asking.

I can make lunch when I'm hungry. I go out for lunch much later than in the last company. My afternoon is much shorter. I have more power, because I can live according to my personal needs. That's good for me and this is good for the company.

I'm still enthusiastic.

A nervous yogini

That's what I am at the moment - a nervous yogini. I woke up several times at night. Before 6 a.m. I got up. My new morning routine is not yet established. I always think that I am too late already.

I was on my mat and practiced. It was a practice of 30 min. Better than nothing. I was fast, checking the time every now and then. A compromise. I have to be patient. Body was flexible, willing to do what I wanted it to do. Mind was distracted.

It's my second working day today. It is still all too exciting. Yesterday I didn't find the way out of the office. I had to ask someone. My orientation is worse than bad. The woman, that I asked smiled, it was a friendly, understanding smile. Can my breath help me to cool down? I know there is nothing to worry about.

Sun is shining, I have to go on now, breakfast, making the bed, dressing, smiling.

Portugal, Lisbon, yoga on the terrace

I finish the Portugal picture series with a view over the city. The terrace was ideal for some yoga postures.

On Sunday morning I practiced in the hotel room, but it was hard. I don't know why. But even on Sunday morning I practiced.

Now I have to sign my working contract, I have to order a book, I have to pay a bill, I want to shower. I must be fit again for tomorrow.

I want to go to bed on time today.

Portugal, Lisbon, another view

There are so many nice places to discover in Lisbon. This city is a party for the eyes.

Portugal, Lisbon, shabby, with character

Some houses are very old and not renovated for decades. Some houses downtown are so old that nobody lives in it anymore.

Portugal, Lisbon, steps, steps, steps

Everywhere are steps. Some streets are very tight. On some hills is a lively nightlife. I remember the one salsa bar on one evening - really hot.

Portugal, Lisbon

Lisbon is so beautiful. It was built on hills. Nowadays are cafes on the hills with perfect view over the city to the sea.

Enthusiastic

What a difference to the former firm. I was in a company today, that worked professionally. My coming was prepared. I got instructed. My Email address exists already. I was introduced to the colleagues.

Best thing is that they have a time system. My entrance card registers, when I go and when I come. My working hours are counted this way. I like it.

The task is challenging. Yes, it was a lot of information today. I also feel exhausted, but not empty.

I like to go to work tomorrow again.

Full of energy

I woke up at 5:45, I wrote 2 morning pages.

Yoga was great. I practiced fast, the body was incredible flexible. I loved it. I feel full of energy.

I'm so curious, if I will feel exhausted after work today. I experience a certain level of excitment now. There is no doubt about it, a new job is exciting.

The sun is shining and it promises to become a good day.

Me and marichyasana b on the picture. I know, I know, the chin is supposed to be on the floor.

F2

It was our mistake. We had booked my flight back for Monday. This would have been too late to start my new job on Monday morning.

Two very nice days in Portugal, Lisbon ended with a little bit stress. My heart rate went up, when I heard, that I couldn't get back this evening. I got nervous. I wanted to fly back.

We had to buy a business class ticket (F2). But I got a flight back to Munich. What a relief. Pampering in the business class - during a 2 hours flight I was asked about 7 times, if I wanted anything. Please, no. I wanted nothing.

Glad to be at home now.

I really had no time to worry about tomorrow, about my first day in the new company.

The trip was great, I made so many nice picture, yoga, good food, it was again a mixture of everything that is fun.

My Friday

It was my Friday, that I wanted to spend freely, without any duties or obligations. I did yoga, I read, I was downtown, I had good food there, I was shopping.

The sun was shining. I was so relaxed.

Tomorrow I will fly to Portugal, Lisbon. At 6:30 I will be already in the plane. On Sunday night I will be back. Sunday morning will be time for Yoga. My yoga mat will travel with me.

Picture is taken in my favourite cafe downtown. They sell bread and coffee.

I wanted some clothes

Real happiness means that there is no wanting anymore. To want something, someone is a thrill for the ego. That's what I read this morning.

I was in my favourite cafe downtown later. I wanted to buy some fancy clothes for the summer. After a long afternoon looking here, looking there I finally found a shop that had small sizes. Clothes make happy, too, at least for a short moment.

And now I'm looking for real happiness, without wanting anything. I really have enough now. I have probably more clothes as the summer has hot days.

Me, a spiritual seeker???

Yesterday on my shopping spree I found a very interesting book by Andrew Cohen "Embracing heaven on earth."

If I hadn't found this book, I think not really much happened yesterday. I wasted a lot of time. To use the time wisely is not easy. At least I met a friend, I had repaired my watch, I was at the doctor, but that was it.

In the evening I started reading and it was very interesting.

Ashtanga yoga says there is 99% practice and 1% theory.

A little bit theory from time to time is perhaps not that bad:

Five tenets are important for seekers (according to Cohen):
1. To want to be free, that's important. If this wish becomes the most important goal in life, life becomes simple. Every choice is made to reach this goal. (Clarity of intention)
2. Human beings (I, you, too) are fully responsible of what is in our lives. There are no excuses.
3. Face everything and avoid nothing: to recognise the entire picture and not only what the ego wants to see is the goal.
4. This tenet is about the ego. As I understood it: we all have the same feelings i.e. fear, lust (only the intensity can vary). That's why nothing is really personal. Identification is a limitation. Non-attachment, awareness are the key words here perhaps.
5. I quote from p. 41: "Indeed, when we begin the spiritual life, the most important thing to us is our personal happiness, our own personal experience of expanded state of consciousness our own Enlightenment." Page 41: ".....to live the spiritual life in earnest always means ceasing to live only for ourselves." If we start living for others all the personal suffering (body, bad memories i.e) will stop, the ego is not so important anymore. To give is important and a liberation, life can be experienced wholeheartedly.
Page 45: "Suddenly everything fits. You are exactly where you're supposed to be, being the person who you already are and always have been - that every same person who you were always trying to get away from.

It is said that Cohen is influenced my the famous Ramana Maharashi.

The weather is sunny, guess I will go out and finish reading this book.

To be free as the only thing to concentrate on pleases me.

The question: Does the asana practice support this goal to be free?
I think yes. When the body is flexible, I can move more freely. Weakness is a limitation. To be strong enhances the possibilties to act in live. So much effort for such less freedom. Perhaps I underestimate the advantages of the practice now.

Rethinking my morning routine

Good is, that I'm allowed to start working at 9 a.m. from Monday on.
Bad is, that commuting time is probably a little bit longer. This forces me to rethink my morning routine.

I considered to get up earlier, but I know that this will be difficult for 2 reasons. Firstly it is not that easy for me to get up before 6 a.m. Secondly I want to spend some time with my boy-friend, too. We want to go to the beer garden in the evening and we won't be at home before 10 p.m.. Late in bed means, that I will be almost impossible to get up very early.

My new morning routine (a plan, a compromise):
6:00 a.m.: to get up and to prepare a cup of coffee.
6:05 - 6:35: to write morning pages (2 pages instead of 3 pages) I need 15 minutes for 1 page.
6:35 - 7:40: Ashtanga Yoga and to blog (this is 55 min of practice, not much I know)
7:40 - 8:00: to shower, to have breakfast, to dress,
8:00: I have to leave my home

- I omitted checking Emails and reading blogs.
- I know that I won't have enough time for all the asanas. At least the core asanas (mari d, Kurmasana, garbha pindasana, baddha konasana) should be performed. Mysore class on Wednesday evening, Saturday morning and Sunday morning I will have time for an intensive practice.
- Perhaps I can get up earlier from time to time.
- Perhaps I will be able to leave my home 15 minutes later. I don't know for sure how much commuting time I will need.
- Perhaps I can reduce my sleeping time from 8 hours to 7 hours.

At least I have a plan now.

An intensive, concentrated practice this morning

If I wrote it was easy, it were not true. It is only sometimes easy. But somehow I managed it to stay on my mat, to concentrate on my breathe. The breathe was the focus. Ant it gets deeper and more even with the practice.

All asanas, all vinyasas between poses were performed. I knew that this was my last practice with all the time I wanted before my new job. I wanted to enjoy every moment.

To enjoy the whole thing is not an easy task. Kurmasana hurt, not a little bit, but very much. It hurts to be confronted with the limits. And the wish is there to get behind the limits. This hurts even more. I went out of this position, perhaps to early in order to make progress. I couldn't stand it or better I thought I couldn't stand it any longer.

Highlights:
I didn't fall out of pindasana
I lifted myself into dhanurasana 3 times and my arms were straight.
I stayed for 20 breathes in padmasana.
Savasana was performed as well.

I feel very good now. This practice is such a good thing for me.

I have such a good time

I think this should be said from time to time: I have such a good time. Nothing to complain, even my worries about my next job are waiting somewhere. Perhaps worries never come back? I'm relaxed, happy, optimistic, full of ideas.

This morning the doctor told me that everything was OK. I didn't expect anything else.

Then lunch with B. No time pressure. We catched up with everything what happened in our lives. B. is a very optimistic person. We laugh together. We found it funny, that 3 men thought they were the father of the child of this American fashion model (forgot the name of the woman). And then it came out that it was not the lawyer, not the noble one, but the photografer. And they all were so sure. She must have been a good organizer. Haha.
B. is my role model when it comes to the "Sie" in campanies. She says "Sie" to everybody (except one person, but this is her story). That's my goal for the next company again. No fraternization. I prefer a certain distance to my new colleagues. The "Sie" will represent respect, distance, politness, cooperation. We are character masks (Karl Marx) at jobs. We play roles. I don't want to mix up my private life with my job life. I already wrote about it.

I'm curious, what will happen next Monday.

Bookstores are never sure, when I'm downtown. Why doI always find somthing to read? Among 2 other books I bought the book "The situation is hopeless, but not serious" by Paul Watzlawick. I like the title. It's a perfect attitude.

At home my accounting awaits me. I'm ready to do something like this.

Not overstretched

This is a very good sign. I got strong adjustments yesterday, but I'm not overstretched.

I concentrated on my breath today, the breath nothing else. It helped me to experience flow. It was not easy, but I stayed on my mat and I went on and on.

I asked me what for deeper meaning these asanas have. On the one hand the practice builds strength and flexibility. Self-discipline is exercised. What else? Every asana offers a possibility to approach challenges the best possible way.

I feel good. The body needs to be used, to be stretched.

I did it 3 times

This was a leap ahead today. I went up and down into dhanurasana 3 times - with help of B. of course. But usually I was too afraid of doing it more often than once. It was a good feeling to do it so often.

Oh, I was at the Wednesday Mysore class this evening: We were 5 people (1 man, 4 woman). This class gives me always inspirations for the next week: I experienced again, how important the breath is. With the change of breathing, from inhaling to exhaling, the movement starts. To match the breath with the movement is difficult, but a goal, that helps to flow through the practice.

And kurmasana was better, too. Every time I get a little bit deeper into this asana. It happens that I can find my fingers on my own. They do not bind, but touch.

To build inner strength is another goal. I did every vinyasa.
How I enjoyed it to bring my body into these crazy postures.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I started updating my accounting

I'm glad that I started updating my accounting. It's not all done, but this was predictable. In the last 6 months I was almost paralyzed after work. I felt so exhausted that I was only able to sit and to blog. On my desk grew piles of papers. I attacked at least some of these piles. Tomorrow I have to go on. I need perhaps 2 more days to update everything.

I'm so curious if my next job will exhaust me like my last one. I cannot believe it.

Plan for tomorrow:
- Appointment with a doctor (yearly check-up) - afterwards lunch with B.
- to go on with accounting
- to clean at least the bathroom

Enough, enough. I know me - the more I want to do the less I do.

I have the choice

I can be disciplined now and do all the chores and activities that are all on my desk (like updating my accounting). Or I can be lazy, I can walk around in the sun, I can go shopping, but then I will start my new job overwhelmed, because I will have the feeling that I do not accomplish anything.

Let me make a plan (self-talk) (I like plans):

1. Today I want to update my accounting: I haven't done anything for 6 months.
2. To clean the bathroom would be good, too.

Enough, I start, the plan seems to be doable. The start is the most difficult part of everything.

Yoga at home again

It was much better than in Italy, that's for sure. I didn't omit a single asana. That was great. Yesterday I thought that yoga disciplines the body and the mind. This made me doing the whole thing today.

I think I can be satisfied with my practice today. Nevertheless the thought came up that I do not make any progress. Perhaps I should hold the asanas longer, to go deeper into the asanas. As soon as it starts being uncomfortable I go on. To search consciously the limits could be a help.

Besides these thoughts of how I can improve my practice there was room enough for joy. I liked it that I could be on my mat today without time limit. And I will have 3 more days without time limits.

This evening I have Mysore class. What else do I want?

5 days are enough

5 days around the lake of Garda were enough. We are at home again. It's nice here, too. I will be very busy in the next 3 days. I have to prepare everything for my new job. I must update my accounting and so on.

Next weekend we will fly to Lisboa, Portugal.

In the mountains

In the meantime we know some very nice places around the lake. I did nothing else but looking around, enjoying the sun, having nice food and red wine.

In the mountains

Some hotels are very high in the mountains. The view is probably nice as well.

The villages

It's all about tourism round the lake. In every yard are cafes, restaurants, bars.

The houses

The old houses are all renovated. Some houses are in the mountain reachable only on narrow roads.

Easter

We found a nice place in the mountain with view to the sea for our Easter dinner. We ate, we sat in the sun, we read, we slept, we did nothing. That was it.

My yoga practice

I had not one good practice. I was stiff, it hurt, body was totally inflexible. I suffered. I thought this cannot be true. I suspected the usual criminals: red wine and deserts. But we had never too much, it was all reasonable what we ate and drank.

Finally I gave up and on our last day I didn't practice anymore.

The hotel

Will there be enough room for my yoga practice?

Will there be enough room for my yoga practice?

This was my most important question when I walked down the aisles to our hotel room. E. opened the door. I stood behind him. What a relief, there was enough room and a wonderful view (picture). To lie in bed and to see the mountains and a sea is wonderful.

No traffic jam

We were lucky. We had no traffic jam. We made it to the lake in a decent time. The weather promised to get sunny.

Behind the Alps

Behind the Alps is Italy. It's a 4 1/2 hour drive from Munich. During Easter 98 per cent of the tourists at the Garda Lake are Germans.

A party for two

I got the job. I saw it in their faces that they wanted me, when I left them. Earlier as I want the corporate world has me again. In the middle of April I have to start working again.

But tomorrow I'm on my way to Italy. Till then.

PS.: The party was with E. in our favourite Greece restaurant.

It was predictable

It was too good yesterday in the evening - the practice at B.'s home. Today in the morning downward facing dog seemed to be the favourite pose. The body cried for a slobby practice. And it got it. I worked on second series. In the middle of my practice E. came home. He had to help me to go down in Kapo. This pose makes me crazy - I'm an eternity away from this pose. This is my next challenge. I mean not the pose, but to be patient and not to give up. Not to give up on Kapo and not to give up on my wishes how I want to work.

Yesterday, when I payed for my internet session the owner asked me: "Does your boyfriend live with you?" I had told him in the afternoon that I would have probably a virus and my boyfriend advised me to go to an internet cafe till he had checked everything. Yes, I talk too much. For me it is not possible just to say hallo, I tell everybody about my life, if they are interested or not.
When E. called me at night I told him about the question of the internet owner.
E.: Tell him, that I live with you and that I'm very tall and malicious."
We laughed so much about this.
Now I'm in another internet cafe downtown.

How I love it to be able to do what I want. I got up at six and I have the entire day before me. So happy.

3 yoginis and our teacher

Mysore class: we were only three yoginis. We all had enough space and the advantage of the energy of a group. My body shows less and less resistance. I had a great practice.

B. helped me to get very deeply into supta kurmasana.
B. helped me to get up from dhanurasana and I got down again. I did it once, but the feeling how it could be, was experienced. I have no clue how I can do it alone. I just don't know how to go on, when I'm in the pose.I don't know how to get the body up. I have to be patient.

Savasana was wonderful, too.

Now I'm again in an internet cafe. A business magazine found out that Munich is the most expensive city in Germany, but the internet cafes are really cheap. Here I pay 0,90 Euro for 1 hour (that's less than a USDollar). But the keyboard is dirty.

Tomorrow E. has to remove the virus from the PC in case I have one. I feel isolated without my internet connection at home.

The interview

In the last 2 hours before the interview hectic starts. I walk around like a tiger in a cage. I check everything the 4th time and more often. Is the lipstick OK? Do I have a pen, the address, what underground station is it? It's endless.

But I made it to the company, well dressed, well prepared.
The first question: What do you know about our company. Of course I had checked their website. My summary of their activities was so good, that they couldn't add much more.

I like interviews. I like to talk about myself, what I know, what I have done, how experienced I am. I can talk about myself for hours. (Why do I blog???????)

When it came to the salary I said what I wanted. When I do not feel resistance I know that I could get more. They asked me if I had something as an addition to my salary in my last job (Damned I could get more, if I only had asked for it). They thought perhaps of a company car or christmas money. I said: oh yes, I had always coffee and water additional to the salary. The 2 men found it funny and me, too.

I will get the OK or the No at the end of next week.

Tired now. An interview lasts about 1 hour, but afterwards I'm often tired. I'm always rather concentrated.

This evening I will have Mysore class. Wonderful. I was busy the entire day, I did a lot of chores and the preparation of the interview, the interview and now I've probably a virus on my PC. I'm at an internet cafe at the moment. Activities won't end today. But I feel rather well.

It was like a dream

I got up at 6 a.m. and at 7 a.m. I was on my mat. Boyfriend was still in bed, that's why I didn't switch on the CD by Sharath. He needs his sleep. I practiced, it was absolute silent. No breaks were needed, and I was not distracted. I practiced on my mat and I wanted to stay there. Concentration was rather strong.

Of course the single asanas were not perfect, but what and who is perfect. Today I saw an improvement: When I rolled in garbha pindasana I could hold my hand rather close to the face (front). When I did kukutasana the arms were still rather far through the legs.

I fell out of pindasana as every morning. I don't like this at all.

I loved the focus, the concentration that I could hold today. I didn't need music. It was great today.

At 2 p.m I will have the interview. I wanted to have this appointment in the afternoon. Yoga first. Yes, I want the job, I need the money and the company sounds interesting. Later today I will know more.

Boyfriend seems to come to change only his clothes. This evening he will be again in Nürnberg. In the evening he will play soccer. I'm happy that he does it, he must move his body as well. I'm looking forward to our trip to Italy. Then we will have time again, time to eat together, time to sit in nice places reading books. Often it is enough just to be, to have the other one around.

On daily routines

A lady brushed her hair once a year and it was such a trouble to her that she couldn't understand how anyone could stand to do it every day! :)

To laugh is allowed

Or how I want to make money:

I want to make money while I'm in bed, sleeping, reading a book on spiritual growth or.........
I want to do something that has the potential to be doubled.

This is all not the case with accounting. I get payed by hours and my daily hours are limited (9 to 10 hours). I have not enough time all the time. I can get payed better or not so good, but it is all limited.

That's why I want to get a dealer: I can sell 1 jewellery in an hour but also 2 or 4 or 8 and so on. When I have an online shop, which I have, I can sleep and someone can buy my goods. Let's face it - goods were the success formula of capitalism.

To write books and sell them have the same potential. A book is intellectual property. I can sell a book while sleeping and I can double my sales. That's good, too. During my Easter trip to Italy I want to write my book (I have a very good idea - I have always ideas).

Shares have the same potential. They can double, while I'm asleep. Unfortunately I already experienced the opposite. But the potential is there...............

I won't give up on the idea to double my invested money, to double it, to double it again......
till at the end I can do yoga as much as I want. Hahaha.

Buuuuuhhh a second time today

It might happen that I have rather fast another 40 hours job. I was in a shop, looking for some nice spring clothes when my mobile phone wrang. I got a job offer already. I went home, I updated my CV and now I have to wait.

I have to write about my dreams and how I'd like to work rather fast - before the corporate world buys me again. I will work for companies as an employee due to money reasons. I fear to be without an income. My wishes go more in the direction to work independently. I shall see. My life remains exciting.

Buuuuhh

I did it - second series till pincha mayurasana. I should be happy, because I didn't give up. I went on and on even though it was not easy today. Why? This stands in the stars.

At first I practiced with Sharath till virabadrasana 2. Then I practiced on my own. I experienced flow, but I moved slowly and the body was somehow heavy, even though I lost weight.

My focus is now more on the concentration and not on the performance of the asanas. I don't want to get distracted. Concentration was there. I was on my mat. I didn't take breaks, I didn't walk around in my rooms. Perhaps this was not such a bad practice even though the body was somehow stiff.

Every day has a surprise.

My first day in freedom is over

I was productive, even though not only for me. I had to copy documents for E. and then I had to take them to the tax office. His pair of trousers needed a repair, so I took them to a dressmaker. This takes all time.

I wrote an Email to the woman from the recruiting firm to update her what had happened, I called an auditor (recommendation from my colleague). Tomorrow I have to update my CV. The woman from the recruiting firm wanted my CV and the auditor, too. I made appointments with doctors (preventive medical checkup). This has to be done from time to time, too.

I picked up my law books from the company and I had a nice chat with my former colleagues. Then it was already afternoon.

It's also a danger to plan too much. This can have the effect that I accomplish nothing at all.

In the evening I wanted to practice again, but I felt too weak for another practice. I will write my to do list now and then I will go to bed.

I give me three days for everything that I haven't done during the last six months (cleaning house, updating accounting, preparing tax declaration, updating my online shops).

On Friday I will drive to Italy with my boyfriend. Behind the Alps is a picturesque lake, Lago di Gardo. ther we will spend some days. So nice.

There is a key to every safe

I bought a tea with the name: Breathe deep tea.

Not even knowing what spices or herbs the tea was made of, it was in my cart.

This tea marketing firm had found the key to my safe (purse). No further comment is necessary.

Checklist for a good day

A good day starts the evening before:

- I like it to have a clean kitchen in the morning. It's my symbol for everything starts again from the beginning. Nothing is lost. So I have to clean the kitchen in the evening.
- For me it is helpful to write a to do list in the evening, so that my unconscious can already work on it. To highlight the 3 most important activities is helpful. A too long to do list is only a burden.
- to go to bed at a decent hour is essential - I need 7 to 8 hours of sleep
- the evening shower - oh how nice.

In the morning:

- to get up as planned
- to write my 3 morning pages
- to practice Ashtanga (and blog about it)
- to have a healthy breakfast

During the day:

- to eat health food (in my case it is vegan food), to drink water, to make breaks ensure a good day
- to contact at least 1 friend every day
- to read uplifting books for let's say half an hour.
- to write and rewrite the goals or to visualize about it (in order not to forget them).

Enough, enough.

Now I will take a break, I will have a tea and then .........................oh, I'm so busy. But this needs another post entry.

Excellent

I set the alarm clock at 6 a.m., but I got up at 7 a.m.

First I read the blogs at Ashtangi.net.. When I dream already, the American world is awake and active. Strong feelings were expressed, blogs removed, others went voluntarily at Asthangi.net. I can feel the energy spent. My suggestion: let's take this energy and practice.

Finally I was on my mat. I switched on the CD by Sharath. I omitted the vinyasas between sides. But I did everything else. It was such an intensive practice. I was so concentrated.I liked my breath in padmasana at the end. I had all the time that I needed. What a luxury.

The sun is shining. I have a huge to do list. I'm ready for the day, very happy and optimistic.

Salamba sarvangasana

Before his trip to Moscow, my darling had to take a picture.

At first I wanted to write, that salamba sarvangasana is not that difficult. But then I saw that the position of my head is not correct. I'm too much on my front.

This pose needs improvement, too.

Indian restaurant this night

As an unemployed person, I have a rather good life. A friend of E. came to see us and we were out. The Greek restaurant was overcrowded, so we went to an Indian restaurant.

I/we had a nice evening. E. was on my right side, his friend on my left side, good food and drinks in front of me, attentive waiters, what else do I want. I like to be with people. I like to talk, I like gossip, I like to exchange ideas.

No yoga today. But this evening I talked about yoga. To talk about yoga is wonderful, too.

Tomorrow I will drive E. to the airport. He has or wants to fly to Russia, Moscow.