Thursday, January 04, 2007

Not my morning

I slept well. This is the good news. After 2 nights of almost no sleep I was so glad that I slept deeply this night. I woke up at 5:30. somehow relaxed.

When I got up I didn't know what to do at first. I must have been so much on autopilot with my last routine, that it is an intellectual effort to switch to a new routine.

I wrote my morning pages and I had my first cup of coffee. Then I sat on my sofa with bad mood, almost impossible to move. I sat there cross-legged and there I wanted to stay doing nothing at all. Finally I rolled out my mat. I prepared another cup of coffee. Uttanasana was possible. I hang forward I don't know how long. Baddha konasana was possible. Then I tried a surya namaskara A. It was horrible. I preferred to do another uttanasana. Then I sat on my mat and drank the rest of the black coffee. That was my practice today - 10 minutes perhaps.

I'm fed up with feelings in general, too, might they be good or bad. They just take too much energy.

I had a cold shower. I feel refreshed now. The cold water made me shiver and brought me brutally in the here and now. I want to do nothing today. To think of 2 long working days till the weekend makes me crazy. Am I really so weak? It is dark when I get up, it is cold in my rooms when I get up. When I sat on my mat I could feel how cold it was. How to survive this day? I don't know, probably one breath after the other. My energy level is so low today that everything seems to be a huge effort and almost impossible. Every movement is a task - a challenge. Wishes to stay in bed come up, but I know I have to go to work. How can a person be so depressed without any reason that early in the morning? I don't know.

7 comments:

C.K. said...

Ursula,
I am always more depressed and emotional when I am not sleeping properly. Even though last night was good, the previous two nights have probably caught up with you. Also the dark and cold make it worse. When you are well-rested you will feel better I think.

CK

David said...

You don't have to understand your feelings. Listen and be patient, be willing to be with the bad mood, depression, whatever, it will pass. The more aversion you have, the more you push it away, the more it will stay.

At least this has been my experience.

As my Buddhist teacher says: Impermanence is the great leveler.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ursula - this is my first time commenting, I found your blog a couple of months ago while doing an Ashtanga related search. I like it for a few reasons, I love Munich, (my family was from Germany, moved to the states a couple of years before I was born, I have relatives in the area around Heidelburg) love yoga, ashtanga (although my practice is not the most consistent), I'm in my mid-40s (actually I turn 46 tomorrow) and I'm an accountant. So I feel a few commonalities. I live in San Diego, CA now. Also, I love travel, love your pictures.

What compells me to comment now, though, is a tragedy that happened here last week, and something you wrote in your blog back in August about something Danny Paradise said, about people who do yoga for a long time "transforming" fast. My yoga teacher, owner of the studio I've been going to, was killed in a freak traffic accident. There's an article about it here: http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20070101/news_1m1sean.html . Hopefully the link will work. I'm actually in the 3rd picture, at the left edge. This has been heartbreaking for many people. A great loss. I just wanted to share, since you made that comment re. what Danny said.

Edith

Zazazu said...

I struggle with my feelings too, Ursula, both on and off the mat. It is a hard thing to come to terms with, why I feel so unmotivated and depressed sometimes. Good luck to you on your journey. You write beautifully.

Ursula said...

Thank you for the uplifting comments.It helped me to feel better and better during the day.

So nice impulses.

I feel good now, as if it was always like this. Next breath.

Ursula said...

Hi Edith,

Are you the woman with the dog? It is a wonderful picture, very dynamic. I like it.

By the way San Diego is my favourite city in the US. How I like to sit at the bar close to the swimming pool in Del Coronado, drinking a glass of Chardonnay. I must become a travel writer.

Anonymous said...

Ursula - it looks like the second half of that link got cut off, but if you append this: 20070101/news_1m1sean.html , to the section above (the 20070101 only shows once, however), it should get you to the right page. There's also a video clip of a story that was on the local news about it here: http://www.kusi.com/home/5048156.html . Tim Miller, who was Sean's teacher, can be seen toward the end of the story, he was at the memorial. That's another reason to like San Diego, as Tim's a great, well known teacher, up in Encinitas, a bit north of San Diego.

Yes, to be a travel writer would be a dream job indeed!

Edith